I was consumed by images of Wyatt and me in his bed, the way his lips had felt, the way his big hands, slightly rough, touched me. And I couldn’t push away the memory of the feel of him inside me, so deep I had never quite felt so strongly while having sex.
And it was the biggest mistake of my life.
I had known I would regret it, I had known it wouldn’t bring me anything but a mess, but I didn’t expect to hurt on top of it. I was such an idiot for thinking he would treat me decently afterward. Would it have been so difficult to be treated like a human being? Like I was worth something at least?
For him, I had only been a means to an end, so he would get off and fuck me over at the same time. I bet he got off even more on this.
I had understood it would only be a one-night stand and it was fine with me, but feeling like nothing at all was something else. In fact, the tender part of me, the one raw from meeting Lydia and finally discovering more about my birth mother and biological family told me that he slept with me because he knew it would drive me farther away from his precious family.
He had been honest just once, and I did not doubt it. He was afraid of losing his family.
Well, he wanted me away from his adoptive mother, and he succeeded brilliantly, even getting off on it and hurting the one person he felt threatened by.
I pulled my jacket closer to my body as a chill ran over me that had nothing with the hot and humid air. My feet hurt from walking in high heels through the streets and I barely had any feeling left in my toes. I glanced up the street and found a cab parked and waiting near a bar. I hurried up and crossed the street, ready to put this night behind me.
I needed a shower to rinse off any remnant of Wyatt’s touch on my body. If only it would be as easy to get him off my mind too.
One thing was for sure; I hated him as I had never hated someone in my life.
MARISSA
“I don’t know what to say,’’ Sophie blurted after a full minute spent processing my words.
It’s been a whole week since that night with Wyatt. For a full week I had been going through the motion of work, sleep, eat and repeat. I had avoided my friends. I would only talk when asked something.
I had been lost in thoughts, all more self-deprecating than the last. I was disgusted with him, but I was also so disappointed in myself. I was better than jumping into bed with the first attractive man hitting on me. I had known from day one that Wyatt was bad news, but the appeal of having sex with him was stronger. And for what end? An earth-shattering orgasm followed by silence, a silence so hard and heavy that it had suffocated me.
A one-night stand was supposed to be about two people using each other, but I had naïvely believed that it could be done with respect. And without the insight that it would drive me away from the Burtons. What a wake-up call.
“Are you okay? Marissa, hey?’’
I jerked out of my thoughts and smiled ruefully at Sophie as we’re served our drink order. I had a hard time looking at her sweet face and sympathetic smile. I didn’t like to be this kind of woman, the kind too dumb to stay away from a man who wasn’t good news. So instead of looking at her, I fixed the beer in front of me and ignored the pang at the thought that the last time I came here, I was with him.
“I’m an idiot. I shouldn’t have—‘’
“Oh no. You stop right here.’’ She grabbed one of my hands on top of the table and squeezed until I locked eyes with her. Her blue eyes conveyed a strength I didn’t quite feel right now. “We’ve all had sex with an asshole at least once, Marissa. That doesn’t make you an idiot. He’s the idiot for being so… Well so…’’ She shook her head and rolled her eyes when she couldn’t find a suitable word. “You know what? He doesn’t deserve to be mentioned ever again. At least, it was stellar sex. Believe me, sometimes you can get an asshole, and you don’t even get an orgasm in return. It’s even worse.’’
I chuckled and shook my head. The stretch of my lips hurt my cheeks after spending days without so much as a weak smile on my usually smiling face. “I can always count on you to shed light on this fuckedupness.’’
“You know you do. But I’m sorry. I mean, I’m the one who pushed you to get close to him.’’
“Come on, Sophie. We both know I was attracted to him.’’ I took a swig of my beer, and she mirrored me. “Anyway, it’s done and over now. He wanted me out of his life, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.’’
“What about your birth mother?’’
“I went to meet her to know who she was and where I came from. I have my answers so now…’’ I trailed off and lost myself in the amber color of the beer in the tall glass. “I’m moving on.’’
“Mar,’’ she sighed, and I didn’t need to ask her what it was. I knew all too well. I wasn’t ready to move on.
“Let’s talk about something else instead. What’s going on with your family?’’
Her eyes probed, but I didn’t break down. I didn’t want to think about all of this anymore. Right now, I only wanted to focus on my friend and stop the pity party I had been having all week. After a few more sips of beer, she finally let it go and started talking about her last chat with her mother.
I had my issues with Wyatt and the fact that I got to meet my biological mother, but Sophie was always stuck with family drama, and yet she was always pushing through. I should follow her lead, and everything would be alright. It had to. After all, it had only been sex. It didn’t mean anything.
***
WYATT
I put down the dirty dishes in the sink. If I listened carefully, I could hear Ava’s laughter outside while she played with Ralph and my father. Usually, I’d be the first one to swing around my little sister until her light laughs full of joy filled me and the darkness ever present inside me subsided, even if only temporarily, but this time around I hid in my parents' kitchen.
This past week had been hard, more so than I imagined it would. A one night stand had never had such an impact on me, leaving me unsettled whenever I locked eyes with my mother, whenever I had too much time to think.
Marissa haunted me.
“What are you doing in here?’’ my mother asked, walking in the kitchen with the empty serving plate in her hands.
I looked away when I noticed the rings under her eyes and how pale she was. Meeting her biological daughter had rocked her more than she wanted to acknowledge. Once again, anger took hold of me, making me grip the countertop tightly until my joints ached, burning as hot as the anger inside.
Marissa fucked up my mother, fucked me up.
But at the same time, she didn’t do a damn thing wrong. I did by fucking her. I had wanted her fiercely, that’s not a lie, but I had also wanted her away from my family, and I had known fucking her would do just that.
“Just putting the dishes in the sink.’’ I shrugged and went to walk away when her hand on my arm stopped me.
“You never put the dishes in the sink unless I ask you to. What’s wrong?’’
I closed my eyes for a moment, hoping the damn pain in my fucking chest would go away, but it didn’t. Everything hurt these days. It all hung over my head, and it felt like if I made a single wrong move, it’d all fall over me and bury me until I didn’t exist anymore. My mother wouldn’t be able to look at me like she did right now if she knew I had sex with her daughter or if she knew the ugly reason why I did.
“Nothing’s wrong.’’
“Wyatt,’’ she sighed and grabbed my hand, squeezing it tightly before she led me to the kitchen table, forcing me to sit with her.
She used to do the same thing when I was an angry teenager, always bottling up everything until I turned mute or would only open my trap to utter grunts and poisonous words. She had never given up, and at some point, our little chats in the kitchen became our thing. It used to warm me up and put my fears to rest for a little while, but this time it was the opposite.
Fear clogged my mind until I was the same eight-year-old boy shiverin
g in dirty clothes and waiting for social service to find somewhere for me to go after my father dropped me off and relinquished his parental rights. Only now, I was a twenty-four-year-old man, and I was pathetic, trapped in my insecurities and fears until it turned me into a despicable human being, someone I knew my adoptive family wouldn’t be proud calling their own.
“Talk to me,’’ my mother said, cajoling me with her voice that had always been able to calm me and make me believe that everything was possible for me. I knew better.
“I have nothing to say, Mom.’’
She patted my hand and then sat back, straightening the table set in front of her. “You used to say the same thing when you first came here to live with us. Do you remember what I told you?’’
Reluctantly, a small smile stretched my lips upward. It’s stiff and probably pitiful to look at, but it’s there, and it helped to chase away some of the darkness swallowing me more and more as minutes ticked. “You always said that it’s impossible to have nothing to say. There’s always something, even if it’s only to talk about the weather.’’
“And as the smart-ass you are, you went into a very long and detailed description of the day’s weather.’’ She laughed softly, eyes turned away as if reliving those memories. “It took you almost a year to open up to me.’’ She sighed and stared back at me. Her eyes with such a unique color reminded me so much of Marissa that I tensed again. “Don’t push me away again, Wyatt. We’re past that, don’t you think?’’
“I’m fine. I swear.’’ I leaned back in the chair and shrugged as if I wasn’t plagued with doubts, fears, and regrets as if I didn’t want to punch my damn face and at the same time run away. “And you?’’
“Me? I’m fine. I’m not the one frowning at everybody. Ava even asked me if you were mad at us.’’
“Shit.’’ I raised a hand to my face and rubbed roughly, abandoning the fake nonchalance. “I’m sorry. I’ve got stuff on my mind, but nothing important. I’ll talk to Ava.’’
She stood up and walked to me to kiss the top of my head. “It’s fine if you don’t want to talk to me, but don’t keep it all locked up. We’re all here for you. Always.’’
Always.
Not if you knew I fucked your biological daughter.
Not if you knew I did it not only because I wanted her but because I wanted her out of my fucking life and away from my family.
Not if you knew how much darkness I still had inside.
Not if you knew how fucking twisted I was because, given half a chance, I’d probably fuck Marissa again.
Instead, I turned my head away.
MARISSA
I need to talk to you. Can we meet? - Ralph
I’d been looking at this text for the better part of my free day. I couldn’t bring myself to write something back, but I couldn’t stop myself from hovering over the screen as if I was almost on the brink of writing something back.
Ralph had done nothing wrong, and I stood by my first impression of him from when I had met him that fateful day. He was a nice laid back guy. But he was also his best friend.
My throat tightened at the thought of Wyatt. I was still trying to deal with my mistake and failing miserably. I didn’t think I’d ever been the kind of woman who would let her libido and a sexy package get the best of her. I hated that he used me knowing perfectly well that it would push me away from Lydia. I should be the bigger person and forget about him and resume my life and maybe even contact Lydia, but it was asking too much of me.
Meeting Lydia had been a turning point for me, a moment in my life I knew I would always remember and think of. It changed a part of me, giving me answers where I needed them and also hitting me square where I didn’t even know I could hurt. A part of me got lost, and Wyatt only amplified this tenfold.
Come on. Don’t ignore me. - Ralph
I started when the new text came through. I nibbled on my lip and brought a hand to behind my ear to touch the birds tattooed there. I shook my head and looked around my tiny apartment decorated with second-hand furniture that didn’t fully match, but created a cozy atmosphere I enjoyed. The TV, small and nothing to boast about, played an episode of Gilmore Girls, my go-to TV series when I felt poorly and needed a pick me up.
I should be out with Sophie to get some coffee and maybe catch a movie at the theater, but instead, I holed up in my apartment to lick my still tender wounds. I didn’t like this person I was turning into.
Frowning, I gripped my phone tighter and quickly typed a text.
What is it? - Marissa
It’s not my business, but what happened with W? - Ralph
I closed my eyes, both in relief and pain. Pain for the harsh reminder of that night and relief knowing Ralph didn’t know what went down. I should probably be thankful that Wyatt didn’t go into details as to how he made me come and how easy I had been.
You said it. Not your business. Drop it. - Marissa
Fuck. What did he do to you? - Ralph
I laughed hollowly in my apartment, the sound a poor echo to one of the characters’ laughter in Gilmore Girls. I put my phone on my lap and tightened my messy ponytail. Wyatt hadn't done much more than many men would have in his shoes. When a man had an opening with a woman, I bet he didn’t go into much or any inner debate as to yes, or no he would follow through and fuck the woman’s brains out.
It’s not important. It’s all fine. I’m done talking or thinking about him. I have to go. - Marissa
I turned off my phone and grabbed the remote from the old battered coffee table I got at a thrift shop and turned the volume louder until the sound of the TV drowned out my thoughts and eased off the anger that seemed to follow me every time I talked or thought of Wyatt.
***
WYATT
“Why do you always try to push people away, huh?’’
I stumbled on the treadmill and caught myself right before I lamely fell in front of the midday Monday crowd. It’s my day off, but with the restless energy I had, I decided to come here and work out.
I locked eyes with Ralph and scowled at him, finding my fast pace again. Sweat dripped down my face, narrowly missing my eyes. I gripped the towel around my neck and dried myself, still running fast as Ralph stood in front of my treadmill, arms crossed and eyes boring a hole in my damn head.
“What the fuck are you on?’’
“Marissa.’’
Her name alone had me tensing and my sore muscles burned. I pushed the button to stop the treadmill and jumped down. “What about her?’’
“Damn it, you fucked her,’’ he uttered from behind me, stopping me in my tracks. I glanced over my shoulder and found him shaking his head, his arms uncrossed and hanging at his sides. “Don’t tell me you did it just because you wanted her away.’’
At my silence he cursed and walked away without a look for me, going straight to the smoothie bar. I dried my face again with the towel and stalked to him.
He’s leaning against the bar, fingers tapping on the top while Brandy, a tall college-age blonde, made him his smoothie, her back to him. He didn’t look my way, even when I made sure to bump into him, but he wasn't checking the girl out either.
“Don’t start on me, Ralph,’’ I growled, my voice low, but threatening all the same. I pushed my back harder against the bar and crossed my arms, eyes trained on the vast room of the gym.
“Don’t go there, man.’’ He sighed, and in the corner of my eyes, I saw him cringe. “You’re my best friend, but sometimes I don’t get you. You let your fucked up thoughts get the best of you.’’
“You don’t know anything.’’
“I don’t? So, you didn’t fuck Marissa and treated her like shit to make sure she’d stay as far away from you and your family?’’ At my silence, he chuckled, but it rubbed me the wrong way. “Yeah, I know you fuckin' well, Wyatt. You can’t bullshit me like you do so many people.’’
“Then why are you still my friend?’’ My damn heart beat harder at the thought of
losing my best friend, my only true friend. He had seen me do some fucked up shit over the years but always stood by me. Maybe screwing over a nice young woman would be the last draw. I wouldn’t blame him.
“Because I know you’re not that bad when you look through your bullshit.’’ He sighed and quickly thanked Brandy when she handed him his smoothie. “Listen, Marissa barely answered my texts earlier, and I think she’s taking it badly. I told you she’s a nice girl. She’s not a threat to you.’’
“You also said you’d do her if you had an opening.’’
“Yes, as in, I want to sleep with her without other motives. You went too far.’’
“It’s not like I didn’t want to fuck her, Ralph. Come on. She’s hot.’’
He slurped his smoothie noisily and started walking to one of the high tables near the bay windows. Reluctantly, I followed him, my feet like lead on the floor and it had very little to do with my aching calves.
“But the main reason why you had sex with her isn’t that she’s hot.’’
I rolled my eyes and put my elbows on the tabletop, leaning heavily against it. “We sound like chicks having a debate about my last sexual experience. Come on! I fucked her, told her to leave, and that’s the end of it. She knew it wasn’t more than a one-night stand.’’
“Yeah well, I don’t know how you proceed, but when I have a one-night stand, I’m kind to the woman who got me laid. You know, she’s let me put my cock inside her so…’’
“Congrats then, you’re a better man than me. Fucking surprising.’’ I glared at him and pushed away from the table, ready to head out.
“Man up and realize that you’ve fucked up,’’ he called after me, voice tight.
I turned back around and fixed my best friend, glare for glare, body so fucking tense I felt like pounding something to get that damn energy out of me. “I already know that.’’
Messy Love Page 11
