by Knupp, Amy
That startled her into caution. “Aren’t you supposed to pull back right about now and run off?”
He paused, looked into her eyes. “Huh?”
“Seems to be your way. Any second now you’ll realize...something...and remember this isn’t supposed to happen. We’re not supposed to happen.”
Zach kept his arms around her, still apparently not committed to stopping. “Owen was in the truck waiting the other night.”
“Yeah. But Owen wasn’t born twelve years ago. You know, round one.”
“Out back,” he said, as if there was any uncertainty which incident she could be referring to.
Lindsey didn’t bother to answer.
Zach looked suddenly serious. “What are you saying, exactly?”
“We kiss, you turn me away. What I don’t get is why you keep allowing it to start when you have no interest.”
“No interest?” He laughed. “You really think that’s what happened back then? I had no interest?”
“Seemed like it.” She couldn’t say more—even her cheeks heated at the memory. Closing her eyes, she tried to escape from that raw feeling of rejection that had seared her then and continued to affect her long afterward.
“Making you leave years ago was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.” A low masculine noise came from his throat, a cross between a groan and a growl. “No interest.” He mumbled it to himself like it was a bad joke, shaking his head.
“In my experience, interest usually comes out differently from ‘you have to leave.’”
“You had to leave because if you had stayed for another thirty seconds, I would’ve had a real problem backing off.”
“I thought I made it clear I didn’t want you to back off.” As ill-advised as it had been, it was true. It hadn’t been planned, but she’d felt reckless and carried away.
“Us being together would’ve been a mistake.”
“Obviously.” She pulled back, and he let his hands fall to his sides.
“I wanted nothing more than to be with you that night. To have you come to the shop and practically throw yourself at me...that’s what guys dream of.”
“I didn’t throw myself—”
“You know what I mean. You initiated it.”
That was true enough, even if she was ashamed of it now. She waited for him to continue, but he was silent. Frustratingly so. “It was such a dream you couldn’t handle it, huh?”
“What could I give you, Lindsey? I was eighteen years old with a bad reputation and no future. What good could possibly have come from us being together that night?”
She had no answer. At the time it’d seemed like stopping was a lot worse than the alternative.
“I wasn’t asking for anything.”
“But you deserved more, anyway.” He sat up next to her. “Don’t kid yourself. If word had gotten out—and no, it wouldn’t have been from me—your golden reputation would’ve been shot.”
She stared ahead of her, not seeing anything. Yes, being with Zach would’ve caused a scandal if anyone had found out. But she hadn’t cared at the time.
“Let me get this straight,” she said. “You made me leave for my own good.” She didn’t buy it. As he’d said, he’d been an eighteen-year-old male.
“Forget it. Believe what you want.” He stood.
She didn’t want him to leave.
Maybe he wasn’t lying to her. If he was, wouldn’t he keep arguing? But she’d believed for so many years...
“So, if you were looking out for me back then, what about now?” she asked.
“Now you can stick up for yourself. You can make your own decisions.”
Though there was a hint of condescension in the whole idea that she couldn’t do either back then, she couldn’t help but be touched. She’d always sensed he was different. Better than people thought.
In the span of fifteen minutes, the history between them had taken on a completely different meaning, and Lindsey needed time to let it sink in. Yes, she could make her own decisions, and while the thought of snuggling back into Zach was tempting, she decided to stop while the stopping was...possible.
Besides...her dad was just downstairs. What was she thinking?
She stood next to him. “Thanks for telling me that. And as much as I’d like to have you stay so I can get a bad reputation, I think it’s best if you go.”
He leaned forward and kissed her. She gave in to the temptation, but the longer they kissed, the more aware she was of where they were. She pulled away.
They stared into each other’s eyes for a long beat, and his intensity nearly knocked her backward a step.
She tried to smile, then retreated to the other side of the room. “I can see if my dad’s asleep and let you go out the front door.”
“What fun would that be?”
She grinned and moved toward the window. “Figured you’d say that. Don’t fall off the roof and break your neck.”
Zach lifted the window wide enough to easily fit through and climbed out. Before leaving, he ran his fingers along her jaw, making her shiver. “See you soon.”
As he headed toward the branch, Lindsey shut the window quietly and closed the shade. She didn’t care to witness him falling to his death tonight.
* * *
ZACH HEADED BACK TO the shop. He was too keyed up to go to bed. Besides, he didn’t want to think. Too many feelings to deal with and he didn’t do feelings very well. Not if he had a choice. Working with his hands always helped him forget.
He stared at the sketch he’d made earlier and decided it wasn’t half-bad. He looked through the supply of scrap wood he still had out here, taking inventory. He didn’t have everything he needed to build a hutch but he had enough to get started. He grabbed a couple of one-by-sixes.
Sliding his protective goggles down over his eyes, he turned the electric sander on—his arm was still screaming from the earlier manual sanding—and tried to drown out any thoughts about the silky-haired princess next door. He’d convinced himself he was succeeding when the door swung open and Josh stumbled in.
Zach shut off the sander. His brother made a hunched beeline for the couch and collapsed.
“Skunked again?”
As if there was any question.
Josh lifted his ball cap to try to focus on Zach, then placed it back on his head, low, so it covered his eyes.
His brother was never going to learn. Zach had tried to be patient, tried to give Josh time to figure it out on his own, but he just continued to drink. He walked over to the couch and flicked Josh’s hat with his fingers. Not surprisingly, Josh’s reflexes failed him.
“What?”
“Get off my couch.”
“Since when is it yours?” He slowly sat up and put his hat on right.
“What are we going to do?”
“’Bout what?”
Zach clenched his jaw and looked away. He was done with this game. “Go in the shower and sober up. Then we’re going to talk.”
Josh stood, swayed, then made a great effort not to stumble to the small bathroom. Zach was surprised he went so willingly. Surprised but relieved. He wasn’t up for a fight tonight.
Twenty minutes later, Zach was on the verge of pounding the door down when the water finally shut off. Josh emerged looking slightly steadier and not quite as glazed.
“What’s up, man?” He looked unperturbed as he sat back on the couch.
Zach leaned against the wall and crossed his arms. “You have to stop drinking.”
Josh’s gaze moved downward to the old braided rug. “I know. I was—am. I...” He stared at the floor for several seconds. Ran his hand from his forehead to his chin. “I...don’t think I can.” His voice was so quiet Zach barely heard him.
Zach had come to that conclusion a while back, but still...hearing Josh voice it was a blow. An alcoholic brother. Fatherhood was out of the question until he sobered up. “We need to get you some help.”
Josh stood and paced. “I don’t know...”
“Do you enjoy living like this?”
Josh didn’t look at him, but he didn’t protest, either.
“You could do it, you know. We’ll help.”
Josh looked shaky, as if he might be sick. He lowered himself to the arm of the couch, grasping his thighs for support. Zach sat a couple feet from him.
“Owen’s a great kid, Josh. He deserves stability. Think what he’s been through.”
Sweat appeared on Josh’s skin. Good.
He’d made all the arguments a dozen times, so this time he tried silence.
Josh labored up off the couch and took a few steps. “Okay, I’ll go to a meeting or something. Just give me a few days to get used to the idea.”
“A few days. In the meantime, you’ve got to be home more often. Sober.”
His brother nodded, still looking green. “Gram’s thing...the spells...it just set me off. I didn’t know what to do.”
So he drank.
“You’re not the only one with the problem. We’ll get you help.”
So a neurologist for Gram and an AA meeting for Josh. The next few days were going to be a jolly time.
* * *
LINDSEY’S ABILITY TO concentrate on work had flown out the window with Zach, so she figured she might as well try to sleep. Try being the key word.
Two hours later she still lay there. Her mind churned, her emotions spun like a tornado.
Zach had cared enough years ago to “protect” her...it was overwhelming. Misguided, maybe, but that wasn’t the point.
All these years she’d believed she hadn’t been good enough, but he’d seen it the other way around. The knowledge made her care even more for him. Which, technically, was a bad thing.
She punched her mattress and gritted her teeth. Of all the men in the world, why the one who made her dad relive his grief on sight?
She did care about Zach. Had for years, even though it’d been necessary to deny it. After tonight, she couldn’t lie anymore.
Lovely spot she was in...between the proverbial rock and a hard place. She was torn. She longed to know Zach better, to explore what was between them. He’d awakened such thoughts inside her tonight....
But her dad. He deserved happiness, not to be reminded of the most painful event of his life.
She could spend time with Zach behind her dad’s back, but that would only last for so long. And the joy would be diminished by the guilt she seemed unable to escape.
She was in a no-win situation, period. For the first time, she was no longer sure which side she wanted to fight for.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
ZACH WAS UNACCUSTOMED TO all the approving smiles he was getting from old ladies and young moms alike. He imagined they made quite a domestic picture to anyone who didn’t know better—he and Lindsey sitting together at the fast-food table while Owen and Billy, the six-year-old from the group home, played in the giant jungle gym. No one here, on the outskirts of Topeka, knew a thing about his last name or his history. Just like in Wichita.
He watched Lindsey, on her feet now, coaching the boys above as they crawled through a tube. They wanted to get to the blue slide—not the red one or the yellow one—and couldn’t find the way through the maze.
Lindsey could direct him any day. His gaze stuck to her, her cream-colored slacks hugging her legs and her snug shirt revealing every curve. She was something else, enjoying every second of interaction with the boys. Unlike the mom to their left, who held a paperback and glared any time her children interrupted her reading.
The boys finally found the blue slide, as evidenced by their hundred-decibel hollers going down it. Lindsey made her way back to their table.
She sat next to him without a word, her gaze seeking out the boys again as they raced to one of the ladders to re-enter the tubes. Zach looked more closely at her. Her eyes looked damp.
“Linds?”
She turned to him and smiled. Then she reached for his hand. “Thank you.”
“For?”
“Coming with us today. Bringing Owen.” She’d invited them to a model train show in Topeka, hoping Owen and Billy would hit it off. They had—they’d both had a blast running from one train setup to the next. “I don’t think Billy has ever had so much fun before.”
It was a tear and it was about to fall.
“Lindsey, are you crying?”
She laughed and wiped her eyes. “Sorry. Sappy girl alert. I’m just happy Billy and Owen are getting along. They act like they’ve been best friends since they were born.”
“And you’re crying about it.” Zach smiled and shook his head, sliding his arm around her and dragging her closer to his side. “You’re nuts, you know that?”
“You don’t know how much Billy needed this. The group home is a lot better than living with his mom, but he isn’t making any friends.” She wiped her eyes again and sniffed. “So, thanks.”
“Been a real hardship, spending time with his knockout guardian.”
“Not a guardian. Just trying to be a friend to him.”
“This isn’t official duty?”
She shook her head. “I wanted to get him out and about. Give him something to get his mind off his troubles for a while.”
He studied her for a long moment. “It’s more than a job to you.”
“What do you mean?” Lindsey asked as she picked up her cup for a swig of caffeine.
“Your job. It’s not just a job.”
“If you’re asking whether I care beyond a paycheck, of course. How could I not?”
That much was clear. She was such a better person than he was, and she was thanking him? His reasons for going had been completely selfish, without a thought for the kid who’d recently been removed from his home.
“Uncle Zach!”
He looked up to see Owen and Billy mashing their faces against a window in one of the tubes. Chuckling, he waved.
“So what’s Billy’s story?”
The smile left Lindsey’s face. “His mom needs drug rehab among other things, but she doesn’t seem to think she has a problem. She threatened him, hit him, abused him verbally...it’s amazing he’s still so upbeat and trusting.”
“He doesn’t seem like a troubled kid.”
“That’s one reason I want to find him a permanent family quickly, before he loses his naiveté. It’s a lot harder to get through to them later.”
“How can you be sure a family’s going to be better for a kid?”
“What do you mean?”
“How do you know the adoptive parents aren’t going to be messed up, too?”
She looked at him closely—too closely.
“Most of the time, just having someone with a good heart who cares what happens to the child is a huge improvement,” she said. “But we screen families very carefully. I’d never let any of my kids go to someone I had a bad feeling about.”
Lindsey rested her hand on his arm. She was so much more relaxed with him here, far away from the possibility of having one of her dad’s friends walk in and recognize her—and him. Zach could almost imagine they were a couple with no history between their families. He could almost pretend he actually had a chance with her.
Chance or not, Zach had started to figure out so much more about Lindsey today. He could understand now that she would try every last thing for Owen before taking him from his family, just like she would for all her other cases. He suspected her heart was broken every time she had to resort to such a decision.
He could even understand why
she thought he was a good solution for Owen, although he wouldn’t say that out loud. Even Zach, with all his weaknesses and no experience with kids, was a better answer than living among strangers or being put into a group home.
He had a lot of thinking to do about Owen’s future. A large part of it would depend on whether Josh took their conversation seriously or not. So far it’d been four days and Josh had been home a lot more. Sober, as far as he could tell. Whether he’d been sneaking drinks or not, Zach didn’t know, but he wasn’t being blatant about it. Josh had also been trying to interact with Owen. Zach could tell his brother was genuinely scared of doing the wrong thing for his son. It was enough to keep Zach’s hopes up.
“We should probably go soon,” he said finally.
Lindsey nodded but made no move to get up. Zach didn’t want to budge, either. They watched the boys for several more minutes before she finally stood. Together, they convinced the boys to come down so they could drive home.
Later, Lindsey pulled the Civic into the Rundle driveway. They’d already dropped off Billy, and Owen was sound asleep in his booster. Zach wasn’t ready for the night to end, but with Owen he had no choice. He wasn’t sure Lindsey felt the same, anyway. She’d made him leave the other night when all he’d wanted was to hold her.
Reluctantly, he climbed out.
“I’ll get his booster seat,” Lindsey whispered.
Zach awkwardly lifted Owen and wedged them both through the car door opening that wasn’t made for a six-foot-two man carrying a child. Lindsey picked up Owen’s seat and closed the door softly. She followed Zach to the front porch. He held the key out beneath Owen’s leg, and Lindsey unlocked the door for them. She set the booster just inside, said good night and left, even though Zach was dying to kiss her.
The house was dark and quiet. Gram must be asleep. Josh was either in bed or gone again. Zach didn’t want to guess.
He went straight up to Owen’s bedroom without turning on the light and put the boy on his bed. As he slid Owen’s shoes off, the child stirred.
“Uncle Zach.” His eyes fluttered shut again as he smiled. Zach grinned, too. “Today was my favorite day ever.”
