by Carol Roi
"Oh, Lobo, baby, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry." He felt her fingertips wiping away his tears. "I'm so sorry." She hugged him tightly, fiercely, for a long moment, then let go and leaned back against the wall again.
He swallowed past the huge lump in his throat. "Sorry? Why are you sorry?"
She shrugged. "I…those memories are really painful. I'm sure your mom is a really wonderful mother, I mean look at you." She gave him a tender smile. "But she hurt me very deeply, and I'm not sure I could ever forgive her, and goddess knows I'm not going to ask for an apology now."
Blair ran a hand over his face. "Tell me. How did she hurt you that you're still affected by it twenty-five years later?"
Dee shook her head. "I'm not sure you really want to know."
"Tell me," he replied firmly.
She took a deep breath, and Blair suddenly had the feeling that whatever she was about to say could change everything between them, forever. When she finally spoke her tone was weary, as if she were reliving the long ago emotions.
"After World War II, I settled in Australia, lived for a time in Sydney, then moved to the Outback, to be away from everyone. I was hurting, and disillusioned, and I just couldn't take dealing with the everyday cruelty of people, mortal and immortal alike. So I bought some land, and built a ranch where I could enjoy the quiet and the company of my dogs and my Arabians. I lived there, undisturbed, for nearly twenty years.
"Then one cold, rainy winter day, I drove into the nearest town for supplies, and as I was leaving, I saw a woman standing under an awning outside a bar, a child in her arms, holding out her thumb for a lift. They both were wet, and probably damn near frozen, and that coupled with the fact that after 20 years by myself I was getting bored, made me stop and pick them up. The woman's boyfriend had stranded them there with no money, and before I knew it, I was offering your mother, Naomi Starchild, a job and room and board."
Blair chewed his thumb, nodding at the memory. "And then Naomi got sick."
"Yes. She came down with pneumonia, and nearly died." She held up her hands, gazing at them sadly. "For all my healing talent, I can't do a damn thing with disease, or poison for that matter."
Patting her leg reassuringly, he said, "You took good care of her, Dee. She survived."
She laughed lightly. "Survived to come back to haunt me. Where was I? Ah, I can see in your eyes you remember what she made me promise when she thought she was going to die."
"She made you promise to take care of me if she didn't make it, to raise me as your son." Feeling tears stinging his eyes again, Blair blinked them back.
"Fortunately for all of us, that didn't happen, though I took her request very seriously. I would have done as she asked, though I can't guarantee you would have turned out as well as you did. Most of my tries at parenting have ended in failure."
Blair nodded, remembering her surrogate daughter Eolia, who he had met in December. She certainly had her share of problems, though he didn't think any of those could be blamed on Diandra's treatment of the other Immortal. "So Mom lived, and we stayed with you almost another year. That still doesn't answer my earlier question, how did she hurt you?"
Dee took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. "It's my own fault, really. I moved to the Outback to get away from people, to protect myself from being hurt. The trouble is, when I let you and Naomi into my home, into my life, I started to care again. And when you start to care, that gives the other person the advantage. You give them the power to hurt you.
"I've always been honest with you, Lobo, so I'm not going to try to find a way to soften what I'm going to say to you. I don't know if I could. I was so closed up, so shuttered, and Naomi was a riot of color and laughter and spirit. I fell in love with her, more of a crush really, but I never told her. She considered me her friend, and that was enough, or so I thought."
Blair closed his eyes and dug his fingers into his loose hair. He didn't think he wanted to hear this. In spite of his misgivings, he said, "Go on."
"When your grandmother became ill, and Naomi wanted to go back to the States, I was heartbroken. You and she were my family, and I hadn't had a family in such a long time. I pleaded with her not to leave, I even told her it would be bad for you to be uprooted again, when you were so happy there. But in the end, I gave in. Your grandmother was blood, and she was dying and had never seen her grandson. And I could tell Naomi needed to make things right with her mother. So I let you go. I pasted a smile on my face and drove you to the airport, and believed her promises of letters and phone calls and that she would come back. I had this stupid little fantasy of the two of you coming back, and that I would tell her how I felt, and she would say she felt the same way too, and we could be happy, we could be the way we were, only better."
Swiping irritatedly at the tears running down her face, she continued. "That moment I put you on the plane…I can see it so clearly. I picked you up and you hugged me so tight around the neck I thought you were going to strangle me. And I pressed my face in your wild blond curls and kissed you and told you I loved you. And you made me promise to look after Bo and Nej, and that you would write me lots and lots of letters. Then I hugged Naomi, made her promise to write, to telegram, anything, to let me know you arrived safely, and when the two of you were coming back. Then she carried you out to the plane, and you waved to me over her shoulder the whole way. That was the last I ever heard or saw of Naomi and Bear Starchild.
"I was nearly 2,800 years old, Blair and I was so incredibly stupid and naïve. I fucking believed her." She clasped her hand over her mouth then, trying to hold back the sobs.
Blair didn't know what to do. God, her pain was radiating off her in waves, drowning him. He finally scooted over next to her, wrapping his arms around her. She buried her face in his neck, and he could feel her hot tears burning his skin. At that moment, for one of the few times in his life, Blair genuinely hated his mother.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sighing again, Blair kicked at the linoleum floor of the hospital as he waited for Jim to return to his room from his knee surgery. God, I can't believe I was so stupid! After Dee had poured out the story of her twenty-five year old heartbreak, he had sat with her, holding her, comforting her, letting her cry. And when she was finished, she'd sent him away.
"Blair, I'm sorry. I know this whole thing is as big a shock to you as it is to me. I just think we need some space to think this through, to deal with this on our own before coming back together." She pushed her hair out of her face, and gave him a reassuring smile.
It didn't work. He was suddenly very scared that it was over, that she was trying to politely say that a relationship with a man she had once known as a child, a boy she had bathed, and rocked, and read to, and tucked into bed, freaked her out. "That was twenty-five years ago, Dee. I'm not a little boy any more. You know that."
She nodded, then looked away. "Yeah, my head knows that. My heart's kind of stuck in the past right now. I'm sorry, Blair, really, I…I love you, you know that, I really do, it's just, right now that feels wrong for some reason."
Wrong. It couldn't be wrong. Nothing in his life had ever felt so right, so beautiful, so special. "Dee, no, I love you. I don't have a problem with this. A problem with Naomi at the moment, but never with you, never with us. Please…" He reached out to her, needing to touch her, to reassure her, and himself. She moved slightly, just enough that his hand fell short of her shoulder.
"Please, Blair, don't make this any harder than it has to be. I know I'm hurting you, and goddess, I wish I wasn't. But I need some time, time to think, time to remember, to put all these memories behind me again. I know you want to be with me tonight, but I need to be alone. Can you understand that?"
No, he couldn't. It would never be right, not if they were apart. But he nodded his head, and said, "Yeah, I can understand that Dee. I'll give you all the time you need." What else could he do? He got to his feet slowly, hi
s heart breaking, his soul screaming that walking away was the worst thing he could do. But he forced himself to do it, to walk across the floor, out the door, and into 307, where he flung himself across his bed and spent the night staring at the ceiling, trying to come up with a plan, any kind of plan, to let her know it wasn't over, that he wasn't going to let a love like theirs end.
He'd woke up that morning determined. He'd gone across the hall, bearing croissants and fresh-brewed coffee, and found her gone. At least she'd left a note. Blair closed his fingers around the crumpled piece of paper in his pocket and withdrew it, rereading the words he'd already memorized.
Blair,
I'm sorry. I know this is the cowardly way to do this, but right now that's what I am. I just feel like everything is closing in on me here. I've felt really unsettled for the last week, I don't know why. It's nothing to do with you, I promise, but meeting Naomi again last night was my breaking point. I'm going to Washington DC to help out Dana and Mulder. Maybe if I bury myself in something so completely removed from our problems, I can get my focus back. I promise I'll be back, I'm just not sure when.
I do love you, even though it must not feel like it to you right now. I'm so sorry.
Dee
Blair swallowed with difficulty, and looked up at the tiles in the ceiling, blinking back the tears that had wanted to fall all morning.
"Hey, Chief, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be on your way to DC this morning," Jim asked as he was pushed back into his room by the orderly, his knee heavily bandaged and braced.
"So did I. Hey, Megan," Blair said as the companion followed Jim into the room. He waited until Jim was settled in the bed and Megan had taken a seat in the other chair before continuing. "Dee went without me."
"What? Sandy, why? What happened?"
Blair shook his head. This was harder than he thought it would be. He didn't like the thought of talking about his and Dee's personal problems in front of Jim and Megan, even though they were friends, but he didn't know what else to do. He was out of ideas. "Jim, do you remember me telling you about Andrea Price a couple years ago?"
Jim looked puzzled for a moment then said, "Wasn't she that Australian woman who took you and Naomi in when you were four or five and Naomi's boyfriend had left you stranded in the Outback? I remember you were really upset when you learned she died."
"Australian? Wait a minute, you never told me you'd been to Australia!" Megan said.
"It's a long story, and I was really little at the time. What's important is not where, but who."
"Okay, Chief, you lost me. What does Andrea Price have to do with Diandra going to DC without you?"
He stared at his hands for a long moment before replying. "After the…incident last night, Dee took my car and went back to the loft. I got a ride home with my mom. Naomi was still there when Dee came over looking for some tea. There was a really awkward moment, and then Mom left. I asked Dee what that was all about, and she told me that she knew Naomi twenty-five years ago, when she had been going by the name of Andrea Price."
"Oh, Sandy, that must have been a shock!"
Blair pushed his hair behind his ears nervously. "You have no idea. Anyway, to make a long story short, Dee told me she needed some time by herself, to think things over, you know? Only this morning, when I went over to see her, she was gone. She left me a note saying she was going to DC, that she felt like everything was closing in on her, me included." He got to his feet and crossed the room to stare out the window.
There was a moment of silence, then he felt Megan's arm going around him in a reassuring hug. "I'm so sorry. This really has not been your week, has it?" He shook his head, and felt her embrace tighten. "You have to go after her, Sandy. She shouldn't be alone right now, not if she's as upset as you say she is."
"She made it really clear she didn't want me along. She said it doesn't have anything to do with me, but I think she was just trying not to hurt me any more than she already had. I mean, all of a sudden there's all this baggage attached to me, and then there's Naomi. She didn't really recognize Dee, but she'll probably remember, and when she does…Let's just say what she did to Dee back then wasn't very nice. And I don't know if I can deal with the fallout from that." He brushed his hands angrily over his eyes. "You know, when the shit with my diss happened, when I thought I was gonna lose your friendship, Jim, as well as what I'd worked for all my life, I thought that was the end of the world. But we made it through that, I think, just fine. I just didn't expect the end of the world to come up again so soon." He turned back around to face his friends, his expression incredibly sad and lost.
"Look, Blair, forget about Naomi, forget about what's in the past. Do you love Dee?"
The guide stared at his sentinel. "Of course I do, Jim. You know that better than anyone."
"Then Connor's right. You have to go after her. You have to fix this, and you can't do it while she's there and you're here." Reaching for the phone, Jim began to dial.
"Jim, what are you doing? Who are you calling?"
"The airline. You're going to be on the first flight to Washington I can get you on." Ellison gave Blair a grin. "Don't you worry about a thing. I'll make sure you get there, you just concentrate on what you're going to say to her. Go home and pack. I'll call you on your cell and let you know what flight you're on."
"Thanks, Jim," Blair managed to get out as Megan shoved him into the hallway.
She re-entered the room, waiting until Jim was off the phone before she spoke. "That was a very generous thing to do, Jimbo, feeling the way you do about Diandra."
Ellison shrugged. "I'll admit we will never see eye to eye, especially about Blair, but I do know she loves him, and vice versa. And after what I've put him through these past few days, he deserves all the happiness in the world, not the heartbreak I saw in his eyes."
Walking over to the side of the bed, Megan leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "You may have the rest of the world fooled, Jim Ellison, but I've got you pegged now. Underneath that crusty exterior is a big old teddy bear who still believes in true love."
He squirmed uncomfortably. "Yeah, well, don't go spreading that around the station."
Megan laughed. "Who would ever believe me?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blair paused at the bottom of the steps, gazing up at the brownstone, feeling his stomach twist and knot. It was 2 AM in the morning, and he was freezing cold and soaking wet. He'd spent most of the cash he'd had on him at the florist shop at the airport, and taken the Metro to Georgetown, figuring he could hoof it the rest of the way to Dee's place. Of course, it hadn't been raining at the airport, and he hadn't realized the Metro stop was five blocks from her street. Hadn't helped that he'd gotten turned around when he got off the train and walked three blocks in the wrong direction before he realized what had happened.
A soft sigh escaped his lips, and he watched the condensation from his breath hang in the cold air. Hitching his backpack higher on his shoulder, he headed up the steps then hesitated in front of the door. He glanced down at the soggy flowers still clutched in his left hand. Man, he was pitiful. And this was a stupid idea. What if she wasn't there? What if he'd come all this way, and she turned him away? He didn't think he could bear that...Come on, Sandburg, she loves you. You know that. Still, he was scared. The only thing that had ever terrified him more had been his press conference three days ago, and the realization that he might have been sacrificing it all for nothing if Jim hadn't chosen to forgive him.
He took a deep breath. Okay, this was it, he was going to ring the bell. Raising his hand, he poised it over the button, giving himself one last chance to chicken out. His finger hesitated for only a millisecond before depressing the buzzer. That done, he took a step back, gazing up at the windows, feeling a jolt of anticipation as he saw a light go on on the second floor. The horrifying thought suddenly struck him that he might have the wrong house
. He was struggling with his urge to dive into the bushes and hide when the door opened.
She was a goddess, an angel fallen to earth in a "Save the Whales" t-shirt and a pair of his plaid boxers, her long dark hair loose over her shoulders, her blue eyes shining in the dim glow from the street lamp. For a moment he could see nothing but her, hear nothing but the rasp of his own breathing and the steady drip of rain from the ends of his wet hair onto his leather jacket. Then her hand was grasping his, incredibly warm against his frozen fingers, pulling him inside the house, into the safety of her arms. The flowers and his backpack dropped to the floor unnoticed as he returned her embrace, feeling the warm moisture of her tears on his cheek.
