“I could kiss you a million times for trying,” I told his image.
“Now here’s what I’m seeing,” he continued. “Out of self-protection, you didn’t allow yourself to get close to a lot of people on Earth. Your mother’s illness played a part in that, as did those who had power over you. In addition, you had the unfortunate circumstance of your father walking out on you.”
“He probably did me a favor,” I muttered.
“When you did let yourself get attached, it was to an unavailable clan. Also to that Dramok Nang, who was just as unattainable due to the sexuality of his clanmates.”
“And the fact he’s certifiable.”
Blissfully unaware of my commentary, Feru kept talking. “You continued that trend with Imdiko Betra and Nobek Oses.”
A light went off in my head. “Are you saying I’m subconsciously getting involved with men I can’t have? That I’m rejecting Clan Seot because I can have them? Was Katrina right? Am I that screwy? Why would I do shit like that?” I realized I had to rewind Feru’s dialogue because I’d run my big mouth right over it. “Shut up and listen, Shalia.”
I started Feru’s diagnosis back up. “So you make it to Kalquor at last, and you have two clans you’ve pinpointed as likely mates. Now this first clan you told me about, Clan Aslada, has done great things for you. They helped your mother, doted on Anrel, met every need.”
“Thanks for the guilt trip,” I said, forgetting for a moment that I needed to keep my trap closed since Feru couldn’t respond to my comments.
“Yet they had to return to their work, which for them, seems to entail long hours. You were left alone so much that you were essentially abandoned, though I doubt that was their intent. Then, to top it all off, your mother chose to go to Galactic Council space rather than stay close to you.”
I caught a glimmer of something indefinable as I had before, something that I could almost recognize. I didn’t have to search for it though. Feru told me what I was fighting.
“So to recap: at an early age, your father abandoned you. That’s a huge betrayal for a child, Shalia. It set you up for a lifetime of distrust. You subconsciously worried about others who might have gotten close enough to you. You knew they might abandon you as well. And it’s happening all over again, isn’t it? A sort of abandonment by Clan Aslada, who have extraordinarily full schedules, schedules difficult to balance in your favor. And then the biggest abandonment of them all: your mother. Not that I’m saying she was wrong to leave. She does have a lot to work through before she can attempt to mend her relationship with you. But it feels like abandonment all the same.” He smiled at me, probably to take the sting out of any rebuke he thought I might think he was offering. “You want a relationship with Clan Seot so badly that you keep pulling them close, only to push them away when they take that invitation. I think you’re afraid of being deserted by those you want to love. It sounds like you’re subconsciously trying to leave first to save yourself the pain of being forsaken yet again.”
I paused his message at that moment. I could barely breathe. He was right. I was sure he had deciphered the mystery.
My own common sense had been trying to point that out to me for the last few weeks. Hadn’t I felt sure I was on the brink of figuring it out before? Every time I thought about Mom, how she’d left because she’d needed to sort herself out before she and I could work on our relationship…exactly what I was doing to Clan Seot…I’d almost seen what my problem was. I’d been walked out on again. Mom had left me. Right or wrong, she’d left me, just as my father had.
My first two relationships, the ones with my parents, had been utter failures. Now some sad, pathetic piece of me thought that it would be the same with Clan Seot, because they meant so much.
“Fuck,” I breathed. “What a mess.”
I switched Feru back on. “If you think I’m wrong about this, then com me back. We’ll figure this out. But if you think I’m right, you have some work to do. Unfortunately, only time with your intended clan will fully absolve your fears of abandonment. I recommend in any case that you find a therapist to help you deal with emotions you probably didn’t realize you had.”
His look turned grave. “I can’t stress that enough. If I’m correct, you’ll have similar problems of commitment with any clan you consider joining. And yes, there will be mourning and anger to work through if this is the challenge you’re facing. It won’t be an easy ride. I also recommend you sit down with Clan Seot and tell them everything I’ve told you. Play my message for them if you think it will help.
“Good luck, Shalia. I hope you can make things work, because you sound sure of this clan. Give Anrel a big hug from me.” Feru laughed. “When she’s not covered in food, that is. Goodness, she’s growing fast!”
I was set to com Clan Seot right away when my door announce went off. I considered ignoring it, because I was so excited to finally have things clear. I’m glad I answered instead.
Katrina stood there, looking uncomfortable. “I’m sorry,” was the first thing out of her mouth.
“Me too,” I said. “Get in here. Anrel wants her grammy.”
Before Katrina greeted my little girl, playing on her blanket in the middle of the floor, she grabbed me in a hug. “I apologize from the bottom of my heart, Shalia. My only excuse is that I miss my clan so much. I was wrong to judge you harshly.”
“Stop,” I begged her. “I know I have more drama than anyone wants to hear. I make a mess out of everything, and then I expect you all to listen to me complain.”
Katrina laughed as she drew back. She wiped at her eyes. “We all have moments like that. And most of your drama is none of your fault.”
She came in and picked up Anrel, who had been yelling for her attention the moment Katrina had appeared. “Yes, little princess, I hear you demanding to be the center of the universe. I know who the real drama queen is around here!”
I was beyond happy to have my friend back. “Are you okay, Katrina? Nothing bad happened, did it?”
“My conscience won out over my pride is all.” Her smile was embarrassed. “You’ve been dealing with a crisis, and I wasn’t a friend to you. Just say you’ll forgive me for thinking I know it all.”
“No, you had a point about me running away. You were more right than you know.” It was my turn to feel humiliated.
“Why do you say that?”
I waved her off. “No, there’s been enough of my upheavals. I heard from Feru, and he shined the light on my inner uglies, exposing them so they can’t hide anymore.”
“I want to know. Tell me. I promise not to be a self-absorbed bitch this time.” Katrina sat down on my lounger with an expression that said she wasn’t budging until I launched into another round of True Confessions.
“You are not a self-absorbed bitch,” I countered. “If our friendship can’t withstand a bump in the road here and there, then we’ve never been friends.”
“Fine. I’m a shining goddess of exceptional wit and beauty then.” Katrina rolled her eyes. “Tell me what Feru said.”
“I’ll do better. I’ll play you his message.”
I did so, and Katrina listened, nodding her head from time to time. When the message ended, she told me, “I can see it. It makes all the sense in the world.”
“I hate that I was blind to what was going on,” I sighed.
“Most of us need an objective opinion from time to time. I don’t know of anyone who hasn’t acted against their own self-interests at some point. Often, they didn’t even realize they were doing it. At least you had that going for you; you knew something was wrong and took steps to find out what it was.”
“Now I have a clan to join,” I said. My stomach got that twisty feeling at my words, but I mentally gave it the finger. Knowing what was setting me off was indeed half the battle. “They should be back tomorrow. Should I do it in person then or com them now?”
“Hold up, missy,” Katrina said in a mock-severe tone. “You haven’t even started
on the root problem. Maybe you should find that therapist Feru wants you to get before making everything official.”
“But I can fight what’s bothering me now that I understand it!”
“And fight with your clan too?” Katrina shook her head. “Uh-uh. You owe it to those guys to share Feru’s findings first. Then you can make the decision together on whether or not to make it official. Speaking of making it official, have you canned Clan Aslada yet?”
“Um. I was going to wait until I was clanned.”
“Shalia.” The disapproval was real this time.
“What? I’m going to do it!”
“You’re keeping them in reserve,” Katrina said. “In case something goes wrong. In case Seot and company abandon you, as you fear?”
“That’s ridiculous,” I spluttered, but at the same time, I wondered. “It’s going to be awkward as hell to tell them I won’t be honoring my promise to give them another chance.”
“It needs to be done. There are hundreds of Mataras here and more coming. Women who those boys might be Prince Charmings to. Cut them loose, and let me foist off some lucky damsel on them.” She stood and gave me a wink. “Meanwhile, I’ll com my contacts and see if any of the therapists around here are specializing in Earthers with romantic issues.”
“Fine. Whatever. And Katrina?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks.” I hugged her before taking Anrel away.
It’s getting late as I write this. Despite telling Katrina I would let Clan Aslada off the hook, I still haven’t made that com. I just can’t face it yet. I need time to process my revelation, and then I’ll do it. Tomorrow. I promise.
December 30
It was mid-morning when Joelle, Candy, and Stidmun showed up at my door. So the cruise is done. Clan Seot is home. My insides jitter just thinking how near they are.
I hugged and was hugged by the trio…yes, even Stidmun deigned to give me a quick embrace. “You all look so relaxed,” I told them. “No doubt I missed the best part of the cruise.”
“Actually, you didn’t,” Candy sighed, flopping down on the floor next to Anrel and getting her hair pulled by my joyously shrieking tot. “We missed you and your mommy, pretty baby. It wasn’t the same without you two.”
“Probably a lot less stressful,” I snorted. “I’m sorry if I wrecked it for everyone.”
“No, not really,” Joelle said, sitting on the floor as well so she could pick Anrel up. “But after you left, we couldn’t seem to – how did you put it, Candy?”
“Get our party on,” Stidmun supplied. The sober way he said it cracked us up.
“Sooo,” Candy drawled. “Did you get the revelation you were hoping for? Are you going to go through with joining Seot’s clan?”
“I am,” I said. I chuckled to see them all exchange looks of relief. “But I haven’t talked to them in several days. How are they?”
“Quiet,” Joelle supplied. “Cifa barely spoke for the rest of the trip. Of course, that might have been because Erom kept after him about screwing things up with you. Ila finally tossed that mouthy Dramok off the ship and into the sea.”
Candy snickered. “She wouldn’t let Erom back on board either until he promised to shut up. I think she would have let him drown, she was so pissed off.”
Stidmun was chuckling along with Candy. “He needs to learn when he’s gone too far. He was smart enough to heed the lesson until we got back, at least.”
I squirmed, not liking that I’d made Cifa and the rest feel so bad. “Feru wants me to get counseling. Katrina thinks I should hold off clanning until I’ve seen a therapist.”
Candy sat up. “You talked to Feru?”
I shared his wisdom with them. To my amusement, it was Stidmun who offered his opinion before Candy and Joelle.
“Number one: you must speak with Clan Aslada. Let them know you are done with them. Do not delay another day. It’s not fair to do otherwise. Number two: join Seot’s clan. This matter of healing will require being with the men who hold you above all else. Also, they will see to it you are taken care of. That will leave only one last thing.”
“Which is?” I asked when he paused, amused to be given relationship advice by an unclanned Nobek.
“Be happy.”
He made it sound so simple. And it should be. I know that.
After they left and I gave Anrel her lunch and put her down for a nap, I decided to take the first step of Stidmun’s advice. It had been Katrina’s counsel as well. With everyone in agreement, the time had come to face my responsibilities.
I was trembling when Aslada answered the call. I’d almost made it voice-only, but that was the coward’s way out. I needed to face up to this, to handle it like the adult I supposedly am.
The Dramok’s handsome face split wide with his smile. “Shalia! What a delight to see you. As well as to finally get to thank you for your thoughtful Christmas gifts.”
“They weren’t much,” I said. “I hope you all liked them. Are you still at work? Isn’t it getting late there?”
He rolled his eyes. “Unfortunately. The territorial council called an extended session to debate some unpopular legislation, the kind that makes or breaks political careers. You caught me during a break between arguments.”
Great. I’d commed at the worst possible time – Aslada was dealing with an atmosphere of tension, and Meyso and Jaon weren’t with him. “But I thought I commed the home frequency. I guess I’m being scatterbrained.”
“Not at all. With Jaon and Meyso out of the area, I programmed the home com to alert my portable.”
Jaon must have been on an assignment. “Meyso’s not home?”
“He’s at a week-long conference on the other side of the continent. Why?” Aslada’s eyes brightened. “Is this a com we should all be present for?”
“Well, yeah. That’s what I’d intended. If you’ll let me know when it’s a good time to catch you all—”
“No, no! You can tell me everything. Any news you have, I will be too happy to pass along. Did your cruise with the other clan go all right? I thought perhaps things weren’t going quite as you’d hoped, seeing as how you contacted us while you were with them.”
Shit. Aslada thought I’d given Clan Seot the boot. Maybe he even thought I had commed to say it was his clan I wanted to be with. My stomach lurched.
“I wanted to talk to you about our plans for me to return. It’s still a few weeks away—”
“You are welcome to come back any time you wish,” Aslada said, beaming from ear to ear. “No need to wait.”
Prophets, help me. He wasn’t going to make this easy at all. “Um, about that. It turns out, I won’t be coming back after all. You see, things went really well with Clan Seot. Well enough that I’ve decided to join their clan.”
Okay, so I was muddying up the truth quite a bit. Things had gone far from well, but only because I’d fallen in love and my idiot psyche couldn’t handle it. But none of that mattered as far as Aslada was concerned. Larten had it right. Our clan’s business was not that of any of my former lovers’.
For a heartbreaking moment, Aslada’s smile remained, expectant of the news he wanted. Then it stiffened and froze as the truth sank in. Slowly it faded to be replaced by disbelief…and then disappointment.
“I see,” he said quietly. “Well. You’re a sensible woman, so there must have been something they could offer that we couldn’t.”
“You offer a great deal,” I said. “And I can’t begin to express the gratitude I feel for everything you’ve done. Meyso helped my mother. You all helped me as I coped with her problems. Honestly, I don’t know how I would have gotten through all that without you, Meyso, and Jaon. You have no idea how much I wanted to repay you by joining your clan.”
Aslada managed a gentle smile. “I would have counted myself too fortunate to have made you my Matara, Shalia. And Anrel my daughter. I know my clanmates feel the same. But mere gratitude does not a solid relationship make. Thank you for fal
ling on the side of honesty and not misplaced appreciation.”
I was crying. “I’m sorry, Aslada. I really am. I care about you and the others. But I love Clan Seot.”
“Then give them my congratulations. They are more fortunate than they can comprehend. Be well, Shalia. My best wishes for your happy future.”
He closed the frequency. I sat and cried. I had considered him, Meyso, and Jaon as more than friends. They’d been my lovers. My strength during one of the hardest times of my existence. They had been more than good enough to live the rest of my life with.
But Seot, Cifa, and Larten had grabbed my heart and soul, probably from the moment I’d first laid eyes on them. As much as it hurt to close the door on Clan Aslada, my place was not with them.
Shalia's Diary Book 10 Page 22
