Would Mattie call him? Or was she done with him once and for all? He had no one to blame but himself for his predicament with her and he knew it.
No one.
CHAPTER 6
January 27
Mattie made a point of having lunch with Sage at Spooner’s Diner whenever she came into town to get supplies. Her hands were damp with nerves as she sat down in a brown, leather corner booth near the kitchen. It was always a treat to meet Sage—they were best friends forever. They had been incredibly close since childhood. Once a week, they came here for lunch and to catch up with one another’s lives. Today, Mattie had some serious questions for Sage.
Sage had black hair with blue highlights, light gold-brown eyes, and was wearing typical ranch clothing. She always carried herself with pride, her shoulders squared beneath the sheepskin jacket she wore. Sage’s foreman, an ex-Army Delta Force soldier, Jason Collier, had dropped her off and driven over to the feed store while she ate lunch with Mattie. Spotting Mattie, she raised her hand in hello and smiled warmly.
Sage removed her weathered, black Stetson and threaded her way through the many customers inside the popular diner. Many of them knew her, said hello and passed some pleasantries with her as she made her way to the corner booth. Sage, although very social, kept walls around herself like her brother. To anyone who didn’t know the horrifying childhood that she’d survived, thanks to Mark, a person would find her kind and thoughtful. Mattie knew some of that was a “game face,” as Mark called it. Inwardly, she was a lot more private and did not make many friends. Mattie was her only real friend in Van Horn.
It had been that way for a long time. Growing up, Sage hadn’t known from one morning to the next if she’d wake up to see the sun rise. Jeb had made his children’s lives an unending hell. They were like two frightened animals, terrified, always alert, and waiting for Jeb to disrupt their day—or night. It was no way for a child to live.
“Hi,” Sage said, sliding into the booth, across the table from Mattie. She dropped her Stetson and purse next to her on the seat. “How are you doing?”
Mattie raised a brow. “I’m not sure, Sage. That’s why I wanted to meet you here.”
Sage smiled a little. “Let me guess,” she said, taking the menu from the waitress. They both ordered coffee and after the woman left, she asked, “Mark?”
Nodding, Mattie quickly told Sage what had happened on December 24, when Mark had dropped in for an unexpected visit.
The waitress came back with their mugs of coffee, took their orders, and left.
“Have you seen or talked to Mark since he got back to Van Horn?” Mattie asked.
“Just yesterday. I knew he was in town because I heard gossip about it in the grocery store the other day. He’s working for your dad now. Did you know that?”
Mattie nodded. “Yes, Mom called me two days ago and let me know Mark had been hired to replace Pepe.”
“So you have a lot suddenly on your plate once again,” Sage said.
“Yes.”
“Are you scared, Mattie? Because you look like it.”
“You always read me so well,” she admitted. “I’m scared to hope again with Mark. He’s left me twice. I can’t handle it a third time.”
Sage gave her a sympathetic look, sipping her coffee. “Yeah, I know that one. Because of my past, I’m afraid to reach out and love someone, too. I don’t trust men, pure and simple. I want to, but Jeb’s face seems to appear on every man who wants to get close to me. I thought as I grew older that I’d get over it, but I haven’t.”
“Jeb wounded both you and Mark so deeply,” Mattie agreed softly.
“Which is why dealing with us,” Sage went on, more matter-of-factly, “is a crap shoot at best. We’re not a good bet for any kind of ongoing relationship. I’ve left a string of broken hearts behind me since high school.”
Mattie nodded. She felt so badly for her friend.
“But at least Mark is close to you—he’s always been that way. You two share something so rare, I really don’t think I’ll ever see it again in my lifetime.”
“But even something that strong can be broken, Sage.”
“Mark loves you and you know that. He fell for you in the first grade, Mattie. I know my big brother can be a royal pain in the ass and he doesn’t always make the best decisions, but his heart has always been yours and that’s never changed.” She held up her hands. “I know what you’re going to say, that too much time has passed and that Mark’s made too many bad decisions that involved you. I get it, I really do. But he’s not a mean person by nature, Mattie. He’s a screwed up kid emotionally, and he’s still trying to figure himself out at twenty-nine years old. Jeb did so much damage to him. The only thing Jeb couldn’t do was destroy his feelings for you.”
Mattie sat back, studying her friend. “Is that what Mark told you?”
Sage gave an abrupt laugh. “Hell, no! He’s got so much he’s hiding in the darkness, he never gives me a glimpse of it.”
“Did you know he was close to killing Jeb?”
“He never confided it to me, but I could feel it around him, Mattie. I could see the hatred in Mark’s eyes. I could literally feel him wanting to kill the no-good bastard.”
“Did you ever want to?”
“No. He wasn’t worth the consequences. Thanks to Mark, I was shielded enough to get through it. And when he had his stroke and became wheelchair bound, I felt freed forever. He could no longer hurt me. He couldn’t stalk me, wait for me in some dark corner, and then try to rape me. Putting him in that small house a half mile away from our main ranch house gave me the room I needed away from Jeb, to feel free of his threat. For Mark, it was different. He was the one who took the brunt of his beatings, not me.”
“Yes, and you beat an animal or human long enough, one day they’ll turn on you,” Mattie added quietly.
“I knew Mark was reaching that point. I could feel it. But he never gave it words, Mattie. At least he has to you. He’s finally given it voice, and for that, I’m grateful. I’ve found that sometimes just talking about the pain releases a little more of it from inside me.” She smiled warmly, reaching over and touching Mattie’s hand wrapped around her coffee mug. “You have been the most wonderful friend to me. You let me talk. You never interrupt me. And I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, but I’m so grateful you’re such a positive light in my life. If I didn’t have you to listen to me, I’m sure I wouldn’t be where I am today. I’d still be stuck in my dark world, like Mark.”
“That’s his biggest problem, Sage. He won’t talk about the deep, scary stuff. I thought maybe he was confiding in you.”
Snorting, Sage said, “Mark has pushed down so much ugliness inside him, it’s a wonder he didn’t explode.”
“Men are taught not to admit they have emotions, much less feel them or speak to someone else about them.”
“True, and Mark’s taken that to heart.”
“I don’t know what to do, Sage. I feel trapped.”
“Because Mark wants to become a part of your life again?”
“I’m not sure yet, but he did indicate he wants something … some kind of connection with me again. He wasn’t specific and I was afraid to ask.”
Sage saw the waitress coming back with their hamburgers and French fries. “Here’s our food,” she said. “Let’s talk after we’ve eaten.”
Mattie nodded. In no time, they were enjoying the food and one another’s company. After they had finished eating, Sage asked, “Why can’t you start at the beginning and learn to be friends once more?”
“Because I sense Mark wants more—he didn’t say that, exactly, and even if he had, I don’t know if I have the courage to give him my heart again.”
Nodding, she picked up a stray French fry. “Mark needs to learn how to honestly and fully open up and talk with you, Mattie. That’s what is really needed here between both of you. You need to open up to him, too, Mattie.”
“It sure would h
elp a lot,” she agreed, “but I’m such a coward, Sage. I’m afraid if I be honest with how I feel about him, it will scare him and he’ll go away again.” Picking up the ketchup bottle, she squeezed it across her pile of fries. “It would sure save me and him second guessing all the time if I was more forthcoming.”
“So why not start there? Set the agenda. Tell him what you expect. If he doesn’t produce it, you won’t sacrifice your sanity again. He needs to be brought up short. But in all fairness, he’s not a mind reader, Mattie. If he doesn’t know what’s important to you, you need to thread that needle with him. Otherwise, you’re both bound to fail.”
*
February 1, Friday
The winter day was cold and windy as Mark rode his sorrel gelding, Tank, into the barn. It was nearly four p.m., and he’d finished his work for the week. Dismounting, he led Tank into the partially opened doors of the barn, taking him to the crossties in the passageway to unsaddle and brush him down.
The Lockwood family had invited him to have dinner with them at six tonight and he was looking forward to it. Would Mattie be present? It chafed at him, if he allowed it, that she hadn’t called since their initial meeting. Un-cinching the saddle, he pulled it up and off the horse, taking it to the nearby tack room. The barn was relatively quiet, the horses having just been fed for the evening by another wrangler whose duty it was to care for them. The munching sounds, the soft snorts of the horses, soothed some of his anxiety.
While he loved Mattie, he had no idea how to go about fixing what he’d broken between them. It was on his list to call Sage and meet her off ranch property, maybe have lunch with her in town, or go to breakfast at Spooner’s Diner. Tomorrow was Saturday and everyone had the day off at the Rocking L. And on Sundays, the Lockwood family always went to church and then had a late-afternoon dinner together.
This was the first invitation by Mattie’s family to have him join them for dinner. He saw Cat and Jake, her brother and sister, all the time because they both worked on the ranch, too. They often toiled together on some major project that required two or three people. But since their last meeting, he’d never seen Mattie drive out to the ranch.
Cat had told him that during the week, Mattie didn’t usually visit because of her teaching duties, but that sometimes, she’d join them for Friday-night dinner. However, she always joined them for family dinner on Sunday afternoons, without fail.
Mark wasn’t about to ask to take part in the Lockwood Sunday dinner without an invite, even though he knew he was considered part of the family. He knew that he still had a lot to prove to Hank first. Knowing the rancher was concerned that he might up and leave without warning, Mark was desperate to show the rancher he was reliable.
“Hey, Mark …”
Mattie’s voice drifted down the aisle as he lifted the thick, heavy blanket off his horse’s back. He allowed the blanket to settle down on Tank once more as he saw her silhouette at the entrance to the barn.
“Hey, nice to see you,” he called. “What are you doing out here?” His heart sped up. Mattie had her curly hair down, wearing a heavy, purple goose-down parka, pink knit gloves she’d probably made for herself, jeans, and sturdy work boots. The pink muffler around her neck only emphasized her flushed cheeks as she drew near.
“I’m here for Friday-night dinner,” she said, halting on the other side of Tank, patting his neck. “How are you doing, Mark?”
Better now that you’re here with me. But instead of admitting this to her, he lifted the blanket off and said, “Doing good. It’s nice to be home again, Mattie.”
“And back in the saddle,” she said as she smiled at Tank, taking her gloves off and rubbing his ears, which he dearly loved.
“Yeah, I’ve missed throwing a leg over a good horse. I’ll be right back, okay? Gotta get my grooming tack box.”
Mattie stood there, loving up the gelding. She watched Mark take the blanket to the tack room and a moment later he returned with a small, wooden box in his leather-gloved hand.
“Dad says that you’re a good addition to the ranch. I don’t know if he’s told you that or not.” She smiled across the horse, meeting his gaze.
“Hank usually isn’t very effusive with praise,” Mark told her wryly. He pulled out a curry comb, quickly pulling it over the thicker muscling on the rump of the quarter horse, loosening the day’s grit on Tank’s skin. “But it’s nice to know.”
“Are you getting settled in? Do you like Pepe’s home?”
“Yeah.” He gave her a humored look. “Hank said I could repaint the rooms if I wanted to.” He saw her eyes dance with laughter.
“Oh, you mean his electric yellow, red, blue, and orange rooms? Pepe is Latino. He loves bold, bright colors.”
“Yeah,” Mark said with a grin, “it’s been tough to go to sleep in the bedroom with that bright-red color hanging around me.”
“Have you gotten a chance to start painting the walls yet?” She pulled her fingers through Tank’s reddish-colored mane, patting it back into place.
Shaking his head, he said, “Tomorrow, I plan to drive into Van Horn and buy a couple of gallons of paint. I figured this Sunday, I’ll try to tone one or two of those rooms down.”
“Want some help? I’m great at finding the right colors for a room, and I’ve been told I’m a pretty good painter.” She paused, waiting for his response.
His heart leapt and he tried not to stare in shock at Mattie. She was winsome, girlish right now, not the somber woman he’d talked to that evening. Maybe Mattie had decided to accept his offer of closer ties between them. God, he hoped so.
She looked beautiful to him at this moment, and he forced himself not to stare at her like the voracious, needy male that he was. “Well … sure … I could use all the help I can get.”
“Good. Ace Hardware has the best paint selection in town. I could meet you there Saturday morning, and we can pick out a paint that you like, go home and do a couple of rooms. On Sunday, I could drive over to your home around ten a.m. and help you paint the other two rooms. I might—if you’re lucky—even bring a crock pot of beef stew for our lunch. Would that work for you?”
“I’d be a fool to turn that offer down!” He grinned, changing brushes for Tank’s legs. Crouching down, one hand on the horse’s front left knee, he said, “Can I get anything for that beef stew you’re bringing us for lunch?”
“No. I’ll make some home-baked rolls the night before and bring them along to go with it. I know you love your bread.”
He found himself beginning to salivate. “I’ve really missed your cooking, Mattie,” he admitted, smiling a little as he stood up. He saw her cheeks go a deeper pink and then saw her green eyes begin to sparkle. Could she be making a gesture of welcome to him? Probably not. Mark had discovered a long time ago that he was lousy at reading women in general unless they gave it voice.
“I was having visions of you in that bizarrely painted house, surviving on fast food,” she teased.
“It’s not that bad,” he grinned. “But I’m still getting settled in,” he admitted. Her happiness radiated towards him like life-giving sunlight, and even Tank had perked up. The horse loved her hands on him, his eyes going half closed. Mark wished that someday she would touch him like that. Was it just a dream that would never come true? His life had been filled with bitterness and challenges, not the sweetness of a happy family and a normal job.
“Mom called me a few days ago and said they were inviting you to family dinner with them tonight. She asked if I wanted to come and I said ‘yes’.”
There was a slight trepidation in her tone. Mark finished off grooming Tank. As he unsnapped the crossties from the horse’s halter, he said, “Did you come because they asked you, Mattie?” He clipped on the nylon lead to the gelding’s halter and stood there, holding her gaze. “Or did you come because you knew I’d be there?”
Mark knew that Mattie was fiercely loyal to her family. This was a family that lived, ate, and breathed together, unlik
e his own. Wanting to know if she was coming out of loyalty to her family or because he’d be at that dinner, was crucially important to Mark. He saw her eyes grow serious.
“I came because I love catching up with my family, but it also gave me a chance to see you again.”
Mattie wasn’t one to be political, so Mark took her answer at face value. The fact that she’d invited herself to help pick out paint and come to his home this weekend to help him repaint the rooms, spoke volumes, too. His heart did a hopeful flip-flop. “Good to know,” he murmured, clucking to Tank, who followed him at his shoulder as he led him to his box stall.
Mark didn’t betray his joy, but he felt like he was walking on air, not on a cold, concrete pathway. Was it possible that his life was going to finally turn around after all these years? As Mark slid the heavy oak door close and latched it, he was afraid to honestly hope that a new chapter in his life had just turned over.
But that look of warmth in Mattie’s eyes had been reserved only for him. She seemed buoyant. Could it be she had made a decision about them?
His father had told him he was cursed. And he’d believed it. Could a curse be lifted, and was Mattie the one person who could give him absolution?
Some people were just dark beings, and maybe he was one of them. Mark wondered if other dark beings like himself ever craved the light? Did they want to shrug off the heaviness he always wore around his shoulders? Could he ever get that toxic mind chatter to shut down, once and for all, inside his head?
When he was around Mattie, his world changed one-hundred-eighty degrees from where he usually resided. She could lift him out of his mental prison and make him feel hope once more. She breathed new life into his fractured soul. She fed him with her smile, her laughter lifting him, and her optimism offering him a better way to see reality. If that wasn’t love, what was it? Mark was pretty sure that it was. Because he’d never experienced these feelings with anyone else but her.
Hoping against hope, he took his grooming box back to the tack room, closed it up, and then walked out to where Mattie was standing, watching him. He liked the friendly look in her eyes—it made him feel good and strong.
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