Looking for a new dream was the way to go. If I couldn’t be a wife and mom, I could find something else I liked, something that fulfilled me. Something I could be happy with. Or could convince myself I was happy enough with to not think about what my life was missing.
“How can you say that?” Riley said when she found her voice. “All you’ve ever wanted was to be a mom.”
I shrugged as if giving up my one dream in life was no big deal. Spending the night with Drew confirmed, as much as anything, that it wouldn’t happen. Drew was the only man I’d been with in a while and what we had was a fling, at best. I was getting older by the day and the longer I went without a relationship the more I feared I wouldn’t get married before my body couldn’t have kids.
It hurt to say I was ready to give up on becoming a mom. But it hurt even more to keep believing it could happen and be let down again and again.
“I still want it, Riles, but I just don't think it’ll happen. I guess I’m willing to give it up because I don’t think it’s something I could have anyway. It doesn’t matter how much I want to be a mom, without a willing partner, I’m not going to be one.”
“You could adopt,” Riley suggested half-heartedly.
I shook my head. “You know I don’t want to do that. I want to be a stay at home mom, a full time mom. If I were a single mom it wouldn’t be possible. I’d rather give up being a mom then fight to adopt and then feel like I was only able to be half a mom.”
Riley watched me, waiting for the tears she knew were going to come. I fought them, holding them in by squeezing my eyes shut. I shook my head when Riley’s hand covered mine, but she didn’t let go.
When I could finally open my eyes without risking a flood, I took in the worried expression on Riley’s face. “Okay, what about your job then. Is this really something you could be happy with long term?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know, Riles. I like it a lot more than I ever liked my old job, but I know there’s more I could do. I’ve offered a few times, but both Drew and Xander aren’t letting me do different things.”
“Well, you only just started. Maybe they don’t know what they would have you do, or they don’t have other work for you.”
I shook my head. “That’s the thing. I think they do know what they want me to do, but for some reason neither of them will let me help. They’ve got this new project and I know I can help, but they both told me not to worry about it.”
“They’re not like Beth, are they?”
“No. I don’t think so. I just want to feel useful.”
Riley rested her hand on mine. “You are useful. Give them a chance. You’ve only been there a couple weeks.”
I felt bad not telling Riley about everything. I wasn’t lying about the work, but I felt like I was giving her a bad impression of Drew. I wanted her to like him. I’d never been one of those women who put a man before anything else, especially friends, but Drew was different somehow. Not only did he occupy my thoughts, but I loved working with him. I could see us being friends under different circumstances. I just wasn’t sure Riley would understand.
“I really like working at XD. I know it’s not something impressive like owning my own business, but they’ve really given me a lot of flexibility.”
“Okay, first of all, I don’t think your job isn’t worthwhile just because you don’t own the company. I thought you knew me better than that. Second, I want you happy. Since you’ve started working there you seem to be less and less happy. I can’t put my finger on what it is, but you’re quieter. I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me, but I have no idea what it could be. Maybe it’s me, but my gut says there’s something going on that I don’t know about. Third, I’m glad you’re enjoying your job, but if that’s the case then why aren’t you happier?”
I couldn’t tell her the truth. Riley couldn’t know that I was struggling to control my feelings for my boss. After the first time we hooked up I had no intention of telling anyone. When Drew turned out to be Xander’s best friend and my new boss it was mortifying to tell anyone.
I honestly thought I could get over it. The memory of Drew’s hands on me, of having him in my mouth in his office, of the best orgasm of my life… I couldn’t let go of it. Once he admitted he’d been similarly affected I felt better, but screwing my boss on his desk was, again, something I was ashamed to admit to. I didn’t want them to think I’d slept with him to get, or keep, my job.
After spending the night together I was confused. If I admitted everything now Riley would wonder why I didn’t want her to know. Besides that, Drew didn’t want Xander to know. The only reason a man would want to keep the woman he was sleeping with secret from his best friend was if he was embarrassed.
I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but it stung that Drew told me how beautiful I was in private then hid whatever was going on between us when we were around others.
“I’m happy, Riles. I’m just lonely. The only other one of us not in a relationship is Charlie but she’s got Bite Me! to keep her busy all the time. Now, with Mandy pregnant, it’s hitting home how much is lacking in my life. How little I have. It’s an adjustment for me to face everyone else having what I want. I mean, in theory, not that I want any of your men. They’re great, but not for me. Shit, you know what I mean.”
“Are you sure?”
I nodded and assured her it was fine. “I’m a little worried about the company not taking off and losing my job, but really I’m just having trouble feeling so alone. I’ll adjust. It’s just different knowing I can’t call you whenever I want to do something or stop by.”
“Why can’t you?” Riley argued.
“Riles, you know why I can’t.”
Riley nodded, knowing exactly what I was talking about. I knew she didn’t like it but she couldn’t deny it.
We spent the rest of the lunch talking about other things. Before long we were heading out and I was going home to prepare myself mentally for visiting Mom and Megan.
~*~
The drive to Mom’s house, the house I grew up in, wasn’t long, but I rarely made it. As a family we’d been close when I was little but everything changed when my dad died.
Not only was I built like my dad, but we shared a lot of the same personality traits. I got my dry sense of humor from him, not to mention my love of sports and cooking. In a complete role reversal, Dad was the chef in our family. He loved food and enjoyed working with it. He was the youngest of four boys and had spent a lot of time with his mom. My grandma, never having a daughter, treated my dad like the girl in the family, teaching him to cook and clean, and showing him the benefits of having someone at home dedicated to taking care of the kids.
My dad put the same values into me and started my desire to become a full time mom.
When Dad died everything changed. Mom and Dad were so in love which kept our family tight. Megan and Mom were close and Dad and I hung out so the four of us could be together and felt like one cohesive unit. Once he was gone, my anchor wasn’t there and I felt like a boat adrift within my family.
Mom tried to reach out to me, but we didn’t have anything in common. It became increasingly obvious that we were strangers as I became a teenager then an adult. Even at 27 I felt like the only reason we still talked was out of obligation. It didn’t help that my mom and Megan had lunch almost every week and talked every day.
I parked my beaten up Honda behind Megan’s nearly new Audi. Yeah, I was jealous. Megan worked hard, or at least she made it sound like she did, but I had my doubts that a weather girl did a whole lot.
Yep, my little sister was the bombshell everyone watched on Channel 5 every night.
After a quick knock I let myself into the house. Voices drifted from the kitchen and I followed them until I found Megan and Mom at the stove. I nearly laughed since Mom hated to cook, but she had to learn to feed herself at some point. I sort of assumed Megan had a private chef to take care of her, but I’d never asked.
&nb
sp; “Carrie!” Mom exclaimed when she noticed me standing there. She set the spoon on the counter and rushed over to me, wrapping me in a hug. It was familiar and not at the same time. I wanted to sink into my mom’s embrace, but I’d never done so before and there was no reason to.
“Hi Mom,” I said as I patted her back. “How are you?”
“Oh, I’m just glad both my girls are here. This is a great treat for me.”
Let the guilt trip begin.
Mom was always inviting me over, but I made up one excuse or another. About once every couple months I’d give in and go visit, but she invited me weekly. I knew Megan was always there for these Saturday night dinners so I never felt badly for Mom. After all, she was with the kid Mom liked the best anyway. I didn’t need to intrude.
“I’m glad I could be here,” I mumbled, not really meaning it, but feeling like it needed to be said.
Megan came over and hugged me the same way Mom had and I wondered what was going on. Was Mom sick? Megan never hugged me.
“Are you guys okay?” I asked warily when Megan let go.
Megan smiled her on-camera smile and nodded. “Great. It’s just good to see you, sis.”
“Okay,” I said, still confused. “What’s for dinner?”
“Ravioli. I got the good ones from Mondoza and bought the sauce you said you liked.”
“Seriously, what is going on? Am I being punked or something?”
“What does that mean?” Mom asked the same time Megan said, “Of course not. Mom’s just excited to see you. It’s been a couple of months since you’ve been here. We were starting to wonder if you’d forgotten us.”
“Oh,” I muttered, feeling like an idiot. Had it really been that long since I’d been there for dinner? I tried to get over once a month, but maybe it had been a while.
Mom flipped the burner off and Megan carried the pot to the sink and drained the water. Mom stirred the sauce heating up in a pan and waited for Megan to bring the ravioli back. Megan poured the strained pasta into the sauce then Mom stirred it all up.
I was shocked. The two of them moved through the routine as though they’d done it many times before. It sent a pang through me that they were still so close and I was just standing by watching them together, as usual.
Megan pulled a salad out of the fridge and carried it to the table. Mom was right behind her with the pan of sauce coated ravioli. We all sat and served ourselves then fell into a moderately comfortable silence.
“How’s work Megan?” I asked to make conversation.
“It’s fine,” she said with a smile. “You know, lots of charts and predictions and everyone either hates you for getting it wrong or loves you for giving them another day of sunshine, like I have any control of it.” She laughed.
I narrowed my eyes. I had no idea what Megan actually did. Charts and predictions? I thought she just told everyone if it was nice out. I knew she went to college, but it sounded like she did a lot more than I ever gave her credit for.
“Do you like it?”
“Some days are better than others, but yeah. It’s challenging, but a lot of statistics, which I really like. Growing up the weather girls were pretty much eye candy, but I’m not like that. I mean, it matters what I look like, but I’m good at what I do and I’m respected within the industry for it.”
It was official. I was not only jealous of my sister, but didn’t know anything about her. My little sister had surpassed me, a person not only looked up to within her career but a local celebrity. The celebrity part didn’t bother me as much as knowing she was so much more than me.
My mom had always loved her more, but I was only jealous of how she’d pulled her life together. Megan wasn’t floundering like I was. She was stable, happy. She was the adult I wanted to be, living her life the way she wanted to.
Whereas I was still a mess. Not only was I working for a company that might fail, even though I enjoyed it, but I was nowhere near my dream life, in any way. The closest I had to a man in my life was my boss who didn’t want anyone to know about us.
We spent the rest of the evening making small talk. Megan told us stories about the other people she worked with, mostly the anchor, Bill, who everyone in town seemed to like. He’d recently gotten engaged to a kindergarten teacher and they were planning a huge wedding for the following spring.
Mom talked about her book club and her friends from work. She loved being a nurse and said she wasn’t going to retire anytime soon, even though she’d be 60 in less than a year. She worked on a shift with a bunch of other women close to her age and they’d all become close over the years. Once a week they got together, like I did with my friends, but they went out drinking and dancing.
It was scary when my mom acted younger than I did.
I kept quiet most of the night, not really feeling like I had much to contribute. I told them about my new job, leaving out any mention of Drew. I mentioned Mandy’s pregnancy, but they didn’t know her so it wasn’t significant.
Mom served cherry pie for dessert then I made my excuses to go home. I had nothing waiting for me there, but with every passing second I felt worse and worse about myself. At least at home I could drown my sorrows in tequila and ice cream.
I promised Mom and Megan I’d come back for dinner again soon but knew I wouldn’t. I’d avoid them like I had been for a few months. They both had their lives pulled together and it was time for me to do the same.
I just didn’t know how.
Eleven
Stolen kisses and secret touches made up the next week. Drew still didn’t want Xander to know anything about us, but he acted like he couldn’t keep his hands off me at work. When Xander was out on jobs Drew and I took advantage of the deserted office, and the large surface of his desk. We were getting pretty good at clearing off his desk without breaking anything.
The following Wednesday Xander asked me to join them for a meeting.
“We need to sit and go over where we are with all our projects. With both of us running out to check on different sites, we don’t have a chance to update each other. We’ve decided to have this meeting once a week so we all know where we’re at. You can use this information to feed the status reports you send out to clients each week. Then you’re not chasing us down on Fridays to find out how things are.” Xander grinned at me.
I smiled back and took a seat at the conference room table a few seats away from Drew. He cocked his head at me but didn’t say anything, of course. I focused on Xander and held my pen ready to take notes that I could record later on my computer.
“Okay, so first we have the Moore project,” Drew began. “I’m finishing up the last work on the kitchen. Countertops are in and we’re doing backsplash tomorrow. Appliances will be delivered Friday and then we’ll be out of there by the weekend.”
Xander nodded as I scribbled. “The Curtis property just kicked off this week. We demoed the floors yesterday and today they’re working on getting the new hardwood installed. We should be finished by the end of the week and moving on to the main bathroom.”
“Good. That’s a big project. The Stanton project is chugging along well too. We’ve moved from the floors and the walls to the cabinets. That place was a mess. But we’re making progress and it should be back on track in a week. What about the Stapleton project? When will we hear about that?”
Xander flipped pages and pointed to something before he looked up. “It sounds like it’s a go. We have a meeting with them tomorrow to sign the paperwork and will get started as soon as possible. It’s going to be huge for us.”
I sat back and listened as they talked about the other projects they had going on. When they finished the updates Drew turned the conversation to the town hall bid. “Okay so the town wants the entire building done. We’ve got three floors with seven conference rooms, eight bathrooms, seventeen separate office spaces, and the common areas. We need to come up with a general plan for the entire building.”
Holy shit. They weren’t kiddi
ng the project would be huge if they won it. I’d driven by town hall hundreds of times, but I never realized it was quite that large of a space.
“Our options are to either give each room a separate identity or to unify the entire building. I’m not sure which I’d prefer,” Xander said, studying the photos they had spread out on the conference room table.
“Yeah, I know. I like making the space unified, but with three different floors and so many different functions it’s hard to keep it all the same.”
“Why don’t you give each room its own distinct feel but unify the entire building with similar colors and styles. You could do the same flooring throughout the whole building and use shades of the same color on the walls or the same features in the bathrooms. You can still have each space feel unique but give the overall place one identity.”
Xander and Drew exchanged a look and seemed to have a silent conversation. I waited for them to tell me I was crazy. They both broke into a grin and nodded. “Yeah, that’ll work. We’re lucky to have you,” Xander said, scribbling his own notes. “I’d like to update things for the building, but keep some of the original integrity.”
“Definitely. I think we should do marble floors in the main hallways like they would have had when it was built, but some kind of low pile carpet in the office spaces and conference rooms to cut down on the noise. Maybe we could match the base colors for the two spaces so the difference isn’t as obvious.”
Xander was nodding as Drew spoke. I wrote down their ideas so they didn’t forget them later and have to start over.
“I’d say let’s go neutral on the floors and subtle on the walls. Then each space can be decorated a little and nothing will be too overpowering. We’ll have to have lighting in the conference rooms that can be turned up for meetings, but dimmed for presentations or more intimate settings.”
“Good point. I think we can get really creative with this project. Great idea, Carrie,” Drew complimented.
Husky & Hot Page 10
