The Girls They Lost

by J H Leigh

“I guess but it won’t be easy.”

  Her reluctance hurt my feelings. “Forget it, then,” I said, tears stinging my eyes.

  “Hold your horses, Jesus, I’m coming I’m just saying, it’s going to be a bitch trying to get there and back without freaking out my parents. I’ll see you in thirty.”

  I clicked off and wiped at my eyes. I’d always known that Lora was a little spoiled but never had it become so apparent that we were from different worlds than now when I needed her most.

  Contacting her was a mistake. Maybe I shouldn’t go. But even as I knew it was probably the best way to remedy this situation, I couldn’t ghost my best friend. It wasn’t her fault that she’d been raised in a loving home with normal, boring parents and I hadn’t.

  Was I really going to tell Lora what happened to me? What I’d agreed to and how I’d ended up on the run? I’d have to if any of this was going to make sense to her. Otherwise, she’d just do something stupid like go to the cops in some misguided attempt at helping, which I couldn’t afford.

  I walked into Crullers, the familiar, comforting smell of dough, sugar and warm air, caressed my soul in a way that nearly buckled my knees. I ordered two fresh crullers and two hot chocolates, our standing order, and waited.

  Just when I thought Lora had bailed on me, she walked into the bakery, searching for me among the patrons. Her eyes lit up with genuine relief as she hustled over to me, sliding into the booth, reaching for my hand to squeeze it in hers. “Are you okay?” was her first question, followed immediately by “You have no idea how out of my mind I’ve been. You’ve got some explaining to do.”

  I smiled, my throat closing as I nodded. I gestured to the cruller. “I got our favorite.”

  “Not that I don’t love a good cruller but I need to know what the hell is going on, Nicole.”

  The subtle admonishment in her tone landed like an anvil on my shoulders. It was either now or never if I was going to be honest about what had happened. Here goes nothing…

  “Listen to me, what I’m about to tell you is going to upset you but I need you to promise me that you’ll keep your mouth shut, okay?”

  Lora’s brow furrowed in confusion. “I’m sure whatever you did is fixable—“

  “Stop. It’s not that simple and the fix is anything but easy. Just promise me you’ll listen without judgment and that you’ll keep it to yourself. You can’t even tell your parents, okay?”

  “That’s a pretty tall order,” she admitted, biting her lip. “And you’re kinda scaring me. You’ve been gone for almost two weeks. That’s serious. I mean, you’re truant now. I think that goes on your school record. How’s that going to look on your transcripts?”

  Transcripts? Jesus, college was the last thing on my mind. “Shut up and listen, okay?” I said, almost begging her to zip her trap. “I will tell you everything but for God’s sake, shut up already. What I’m dealing with is far more serious than being truant.”

  Lora blinked in shock as I’d no doubt hurt her feelings but I didn’t have time to coddle her. Was this what I always did with Lora? Coddled her for the sake of keeping the peace or protecting her?

  “Fine. Okay, say what you have to say,” Lora said, slumping against the booth with a subtle petulance that was hard to miss, adding with a sniff, “But you don’t have to be rude about it.”

  “Sorry,” I mumbled “but I…never mind. Here’s the deal…the reason I’m meeting with you is because you might be in danger because of a deal I made with some shady people. I just want to be sure that you’re safe.”

  “What do you mean? Are you into drugs or something?”

  “Not drugs. There’s no easy way to explain this so I’m going to be blunt: I sold my virginity to some rich perverts that turned out to be shady criminals and now I’m a loose end they can’t afford. I don’t want you to get caught up in this net so I’m telling you now, don’t talk to anyone about me or tell them that you’ve had contact, okay?”

  “Are you freaking kidding me?” she asked, bewildered. “The words that just came out of your mouth make zero sense. I mean, what? You sold your…seriously?”

  My stomach sunk. What the hell was I thinking telling Lora? She wasn’t going to listen to reason. I was stupid to come. I wanted to kick myself for ignoring my gut instincts. Again. I tried again, desperately hoping I could pierce through the crust created by her happy and cozy life.

  “Lora…I know this is hard for you to grasp but there are really bad people who not only want me dead but need me to be gone to keep their secret. They will stop at nothing to make sure I stay quiet. Get it?”

  “Sounds pretty dramatic,” Lora said, not understanding. “Why don’t you just go to the police if it’s that bad?”

  “Because people with this kind of money, likely have cops on their payroll, get it?”

  “This isn’t a movie, Nicole…that doesn’t happen in real life,” she scoffed, wrinkling her brow with irritation as if I were making all of this up for attention. “Seriously, I doubt it’s all that bad. Just go tell the police and they can sort all this out.”

  Tears stung my eyes. She didn’t understand. She never would understand. “Did you hear a word I said?”

  “Yes, every word and I’m kinda pissed that you would do something so…disgusting, honestly. You sold your virginity? Like, gross. That’s something you save for your husband, not some weirdo random stranger.”

  “Not everyone has a college fund, Lora,” I reminded her quietly, my heart hurting too much to trust saying much else. I never realized Lora could be so dense, so lacking in empathy that she would judge me so harshly for a decision that I clearly regretted. I grabbed my backpack. “I’m sorry I came. Look, whether you believe me or not, the threat is real. Don’t talk to anyone and forget you ever saw me. As far as you’re concerned…I just disappeared.”

  When Lora realized I was about to bail, she grabbed my arm in alarm. “Wait, I’m sorry…don’t go. I just don’t understand…I can’t wrap my head around what you’re telling me and I’m struggling. I’m sorry if I’m not saying the right things. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

  Deep down I’d known this would be Lora’s reaction, which was why I hadn’t told her in the first place. It wasn’t her fault that she couldn’t understand. It was my fault for placing that burden on her shoulders. I blinked against the tears stinging my eyes. I leaned down to hug her hard. “Don’t talk to anyone, please,” I whispered into her ear before letting go, saying, “I’ll try to call when I can.”

  Lora tried protesting but I was out the door and gone before she could chase after me.

  My life as I’d known it was as dead as the girl on the slab. There was no coming back after what’d been done to us. At some point, I just had to accept that as fact no matter how much it hurt.

  Tears streamed down my face as I ran. I finally stopped, my chest screaming for air as the bitter cold of a New York winter cut into my lungs. I glanced up at the darkened sky. It might snow tonight. I dragged my arm across my face, wiping away the wetness.

  My best friend in the world, the only person who really loved me, thought I was being a drama queen about the most horrific experience of my life.

  She didn’t believe me when I told her that someone was likely after me and the cops were no help.

  All I had in the world was Jilly and Dylan — only because they were in the same position, not because we cared about each other.

  I was forced to rely on the kindness of a man I couldn’t trust while putting my fate in the hands of strangers who only had my back for as long as it benefitted them in some way.

  With those odds, it seemed only a matter of time before I ended up dead. A prickling on the back of my neck caused me to turn and stare behind me. Throngs of people flowed onto the sidewalk. Was someone watching me? Being out in the open made me nervous. Eyes could be everywhere. I had no idea how connected The Avalon network was but I wouldn’t put it past them to have eyes in the sky, using the traffic
cams and facial recognition technology to find me.

  Maybe I was paranoid.

  Maybe I wasn’t being paranoid enough.

  All I knew was that I didn’t want to remain on the street much longer.

  I ducked down into the subway entrance, feeling only marginally better in the confines of the subterranean transit system but nothing truly settled the feeling that I was being watched.

  Only then, sitting by myself, as the blurred cement landscape passed me by, did I let the tears flow. I just said goodbye to my best friend but Lora didn’t even realize we’d probably never see each other again.

  I’d rationalized that I’d only wanted to make sure she was safe but the real reason was far more selfish — I’d wanted to see someone who knew me before all of this had changed me.

  I wanted to see who I’d been through their eyes.

  Except…it never works like that, does it?

  All I saw was someone I’d left behind.

  And my heart broke all over again.

  Madame Moirai had stolen far more than my paltry virginity — she’d stolen my future self because I’d never be the same after what she’d done to me.

  Ever.

  8

  Dylan pounced on me the minute I returned to the apartment, eyes blazing with accusation and fear.

  “Where the fuck have you been?”

  I dropped my pack to the floor, glaring as I shot back, “You’re not my fucking warden and I don’t have to check in with you, so fuck off.”

  But Dylan wasn’t backing down. She shocked me when she tried grabbing me. I slapped her hand away with a snarl. “Don’t fucking touch me,” I warned. “Or I will remove that fucking hand. Got it?”

  Jilly jumped in, scared. “Guys, don’t fight. We were just worried about you, okay?” she said, trying to smooth things over. “We got back to the apartment and you weren’t answering your phone. We thought that Madame Moirai had found you, that’s all. We’re glad you’re safe.”

  Dylan held my stare, hot and angry. If there was some truth to Jilly’s statement, Dylan wasn’t showing it but I sensed Jilly was probably being honest in ways Dylan couldn’t. Dylan wasn’t exactly the touchy-feely type. Every emotion funneled back to anger at some point. If she was worried, she’d likely respond with rage because she didn’t know how to process anything more complex. I let my anger recede. I understood Dylan more than I wanted to. “I went to talk to my friend Lora. I didn’t want her to worry but also, I wanted to warn her not to talk to anyone about me in case Madame Moirai’s people started sniffing around.”

  “You should’ve told us before you left,” Dylan said, still pissed. “How do you know you can trust your friend not to rat you out?”

  “Lora’s not like that,” I said, defending Lora. “She’s trustworthy.”

  “Everyone has a price. If The Avalon starts throwing cash at her, she’ll talk.”

  I hated Dylan being right. Going to see Lora was stupid but I couldn’t take it back. “Look, I just wanted to make sure she was okay. She’s not like us. She’s got a nice family and she’s normal. I didn’t want anything to come back on her because of what I’d done, okay?”

  Jilly nodded, understanding but Dylan was being a bitch. “If anything comes back on us because of your stupidity, I’ll fucking kill you myself.”

  “Okay, Bad-Ass,” I quipped with enough sarcasm to kill a horse. “Calm yourself. Nothing is going to happen. We met at a small out of the way bakery and then I took the subway back.”

  “Someone could’ve seen you and followed you,” Dylan said.

  “I wasn’t followed.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because I made sure,” I said. “I wasn’t fucking born yesterday.”

  Dylan settled a little but grumbled, “Yeah, well, if you keep making dumb-ass decisions like that, makes me wonder.”

  “I don’t need you to police me, Dylan,” I told her, going to the kitchen to grab some left-over spaghetti. My sprint had burned up all the calories from my cruller and I was starved. “What’s the word on Badger’s PI? I want to get moving on some leads. I’m not about to spend my entire life constantly looking over my shoulder. At some point, I want to be able to put all of this behind me.”

  “You really think that’s possible?” Dylan asked, incredulous. “Girl, this shit is tattooed on our souls for the rest of our lives. There ain’t no escaping what we’ve got in our heads.”

  “I’ll find a way as long as I’m not dodging bullets at the same time.”

  Jilly asked, “Did you have a nice visit with your friend?”

  I dug into the cold spaghetti. “Not really,” I admitted around a huge bite. “Lora couldn’t understand why I just didn’t go to the cops.”

  “Do you think she’ll talk?” Jilly asked, worried.

  “No,” I lied. No sense in admitting I shared the same concern, giving Dylan more to bitch about. “She’s cool. I mean, she can’t understand what I’m going through but she trusts me enough to believe me when I say it’s not safe to talk about me to anyone.”

  Dylan shook her head, still thinking I was stupid for talking to my friend. I ignored Dylan as I continued to eat. Jilly sat on the sofa, drawing her knees to her chest, saying wistfully, “I’m jealous that you have someone who still cares about you in the real world. I never really had many connections to hold onto.”

  Of the three of us, Jilly seemed the most without a rudder. Even Dylan had her band of thieves and runaways as a surrogate family. Jilly had no one to call her own, which made her seemingly sunny optimism all the more chilling because I had no idea how it could be real or where it could be coming from.

  “We’ll see,” Dylan said, reaching for the tequila bottle and pouring herself a shot. Not to be a prude or anything but it seemed a little early to be hitting the bottle. However, I wasn’t her mom so whatever, Dylan could drink herself stupid for all I cared. “So, what happens if your friend goes to the cops anyway?”

  Dylan wasn’t going to let it go. I finished my plate of spaghetti before answering with a short, “Then, I’ll handle it” to put an end to the conversation. “How about this? You worry about your shit and I’ll worry about mine.”

  “Yeah, except your shit is my shit and Jilly’s too. Don’t you think it’s a bit fucking selfish to go off and do whatever the hell you feel like doing without thinking about how it might affect us?”

  I liked to think of myself as the level-headed and fair one in this trio but damn, Dylan managed to point out how I was a fucking hypocrite.

  “Fine,” I said with a glower. “It was selfish of me to talk to Lora before talking to you guys first. Are you happy? Do you feel better?”

  “Yeah, a little,” Dylan answered with a tiny smirk. “Don’t you feel better admitting that you acted like a little bitch who could’ve got all of us killed?”

  I rolled my eyes. “A little dramatic don’t you think?”

  “Not really.”

  “Look, I conceded your point. That’s all you’re going to get from me so take the win and shut the fuck up about it, okay?”

  Dylan smiled and downed another shot. “Fine,” she said, capping the bottle. “I’ll be gone tonight. Got a job with Badger. You good here?”

  I gave her a mock salute. “All good, boss. No plans to sneak off.”

  “Good. Lock the door behind me.”

  “You’re not my mom,” I called after her, locking the door as she left. I let out a long sigh, tired as fuck. Emotionally I was spun out. I didn’t know how long I could live like this. I wasn’t ready for this to be my new reality but I didn’t have any other options just yet.

  At least my belly was full. Badger was a scary dick but he made a mean pot of spaghetti. The best my mom could do was box mac and cheese and never the actual brand kind but the generic shit that tasted like the cheese powder had been scraped off the cement walls of a cheese factory.

  Jilly joined me at the table. “You know, she doesn’t mean to
be such a hard-ass about everything. She was really worried when you didn’t answer your phone.”

  “I had it on silent and it was in my backpack,” I said. “I would’ve answered if I’d seen it ringing. I guess I hadn’t expected anyone to call.” I paused a minute then added, “I’m sorry about worrying you guys. I wasn’t thinking.”

  “I understand. Makes sense. I mean, I get why Dylan didn’t think it was a good idea but I get why you had to do it, too.”

  I smiled, appreciative of her support. A part of me wanted to hold myself back from Dylan and Jilly. They weren’t people I would’ve met and befriended organically but whether we liked it or not we were bonded together. I didn’t know what that meant for the future but for now, we were stuck.

  “So…did you tell your friend everything that’d happened?” Jilly asked, curious.

  “The Cliff Notes,” I answered. “I left out some of the more upsetting elements of the story.”

  “Everything was upsetting,” Jilly said, adding, “Except the massage part. That felt really good. But then it was ruined by the enema situation. I had no idea enemas were so disgusting.”

  I laughed despite the topic. “Yeah, I can go the rest of my life never experiencing that again.” For that matter, the waxing, too. I nodded, agreeing, “The massage was really nice.”

  The memory of what the masseuse whispered to me before I was shuffled on stuck to me. “I got the impression the masseuse was once an auction girl, too.”

  “Yeah? Why do you think that?”

  “A hunch? She seemed to know a lot about The Avalon and how things were run but she whispered something to me privately and it felt like she was trying to help me.”

  “Like what?”

  “She said, ‘Be pleasant and agreeable. It’s the only way.’”

  “Meaning?”

  I think she meant if I pleased my buyer I might get an offer to elevate and that would be the only way to walk out alive from this deal.” I bit my lip as I recalled the memory. “And there was a sense of urgency to her tone even though she tried to hide it. The only way she would’ve known that I was in danger of never coming back was if she’d been through it before.”