The Girls They Lost

by J H Leigh

  Dylan nodded. “Let’s go. I want to get this over with.” To me, she said, “Don’t leave. We’ll be back soon.”

  “Bring back a pizza,” I said, settling onto the lumpy couch, happy to stay behind. I could only handle so much of Dylan and to be honest, a little alone time sounded perfect. I wasn’t much of a people person on my best day, much less under the circumstances and both Dylan and Jilly’s personalities were a bit much.

  The girls left me behind and I closed my eyes with a long exhale. Except I always saw Tana’s body when I tried to sleep. My eyes popped open, regardless of the grit of sleep deprivation and the sheer mental exhaustion sucking the life out of me.

  I must’ve dozed for a little while. I woke with a start to hear the front door opening and Badger returning. He carried a bag of groceries, which seemed an odd thing to see in his arms. I know people have to eat but I never imagined someone like Badger walking the aisles of a local bodega for pantry items.

  “You like spaghetti?” he asked, pulling items from the bag. He didn’t wait for my answer, saying, “Well, it’s for dinner so you’d better like it because I ain’t running no restaurant.”

  “I like most food,” I answered, rising to walk over to the kitchen. “Need help?”

  He pushed the vegetables my way. “You can start chopping. I like a salad with pasta. Have you ever noticed that when you’re poor, fresh produce is like rich people food? It’s tough to eat healthy when you ain’t got shit. Cheaper to eat garbage than anything good for you.” He pointed an old wooden spoon at me. “That’s the government making sure that the poor people stay sick so they can experiment on you with their weird-ass shit. I kid you not, true story. Don’t ask me how I know.”

  I knew a smile wasn’t the right response but Badger’s conspiracy theories were just the right amount of crazy to lighten the mood, even if he hadn’t meant to.

  “You think I sound crazy, right?” he said, reading my mind. “That’s okay, you just don’t know. You’re ignorant but stick with me and I’ll educate you.”

  I wasn’t sticking around to become Badger’s protege but he didn’t need to know that. “Thanks for helping us out. I’m sorry about Nova.”

  “Yeah, she was a good kid,” he said, avoiding eye contact as he started mincing garlic. He switched subjects as if he couldn’t talk about Nova. “The thing is, a good sauce has to have plenty of garlic. Everybody knows that but it also takes time to make sure the sauce has enough marinating time, you know?” Except Nova made her way into his thoughts anyway. Grief had a way of doing that. He shook his head, adding as if annoyed, “Nova was always rushing me. Saying nobody cared about the marinating but I cared. I mean, no sense in doing something unless you do right. Nova was always looking for the shortcut. Damn her little cheating ass. Always about the fucking shortcut.”

  My cheeks burned. Hadn’t we all been looking for the shortcut? A quick route out of the misery of our lives? Guilty as charged.

  “I thought she was smarter than that,” Badger said, stilling. “She could’ve gone to college, made something of herself, gotten out of this life and gone legit. Goddamn it, Nova.”

  That last part, muttered with anger, hid a wealth of agony from a big brother who’d probably been watching out for his little sister since they were both small. I didn’t know their story but whatever they’d had together had been real.

  “You got any siblings?” he asked. I shook my head. He grunted. “You’re lucky. All you gotta care about is yourself. Easier that way.”

  “Lonelier too,” I admitted.

  “Fuck that. You’re only lonely if you let yourself be. Plenty of people to spend your time with in this world. People are a dime a dozen.”

  I didn’t argue. I was living on his dime, in his domain. I wasn’t about to strike up a debate about the validity of his claim. Besides, what did I know? Maybe he was right. Caring about people made you and them vulnerable.

  But I missed Lora. I wanted to call her so bad. She was probably worried sick by now.

  “Hey, so they took our phones when we got to the place and we never got them back. Do you think you could hook us up with some burners?” I asked, adding, “I got money. I can pay you.”

  “I can make that happen. Who you want to call?”

  I shrugged. “No one. I just don’t like being without a phone. Makes me feel vulnerable.”

  “I got you.” He nodded wisely. “Yeah, sure, I’ll hook you up. Don’t worry about the money. We’ll settle up later.”

  I’d rather pay. I didn’t like anyone having something over me. I’d deal with that later. I nodded, seeming to accept his offer. Now was not the time to make waves.

  We worked side by side in silence, finishing up the spaghetti. By the time Jilly and Dylan returned, we had a decent meal to put on the rickety table.

  Genuine joy spread across Dylan’s face as she tucked into the mound of spaghetti. It was probably like the way I felt when I’d walk into my Gran’s house, the lingering smell of cigarettes and whatever she was cooking hanging in the air. For me, it always felt like home.

  I saw that in Dylan’s expression — however, fucked up things were, she was home.

  Tears sprang to my eyes. I hid my reaction by focusing on my own plate.

  I blamed exhaustion for the pain that burned like a raw, angry bruise on my heart.

  Easier than admitting I was homesick, too.

  6

  I woke the next morning to Dylan and Badger shouting.

  “You should’ve fucking told me what Nova was up to! Maybe if you’d opened your fucking mouth and told me, I could’ve saved her from making a huge mistake!”

  “She asked me not to tell you,” Dylan shouted back. “What part of that don’t you understand? I was being loyal to my best friend. Besides, how was I supposed to know this was going to happen? Don’t you think if I’d known that she was in any danger, I would’ve stopped her myself? Jesus, Badger, you act like you’re the only one who lost her. I loved her, too!”

  “Not enough to keep her from getting herself fucking killed,” Badger returned with cold cruelty. “It’s your fault she’s dead.”

  I held my breath, shocked. Dylan stared, the pain of his accusation cutting so deep I could feel the agony across my own heart. I had to say something before they destroyed each other. I scrambled to my feet, stepping between them. “Look, it’s getting pretty heated. We need to take a step back and calm down. If we start attacking each other, they win. You get it? If we’re spending all our time and energy fighting each other, no one is making them pay for what they done. Are you going to do that or are you going to suck it up and work together because let me know now if you’re no use to me.”

  It was a bold fucking move on my part but from what I learned about Dylan was that sometimes she respected you more with savagery. Now that I’d met Badger, it made more sense — and if Dylan was that way, it stood to reason that Badger was the same.

  Badger, amused, said, “You think you can do this on your own?”

  “Maybe. Maybe not but if you’re not going to be useful, then I don’t really have a choice, do I? You weren’t there when I was jimmying the locks in the dead of night while locked away in Madame Moirai’s mansion, were you? I got myself out of that place. I’ll find a way to make them pay on my own if I have to.”

  I meant every word. There was a part of me that was stone-cold savage and if I had to tap into that place, I would. No one, not even Badger and his underground Runaway Club of vicious misfits would stop me.

  “Your sister kept you out of the loop. It was part of our agreement we made with Madame Moirai. They made it sound like we were being watched from the moment we signed the contract. She probably didn’t want to blow her shot so she didn’t say anything to anyone but Dylan and then made Dylan promise to keep quiet because, for all she knew, any breach of the contract would cost her the money. That’s what they do — they use our desperate need for money to make us do stupid shit. Trust me, I f
eel sick to my stomach for being duped so easily but here we are. You beating Dylan over the head over a mistake we all made isn’t going to get us anywhere so shut the fuck up already. I have a headache from sleeping on the couch and I haven’t had any coffee yet. Got it?”

  Dylan looked apprehensive and impressed at the same time. I probably just earned myself a one-way ticket to this infamous “pit” but I didn’t have the patience to tip-toe around drama that we couldn’t afford. There was a group of sociopaths after us with unlimited resources. Now wasn’t the time to jerk around with bullshit blame.

  “I feel you,” Badger said, gazing at me with something more akin to respect. To Dylan, he said, “Fine, we’ll table this discussion until a later date.”

  “Oh goody, something to look forward to,” Dylan countered sourly. “I’m with Nicole, let’s get the coffee started before I murder someone for looking at me funny.”

  “Nice to see some things don’t change,” Badger said, moving to the kitchen to start the coffee in the old coffee maker. He looked to me. “Straight black or creamer?”

  “You got creamer?”

  “I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t.”

  “Then yeah, I like creamer, the sweeter the better.”

  Jilly appeared, yawning, scratching her behind. “Jesus, you guys are fucking loud. What are you yelling about?” Before anyone could answer, she waved away our response, disinterested. “Forget it, never mind. Just pour the coffee. That’s all I care about for the moment.”

  Crisis averted. At least for now. Once we all had a cup, I returned to the topic that mattered. “Do you know any cops or anything who can help us get information on The Avalon or Madame Moirai?”

  “Maybe. First, give me the run-down of this operation. I want to know how it all came together.” He gestured to me. “Starting with you.”

  “My story is about the same as all of ours. Someone approached me on behalf of someone named Madame Moirai. They offered me a lot of money for my virginity and I took it. We had a set of rules we had to follow before the pick-up and then a car came and picked me up bringing me to the mansion. At first, I thought it was pretty fancy and that maybe this was really an up and up deal for rich weirdos with fucked up fetishes or something but then I got locked into a big room with four beds. That’s when I met Dylan, Jilly, and Tana.”

  “Tana’s the dead one?” Badger asked.

  I narrowed my gaze at his insensitive tone. “Yeah. She’s the one who died. Like Nova,” I added without mercy.

  Badger’s nostrils flared but he didn’t counter or retaliate.

  I continued. “We were prepared for the auction—“

  “Prepared? What do you mean?”

  Dylan interjected, irritated. “She means we were plucked, prodded and given enemas so that we were primed and ready in case some sick fucker wanted to shove their dicks up our ass.”

  “Did they?” Badger asked.

  “Fuck you,” Dylan muttered.

  But I held Badger’s gaze. If he wanted to know the gory details, so be it. “Yeah, and it was awful, degrading and painful. Then, after he’d violated my ass, he beat me until I cried for mercy. It’s a miracle he didn’t break any bones.” I shared a look with Dylan, returning to Badger. “Not everyone was so lucky. Tana was broken into pieces by the time they finished with her. That satisfy your curiosity?”

  “Fuck, that’s messed up,” Badger said, his voice subdued.

  The blood had left Jilly’s face. Not even the heat from the mug of coffee could pinken those cheeks. She’d never shared what her buyer had done to her. I assumed it was horrific. I didn’t need details. Then, she looked up and shared, “Nicole knows her buyer’s name.”

  “Serious?” Badger asked.

  “Yeah. A French man named Henri Benoit.”

  “Why did he tell you his name?” Badger asked, regarding me open speculation. “Seems like a stupid thing to do.”

  “At first arrogance, I guess. He must’ve known that Madame Moirai disposes of her auction girls at the end but then he made an offer to elevate so he probably thought I was coming back to him.”

  “Elevate…pretty fancy word for a sex slave,” Badger figured out. “What made him think you’d be open to being with him again after he’d fucked you up?”

  “How the fuck should I know?” I snapped. “It’s not like we ended the night holding hands and whispering sweet fucking nothings in each other’s ears. By the time I left his place, all I wanted to do was escape, get paid and forget it ever happened.”

  “So, by my calculation, you’re owed some money…” Badger said.

  “Yeah, about sixty or seventy grand,” I said.

  He looked to Dylan and Jilly, motioning, “Same for you, two?”

  “About the same,” Dylan answered.

  “Now that’s something I understand. Services rendered, money paid. That’s how these things work.”

  “Not to mention what was owed Nova,” I reminded him, holding his stare. “If Nova’s gone, that would make you the next of kin, right?”

  Badger leaned back, his eyes glittering with the new angle. “That’s about right, indeed.”

  It wasn’t about the money but if the money helped grease the wheels more effectively than pure sentiment and emotion, so be it.

  “I know a guy who might be able to help. Ex-cop turned P.I. He does some work for me from time to time. Stuff that needs to keep quiet. I can trust him.”

  “What’s his name?”

  “Adrian Hicks.”

  Dylan said, “Never heard of him.”

  “Your point?” Badger countered.

  “I’m just saying I know all your contacts and I’ve never heard you mention anyone named Hicks.”

  “Don’t be so full of yourself, bitch. I got contacts you ain’t never heard of and you never will. You want the help or not?”

  Dylan flipped Badger off and returned to her coffee in sullen silence. I was starting to realize this was their relationship: surly, adversarial and yet oddly protective. Talk about dysfunction. Something I recognized well.

  Badger pushed off the counter to reach into a drawer, pulling three phones free. “Burners with hacked SIMS. Unlimited calls. Only I have the numbers. Keep it that way. If I call, make sure you answer.”

  I reached over and grabbed a phone as Jilly and Dylan did the same. I murmured my thanks, catching a quick look from Dylan. Losing our phones was just another violation of our dignity to add to the list. What I hated more was that they had access to our lives through our contacts, pictures, videos and even the apps we used.

  Anything they wanted to know about us, could be found in those phones. With any luck, our phones burned in the fire I set.

  “When can we meet this Hicks?” I asked.

  “I’ll make some calls. I’ll let you know.” He looked to Dylan. “You up for a job while you wait?”

  She seemed to anticipate his offer, agreeing with a shrug. “Anything to get out of the apartment.”

  “Good.”

  As much as they bickered and seemed to purposefully stab each other when they could, Badger understood she couldn’t stay cooped inside an apartment with Nova’s ghost. I would feel the same if I was mourning Lora.

  Speaking of. I needed to talk to her. If our phones weren’t destroyed in the fire, I needed to make sure Lora was okay. Also, I didn’t want her to worry.

  With Dylan out of the house, I could sneak away and make a call. I knew it was risky and probably stupid but I was going to do it anyway.

  If anything, I needed something to remind me of before this all happened, before Henri Benoit had stained my soul forever with his nasty touch.

  Before I’d foolishly sold something before knowing it’s true value.

  Hell, maybe I just wanted to pretend for a second that everything was fine, life was normal and all I needed to worry about was a chem test.

  Because that wasn’t my reality.

  Our reality was much darker.

  We
were as good as dead if the wrong people found us before we could find a way to save our skins.

  I didn’t want to die.

  I blinked back tears.

  I was still just a kid.

  Why the hell didn’t I feel like one anymore?

  7

  Jilly left with Dylan after Badger skipped out for the day, leaving me alone. I showered and dressed quickly, grabbed the burner phone and headed out.

  On the subway to Manhattan, I called Lora. Thankfully, I knew her number, one of the few I knew by heart, and held my breath waiting for her to answer.

  I wasn’t surprised when the first call went to voicemail. No one picked up an unknown number on the first ring. I left a quick message, letting her know it was me and that I would call right back.

  On the first ring of the second call, Lora’s voice was in my ear.

  “Oh my God, Nicole! Where the fuck are you? Where have you been? Seriously, oh my God! Are you okay?”

  “I will tell you everything but not on the phone. Can you get away and meet me at The Cruller? I’ll be there in about thirty minutes.”

  The Cruller was a favorite bakery of ours with the most amazing pastries in the city. Lora and I used to make the trip to Crullers at least once a month to celebrate whatever victories we’d accomplished. It was Lora’s idea and I wasn’t about to turn down the opportunity to eat pastries so I agreed. After that, it just evolved into our own little ritual and I missed it.

  “How am I supposed to ditch school and get to the city before my mom finds out I’m gone? Why can’t you just come to my place?”

  Impatience laced my tone. “Lora, find a fucking way, okay? I can’t come to your place. It’s safer to meet in public away from your house.”

  “Safer? What do you mean? Are you in some kind of trouble? If you are we should tell my dad. He can help.”

  “For God’s sake Lora, just listen to me. This isn’t something your dad can handle and I wouldn’t involve him or you anyway. Can you meet me or not?”