by Roxy Jacenko
Roxy Jacenko is the powerhouse behind Sydney’s hottest fashion, beauty and lifestyle PR firm, Sweaty Betty PR. Not only do the products she publicises make the pages of every magazine in town, but so does Roxy herself. It’s rare to see her away from the social pages. She starred in 2013’s Celebrity Apprentice, and her profile is only going up! Read Roxy’s bestselling Jazzy Lou novels Strictly Confidential and The Rumour Mill.
This is a work of fiction. While a number of real-life celebrities are referred to by name in this book, there is no suggestion that any of them were actually involved with any activity or event described in it. All other characters in this book are purely fictional and readers must not assume that any of the events within it are based on actual facts or real people.
First published in 2014
Copyright © Roxy Jacenko 2014
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act.
Allen & Unwin
83 Alexander Street
Crows Nest NSW 2065
Australia
Phone: (61 2) 8425 0100
Email: [email protected]
Web: www.allenandunwin.com
Cataloguing-in-Publication details are available from the National Library of Australia
www.trove.nla.gov.au
ISBN 978 1 76011 144 1
eISBN 978 1 74343 888 6
Typeset by Bookhouse, Sydney
CONTENTS
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
for my mummy x
1
I’m guessing it was the first – and probably the last – time a bomb squad has been called out to detonate a sex toy. In my defence, it was my husband and his overly active imagination who thought the buzzing noise coming from the box left on our doorstep sounded like an explosive. Okay, the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney aren’t exactly a prime target for terrorists, but at the time I had recently made an enemy of a Russian businessman with possible links to the mafia, so it wasn’t that illogical a leap. Mysterious box – must be a bomb. Let’s be honest, if it was going to happen to anyone, it would happen to me. That’s why when my husband Michael shook the box then yelled, ‘Ruuuuun,’ I ran like a supermodel for a cupcake after a Fashion Week closing party.
In hindsight, I must have looked hilarious. Just imagine, Australia’s premier fashion publicist, Jasmine Lewis – the owner of luxury PR consultancy Queen Bee – sprinting down the road like a James Bond extra. Oh, except I was dragging a toddler and a Birkin handbag. I also like to think I have better dress sense than a Bond girl. Who wears a black leisure jumpsuit? Pleeease. How try-hard! For me, it’s all about hi-lo dressing – if you want to wear leather then tone it down with a sports tee.
Note to self – I’d have to let Miu Miu know their high-top trainers are not only super cute but also bombscare-proof. I outran Michael even though I was wearing four-inch wedges. They should start supplying these bad boys to the Australian armed forces.
When Michael called the police, I was surprised they took it so seriously. As my husband hollered down the phone, ‘We’re under attack!’, I wonder whether the emergency-services operator did a quick record search of our names. Are eighteen parking fines in six months enough to put a girl on the most-wanted list?
Luckily, my daughter Fifi thought it was all a game, while the three of us huddled behind a neighbour’s Mercedes, me expecting to see smoke billowing from our driveway at any second. As the police cars got closer, Fifi sang along with the sirens: ‘Nee naw, nee naw. Join in, Mummy!’ I really needed to start limiting her TV time and maybe delete the ‘police chase’ channel from our Sky Box. For an almost two-year-old, she seemed far too comfortable with drama, and totally at ease with the mayhem unfolding around her.
In my opinion, it was a little excessive sending six squad cars and a police helicopter, which circled our house so low that it blew the cover off the swimming pool. Perhaps it was a slow crime day, or they just don’t get many bomb scares in suburban Sydney, but it seemed like every cop in the city turned up on our doorstep.
‘They’ll probably do a controlled explosion,’ Michael assured me as we peered over the car’s bonnet, watching a bomb disposal expert creeping down our driveway behind a transparent shield. Apparently my husband was now an explosives expert as well as an investment banker. I didn’t point out that his entire knowledge of bomb disposal was gleaned from episodes of 24. Anyway, what did I know?
‘Umm, yeah. They’ll just cut the red wire, right, with a pair of those nail scissors . . . or something,’ I replied. I didn’t have a clue, but I’m a firm believer in faking it until you make it.
When it comes to knowledge, my specialist subjects are somewhat superficial. I can recite the names of every designer to have shown at New York Fashion Week, spot a knock-off handbag at a hundred paces, and know how to blag my way into any marquee in the Melbourne Cup Birdcage (not that I need to, as I’d hope I’m on the VIP guest list). I also have an inbuilt homing device for high-end shopping spots. Drop me in any city in the world and I’ll hunt out a Louis Vuitton store, without any wi-fi reception. However, none of these unique skills would be helpful in our current situation, so for once I remained silent. I watched and I waited as the team of experts entered my home and, after twenty tense minutes, exited in a huddle with one of them carrying the box as gingerly as a newborn baby.
As we huddled behind the car in our combat position I saw a guy approaching who resembled the lead actor from Entourage. You know, the one with the eyes you could swim in. What was his name again? Adam? Adrian? I was itching to Wikipedia it, but this was neither the time nor the place to pull out my iPhone.
I guessed that Adam/Adrian was head of the bomb squad, because he was wearing a black bomber jacket with a badge on the chest that read ‘Explosive Ordnance Disposal’. I’d actually seen a very similar jacket on the Ksubi catwalk at last season’s Fashion Week. In an odd way this brought me some comfort. If we were about to die, at least I’d leave the world in well-dressed company.
I suddenly had a thought – what was the last thing I’d posted on social media? I know how newspapers work and how lazy journalists are when it comes to research. With any dramatic death, whether it’s a murder or a car crash, they simply drag your last words from Twitter and your last photo from Instagram. Front page done! That’s why, before I step foot on a plane, I always make sure I tweet something reflective and intelligent (‘I am officially over the phrase “so blessed”. It appears that it’s taken over from “I know, right?”. Eugh. LOL’). I also make sure I Instagram a flattering picture. It could be the last memory of me if I cark it.
I needn’t have worried, as it didn’t seem like the bomb squaddie was bringing bad news. In fact, Adam/Adrian seemed to be on the verge of laughing, unless that twitch of his lip was caused by anx
iety. ‘You three better come with me,’ he said, offering me a hand, which I refused. I may have been crouched in the gutter, but I have my dignity.
As we obediently followed our saviour towards the house, I noticed that all the other police cars were leaving. See ya then! Clearly we were no longer a priority, which was surely a good sign – or else they were giving the bomb a wide berth.
We were ushered into the back of an unmarked white van. On the floor of the van was the bright yellow shoebox we’d found on our doorstep, wrapped in the remains of a black ribbon. I hadn’t really got a good look at it before Michael sounded the alarm. It didn’t look very ‘bomby’.
Another of my special skills is being able to recognise the gift-wrap of every major department store in the southern and northern hemispheres, just by its colour scheme. I can pick out Tiffany blue, Fortnum & Mason green and Bloomingdale’s brown in an instant.
That’s why I instantly knew this box had come from Selfridges, which is my favourite department store in London. This is mainly because I’m obsessed with the candy section in the food hall. Where else can you buy a pair of Jimmy Choos, elderflower marshmallows and vodka lollipops under one roof? Either these bombers had good taste or we may have jumped to the wrong conclusion. I had a growing suspicion it was the latter.
‘What the hell is that?’ asked Michael, peering into the box, which he’d approached cautiously.
Adrian looked at me with one eyebrow raised. ‘The boys and I think we’ve identified it,’ he replied. ‘But maybe your wife can give us a second opinion.’
Why was he asking me? I struggle to program the DVD player, let alone decipher a weapon of mass destruction. But, hey, maybe I’d uncover hidden talents. I did once untangle twelve hundred gold charm necklaces which had arrived from the manufacturer in a knot harder to unpuzzle than a Rubik’s Cube.
So I approached the box, pushing up the sleeves of my cashmere jumper. I half expected to see a grenade, or at least a mass of red and blue wires. But . . . this wasn’t what bombs looked like in the movies. For one, it was presented so nicely. Nestled in the box, on a bed of baby-pink tissue paper, was a gold metal gadget shaped like an oversized jellybean. As I peered more closely, I noticed two words engraved in the side: ‘Lust Personified’. Was that a . . . ? No, it couldn’t be . . .
The van had fallen silent as the men waited for my expert analysis. I cleared my throat and, glancing at Fifi, lowered my voice as I answered. ‘I can’t be sure, officer, as it’s not exactly my area of expertise, but I think that’s a vibrator. Yes, yes, I’m pretty sure it is.’
As I learned later, when I checked on the Selfridges website, this wasn’t just any vibrator. It was by Lelo – the most expensive makers of ‘intimate lifestyle products’ in the world. The model I had in front of me was worth $5500, but the most expensive vibrator they sell is made of twenty-four-carat gold and has a price tag of $15,000. That is one pricey orgasm.
‘Jazz, did you order this?’ hissed Michael. Bloody cheek! I may often forget to eat lunch and frequently freeze my iPhone by putting in the wrong pin code but I never, ever lose track of my internet shopping. And I certainly wouldn’t forget ordering a $5500 vibrator.
So who had sent it? If this were a gift from a brand it would have been sent to the Queen Bee offices. Then I noticed an envelope sticking out from beneath the tissue paper. How had the bomb squad missed the gift card? Seriously!
I ripped open the envelope and read the card aloud:
Jazzy Lou, I saw this and thought of you. If you want a job done well, do it yourself. Love and kisses, Shelley
I should have guessed! Only my oldest and dearest friend Shelley Shapiro would be cheeky enough – and also wealthy enough – to splash out a few thousand dollars on a novelty sex toy. Raised by a single mother, who died when Shelley was eighteen, my BFF and partner-in-crime had been left with a bottomless trust fund – and a fiercely independent streak. She lived by the motto: ‘You don’t need a man when you can buy happiness.’ Her main occupation, as noted on visa documentation, was ‘shopper’, although she’d recently started adding ‘fashion conservator’ to confuse customs officials.
Shelley was my most trusted confidante and the only person who knew that my marriage was going through a rough patch. Despite the fact that we’d only just passed our one-year anniversary, the honeymoon period was a distant memory. This was not something I wanted to make public knowledge.
I put a lot of effort into maintaining a perfect public front. When Michael joined me at VIP functions – which he did less and less frequently – I had mastered our red carpet ‘loving couple’ pose (my hand on his shoulder, our feet pointed towards each other).
I know I shouldn’t care what other people think, but this is Sydney, the home of keeping up appearances. Also, I was sure that Michael’s ex-girlfriend Belle Single analysed every pap photograph of us, looking for signs of wear and tear. The pin-up had too much time on her hands since her reality TV show had been canned. If you were one of the few people to watch it, you might have noticed she still has a photo of Michael stuck to her fridge. Really, girl, get a grip!
This is why I would never admit to anyone besides my best friend that my relationship had all the pizzazz of an X Factor reject. Our sex life in particular was less than explosive (excuse the pun), which explained the motivation behind Shelley’s surprise present. Later, my best friend insisted it was sent as a joke after a few too many martinis. This was classic Shelley! In the same intoxicated online shopping spree, she’d also ordered a $6000 Dior watch and a Harry Potter wand from Harrods’ kids’ department. She gave me the former as an apology, and Fifi got the latter, which became her favourite accessory.
Unfortunately, the bomb scare had ongoing consequences – especially to Michael’s ego. Apparently, your wife’s sex toy becoming the talk of the Australian police force is emasculating. Come on, bud! This is the twenty-first century. Cameron Diaz has told the world about her vibrator. For fuck’s sake, Jennifer Lawrence admitted that a maid once found a box of butt plugs under her bed. Even if I had bought it myself, every woman is allowed to experiment.
But my husband is more prudish than the average celebrity. Michael saw the gift as a slight to his manhood. And, naturally, the news made the next weekend’s newspapers, thanks to gossip columnist Wally Grimes, who always salivated over my mishaps. (Note to self: I still have to find out which of my neighbours leaked the story and get my revenge, possibly by posting negative feedback on their eBay. Hah!)
Thank goodness that bitter twisted old queen Wally only got half the story, and didn’t find out exactly what was inside the parcel. Still, he made the most of his sparse information: WHAT A BOMBSHELL! Socialite-cum-publicist Jasmine Lewis sparks bomb scare with her shopping haul. If there’s one thing I hate it’s being called a fucking socialite. I am an entrepreneur, thank you very much. I run a multimillion-dollar business. Don’t lump me in with the Paris Hiltons of the world.
That little incident also meant that Michael and I were placed on the emergency services’ blacklist of time wasters. FFS, Shelley! Just imagine it – Australia’s premier fashion publicist listed alongside a woman who once called the police because the power cut out in her apartment and she was worried her Sara Lee gateau would melt (true story). That is not the type of exclusive club I want to be a part of . . .
There was one positive repercussion of the bomb scare – I now had an excuse to redecorate our house. Well, I really had no other option. Despite the fact that the mystery package was left on our doorstep, the bomb squad had crashed through the house in both directions. The cream carpet was covered in muddy footprints, there was a dent in the patio doorframe and, as I tried to explain to Michael, it just felt . . . traumatised. And I wasn’t the only person who thought so.
‘Eeesh, you poor baby,’ soothed my new interior designer when he came to inspect the damage. But he wasn’t talking to me, he was talking to the bricks and mortar. Jackson Saunders is the absolute best in th
e interiors business and had spent the past three months in Los Angeles, designing Perez Hilton’s playroom. Because of his celeb-heavy CV (and the $5000 Armani suits he wore even when painting), I could overlook the fact that the flamboyant creative had a . . . new-agey way of working.
The moment I’d opened the front door to Jackson and invited him in, he’d put his ear to the wallpaper in the hallway and listened intently. Oh god, was that a tear rolling down his cheek? ‘Jazzy Lou, this house is troubled,’ he shrilled. ‘We’re just going to have to change it all. There really is no other option!’
Jackson calls himself an ‘interior delighter’ and believes every house has a soul and must ‘give birth’ to its own colour scheme. The owner just has to cough up the moolah. I usually have little patience for this kind of mumbo jumbo, but Jackson’s portfolio was stunning, despite his unusual way of working. He was currently on his hands and knees on the hallway carpet, his eyes closed. ‘I can feel your house’s heart beating,’ he mewed. ‘My darling, your house needs interior therapy – stat!’
‘Are you thinking a few tweaks here and there?’ I asked, already knowing the answer was not going to be in the affirmative. Jackson was famous for his extreme makeovers, which were the interiors equivalent of Demi Moore’s pre-Charlie’s Angels cosmetic surgery. My house would be unrecognisable when he’d finished.
I glanced over my shoulder to the living room where Michael was listening to a podcast on his laptop. Thankfully, his noise-cancelling headphones meant he hadn’t overheard us. My husband had recently developed an obsession with an American motivational speaker called Chad Turner (you might have seen his TED talk on ‘extreme board meetings’; he once flew his entire workforce to Everest Base Camp for a brainstorm). I think Michael had a corporate crush, although I wouldn’t say it to him. At bedtime, his nose was always stuck in a copy of Chad’s business memoir, and I noticed he’d started speaking in Americanisms. The other day, I’d actually heard him bark down the phone, ‘The difference between “try” and “triumph” is just a little umph!’
