by Angela Hart
When I described what had happened he sat up and put the light on, which was very unusual for my husband. Normally Jonathan soothes away my fears, encourages me to get some sleep and tells me everything will look better in the morning.
‘This is a nightmare,’ he said. ‘Do you think she still has the lighter in her room?’
‘No, I don’t. I believe she threw it out of the window. Besides, I’m not worried about her starting a fire or trying to burn something. I think she smoked that cigarette as an act of defiance, to wind me up.’
‘Yes, that fits. That definitely fits.’
I reminded Jonathan that Danielle was not a fire-starter, as I could tell this was playing on his mind again.
‘I know. I’m just not at ease though.’
‘Me neither, but I guess if we let her see that, she’s won. She wants to get our backs up – and mine especially. We should try to get some sleep.’
‘Yes, we should. I’m shattered, to tell the truth.’
‘Me too.’
‘Let’s hope she’ll be in a better mood when she sees Iris and Kenneth tomorrow.’
‘She’ll probably be sweetness and light, just like she is with Mum!’
As I spoke I heard a noise outside our bedroom door. I whispered to Jonathan and got out of bed as quietly as I could, creeping across the carpet and slowly opening the door. As I suspected, Danielle was standing there, right outside our bedroom door.
‘Danielle! What are you doing? I thought you were in bed.’
‘I lost an earring,’ she said. ‘I thought it might be on the carpet here.’
She’d jumped back when I opened the door. It seemed obvious she’d been trying to listen in on our conversation.
‘We’ll look in the morning. Which one is it?’
‘The triangle one.’
‘You’re wearing your triangle earrings, Danielle. Both of them.’
‘Oops. Sor-ree. I’ll go to bed now. Don’t worry; I shan’t be winding you up any more tonight, especially you, Angela. I don’t want to get your back up!’
Jonathan and I didn’t sleep until the house had been in absolute silence for quite some time.
18
‘I AM LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO STAB YOU WITH!’
Jonathan was up at the crack of dawn, and he found Danielle’s cigarette lighter lying in the middle of the back lawn.
‘Thank God for that,’ he said. ‘And thank God she has a busy day ahead.’ As well as visiting Iris and Kenneth, Danielle was going out with Deirdre in the afternoon.
‘I’ll ring Nelson when she’s out, fill him in. I think I’ll call Iris too, just to give her the heads-up.’
‘Good idea.’
Danielle appeared at the kitchen door.
‘Good morning!’ she said sunnily. ‘I’ve got wet sheets, shall I put them straight in the washing machine?’
‘Yes please. I’ll get the washing done while you are out at Granny and Pop’s. Have you remembered you are going to see them this morning?’
‘Yes. Thank you for letting me go. Sorry about last night. I don’t know why I did all that.’
I looked at Jonathan and gave him the nod. We’d talked about how to handle this, and we’d decided to try to encourage more good behaviour and reduce the drama in the house by making a deal with Danielle.
‘I’ve been talking to Angela,’ Jonathan said. ‘And we think you need a very good incentive, to help you improve your behaviour. None of us want a repeat of what happened last night. It was such a shame things went wrong the way they did after you’d had such a pleasant time with Thelma.’
‘I know, but I can’t help it, that’s the thing. I don’t want to be bad!’
This was something Jonathan and I had discussed. Was it actually worth dangling a carrot in front of Danielle to try to encourage good behaviour, if she truly could not control herself? We came to the conclusion it was worth it, because where else could we go? Punishing her was out of the question. We didn’t even use the word punishment, as I’ve said before. Putting consequences in place didn’t seem to make much of a difference either, as she reverted to bad behaviour regardless.
‘You’re not bad,’ I said, ‘but sometimes your behaviour is. Jonathan and I have decided we’ll take you on a day trip to London, provided you can do three things.’
‘London? What for? I’ve never been to London.’
‘We thought it would be nice to visit the Crown Jewels, as a reward for good behaviour.’
‘OK,’ she said suspiciously. ‘What do I have to do? Is it hard?’
It was Jonathan’s turn to talk. We’d decided that if he lay down the rules of the challenge, Danielle might respond more positively than if this came from me. ‘It’s not very hard, not for a smart girl like you,’ he said. ‘What we want is for you to be polite, helpful, and to stop and think before you act.’
‘That’s easy!’
‘It should be, because we know you can do it. We’ve seen you be polite and helpful, and we know you can behave well. You do it with Thelma all the time. We’re very proud of you when you behave so beautifully with Thelma. What we want is for you to be like that with us. We want you to stop yourself if an idea comes into your head that might not be a good one.’
‘But it’s not always my fault . . . I can’t help it.’
‘I think you can do better if you really try. That’s true of all of us. So, next time you think you might make a mess or maybe smoke in the house or say something rude, we want you to stop yourself and think about the consequences. We want you to think about how you will feel after you have misbehaved, how Angela and I will feel and what will happen next – or should I say, what will not happen. You won’t be able to go on the day trip to London if you haven’t been behaving well enough, so you need to show us what you can do.’
Danielle thought for a moment and smiled.
‘It’s a deal,’ she said. ‘Let’s shake on it!’
She shook Jonathan’s hand first, then mine. She ate her breakfast without incident and got ready on time, with not a single problem.
‘So far so good,’ I said to Jonathan.
‘Don’t get too carried away,’ he joked. ‘We’re less than an hour in!’
I gave Iris a potted summary of recent events over the phone, while Jonathan drove Danielle to their bungalow.
‘I don’t know what it is with bathrooms,’ Iris lamented. ‘Soaking the floor, as well as anything left lying around the bathroom, was one of her habits when she was with us. I had to get rid of the cloth bathmats in the end and get a wooden one as I was forever trying to dry them out. As for the smoking business, Kenneth has a theory about that. Did you know she was bullied at the children’s home?’
‘Yes, we did.’
‘Well, that was when she started to smoke, when she was ten. Kenneth reckons it was her way of trying to be more of an equal to the older kids, to try to stop them bullying her.’
Iris also went on to explain that the other kids at the home continually complained that Danielle was being better treated than they were. It seemed that Danielle was so unpopular with the other kids that the staff would take her out on trips to the cinema or ice skating or bowling, just to give everyone else a peaceful day. The other kids felt Danielle was getting rewarded for her bad behaviour, which seemed perfectly understandable. They said she was ‘pampered’ and called her a ‘big baby’.
‘It sounds like a feasible theory, about why she started smoking,’ I replied. ‘And maybe now it still fits. Maybe she’s smoking when she wants to appear grown up or to be in control? It’s a way of asserting herself perhaps, and making a point that she’s not a small child any more?’ As I said that I thought to myself, No wonder she can’t wait to leave her childhood behind and be a grown-up, but I didn’t say it out loud.
‘That holds water,’ Iris said. ‘She’s certainly a tough nut to crack though, isn’t she, Angela?’
I could picture Iris giving a kind and understanding smile as she said this, an
d it made me smile too. Iris had a way of lightening the tone of the conversation even when the subject matter was incredibly heavy.
‘She is indeed. I hope she’s good for you today, Iris, and thanks for having her.’
‘No problem. Any time. Now you look after yourself, and remember this; it’s a quote someone printed out for me years ago, when Kenneth and I first started fostering.’
I listened as Iris read the quote, which she explained she still had pinned on her kitchen notice board. ‘Will it be easy? Nope. Worth it? Absolutely.’
I relayed this to Jonathan when he returned. ‘How true,’ he commented.
‘Well, I hope so,’ I said.
‘Have confidence, Angela. It will be worth it, in the end.’
Jonathan picked Danielle up after lunch, so she’d be home in time to be collected by Deirdre, who was taking her out that afternoon. Iris and Kenneth said she’d been a pleasure to have. They’d done some baking and looked at old photographs from when Danielle lived with them, and she was in a really good mood when Jonathan collected her.
In the car on the way home Danielle asked Jonathan if we could be her ‘forever family’ now.
‘We’d love you to stay for longer, but I can’t say for definite what is going to happen. Social Services are still trying to get you into a school, and as you know there aren’t many places available. Even though there is nothing right now, it could change and it could be that they find you a school you’d have to live closer too.’
‘Do you think that will happen? It’s not looking likely after all this time, is it? Is that what you want?’
‘I want what’s best for you, Danielle. We’ll all have to talk about that if and when a place comes up. All we know for sure is that for the next few months you’re staying with us.’
‘Is that definite?’
‘It’s what we all agreed after the last big placement meeting, isn’t it?’
‘Yes, but what if I can’t behave?’
‘What if you can behave? I know you can. You’ve just behaved really well with Iris and Kenneth.’
‘Yes, but they’re old and I wouldn’t want to upset them.’
‘But surely you wouldn’t want to upset anyone? Why would you want to upset anyone?’
‘Yes, but . . . Forget it. You’re just like Angela. You don’t get it. It’s not me. It’s not my choice. You’d never understand even if you lived to be a hundred years old!’
‘I’d like to understand.’
‘Well, so would I, thank you very much! Now how long have I got to get ready before Deirdre arrives? I don’t even want to go out with her today. It’s all rush, rush, rush and nag, nag, nag. Put your foot down, will you, Jonathan? I’d at least like five minutes to myself at some point today, if that’s not too much to ask!’
Jonathan put a Take That CD on in the car and stopped talking. He knew when to call it quits, and thankfully Danielle spent the rest of the short journey back to our house gazing out of the window.
I was in the shop when they got back and Danielle popped in to see me. I was preparing a bouquet and Danielle watched as I curled the pink ribbon into ringlets after tying it around the flowers.
‘You’re so good at that, can you train me how to do it?’
‘Yes, when we’ve got more time. I’d love to show you.’
I’d tried to encourage Danielle to help a little around the shop, as I normally do with all the teenagers who stay with us. If they’re willing and interested we sometimes give them a bit of holiday or weekend work, to help teach them how to deal with the public and to give them the chance of earning some extra cash. Danielle had point-blank refused to have anything to do with the shop until now, and in fact she’d accused me of trying to exploit her when I suggested she could help out.
I was very pleased she’d changed her attitude, and I told her I’d make sure I fixed up a bit of ‘training’ as soon as possible.
‘Cool, thanks, Angela. Maybe I’ll be a florist when I grow up.’
‘If you’d like to learn, I’ll teach you how to do a few more things, other than just tying bouquets,’ I said. ‘Would you like that?’
‘Yes. Maybe I could stay here forever, and take over the shop when you and Jonathan are too old to run it yourselves. What do you say?’
I smiled at her cheekiness; it was lovely to be around her when she was in this kind of playful mood.
A customer came in the door.
‘Right, Danielle, you had better get ready for your outing with Deirdre. Excuse me while I serve this customer. Hope you have a good time.’
‘Thanks,’ she said, suddenly giving me one of her strange smiles.
The customer asked me about a display in the front window, and I left the counter to go and serve her. Danielle loitered for a moment before saying goodbye.
‘Look forward to seeing you later, Angela. Have a good afternoon!’
I heard the back door of the shop clatter shut as Danielle made her way through to the house. Was she up to something or was I just being paranoid? You’re being paranoid, Angela. She’s in a lovely mood. Enjoy it while it lasts!
When Deirdre collected Danielle she called in to the shop to tell me they were going to play badminton at the local sports centre and maybe have a walk around the lake in the park, if the weather stayed fine.
‘Sounds good,’ I said. ‘I’m not a hundred per cent sure what mood she’s in. I hope it goes well.’
‘I’m sure it will,’ Deirdre said, adding with a conspiratorial but kindly smile, ‘Do we ever know what mood she’s in? See you later, Angela!’
Hatty also called in to the shop an hour or so afterwards as she was passing and popped in on the off-chance we could have a catch-up. I hadn’t seen her for a few weeks so there was quite a lot to tell her.
‘Shall I come with you on the trip to London, if you make it?’ she offered, after hearing all about our latest ups and downs.
‘I think that’s a terrific idea,’ I said. ‘Danielle would love it. It will add to the incentive if I tell her you’d like to come, I’m sure. And it will hopefully help her stay on good behaviour, once we’re there.’
‘Great. Keep me posted. I’m looking forward to it already. Please tell her that, won’t you?’
‘Yes. I’m sure Jonathan and I will enjoy it more too, with you there. It will be great to have you with us. I sometimes think Danielle needs more than two carers!’
Hatty nodded. ‘There’s a lot of truth in that,’ she said.
I was feeling positive after seeing Hatty, but then Jonathan came into the shop shortly after Danielle had returned with Deirdre, and in an instant everything suddenly changed.
‘Whatever’s the matter?’
‘It’s Danielle. She’s in a terrible state. She’s stormed upstairs and I’m afraid she’s gearing up for another blow-up.’
‘What’s happened? Did she say anything?’
‘She shouted and swore and complained as she came in the house, but she isn’t making much sense. She looks like a mad woman. Her eyes are scary, and if looks could kill . . .’
‘Oh my goodness. Is Deirdre still here?’
‘Yes, she’s in the kitchen. She said she’ll stay a while. She can’t understand what’s gone wrong. They had a good game of badminton and went to the park and the lake afterwards, and the cafe for a drink and a snack, but apparently Danielle’s mood switched in the car on the way home, completely out of the blue.’
‘What on earth could have brought this on?’
‘Who knows? It’s awful, Angela. Danielle is absolutely blazing with anger. She threw her badminton kit all over the hallway before she stormed upstairs. I could see she’d wet herself too, and she shouted down the stairs that she wants to die.’
‘Oh God. Will you take over here and I’ll go and talk to Deirdre?’
‘No, you stay here. I’d like to deal with this, at least for now. I’ve put the kettle on and Deirdre’s in the kitchen. I’ll get back to her, if you’r
e OK to shut up on your own?’
‘Yes,’ I said, glancing at the clock. Fortunately it was early closing day and I told Jonathan I’d shut the shop up as quickly as possible and join him and Deirdre in the kitchen.
My heart was pounding as I hauled in the displays from outside, pulled down the shutters and cashed up the till at break-neck speed. I darted through to the house, wondering what I’d find. To my surprise the place was in total silence, and Jonathan was sitting at the bottom of the stairs.
‘I’ve been up to Danielle’s room and she’s told me to go away and she never wants to see me again. I’m sitting here listening, in case I’m needed. Deirdre is up there now.’
‘Was Danielle OK with her?’
‘Yes. She seemed much more receptive to Deirdre than to me.’
‘Right. Do you think we should both go up together, see if Deirdre is OK?’
‘Yes, let’s do that.’
Jonathan and I went upstairs and tapped on Danielle’s door.
‘Fuck off, both of you,’ she said. ‘I don’t need you two here.’
Deirdre called for us to come in. Jonathan opened the door and as he did so Danielle immediately jumped up, grabbed a tube of cream from her dressing table and squirted it in her mouth. Jonathan made a grab for the tube and managed to take it off her, but not before Danielle had managed to swallow some of its contents. It was a tube of antiseptic cream and a brand I didn’t recognise and had never bought. Where had she got that?
‘Urgh! Urgh!’ Danielle was gagging in an exaggerated way, and she dropped to her knees as she retched. Nothing came up and she sat frozen-faced, staring at the wall and with white cream smeared around her mouth. She wouldn’t let Deirdre, Jonathan or me near her and told us all to stay away from her.
‘I’m calling the emergency doctor,’ Jonathan said. ‘I’ll be as quick as I can.’
While Jonathan went to make the call, Deirdre and I both sat silently on the edge of Danielle’s bed, keeping a close eye on her. The two of us watched as she slowly rose to her feet. She looked unsteady and her eyes were glazed.
‘Danielle, have you taken anything else?’ Deirdre asked gently.
She didn’t reply but instead began to walk erratically around her room, opening and closing drawers and cupboards, as I’d seen her do in the kitchen on several occasions. The difference this time was that Danielle looked so wound up she seemed quite deranged; this was not the childish Danielle in action, this was the aggressive, foul-tempered and extremely unpredictable Danielle at work.
