by Mj Fields
“Okay Ben,” she said and he stood up.
“We’re taking off,” Ben took a deep breath; “I’m going to miss you terribly, Tess. If you need me for anything, please call or send a message okay? For anything. See you later, hot stuff.”
“I’ll miss your face Ben,” she smiled “Be safe.”
He turned to walk away and looked back, “You looking… it’s pretty damn amazing.”
She laughed, and watched him walk away.
“Hey Lucas, how are you?” Ben asked.
“I’m fine Ben, how is MY girl?” he asked.
“She’s right over there… you should go ask her yourself,” Ben said snidely, “I’ll be gone for a year Lucas, be good to her.”
“Where you going?” he asked.
“To study in Europe,” Ben looked back at Tessa.
“Trying to get away from something Ben?”
“Trying to avoid watching a girl I love be treated like far less than she deserves to be,” Ben said, “Take care, Links.”
Lucas could not believe he had said that to his face.
“Is that what made her cry? A confession of your love to her?” he called after him.
Ben quickly turned around and walked towards him.
“You don’t need to make a scene. No, she has no idea. I wouldn’t want to hurt her. But you better tread lightly. She’s over there rocking a baby, and she lost yours six months ago, I asked her how she was. I remembered it had been six months because I remember her pain. You better start looking beyond yourself. She loves you, and you have no fucking clue how lucky you are,” Ben turned and walked away.
Lucas stood there for a minute and tried to calm himself down. Everyone outside of close family had left the party. Tessa was still rocking Luke and singing to him. Lucas helped clean up and finally walked over to Tessa.
“Hi,” he said softly.
“Hi,” she said and looked up at him.
He stared at her for a long time and then touched her arm. He searched her face for a reaction, and there wasn’t one. Tessa looked at the baby and took a deep breath and looked back at him.
“Tessa if that’s what you want, we should try again.”
She looked shocked and whispered, “What are you talking about?”
“If you want a baby, Tessa we can try,” his eyes burning hers.
“Is that what you want, Lucas?” she asked trying to process what he had just said.
“I want you to be happy,” he looked at her.
“I am perfectly happy right now,” she looked at the sleeping baby.
“I know, you look so at home when you hold him and it’s so amazing.”
“No, Lucas that’s not what I want right now,” she looked sadly at him wondering how he could think that was actually the issue and wondering if she really knew what the issue was.
“Okay then tell me how to make you happy?”
“Lucas, I shouldn’t have to,” she bent over and kissed his lips lightly. “We’re screwing this up again, and it’s breaking my heart,” Tessa stood up and walked over and followed Jade to the car.
When they finished cleaning up. Troy put his arm around Tessa and smiled, “So Carmen and I are staying with you and Lucas for a couple days. We are going to have a good time aren’t we?”
Tessa was confused but pulled it off not wanting to make Troy or Carmen uncomfortable, “Yes we are.”
Lucas was standing on the dock and looking at the water; she walked up behind him and lightly pushed him towards the water. He jumped and almost fell in, she laughed and so did he.
He hugged her. “I love you Tessa, sorry.”
“I love you, and I’m sorry,” she pulled away from him.
“About what? I’ve been the one being an ass,” he admitted.
“Sorry about this,” she walked closer and his body visible relaxed and she pushed him in the pond.
She laughed as he came up out of the water and he yelled, “You are in so much trouble!”
“I know,” she jumped in with him.
He grabbed her and kissed her. She hugged him and wrapped her legs around him laughing.
“Don’t do that, baby” he said, and she felt his hand underneath her.
“Why the panties?” he whispered as he ripped them off.
She gasped.
“Lucas, my family,” she started.
“They’re still cleaning up,” he pulled himself free from his wet shorts and slowly moved into her.
“Oh God Lucas, not here please,” she moaned her body not agreeing with her head.
“Then stop moving baby,” he moved them under the deck so they wouldn’t be seen.
“I’m going to make this quick, but I’ll more than make up for it later,” he kissed her neck as he moved hard and fast, groaning with each powerful almost overwhelming thrust. He closed his eyes and put his head against her neck. There was something different about this time. No hands, no kissing, it was possessive, animalistic; it was as if he just desperately needed a release.
“Lucas,” she moaned and tried to guide his face to hers.
“No baby,” he hissed and continued until he finished.
Tessa was shocked; it was like he wasn’t even with her. When he finally pulled his head away from her neck and looked at her his eyes were dark, pupils too dilated for the amount of light at this time of day. He closed his eyes and took a few breaths and then opened his eyes and smiled, “We good Baby?”
Tessa shook his head yes, “Kiss me?”
Lucas smiled and leaned in and kissed her softly.
They swam out into the pond and Kendall yelled
“Did she push you in?” Lucas shook his head yes, and Kendall laughed, “And then she jumped in?” he shook his head again; “You got to get her first!”
The rest of the family stood and laughed as they watched them swim towards shore.
“You do know we can’t fix everything like this right?” she asked.
“We can talk Tessa, anytime,” he smiled. “But that was nice?”
“I don’t think we have a problem in that area.”
He picked her up and threw her over his shoulder and smacked her butt, her family laughed and so did she. He walked out of the water and put her down.
“What else needs to be done around here?” Lucas asked and smirked at Tessa.
“I think that’s all,” John said. “We are just going to go unload the stuff at the house.”
They followed her family to the farm helped unload everything and Tessa and Lucas went into the bathroom to change.
“This is the first place I met the girls Tessa, well up close and very personal,” he smiled.
“It’s where a lot of stuff happened,” she said sadly.
He hugged her, “I hope you know, no matter what… I love you Tessa. When I am an ass, when I am away from you, I love you. That will never stop.”
“I know,” she said.
She wondered if that was enough for a lifetime. Because she loved him so much that she should just suffer through the hard times, not only suffer-- but expect them. She didn’t think she could do it without losing herself.
“Did you plan on coming today, or did Jade call you?”
He took a deep breath, “Jade told Ryan what you said and he called me. I was angry about everything that went on yesterday and the day before. I really just wanted to go home.”
“But you went to your old house, not ours. Why didn’t you stay here with me?”
“I was angry Tessa, and I knew you were too,” he said still holding her. “I didn’t want to talk about it. I knew I was wrong for snapping at you, and for not telling you I went to the grave and everything else. I just didn’t want to deal with it.”
“Lucas should we go to counseling to learn how to talk to each other?”
He stiffened, “No.”
“Okay,” she rubbed his back. “Are you mad that I asked that?”
“I just wish you would remember where we were less than two years ago,
and be happy with how far we’ve come.”
She wished he had said yes to counseling, and that she was worth it. Maybe she should act broken… he seemed to shine then. He was so frustrating! Well for now she knew she loved him, and it hurt much worse trying to get over him than it did having her feelings hurt every three or four months. She just hoped it didn’t happen more often and that.
CHAPTER 14
When Tessa got home from her first music lesson, she truly happy. Adam was less than personable and very harsh, but he made her want to do better and work harder. They ended the lesson with him giving her an impossibly long list of songs. Tessa had stopped to buy a keyboard on her way home, he almost insistent that she go buy a real piano she argued with him that she couldn’t right now and that this was his idea the ‘whole piano lesson thing’ so he could either take it, or leave it.
Lucas came home, and dinner was in the oven. Tessa sat on the floor and practiced row row row your boat.
“What’s this? Piano now?” He kissed her head.
“Oh I forgot, I didn’t get a chance to tell you. Adam said I should take up an instrument and that it should be piano, pushy prick! He doesn’t take no for an answer. But he can play everything Lucas. I know I can learn a lot from him.” He didn’t respond. “Did you hear me?”
“Yep I heard he is pushy and doesn’t take no for an answer that he can play anything and that you can learn a lot from him, and I already can’t stand him,” He said. “I think you need to find a new teacher, soon. I don’t even know why you’re doing this to be honest Tessa, do you?”
She looked at him, totally confused.
“Well is it something you’re going to truly pursue or make something of?” he asked.
She smiled and answered, “I don’t know.”
Screw you! She screamed in her head.
“Hey I’m going for a run,” she stood and quickly went to the door
“Tessa can I go with you?” he knew he pissed her off…again.
“No, actually I need to do this alone, although I don’t know why I bother it’s not like I am going to be a FUCKING marathon runner,” she put her shoes on and started out the door.
He slammed the door and grabbed her.
“Don’t leave,” he was a mix of confused and pissed.
“Take your hands off me,” Tessa snapped.
“No, you listen to me,” he yelled as he grabbed her tightly holding her arms to her side.
“Take …your…hands…off ...of …me…now,” she yelled.
“Fine go run, it’s not like you’re doing anything else,” he let go of her and walked away.
“You have no idea what you have just done to us Lucas-- NONE!” she started to leave.
“You go right ahead and make threats, Tessa. What are you going to do run home to the farm,” she slapped him across the face. “Nice-- you’re certainly the most fucked up of all of them.”
She ran for almost two hours. When she came home he was gone, he left a note.
Tessa,
I’m going to New Jersey for a couple days. Do whatever it is that makes you happy, it certainly isn’t me.
Lucas
She screamed and started crying. She jumped in the shower and came out and threw on a bra and underwear on. She grabbed a tote from the closet and started emptying her drawers in it. She cranked up the radio and started throwing stuff out of the closet onto the floor. The radio turned off, and she turned around.
“Tessa don’t go,” he said his eyes were red, “Please don’t go.”
“Are you high Lucas?” she was shocked.
He looked at her, “I love you, Tessa. Don’t go please.”
“I’m not staying here with you, you’re mean,” he walked towards her. She stepped back, “I will slap the other side of your face.”
“Okay just don’t leave,” he stepped closer.
“Lucas I can’t feel like this anymore. I won’t feel like this anymore. We need a break. We need a break every four months,” she laughed. “This is crazy… what are we doing?”
“We love each other,” he said quietly.
“We love to sleep together,” she went in the closet and brought out more clothes. “You don’t love me Lucas or you wouldn’t talk to me the way you did today.”
“Do you honestly believe that?” he said. “Is that all this has been to you?! You’re full of shit Tessa!”
“That’s what you’ve shown me for three weeks. You-- Lucas have shown me that what I want, what I feel, and who I am… doesn’t mean a thing to you,” she said fighting tears.
“You are my world Tessa, my whole world. Don’t leave me, I won’t survive without you, do you understand… I won’t!” He got on his knees and hugged her around her waist. “I don’t want to do this without you, I love you.”
She looked down at him clinging to her. She took a deep breath. He looked up through his long lashes, and she saw tears. She ran her hand through his hair and he closed his eyes and leaned into her.
“Okay,” she whispered finally.
She woke up in the morning, and everything had been put back in place. There was a note in the bathroom,
Thank You Baby, I Love You
I’m so sorry,
Love,
Lucas
She went to work, and the day dragged. She spent time with one of the older women holding her hand to comfort her, she had dementia and was having a very rough day. It was hard to let her go. She understood a little about the disease: her grandmother had it and had passed four years ago. She realized now how scared and alone she must have felt, even surrounded by her family.
She pulled in the parking lot and took a deep breath and realized he was home, and she wasn’t ready. She sat outside for fifteen minutes looking down. God what am I doing. Enough damage has been done.
He opened her door and looked at her, “Will you come in?”
“Just give me a minute,” she said and pretended to look for something.
He laughed and shook his head, “Alright, but could you hurry I want to show you something.”
He stood at the door.
She got out and walked up the stairs, he held the door open, there were candles lining the hallway into the dining room. The path led to a black lacquer piano.
She smiled and looked at it, “It’s beautiful, Lucas”
“I want you to do what makes you happy,” he wrapped his arm around her.
She closed her eyes and looked down.
“You can’t look at me because I hurt you. Again, I hurt you again,” he pulled her tighter and her breath quivered and her body shook.
“I need a minute,” she said but didn’t leave. She was afraid if she walked away, she wouldn’t come back.
And if she didn’t come back, she wouldn’t see him again. And if she didn’t see him again, what was this all for? She loved him; she gave herself to him that has to mean something.
“Thank you,” she finally said.
“Would you like to play?”
He looked down at her, and she shook her head no.
“Alright would you like to eat? I made dinner.”
“No, I’m not hungry, but you eat,” she walked upstairs and took a shower and went to bed.
She was asleep, and he lay next to her. He watched her sleep as he drifted off. She screamed and sat up.
“Tessa what’s wrong?” as he sat up and grabbed her.
She cried out and he held her, as she fell back asleep.
She didn’t wake up with him, and for the next few days she tried to avoid him. He uncomfortably walked on pins and needles around her.
Her phone chimed, and it was him.
-meet me for lunch today, I need to talk to you about something that has come up...LL
She pulled into the jobsite, and he was waiting.
“Hi Tessa.”
“Hi.”
“I know you probably have plans but,” he said and lifted her chin, so she had to look at him, “Can you plea
se look at me. Thank You, Miles has invited me to train with his team for a week.”
Her eyes got wide, and she looked scared. “I don’t want you to.”
He looked confused, “Why?”
“I’m sorry, you should go,” she looked down.
He pulled her down to the ground, “Knee to knee, and look at me.”
“Lucas we’re on the sidewalk, there are people looking at us,” she gasped.
“I don’t care just look at me,” he said desperately. “If you don’t want me to go I won’t, I just think it’s a good opportunity, Jose will be there to, just tell me what you want.”
“Okay-- go,” she stood up.
He stood and cupped her face in his hands, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, when?”
“I will have to leave Sunday night. I will be back on Friday night, and I start practice the next week,” he answered.
“Okay, I am going to help at my church’s Vacation Bible School next week,” she looked at him “It’s from five to eight at night.”
“When did you decide that?”
“Just now,” she looked down.
“Okay, will you be home Friday night when I get back, at our home Tessa?”
She looked at him for a minute, one of the longest minutes of his life, “I thought I would be… do you not want me to be?”
“God yes, I was just afraid you would move out,” he admitted.
“I told you I wasn’t leaving Lucas,” she looked hurt.
“Tessa we haven’t exactly been doing all that great, I just didn’t know what you were planning.”
“Ok, but I mean what I say. Don’t you know that by now?” she asked and started to look away.
He pulled her face up again, bent down and kissed her gently. She stood still; he gently kissed her lip sealing his over hers and she squeezed her eyes shut. She gasped, and he pulled her into him and kissed her over and over. Her face relaxed and she finally kissed him. She pulled away and rested her forehead on his chest.
“Thank you,” he said. “I love you, Tessa.”
She reached up and grabbed the back of his neck, “I love you too, Lucas.”
He held her tight, and she wrapped her arms around him, and breathed deeply.
“See you at home?” he asked pulling her chin up and resting his forehead against hers.
