Dallin beamed. “I got him pretty good, didn’t I?”
“Like a hurricane.”
“Hold on.”
Dallin stopped and turned. Looking back at the stadium—the lights, the empty bleachers, the haggard players, the happy fans and families, the odors of dirt, grass, blood, and sweat—he smiled. He looked so content, so football-is-awesome-and-as-long-as-I’m-here-I-have-nothing-to-complain-about.
Zoey decided to apply the same attitude to her cooking. Forget the media. Forget the awards. Forget the attention. Slow down. Enjoy every taste. Every smell. Every texture. Every color. The looks on people’s faces when they bit into something delicious.
They continued homeward.
Dallin said, “Hey, what should we do tonight?”
“I feel like cooking. How does pizza sound?”
“Suh-weet.”
“What sounds better: Bacon Chestnut Mushroom or Thai Peanut Chicken?”
“Pepperoni.”
“Pepperoni and what?”
“Just pepperoni.”
“So…no twists, no ethnic blending, no innovative flair, just plain ol’ pepperoni?”
“You can throw some cheese on it if you want.”
“Huh. I’ve never made a just-pepperoni pizza. Sounds fun.”
As they walked into the night, Zoey held Dallin’s arm tight, cherishing how real it felt—the skin, the hair, the dirt, the scars, the bruises…
It was better than holding a trophy.
After a four-week trial, a judge sentenced Chef Cannoli to fifteen years in prison. Cannoli spends his days volunteering in the cafeteria. His fellow inmates say the food has never tasted better.
After seizing all of Chef Cannoli’s assets, including his restaurant, Mulberry Bank declared Zoey’s debt “paid in full and then some.”
Knuckles and Miss Lemon got married, then moved to Mexico to “lie low for a while.” Once a week, Zoey gets a phone call from Knuckles’s parole officer. “Hey, you haven’t heard from Knuckles, have you?” Zoey plans to change her number.
Unable to choose between two adoring women, Four tried dating them both: one on weekends, the other on weekdays. The scheme lasted forty-eight hours. He’s single again.
Dallin consumed fifteen Domino’s pizzas in one hour, earning him a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records. Tums offered him a college scholarship.
Valentine bought a new trumpet. Monk bought a new piano. Bird spilled coffee on said piano. Monk took Bird to small claims court. A judge told Monk and Bird to get over it. Gershwin bought a new hat.
Fat Jo gave up donuts, got way into yoga, and lost seventy-five pounds. No one knows what to call him now.
Chef Pao is still a jerk, but his moo goo gai pan is tastier than ever.
Royston Basil Boarhead had a falling-out with his mustache. No one recognizes him anymore.
Jambalaya Barbos still lives in his parents’ basement.
Under new management, the Rainy Days Diner was converted to a Chuck E. Cheese’s. SF Weekly deemed it “the most depressing Chuck E. Cheese’s ever.”
Chef Zoey Kate divides her time between the Hurricane Dal Fan Club (she’s the founder and president) and plotting her next restaurant venture.
Zoey Kate here. (Yes, the Zoey Kate.) Hey, remember all those awesome dishes you just read about? Well, today is your lucky day, because I’m about to share three of them with you. I hope you’re not wearing shoes, because I’m about to knock your socks off, Zoeylicious-style!
But first, disclaimers:
According to my lawyer, the agents at Allstate Insurance, and the doctors at Memorial Hospital’s Burn Center, not all kids are genius chef prodigies. As such, I must advise you not to attempt any of these recipes without the assistance of a parent or legal guardian. That way, if you accidentally cut off one of your fingers or burn down your house, you can’t sue me. (I so don’t have time for a lawsuit right now.)
Also, taking into account that you probably don’t have a fire pit, and that some cooking skills (instinct, gut feelings, oneness with ingredients) are unteachable, I’ve made minor alterations to my original recipes in hopes of maximizing your chances for culinary awesomeness.
Enough talk. Let’s cook.
Serves 1
Ingredients
1 bag Ghirardelli Dark 60% Cacao Squares, 80 count
4 Peanut Butter Twix bars
6-pack bottled water, distilled
24 ounces Eagle Ranch Pistachios (optional)
1 change of socks
1 sturdy backpack*
1 ride to the airport
1 plane ticket to San Francisco International Airport
1 map to 816 Francisco Street (if I’m not home, wait on porch)
50 bucks
1 tip
Altoids
Gas-X (recommended)
1.Board plane.
2.Enjoy flight with above-mentioned provisions.
3.Take cab to 816 Francisco Street.
4.Eat pork chops I serve you upon arrival.
5.Let food digest before walking.
6.Replace socks.
*I recognize that not everyone has access to a sturdy backpack. So, for my backpack-challenged readers, I’ve included a Plan B recipe on the following page.
Serves 2
Chocolate Mole Sauce
2 tbsps coconut oil
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 medium onion, chopped
2 medium tomatoes, chopped
1 tsp dried oregano
½ tsp ground coriander
1 tsp cumin
¼ tsp cinnamon
2 tbsps chili powder
4 cups chicken broth
2 tbsps raisins
3 tbsps slivered almonds
½ unripe banana
2 ½ ounces 86% dark chocolate, chopped
Apple-Cranberry Compote
2 Granny Smith apples
2 tbsps butter
¼ cup dried cranberries
2 tbsps brown sugar
¼ tsp cinnamon
⅓ cup cold water
2 tsps cornstarch
Pork Chops
2 six-ounce boneless pork chops
Salt, to taste
Pepper, to taste
1 tbsp butter
Freshly chopped cilantro, for garnish
1.First, make chocolate mole sauce. Melt coconut oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add garlic, onion, and tomatoes, and cook, stirring occasionally, until onions are translucent. Add oregano, coriander, cumin, cinnamon, and chili powder, and stir to combine.
2.Add chicken broth and increase heat to medium-high. Boil for 10 to 12 minutes, until liquid has reduced by about 25%. Remove from heat and let cool for a few minutes.
3.Pour mixture into the pitcher of a blender. Add raisins, almonds, and banana and blend on high until smooth.
4.Pour mixture back into saucepan and set over low heat. Add chocolate and stir thoroughly to combine. Cover and move saucepan to back burner over very low heat to keep warm.
5.Next, make apple-cranberry compote. Peel, core, and quarter apples. Cut into slices ¼-inch thick.
6.Melt butter in a skillet over medium heat. Add apples and cranberries and toss to coat with butter. Sauté, tossing occasionally, until apples are tender and just beginning to brown, about 7 minutes. Add brown sugar and cinnamon and toss to coat apples evenly.
7.In a small bowl, combine cold water and cornstarch. Whisk to combine. Add to skillet and cook about 30 seconds more, stirring as sauce comes together. Remove from heat, cover to keep warm, and set aside.
8.For the pork chops, season both sides of each chop with salt and pepper. Melt butter in a skillet over medium heat. Add pork chops and cook until golden brown on first side, about 4 minutes (longer if chops are thicker than ¾-inch). Flip and cook on second side until golden brown, about another 4 minutes. Center of chops should be opaque with no pink remaining.
9.To serve, divide apple cranberry compote betwee
n two plates. Place a pork chop on top of each compote portion. Spoon chocolate mole sauce generously over pork chops. Garnish with freshly chopped cilantro, if desired.
10.Remove socks before eating. Just to be safe.
Makes 1 nine-inch cheesecake
Crust
1 ½ cups graham-cracker crumbs (11 full sheets, crushed)
¼ cup sugar
5 tbsps butter, melted
Filling
4 eight-ounce packages cream cheese, at room temperature
4 eggs, at room temperature
1 ¼ cups sugar
1 cup sour cream, at room temperature
1 tbsp vanilla
Topping
1 ½ cups mini marshmallows
2 1.55-ounce milk chocolate bars, coarsely chopped
Caramel sauce, optional
1.Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease the bottom and sides of a 9-inch springform pan.
2.In a medium bowl, combine graham-cracker crumbs, sugar, and butter, and mix well. Press crumb mixture evenly into bottom of pan and about 1 inch up the sides to form crust.
3.Bake in preheated oven until edges begin to brown, about 10 minutes. Let cool. Reduce oven temperature to 325°F.
4.Once crust has cooled, wrap bottom and sides of pan with a large sheet of aluminum foil. Then place wrapped springform pan inside a roasting pan. Set aside.
5.Fill a medium saucepan with water and set over high heat to boil.
6.Place cream cheese in the bowl of an electric mixer and beat on medium speed until creamy. Add eggs one at a time, mixing at medium-low speed just until each egg is incorporated, before adding the next. Scrape down sides of bowl with rubber spatula. Add sugar, then sour cream, and finally the vanilla, mixing after each addition. Be careful not to overmix, as this can cause the batter to form air bubbles.
7.Pour batter into the prepared springform pan. Smooth out the top of the batter with a rubber spatula. Pour boiling water into the roasting pan until it comes about halfway up the sides of the springform pan. Place in oven and bake for 1 hour. Turn the oven off. Do not open oven door or remove cake from oven for at least 2 hours. This is to prevent the cake from cracking.
8.Remove springform pan from water bath and discard aluminum foil. Cover and refrigerate overnight.
9.Prior to serving, preheat oven to broil. Run a thin knife around the inside of the springform pan and remove ring. Spread mini marshmallows in a single layer on top of cake, pressing in very gently.
10.Place under broiler just until marshmallows are golden brown, about 30 seconds. Sprinkle chopped chocolate over marshmallows and serve while marshmallows are still warm. If desired, drizzle each slice with caramel sauce.
Serves 1
Ingredients
1 lime
1 tbsp honey
1 tbsp club soda
1 cucumber
1 cup ice
Lime wedge, for garnish
1.Juice lime into a small bowl, yielding approximately 2 tablespoons juice. Add honey and club soda and whisk until combined.
2.Peel cucumber and cut in half lengthwise. Use a spoon to scoop seeds out of one half. Save second half for another use. Chop scooped-out cucumber half into a few pieces.
3.Pour lime-juice mixture into the pitcher of a blender. Add cucumber chunks and ice. Blend on high until smooth.
4.Pour into a wineglass and garnish with a lime wedge.
You’re welcome.
—Z
…to the Father and the Son, for a million answered prayers.
…to Kate, for loving and encouraging and baking and being-proud-of-me-ing.
…to Zoey, for inspiring.
…to Dallin, for being.
…to my parents, for laughing at all the right parts.
…to Jun Wang, whom I met in a library, for the Chinese lessons.
…to my agent, Sara Sciuto of Fuse Literary, for her awesome.
…to my editor, Kieran Viola, for her also awesome.
…to Heather Crowley, editorial assistant, for her stellar editorial assistant-ing.
…to Jessie Ward, chef extraordinaire, for channeling Zoey to come up with the awesome recipes included in this book.
You’re done.
Go eat some cookies or something.
Ryan K. Sager is a guy who wrote a book. This book. He wrote this author blurb too. Used third person for some reason. After surviving a bus-hijacking in Venezuela, a precarious commute in Puerto Rico, and drinking tap water in Southern California, Ryan moved to Utah to be closer to his favorite hospitals. He’s got a cute wife who loves to bake cupcakes, a cute daughter who loves to bake cookies, and expensive dental insurance.
This is his debut novel. You can visit Ryan at ryanksager.com.
The World's Greatest Chocolate-Covered Pork Chops Page 18
