by Harper Bliss
“You must understand, this is a small town in Texas. Maybe people are used to this amount of talent in Chicago, but in Nelson, this is a treat.”
Enough now, I want to say. I know I’m pretty good at drawing but the logos I sketched for The Ledger—one inspired by the robins I keep seeing here, one a more sophisticated variation on the current simple, round logo, and the last an outlined sketch of the town hall and its neighboring buildings—are not worthy of that much praise. I shuffle uncomfortably in my seat.
“Too much?” Tess draws her lips into a thin line.
I nod and sip from my tea, which has gone tepid.
“Sorry… but you’re hired!” Tess holds out her hand. “That is if you’re willing to work with me and for the proposed fee.”
I stare at her hand for a mute instant, then shake it. “Deal.”
“Awesome.” Tess’s fingers linger on mine and I start pulling my hand away. Her glance skitters away from me and she looks at my sketches again. “Can I hold on to these for a few days? I’d like to show them to a few people before I make my decision.”
“Of course.” Glad that the awkward moment has passed, I exhale deeply. I could do with some meditating right about now.
“I’m going to draw up a standard contract for the work. Do you have a business card? I’m going to need your full name or the name of your company.”
My full name. A surge of panic washes through me. After Tracy died, I quickly changed my last name back from Hunt to Baker—vowing that I would never again take someone else’s last name. “There’s a business card in the folder behind the drawings. It should have all the information you need.”
Tess is the first person I’ve given my card to since the accident.
Six
Tess
I’ve practiced enormous amounts of patience. I’ve tried not to overwhelm Laura with too many emails. The only email I’ve sent her the past few days is one with the contract, though I did consider it a huge missed opportunity not to go over to her house and have her sign it in person. But I’ve listened to Megan’s advice and I’ve taken it down a gear.
“You have time,” Megan said. “She’s not going anywhere.”
Laura sent the signed contract back and we’re now officially in business. As happy as that makes me, it’s hardly enough. On the business card she gave me with the sketches, there’s also a phone number. I’ve only looked at it and considered what I’m about to do a thousand times. My patience has run out. I’m calling her.
“Hello?” Laura’s voice is hesitant, almost reluctant.
“Hi, Laura. It’s Tess.”
“Hi.” Laura’s tone is clipped. Perhaps she’s one of those people who don’t like talking over the phone—like my dad who, for some reason, never got the hang of telephone etiquette and always hangs up before I can even say goodbye.
I should have prepared this call better. The reason for my impromptu call to Laura is blinking in big red letters in my mind, but I need to ease into it. “I hope you don’t mind me calling out of the blue like this. I was just wondering how things are going.”
“Er, with the design, you mean?” She sounds confused now. “We haven’t actually discussed that yet and I’m waiting to hear back from you on a final decision about the logo.”
“No, no. Gosh, no. It’s Sunday, Laura. I would never bother you about those things on a Sunday. I was wondering how you are doing.”
“Me? Why?” Laura’s phone manners are beginning to resemble my dad’s more and more.
“Just out of friendly curiosity.” The small of my back breaks out into a sweat.
“Just trying to make sense of Aunt Milly’s overgrown garden. I don’t exactly have a green thumb, what with being a city girl, but it’s a challenge I like to take on.”
“You’re in luck then,” I nearly shout. “I was born and raised on a ranch and I know a thing or two about plants. Need some help?”
“No, that’s all right. I enjoy figuring things out myself.”
It feels like someone just stomped on my foot very hard. “The offer stands for as long as you like,” I’m quick to say.
“Was there anything else?” Laura sounds very keen to get back to pulling weeds.
“No, er, I mean yes. I was wondering if you’d like to go out some time. Grab a drink. Have a meal. You know, a bit like a date?” There. I said the D word.
Silence on the other end of the line.
“Look, Tess.”
Now it’s starting to feel more like a punch to the gut.
“I’m sorry,” Laura continues. “You’re a great person and I enjoy working with you, but I’m not looking to date.”
“That’s fine.” The bitter sting of rejection leaves a foul taste in my mouth. “Friends?” I ask with a small voice.
“Yes, yes. Of course.”
“I’ll be in touch soon about the, er, things.” I’m starting to stammer so I’d better hang up. “Bye.”
I throw my phone onto my bed and stare at it for a long minute, as though the device is to blame for Laura’s response.
There’s only one remedy for that feeling of complete inadequacy running through me right now. I grab my phone from the pillow and call my sister.
* * *
“She said no,” I explain to Megan. We’re at Sam’s Bar and we’ve both ordered margaritas.
“You can’t let it defeat you, sis. If you really like her, you need to give her time.”
“But time for what?” I eagerly sip from my drink.
“It could be anything. You don’t know her that well. She could have left Chicago to run from a broken relationship. These things take time.”
“I know,” I groan. “I just… was so excited about her moving here. I had it all figured out in my head already.”
“I know what you need, Tessie.” Megan looks at me intently. “You need an afternoon with your niece and nephews, say tomorrow after school until about nine?”
“What?” I thump Megan in the hip with a full fist. “I’m sitting here pouring my heart out to you and you’re asking me to babysit?”
“I was going to ask you anyway and I wanted to get it out before you had too many of these.” She holds up her cocktail glass and clinks it against mine.
“You know I’ll do it. I don’t have anything better to do with my free time.”
“You can stop feeling sorry for yourself now,” Megan says. “It’s not as though you’ll never see her again. You’ll be working together on the much-needed and anticipated rejuvenation of The Ledger. Use that time to get to know her better. Do it stealthily.”
“It’s just that, the last time we met, I really thought we had a bit of a vibe going on between us. Some light and flirty banter. God, I enjoyed that so much. It was just so nice to talk to another lesbian. It’s hard to explain, but when you never get to do that, and then you do… it just made me feel all warm inside.”
“I can arrange for Myriam and Isabella to come over for dinner,” Megan says earnestly.
“No. God no. I don’t want a double dose of happy coupledom rubbed in my face. Them and you and Coach.” I take a few big gulps from my drink. “What’s the big occasion tomorrow evening anyway?”
Megan pulls up her shoulders. “I don’t know. Scott just said, ‘Get rid of our spawn, I’m taking you somewhere.’”
“Ugh, that guy.” I roll my eyes at Megan.
“I know, he’s the worst.” Megan sits there smiling broadly.
“I’m just so ready for something to happen. I’m ready to fall in love again. I mistakenly believed Laura would be a good candidate, but, well, I guess I’m on track to become Nelson’s lesbian spinster.”
“Oh stop it. You’re a Douglas, Tess. I won’t have that kind of talk.” Megan mimics Dad’s voice.
Despite myself, I chuckle. I like Laura, but at this point, it’s really more my ego that got hurt by her refusal. Besides, I’ll be seeing her soon enough. The Ledger needs her.
Seven
On Monday, on my way back from Aunt Milly’s, I decide to lengthen my run. I need it to clear my head. All morning, my drawing arm was all tremors and hesitation again. If this persists, I’ll go broke in a few months. And then there was Tess’s phone call yesterday, which kept me up for a large part of the night battling feelings of inadequacy.
When I came here, on the long drive down from Chicago, I truly believed that with every mile I bridged, I was preparing myself to leave the past behind a bit more. I guess I was wrong. Every night, I see her face in my dreams. The look of disbelief on it—her lips stretched into a vexed O—just before her head crashed against the marble coffee table.
I run faster, hoping that a change of pace will also change my thoughts. But Tracy is still a dark cloud hanging over me. Even now, almost nine months after I buried her.
“She deserved it,” my friend Rachel said. But nobody deserves that. I make a mental note to call Rachel as soon as I get home. I need a friendly voice to talk to. Because now I fear I might have blown my chances at friendship with Tess.
I couldn’t possible go on a date with her. I’m nowhere near ready to dredge up my past. Questions would come up and all I’d be doing throughout the evening would be finding acceptable ways to dodge normal conversation. Additionally, I can’t make myself vulnerable like that. Nor can I sit across from another woman and let her believe she has a chance with me.
I take a left into a street I’ve never been down before. Two boys are playing clumsily with a football in the front yard of a house. They wave maniacally as I go past. I give them a smile, and it feels so good to smile. To just forget about everything for a brief instant. I slow my pace a little so I can catch my breath. This is a lovely street, I think, when I hear my name being called. I look back and see Tess in the driveway of the house where the boys were playing.
Oh shit. I thought this street would be safe, as there are no ranches on it, nor does it house the office of The Ledger.
“Hey.” I jog back a few feet, but keep my distance. This really is a small town.
“Meet my two monsters of nephews, Toby and Max.” The boys have come running, curiosity shimmering in their eyes. “Their sister Emma is inside taking a nap.”
“Hi guys. I’m Laura.” I give the boys another wave. There’s no doubt they’re Megan’s children—and Tess’s nephews—what with the freckles on their noses and the green specks in their eyes.
“Do you play football?” the youngest one asks.
I giggle at the thought. “I’m afraid I don’t.”
“Our dad is the coach,” the oldest says, his little chest swelling with pride.
“That’s awesome.” What else am I supposed to say to that?
“He can throw a ball from here all the way to the end of the street,” the youngest says.
“Let’s not get carried away, Max.” Tess pats him on the shoulder. “Go on. Continue your game. I need to speak to Laura for a second.”
Obediently, the boys shuffle back to the lawn.
Tess takes a step closer to me. “I’m sorry about asking you out like that. I don’t want things to be awkward between us.” She looks tired. I spot dark circles under her eyes that I haven’t previously seen.
“It’s fine.” I wave her off. “It’s not you, Tess. You’re lovely. I’m just…” I’m what? Broken? Damaged goods? “Not ready for any of that.”
Tess nods her understanding. “Bad break-up?”
“Something like that.”
“You seem parched. Can I offer you a glass of water?” Thankfully, Tess picks up on my reluctance to delve deeper into the topic. “I need to go back into the house in case Emma wakes up.”
I hesitate. My normal reaction would be to say no and continue my run. But Tess has been so nice to me, and I feel like I somehow ought to make it up to her for not wanting to go on a date. “Sure. Thanks.”
“Come along then.”
I follow her into the house.
“I’m on babysitting duty until tonight. Megan and Scott are on a romantic date.” Tess checks the baby monitor. “Which means I’ll sleep like a log tonight. Children are so exhausting.”
“I can imagine.” I’m in the open-plan kitchen of what looks like a modest but beautifully decorated house.
Tess pours me some water and hands me a glass. “There you go.” This time, neither her gaze nor her fingers linger. It’s as though she can barely look me in the eye.
“What does your sister do?”
“She’s a stay-at-home mom, which is quite possibly the toughest job on the planet.”
“Do you have any other sisters or brothers?” I ask.
“Nope. Just me and Megs. Mom seems to take strange pleasure in telling us how hard it was to give birth to one child and then having to do it all over again immediately. She claims that’s why she never wanted to have any more after that ordeal.”
“Who’s the oldest?” My casual questions seem to relax Tess.
“I was born first, which makes me thirty minutes older—and oh so much wiser—than Megan.” She gives a chuckle. “Oh sweet irony.” She waves an arm across the room. “Look at all this. Happily married for sixteen years. To the football coach no less—the value of which should not be underestimated in this town. Her own house, as opposed to still living on Mom and Dad’s ranch. Three gorgeous children.”
Is Tess having a nervous breakdown in front of me? “Are you all right?”
She pulls her lips into a smile but, even though I don’t know her that well, it’s as if I can see it’s not an entirely genuine one. “Yes. Of course. It’s a bit early for my midlife crisis. But, you know, when you have a twin, you basically have to resign yourself to being compared to the other your entire life. Guess who always comes out on top?” That smile has turned into a hint of pout.
“It all depends on how you define success in life. Maybe it’s different here, but in Chicago I had quite a few friends who were single by choice—and all the happier for it. Same goes for having children. We, as women, are so trained to believe that it’s our highest calling in life to procreate, but when you come to think of it, the planet is already seriously overpopulated. All that was automatically assumed a few decades ago just doesn’t fly anymore these days.” I seem to have gone back into preacher mode. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be all heavy-handed.”
“That’s quite all right. And I really appreciate what you just said.”
“Good.” I try to find Tess’s eyes, but she still refuses to look at me. “When shall we have our next Ledger meeting?”
“Some time this week?” Tess leans against the kitchen counter. Then the baby monitor starts producing noise. “Ah, someone’s awake.”
“I’ll leave you to it,” I say. “Shoot me an email about the meeting.”
Tess nods and starts for a door to her left, while I head for the front door.
The boys are still playing football outside, though their tiny hands barely have a grasp on the ball.
I wave goodbye and try to fall into the easy running rhythm I was in before, but the ground feels heavy underneath my feet and lifting my legs off it seems like much more of a chore than before I stopped.
* * *
After I’ve showered, I call Rachel—the friend I miss the most after moving south.
“How’s Texas treating you?” she asks.
“Not too bad.” We talk about Aunt Milly’s health and the state of the house and then I just blurt it out. “I met someone. She seems eager.”
“How about you? Are you eager?” Rachel’s voice is dead serious.
“I like her, but, you know.”
“No need to mince your words with me, Laura. I know what Tracy did to you. I saw the evidence. And I understand your hesitation. Don’t rush into anything before all your wounds have healed.”
“Trust me, I won’t. But she asked me out and I said no and now everything is a little awkward between us. Which is a shame because it was just sta
rting to feel good to make a new friend.”
“You still have friends in Chicago. Never forget that.”
Who were part of the reason I wanted to leave. “I think about you all the time, Rach,” I joke. It’s not a lie, but after what happened, it was hard to even face my best friend and lead a normal life. Because Rachel knew everything and it was hard to look that knowledge in the eye and not hate myself more.
“Let me know when I can come down for the weekend. Are you settled in?”
“More or less, though Aunt Milly has a lot of stuff in the house that I don’t know what to do with.”
“Has she given you permission to throw it out?”
“She has. She has taken all she needs to the home. Apparently, the older you get, the less stuff you need.”
“Take my advice, Laura. Get rid of as much as possible and start fresh. Paint the walls. Get new furniture. Make it your home. In a way, you were lucky that you could leave Chicago and that you weren’t tied to a job at a company that needs you to clock in every day. Though I greatly hope you come back to Chi-town one day, you should do everything to start a new life in Nelson. A clean slate, like we talked about.”
“Come over soon,” I say, more neediness audible in my voice than I would like. “It can get a bit lonely out here in the boondocks.”
Eight
Tess
“I have to go, Dad. I have a meeting.” My father just shoved a broom in my hands and asked me to sweep the porch.
“Why do you suddenly have so many meetings? You never used to have so many.”
“I told you. I’m rebranding The Ledger. I’m meeting the woman who’s doing all the graphic design work.”
“What’s wrong with how The Ledger looks now? It has looked like that for fifty years and nobody has ever complained. On the contrary, people will surely start fussing if you change everything around.”
