by L. A. Casey
“Yeah, Leland,” I said. “I have, and she is your mom.”
“This girl is like Ma.” He smiled. “I’m gonna marry ‘er.”
“Hold your horses.” I chuckled. “You’re only thirteen.”
Leland flicked his grey eyes to mine, and said, “I’ll marry ‘er when I’m eighteen then. I’m not being stupid and marryin’ her after spendin’ loads of years in love with her like you did with Ma.”
My lips parted. “Things were complicated with me and your mom. It wasn’t that easy.”
“Love is always easy, Da. Once ye’ find the right girl, it’ll figure itself out.”
I watched him walk into the living room, and as I stared after him, I pondered if he was really my son or Alec’s.
“Who is this girl that has you madly in love with one glance?”
Leland fell into the couch, and said, “I’ve no idea, but I still love her.”
God, give me patience.
“Start from the beginning.”
“I saw ‘er on the sidelines durin’ me match today.” Leland sighed. “She’s one of me mate’s cousins, I know that much, but they left before I could ask ‘im what ‘er name was. She’s from Japan, and holy crap, she’s beautiful. She has hair as dark as night, skin like caramel, and she’s itty bitty. I’m gonna marry her, I know it.”
“You’re spending too much time around your uncle Alec.”
“Da,” Leland groaned as he rolled off the couch and onto the floor. “I’m in love, and I don’t even know ‘er name.”
I smiled, shook my head, and said, “Text your friend and ask him her name.”
“I already did that,” he grunted. “Akio says he won’t tell me because I’m not sniffin’ around his cousin. He said she doesn’t speak English very good either. He’s standin’ between me and the girl I’m goin’ to marry, the shitehead.”
I laughed. “Love always finds a way, don’t worry.”
“I guess,” he said just as Alannah hollered, “Dinner’s done.”
“Thank God,” Leland said as he got to his feet. “Bein’ in love makes me hungry.”
I playfully swiped at him as he ducked out of the room. My remaining three sons, Noble who was ten, Soren who was eight, and Heath who was six, all descended the stairs, talking at once. They walked by me without a word, but when they entered the kitchen, each of them hugged and kissed their mom. I glared after the little turds before I followed them and joined them all at the table as my wife, and Kailen, served us dinner. Once everyone was seated and eating away, conversation about the soccer games earlier in the day became the main topic of discussion.
“I have somethin’ I wanna say,” Kailen said during a moment of silence.
Noble looked at Kailen, and said, “So say it.”
“I will, but before I do, I want ye’s to promise me ye’s won’t think differently of me.”
I felt nervous on my son’s behalf but so proud of him for deciding to tell his brothers about his sexuality.
“I’d never think different of ye’,” Soren said. “So shoot.”
The rest of the boys nodded in agreement, so after Kailen looked at me and his mom for support, he took a breath and said, “I’m bisexual, and I have a boyfriend. Ye’ might know ‘im. It’s Rome Forrest.”
Leland, who was next to me, began to choke on his chicken, so I smacked his back out of instinct.
“You’re gay?” Leland eventually asked, his breathing laboured.
Kailen stared at not only his brother but his best friend.
“No,” he said, calmly before he repeated, “I’m bisexual.”
Leland stared at Kailen, and Kailen stared right back at him. I didn’t realise I was holding my breath until my chest began to burn with pain. I prayed my son didn’t say something homophobic because I knew it’d devastate Kailen. They were the closest of my boys, and they were always together.
“I’m not hungry anymore,” Leland suddenly said and got to his feet.
Tears filled Alannah’s eyes instantly.
“Leland!” Kailen shouted, jumped to his feet and stopped Leland from leaving the room. “Don’t be like this, man. Please.”
“Be like what?”
“Don’t be weird about this,” Kailen pleaded, his hands shaking. “You’re me best friend, me brother, and I don’t want ye’ to ... to hate me.”
“I don’t bloody hate ye’,” Leland stated. “I’m pissed at ye’.”
“Why?”
“Ye’ know I hate Rome Forrest. He is an arsehole who never passes the bloody ball durin’ our matches, and he always talks shite, now I’m supposed to be chilled with ye’ just announcin’ at the dinner table that you’re goin’ out with ‘im? No, ye’ can piss off, Kailen.”
Things were silence for a few seconds, then Kailen’s laughter rang loud and clear.
“What the hell are you laughin’ at?” Leland demanded, shoving his brother. “This isn’t funny.”
“You’re mad at me about Rome, not about me bein’ bi?”
“Are ye’ thick?” Leland asked, baffled. “Obviously, it’s over Rome. Why would I be mad at ye’ over ye’ likin’ lad?”
Alannah laughed as the tears left her eyes, I practically deflated against my chair, and Kailen wrapped his arms around his brother and hugged him tightly.
“I’m was shittin’ it to tell ye’. I thought ye’ might—”
“Want nothin’ to do with ye’?” Leland finished, returning his brother’s hug.
Kailen nodded and cleared his throat when he and his brother separated.
“Rome’s chill, Leland.”
“No, he’s not, and I’m not bein’ nice to ‘im,” Leland stated. “I don’t care if ye’ marry the fella. I’m not bein’ nice to ‘im. Not now, not ever.”
“You’ll come to the weddin’ though?” Kailen asked, smiling. “If we get married, that is.”
“Obviously,” Leland said with a roll of his eyes. “But I’m not bein’ nice to ‘im, no matter what, so you’re just goin’ to have to get over that ‘ere and now. Accept it, because I have.”
Kailen laughed, shoved his brother, then returned to the table. Leland followed him and returned his seat. Alannah was wiping her eyes, and I was grinning like a freak.
“This is so weird,” Soren said, his brows furrowed. “Why would you like boys? Girls are really pretty. Look at our ma and Georgie.”
Kailen looked at his brother, and said, “I can’t help it. I just happen to like both boys and girls.”
Soren looked around the table, then to his mom, he said, “Do I hafta like boys? ‘Cause I don’t wanna.”
His mother laughed. “It’s not a choice, baby. Ye’ like who ye’ like ... ye’ just aren’t allowed to be mean to someone for who they like, okay?”
“Okay.” Soren nodded and went back to eating his dinner.
Heath looked at Kailen, and said, “I like dogs. Does that mean I have to marry one, Kai? ‘Cause that’d be cool.”
A moment of silence passed before we all burst into laughter. Heath frowned as he looked at us; he was clearly dead serious about his question, and that made it funnier. He rolled his eyes and returned to eating his dinner, ignoring all of us. After we settled down, some of the kids asked Kailen questions about him being bisexual, then it was just accepted, and everyone moved on from it. From the look on Kailen’s face, I knew he was happy.
He was being himself and that made me happy.
“Da,” Noble said as I pushed my plate away and rubbed my stomach.
“What?”
“When are ye’ gonna shave your beard?”
All of my sons looked at me. Alannah ducked her head, but I caught her grin. I reached up at touch the beard I had been growing out over the past few months and frowned. “I wasn’t planning on shaving it.”
“Ye’ should,” Noble said. “It looks stupid.”
“Hey.” I frowned. “Don’t hate on me beard, ye’ little turd.”
My son snorted.
“It was either slag ye’ your beard or your gut.”
I growled. “So I don’t have a six-pack anymore, sue me.”
“Uncle Nico still has his six-pack.”
“Noble,” I growled. “You’re on thin ice, princess.”
He hated being called princess.
“Don’t hate on me just because you’ll be fat in a few years and look like Santa Claus!”
I sucked in a sharp breath. “You take that back, you little shit.”
My son got to his feet and stomped out of the kitchen.
“Santa Claus wishes he was as ripped as me!”
I didn’t have a six-pack anymore, but I was still pretty damn toned.
“You’re fooling no one with that beard, Da,” he hollered back. “You’re gonna look like Father Christmas when it gets really thick, and Uncle Alec will never let ye’ live it down.”
I paused and realised my son was right. Once my older brother realised this, he would compare me to Santa Claus because my hair was white ... and that would fucking kill me.
“Clippers,” I grunted as I got to my feet. “I need my clippers.”
Everyone laughed as I left the room and headed up to my bedroom. I entered mine and Alannah’s bathroom, picked up my clippers, and stared in the mirror.
“Can I shave it for ye’?”
I glanced at Noble as he leaned against the doorway. “Does it look that bad?”
“Nah,” he answered. “I’m just teasin’, but I know what Uncle Alec is like, and he’ll slag ye’ for sure.”
He was right. I lifted him onto the counter, handed him the clippers, instructed him on what to do, then held perfectly still as he shaved my beard. When he was finished ten minutes later, he looked proud of himself. He leaned in and kissed my cheek, which was so cute I forgot about him being a turd.
“Want to watch how I shave with a razor to get the rest of it off?”
Noble nodded and spent the next few minutes watching me shave. He was interested in the whole process, so I talked him through it all. It dawned on me that it would only be a few more years until I would be showing Leland how to shave, then Kailen, then Noble then my other sons. Time was flying by, and there was nothing I could do about it.
“There.” Noble smiled when I used a towel to dry my face off. “Ye’ look like me da again.”
I chuckled as he jumped of the counter and ran out of the room. I looked in the mirror, then left the room, walked over to my bed, and fell on top of it.
“Nice arse.”
I grinned into my pillow. “Where are the boys?”
“Leland is in charge of cleanup tonight, so he has recruited all of them to help.”
I rolled onto my back, and said, “Get your fine ass over here then.”
Alannah approached me, and said, “I think I’ll miss the beard, but Noble was right. Alec would end ye’ with jokes over it.”
“I know.” I sighed. “He’s a dick.”
My wife laughed as she climbed on top of me. She leaned down and brushed her lips over my freshly shaved skin. I slid my hands around to her ass and squeezed. She moved her lips to mine and smiled.
“Do we have sex or take a nap?”
I looked up at her, and said, “We had sex this morning, so I vote for a nap.”
Alannah laughed and rolled on her side next to me. She cuddled against me, and said, “I’m so proud of Kailen.”
“Me too,” I said, hooking my arm around her body. “I had no idea that he was dealing with it, though. Did you have any idea?”
“None,” Alannah answered. “I’m so glad we all know, and everyone is happy for him because it breaks me heart thinkin’ how scared he was that maybe we wouldn’t accept ‘im.”
I kissed the crown of her head. “Me too, but he’s happy now. Did you see his smile?”
“Yeah.” She relaxed. “He doesn’t have to hide anymore.”
I sighed, feeling content. “I love you, freckles.”
“I love ye’ too, Jack Frost.”
I smiled. “Can you believe it’s been twenty years since I first met you?”
“No, because it feels just like yesterday. Now we’re married and have five handsome young men. I love our life.”
“Me too, freckles. Me too.”
I closed my eyes and relaxed. I loved my wife and my kids more than life itself, but I would be lying if I said they didn’t wear me out. It was worth it, though. They were worth it. I counted my lucky stars every single night when I slid into bed next to my wife that I led the life I did because things could have turned out very different for me had it not been for my brothers.
I owed everything to them, and I always would.
CHAPTER TWO
Fifteen years old ...
* * *
“Damien?”
Please, go away.
“Damien, listen to me.”
I kept my eyes closed and didn’t move a muscle. I pretended that if I stayed still and didn’t speak, then no one could see me. I told myself I was trapped in a nightmare, and that at any minute, I would wake up and everything would be back to normal. That was all this was—a horrible dream. There was no way any of it could be real.
“Damien, open the door.”
I gritted my teeth and tried to force my brother’s voice out of my head. I kicked the door I laid next to, but still, I didn’t speak.
“It was an accident,” my eldest brother assured me through the white oak wood. “Everything is gonna be okay. Just open—”
“I killed him!” I cut Ryder off with a scream. “I killed Trent! I shot him. He’s dead because of me!”
I didn’t realise I was crying until I felt hot tears slide down my temples and into my hair. I reached up and covered my face with my hands as sobs tore free of my throat. I had been lying on my bedroom floor for what felt like hours, but in reality, it was probably only one. I had run up here and locked myself in when Dominic told me that the doctor said that Trent was dead. I lifted my hands from my face and punched myself in the head as I cried.
I wanted to run away and never look back, I wanted to forget my life and start over somewhere new ... but I knew that would never happen.
“Damien.” Ryder sighed, long and deep. “Please, just unlock the door so we can talk.”
There was nothing to talk about. Trent was dead because I lost my temper and shot him.
“Just go away!” I shouted. “Just leave me alone!”
I heard commotion outside in the hallway, then Kane snapped, “Open the door or I’m breaking it down. I’m deadass serious.”
I believed him, but I simply didn’t care. My chest hurt so much, my stomach felt sick, and my mind raced with terror. My brothers were the least of my problems at the moment.
I jumped when an uproarious smack sounded next to me.
“Kane!” I shouted. “Stop!”
“Open the fucking door then. Now!”
I scrambled to my feet, unlocked the door, and pulled it open. My four brothers stood in the hallway staring at me. Dominic was the first to step forward, but I jumped back away from him. Hurt cascaded across his face, but he said nothing. My brothers knew I was upset, but Dominic knew that what happened was killing me inside. He didn’t have to ask me; he just had to look in my eyes. We could always tell what was wrong with the other without asking questions.
“Marco’s gonna kill me,” I said, wiping my face with my hands. “I have to leave before he sends—”
“He’s not gonna touch you,” Ryder cut me off. “I told you that everything was going to be okay, and I meant it.”
I sniffled. “Trent was his nephew, and I killed him. Marco won’t let me get away with that, Ryder.”
I killed a member of our crew, and I knew the punishment for that. I had a debt to pay, a life for a life. Marco wouldn’t care that I was a kid. He had killed people younger than me for far less.
My brother stepped forward and placed his hand on my shoulder. “We’ve taken care of the problem. Y
ou’re safe.”
I looked from Ryder to my other brothers, then back again. “What’d you guys do?”
“We had a meeting with Marco,” Dominic answered. “We made him an offer, and he accepted it. You aren’t in danger.”
I couldn’t comprehend what they were saying, and before I could question them, Ryder pushed me over to my bed and sat me down.
“Ask us questions in a minute,” he said, sitting next to me. “Right now, tell me what happened.”
My mouth went dry. “You know what happened.”
“I know bits and pieces. I want you to tell me exactly what happened.”
I looked down to my feet. “I feel sick about it, Ryder.”
“It was an accident,” Alec stated.
I looked up at him, and said, “But it wasn’t.”
No one spoke.
“I aimed the gun at his chest, and I pulled the trigger because I wanted to kill him for what he said about Mom and Dad. I wanted ... I wanted him to pay for it.”
I looked back down at the floor. My mind kept replaying what happened over and over, but I forced myself not to focus on it. I didn’t want to relive it.
“I wish I hadn’t done it,” I said. “I just got so mad, and my chest hurt when he said Mom and Dad deserved to be dead. I couldn’t think after that.”
I lifted my hands to my face and for a minute or two, complete silence filled the room ... until a sick thought washed over me.
“I’m just like him.”
“Who?” Dominic asked.
I clasped my hands together to stop them from shaking.
“Dad,” I answered. “I always wanted him to love us, to love me, but I knew he was a bad person. I knew he did horrible things, and now so have I. I’m just like him.”
I loved my parents much to my brothers’ resentment. They did not understand how I could love people who didn’t love me back, and neither did I, but I loved them all the same. It shook my entire world when they died, and my brothers knew that.
“No,” Ryder said, turning me to look at him. “No, you aren’t. He did everything he did because he enjoyed it. He was happy. I can see by just looking at you how much you regret what happened, bud. You aren’t like him. You aren’t even close.”
