As Gus’s fingers tore hungrily into the paper, she wondered why she was so invested in the results. What was it to her who Lola’s real father was? Was she trying to bring joy and clarity into the life of her lonely middle sister? Or were her motives more self-interested than that? Maybe the mission had more to do with proving that she was right and that she wasn’t the clueless little sister that her older ones still seemed to think she was. It had also crossed Gus’s mind that, should she succeed in reuniting Olympia’s family, Olympia would be permanently indebted to her.
Of course, Olympia might also be furious. What if she didn’t actually want to know who Lola’s biological father was? Or what if she already knew and had been lying to others and possibly even to herself to protect her fragile heart? And what if learning who Lola’s real father was only made Olympia lonelier? What if Patrick still wasn’t available? In truth, Gus had no idea of his relationship status. For some reason, these negative outcomes only occurred to Gus as she unfolded the paper and scanned the letter…
“Dear Ms. Hellinger,” it began. “There is a 99.9% chance that Lola Rae Hellinger is the biological daughter of Patrick Arthur Barrett.” It was a match! She’d been right all along! Gus was so excited by the letter—and so desperate to share it with the implicated parties—that she immediately folded it in fours, stuffed it into her back pocket, grabbed her keys and wallet off the countertop, and headed out. She dreaded the drive to Brooklyn. It took so fucking long at rush hour! But she didn’t have the energy to take the subway. And she felt that news like this was probably best delivered in person.
22
OLYMPIA WAS SERVING Lola her usual dinner of pasta, turkey, and apple slices—despite her affection for Disney’s only African American princess, Lola would only eat white food—when the buzzer rang. Which it almost never did. “Who is it?” she said.
“Pia?” came the response.
“Gus?” said Olympia, baffled. It was the third time in seven years that Gus had been over to Olympia’s apartment. The previous time had been just last week, following a mysterious offer on Gus’s part to babysit Lola. Her younger sister was so strange, Olympia thought. Maybe she was gearing up to have a kid herself and looking for practice?
“Can I come up?” Gus asked.
Then again, maybe someone had died, Olympia thought suddenly, her chest tightening as she buzzed her sister upstairs. “What’s going on?” were the first words out of her mouth.
“It’s nothing bad!” said Gus.
“Then what are you doing here?”
“You’re my sister. I’m not allowed to visit?”
“Of course you’re allowed. Though most people call first.”
“Can I come in?”
“Fine, come in,” said Olympia. “I’m just giving Lola dinner.”
“Did you bring your doctor’s set?” Lola asked Gus.
“What doctor’s set?” Olympia squinted quizzically at her sister.
“Hi, sweetie!” said Gus, ignoring both questions as she leaned over to kiss Lola. Then she turned back to her sister. “I was sort of hoping to talk to you about a grown-up matter.”
Olympia rolled her eyes. Couldn’t Gus wait until later? Then again, Olympia was perpetually curious, always had been. Maybe that was her dirtiest secret of all—that it took all her willpower not to be a gossip, like Gus. At that moment, she had none left. “Lola, go watch TV in the bedroom,” she said, suddenly beset with name regret. She should have called her daughter something primmer and more dignified, Olympia thought—like “Alice” or “Molly.” There was no way around the fact that “Lola” sounded a tiny bit slutty.
“But I’m eating dinner!” Lola moaned.
“You can finish later. Take the apple slices with you.” Olympia ushered her into the bedroom and flicked on the TV. “Look, it’s Yo Gabba Gabba! You love that show.”
“No, I don’t,” said Lola. “It’s for babies.”
“Well, pretend you’re a baby. I’ll be back in five minutes.” Feeling guilty but not that guilty, she shut the door and returned to her sister. “So, what’s going on?” she asked.
“There’s something I need to tell you.”
“Oh, no,” said Olympia, laughing. “I don’t know if I can handle another family revelation. We have a brother too?”
“Not quite,” said Gus, rocking from one foot to the other.
“Are you going to sit down? You’re making me nervous.”
“I’d rather stand.”
“Fine,” said Olympia, sighing and about to reach the outer limits of her patience. Was her sister going to drag this out any longer? “Just tell me what this is about.”
“It’s sort of about you,” said Gus, biting her lip.
“What about me?”
“Well, it’s about Lola, really.”
Olympia could feel her chest contract. Lola was the most precious thing in her life—maybe the only precious thing in her life—even if she sometimes had trouble showing that to Lola.
“So I was on my way out to our first Sisters’ Summit, the weekend before last,” Gus began, “when I thought I’d stop at Fairway for some groceries. I was in the fruit aisle, feeling up peaches—”
“What is this?” Olympia interrupted her. “Some kind of erotic story about fruit?”
“Let me finish!” said Gus. Olympia stifled another eye roll. It was her younger sister’s favorite line—also the one that drove Olympia the most batty. It sounded so desperate and, at the same time, so aggressive.
“I ran into Patrick,” Gus blurted out.
“You what?” Olympia felt her heart diving into a void.
“I recognized him.”
“How is that possible?”
“You introduced me to him once at a party. Also he looked like—well—”
“Looked like—who?”
Gus took an audible breath. “He looked like Lola.”
“What are you talking about?” Olympia shot back at her.
“You know what I’m talking about.”
“If it’s what I think you’re talking about, I used a sperm bank, Gus.”
“But Patrick is Lola’s father. He agreed to take a DNA test. And it was a match with Lola.” Gus pulled an envelope out of her back pocket and held it aloft. “I had them both tested.”
Olympia felt as if she’d been shot out of the room in a rocket ship and was looking back at it from a good distance away—possibly from Mars. “You organized this by yourself?” was all she could think to say.
“Yes,” said Gus.
Her hands trembling, Olympia took the letter out of her sister’s hand and scanned it. But how was it possible? True, there had been that one night when the two of them had had “breakup sex.” But Patrick had told Olympia that, at Camille’s behest, he’d gotten a vasectomy, since it would have been dangerous for Camille to carry a baby to term. Had Olympia gotten the story wrong? Had the vasectomy not worked? Was the letter authentic, the lab reliable? Reality appeared as unstable as an old black-and-white TV set channeling static.
“The other thing,” said Gus, interrupting the maelstrom in Olympia’s head, “is that since a certain other person learned this news, there’s someone he’s anxious to meet.” She smiled giddily, unable to control her excitement. “And—”
“Why don’t you let me handle that,” Olympia cut her off, suddenly aghast at the thought of her younger sister having contacted her ex-boyfriend behind her back. As if Olympia couldn’t take care of her personal life by herself! (As if Gus were the older of the two.) “I appreciate all your help,” she went on, as calmly as she could, even as her teeth began to chatter. “But I really need you to take a step back now.”
“Okay,” said Gus, sounding disappointed, “but he’s actually on his way to the coffee shop on your corner. I promised I’d call to let him know if he could come up, or you could go over there and meet him.”
“JESUS CHRIST!” cried Olympia, suddenly livid. “Are you done meddling in my lif
e?! What does it help me to know that the father of my daughter is a married man?” Tears filled Olympia’s eyes. Gus never stopped to think how her actions affected others, she thought. All she did was meddle and manipulate.
“I’m sorry,” said Gus, seemingly on the verge of tears now herself.
But Olympia wasn’t done with her. “Why don’t you spend a little more time worrying about your own life and a little less time worrying about mine. For one thing, you might want to figure out if you’re gay or straight.” Olympia was aware that she was being cruel. But didn’t Gus deserve the abuse?
The charge clearly wounded Gus. “I was just… trying to make you happy,” she stammered, then bit her lower lip, her own eyes shimmering with tears now, as well. “And make up for what I did. And he’s not married anymore—I don’t think.”
“You don’t think?” Olympia shot back.
“He doesn’t wear a wedding ring.”
“Lots of men don’t wear wedding rings.” Olympia tsked and shook her head. “I can’t believe I’m even having this conversation with you. Please leave me be. I need time to think.”
“If that’s what you want,” muttered Gus, clearly dejected.
Lola wandered back into the living room. Embarrassed as ever by her own display of emotionality—and worried that she’d worry Lola—Olympia turned away. But Lola had already seen. “Why is Mommy crying?” she asked, as she always did.
“Because Aunt Gus was trying to make her happy but actually upset her,” Gus said solemnly as she collected her belongings.
“I love you, Mommy,” said Lola.
At those words, Olympia turned back around. “Come here, sweetie,” she said, opening her arms. Lola rushed between them, and Olympia buried her nose in her daughter’s warm scalp. “I love you, too,” she said. Never before had she felt so thankful for the physical fact of Lola.
“You’re the best mommy in the world,” said Lola, clearly enjoying the attention.
“I should go,” Gus mumbled on her way out, her head hanging. “I’m sorry again—for everything.”
Olympia didn’t answer. But at the sound of the door shutting behind her, she experienced a sharp pang of regret. Maybe she did want to see Patrick right now. And maybe she wanted Gus to summon him from the coffee shop, after all. Maybe it was the thing she wanted more than anything in the world. And if he really was Lola’s father, they needed to talk about the future—a future she’d never allowed herself to imagine, except back in the early days of their affair when passion had momentarily blinded her to the reality of the situation.
Only, if Gus was to be believed, the situation was not what it had once seemed. Moreover, maybe Olympia was being too hard on her sister, who, for once, was only trying to do some good in the world. Dislodging Lola from her lap, Olympia ran to the door and poked her head out it. Gus was already halfway down the stairs. “You can tell him he can come up,” she called to her.
Gus paused on the landing and looked up, her eyes searching Olympia’s face. “Are you sure?” she asked.
“I’m sure.”
“Okay.”
“Oh, and would you mind taking Lola somewhere for a half hour?” asked Olympia. “I’d really appreciate that.”
“No problem,” said Gus, turning to climb back up the stairs.
“There’s one last thing.”
“What?”
“Thanks—for everything.” For the first time in months, Olympia offered her sister a genuine smile.
“Any time.” Gus smiled back…
“I thought you went home!” Lola declared at the sight of her aunt.
“I came back,” said Gus. “Get your shoes on. We’re going out for a candy bar.”
“Yay!” said Lola, jumping up. “How come you always let me have candy and Mommy doesn’t?”
“Because crazy lesbian aunts are more fun than boring old hetero mommies,” said Gus.
“Gus—she’s only three,” said Olympia. (She was still her older sister.) “Does she really need to know about this stuff now?”
“Know about what?” said Lola.
“Never mind. Shoes—now!”
Three minutes after leaving with Lola, Gus texted Olympia to say that Patrick would be over in ten. Olympia frantically applied makeup and tidied the apartment. If she still cared too much about appearances, so what? She couldn’t begin to imagine what would happen next; couldn’t even say for sure what she wished would happen. All she knew was that she wanted Patrick to know what he’d been missing.
When the buzzer rang again, her stomach fell out of her body and rolled onto the floor. At least, that was how it felt. She’d seen Patrick’s face in her head so many hundreds of times over the past four-plus years—which was the length of time since they’d last seen each other—that the actual sight of him standing there was both completely familiar and utterly shocking. “Patrick,” she said, gulping.
“Pia,” he said. He kissed her hello on both cheeks. He smelled faintly of strawberry jam. He was wearing cargo pants and a blue T-shirt. On second glance, his face seemed more angular and drawn than Olympia remembered and, at the same time, exactly the same. And how had she never connected Lola’s freckles to his? Never mind his reddish brown hair. Had that ninth-grade unit on Gregor Mendel been all for naught? “Do you want to come in?” she said.
“Thanks,” he said, stepping past her and into her apartment. He looked from one end of the living room to the other. “It looks exactly like I remember it—except for the plastic toys.” He laughed cautiously.
“No getting around them, I’m afraid,” said Olympia with a quick smile. She took a seat on the sofa. And then, so did he. There was silence. “So!” said Olympia, trying to upend the awkwardness.
“So,” Patrick repeated. “I can’t believe—”
“I had no idea myself,” said Olympia, lest he think this was some elaborate ploy.
“You didn’t?”
“No, not until five minutes ago, when Gus told me. You told me you’d gotten a—vasectomy!”
Looking uncomfortable, Patrick stared into his lap. “I had it reversed.”
“Reversed?! When? Why?”
“Around the time we broke things off. I guess I just didn’t like the idea of having others determine my future. Honestly, it wasn’t that thought-through. I mean, I’m not even entirely sure myself why I did it. Obviously, my marriage wasn’t in very good shape at that point.”
“But why didn’t you tell me?”
“We weren’t really in regular touch anymore.”
Olympia took a deep breath, feeling a sudden need to confess herself. “After we broke up, I felt so upset and alone—”
“I know, I’m sorry,” said Patrick, closing his eyes and sighing. “I’m sorry for that whole period.”
“It’s okay, it’s a long time ago now. I just want you to understand that when I got pregnant, the idea was to do it on my own. At least, that was the plan. To be honest, at that point, I’d had enough of men!” She laughed nervously, worried he’d judge her for what she was about to say. “Which is why I went to a—sperm bank. Maybe that sounds crazy.”
“A little crazy but maybe not that crazy.” Patrick smiled sheepishly back.
“So, until just now, I’d assumed that Lola’s father was the donor I used. Now I want my money back!” Olympia laughed again.
“So, it must have happened that one time after we broke up—”
“I guess.”
Patrick shook his head as if in disbelief. Then he moved closer, took Olympia’s hand and laced his fingers through it. “Pia,” he said, looking into her eyes. “I’ve thought about you so many times.”
“I think about you every day,” said Olympia, feeling herself melting in his gaze. But another impulse pulled her away. Until just then, she hadn’t realized how angry she still was. “I also think about the incredible pain our relationship caused me,” she told him. “You shouldn’t have let me fall in love with you. It wasn’t fair.” Suddenl
y enraged—even if the whole thing had been fifty percent her fault—she yanked her hand out of his grip.
“You’re right,” he said. “It wasn’t fair to anyone. I led myself on too.”
“But I was the one who ended up alone.”
“Not quite.”
“What do you mean?”
Patrick let the silence gather between them before he spoke again: “I sent you an email this past winter. You never answered.”
“I didn’t answer because I was scared of getting sucked back in.”
“Well, I wanted to tell you that Camille left me.”
At this latest piece of shocking news, Olympia felt her heart quiver with guilt and glee entwined. “And why did she leave you?” she dared to ask.
“She told me she didn’t love me anymore. Also, I wasn’t exactly a model husband.” Again, Patrick hung his head.
“Neither of us were model anything. To be honest, I hate myself for what I did,” Olympia said forcefully.
“Well, you don’t need to anymore,” said Patrick. “She met a new guy—in physical therapy. Another paraplegic. His accident happened cliff diving in Hawaii. She said I didn’t understand her anymore. But apparently this guy does.”
“Did you tell her about”—Olympia could hardly get the word out—“us?”
“Not directly, but I think she knew.”
“So the demise of your marriage is my—our—fault?” Her lower lip quivering, Olympia probed Patrick’s face. It was her worst fear realized—that she’d ruined someone else’s life.
“It was my fault, not yours,” he said. “I tried to do the right thing. And I failed.” Choking up, Patrick looked away.
“But you did try,” said Olympia, taking momentary pity.
“Not as hard as I should have.”
In that moment, it also seemed clear to Olympia that they’d all suffered enough. “Well, you can be good to us instead,” she said, her voice splintering. “We need you, too. How’s that?”
The Pretty One: A Novel About Sisters Page 24
