by Olivia Fox
“Don’t make me jealous now, pumpkin,” he leered, sliming up against her neck then whispering something for her ears only. She giggled then turned to smile at him with a quick flutter of her eyelashes.
Anyone with eyes could see she was playing him. Urgh, Cayley, what are you doing?! Lily was dumbfounded. As Bateman left the little office, Cayley gave Lily a pointed look; she wasn’t about to talk about what had just happened. Lily raised her eyebrows then went back to retrieving the fax. She whipped it out and put it on her ‘to do’ pile, under a bunch of letters; she’d put it in her bag later, when Cayley was elsewhere.
“So,” said Cayley, eager to draw Lily’s thoughts away from Bateman, “What does Grayson want?”
“Nothing. Just some stuff he’d already sent through once but he couldn’t remember doing it so…” she fudged. Lily’s lie-capacity was, as ever, near non-existent. Cayley’s frown was forming again. Oh God, time to change the subject. “Did you sleep with Bateman?” Lily asked out of desperation.
“Lily!” Cayley gasped. “Of course not.” Though she looked away the moment she said it; not such a lie-expert either it seemed.
“O-kay…” Lily said, knowing she was making Cayley uncomfortable, but refusing to backtrack to the the ‘Grayson’ topic, “So, if you didn’t sleep with him, what did you do?”
“Nothing!” She protested. “Well… just a little B.J.”
Lily gasped. She tried to hide the disgust printed in bold type across her face, but it was hard. Bateman was a limpet of a man. Yeesh! The idea of Cayley putting his - thing - in her mouth… it was enough to make anyone grimace!
Cayley sighed, shaking her head at Lily. “Oh, Lily, you’ve always been so naive. It was one little blowjob. He’s married, and I’m not the slightest bit interested in him. He and I both knew it for what it was.”
“So what was it?”
Cayley cocked her head and raised an eyebrow as if Lily’s question proved her point. She sighed again. “It was a promotion. A position’s opened up, and Lewis - I mean, Bateman - thought I’d be well suited. I just wanted to… close the deal. Oh, for God’s sake don’t look at me like that.”
Lily looked away. She didn’t want to be judging her friend, but this felt pretty low. Had Cayley always been this way? So career-focused that she’d become blinkered about her own behaviour? Anything to climb that ladder.
“If… When I get the job, my position will be available. You should think about applying,” Cayley continued.
“Would I have to go down on you first?” The words slipped out before Lily had been able to reign them in. They were half meant to be funny; to lighten the mood. But Lily heard the criticism in her tone and regretted it instantly. “Sorry. That was low. I’m sorry.”
Cayley’s mouth formed a stern line as she turned her back on Lily, and walked out.
Shit. Way to go, Lily. How to make friends and influence people. Only one thing for it. Lily grabbed her coat and purse. Grayson’s contract could wait.
24
By the time Grayson arrived unexpectedly at Bellevue, Cayley and Lily were - if not firm friends - reasonably reconciled. A bunch of tulips and a box of Krispy Kremes had helped path Lily’s way back into Cayley’s good books, and both women were keen to put the morning behind them.
Earlier, Lily had sat on a down-turned loo-seat for half her lunch break, and had read the contract over at least six times. She still hadn’t signed. It seemed a little vague for her liking. So when Grayson sauntered in asking non-too-subtly if she had something for him, she shook her head and did her best to convey wordlessly that they needed to talk.
“You’re done here, I expect?” He asked Lily, looking to Cayley for confirmation.
“She’s free to go,” Cayley said, with just a dash of bitterness. Jealousy? Lily hoped not. Probably just the residue of a tense day in the office. Lily smiled hesitantly at Cayley, grabbed up her things and followed Grayson into the lift.
“I take it you’re not entirely happy with the contract? Want to come back to mine and look through it? I don’t live far.”
Lily stared at him. “I thought -”
“You thought I lived at Hatherly? Well, not officially. I’ve had a room there for a while, but I can’t stand the commute. Wanna see my pad? Or we could go to yours… it’s East End, right?”
“No, no… yours is good.” Lily couldn’t remember what state she’d left the flat in, and didn’t want to give Grayson the satisfaction of mocking her lowly lifestyle any more than he did already.
When he said it wasn’t far he wasn’t kidding. A hop, skip and a jump down Borough High Street, followed by a short walk through the market, and there they were, entering a warehouse which had evidently been renovated into a number of luxury apartments. Grayson led Lily into the lift and moments later they emerged on the top floor, straight in front of his front door.
The flat was breathtaking; open plan and expansive, covering the entire floor, with huge windows looking out over the Thames.
“Like it?” He asked, not needing to hear the answer.
“Seen worse.” She winked. The apartment was overwhelming with a capital ‘O’. Grey, clean cut and minimalist, but it worked. It even smelt pretty good; woody and spicy, enough so as you’d notice it but not overpowering. However, though place made quite an impression, it was doing nothing to quell the butterflies dancing a fandango in her stomach.
Grayson poured them each a glass of wine and they sat together on his over-sized sofa. “OK, so which bits are troubling you?” he said.
“It’s more what it’s lacking. His name? Why isn’t his name there? And a date? …Well I guess that’s because we haven’t set one yet, but - OK - a place then… why doesn’t it specify where it’ll happen? I don’t wanna get jumped and stuffed in a car boot on my way to work.”
“Whoa! No car boots. OK, one thing at a time. The date - as you said - will be confirmed. Look - see - I’ve left a space for it. And I’ll fax you through the amended version as soon as we’ve decided. Which we need to do soon. Christoph’s a busy man.”
Then, Lily remembered. Wasn’t Grayson supposed to be meeting Christoph after work? As in now?! “When are you seeing him? He’s not coming over is he?”
“Relax. I’m joining him for a drink later is all. I’d invite you along, but I think I already know your answer.”
Got that right. Lily relaxed a little, sinking deeper into the sofa and allowing herself to breathe again. She’d save death by embarrassment for another night, she decided.
Grayson got back on track. “Let’s focus. His name… well, his name’s not Christoph Yale; I might have mentioned that already?”
Nope but Seb did. Lily shook her head nonchalantly.
“No? Well, it makes no odds. Yale is his latest alias. He can’t use an alias on the contract, and he’d prefer not to use his real name, so I propose we leave it open.”
“Are you kidding me?! He doesn’t trust me enough to tell me his name, but he expects me to let him -”
“For the last time, will you chill? Here, have another drink for God’s sake.” He topped up her glass, and she immediately placed it down on the table.
She focused on calming her tone, but she wanted an answer. “I mean it, Grayson.”
Grayson sidled his glass up next to hers on the coffee table, and took one of Lily’s hands in his. “It’s not about trusting you. It’s not personal. He doesn’t want a record of his name connected to anything that could come back to haunt him.”
“But without a name, couldn’t anybody -” she couldn’t bring herself to say the words. She wasn’t even totally sure what those words were. Couldn’t anybody rape her and get away with it? “Well - couldn’t they?!”
“Let’s back track a little. This document means diddly-squat. Really. If some asshole attacked you on the date specified - which, by the way would be a major coincidence - then this -” he waved the piece of paper in the air, “- wouldn’t be worth the paper it’s printed on. This just pro
ves you wanted to act out the fantasy, and that you understand the safety procedures. It’s not a license to fuck you. Have you read through the safety measures?”
Lily told him she had, but looked away embarrassed. She’d built the name thing into being a big deal when it wasn’t. She’d read through the safety procedures a bunch of times, when she needn’t have bothered. She already knew them like the back of her hand. Same as before; 1, 2, 3, etc… easy as cherry pie. So why was she getting so het up?
Grayson pulled her into a hug. “Do you want to change your mind? I only want for you to have a good time. Don’t do anything you’re not into.” His voice had dropped into a hushed purr. He kissed the top of her head, then pulled back to look her squarely in the eye. “Whatever you want, Lily Wilde.”
She forced herself to breathe in and out evenly. She’d overreacted, that was all. “I want to. I’m sorry, it’s just one minute I’m sure, then the next I’m freaking over the details. But it’s good to talk it through,” she said. “Reassuring. I think I just need you to spell out how it all works.”
Grayson, still eying her with concern, nodded his head a fraction before lifting the document back into view. “Now, you asked about location. These arrangements have always taken place within Hatherly grounds, and we’d like to keep it that way for everyone’s peace of mind. You’re the first person who’s ever asked me to specify the location on the contract, but I’m more than happy to do so. If you do want to go ahead with it -” he stopped mid sentence to ascertain her response.
“I do,” she said, offering a small weary smile.
“- then how’s about we draft something up now - something you’re happy with? I don’t want you going home and fretting.”
She nodded. It made sense.
It took Grayson no time at all to pull up a copy of the document on his laptop, and even less time for him to insert Hatherly as the location. They threw around some possible dates and times, and with a quick call from Grayson to Christoph, settled on an ‘event’ sometime between 3.30 and 7.30pm on Saturday. When she put aside her fears, it was as good a night as any. She was free, Christoph was free. What good would it do to postpone things?
Heading home, Lily felt like she was seeing clearer than she had in days. She’d needed that chat with Grayson. And redrafting the contract had definitely dispelled some of her earlier unease. Whatever flutters of concern she was feeling now were just - what? Stage fright? Nervous excitement? Something like that. Nothing more. Definitely not regret. Definitely not.
25
BUZZ…
The phone vibrated itself off the arm of Lily’s sofa and onto her sleeping face. “Ow! Shit! What the… oh.” She blinked at the caller ID and pressed to accept Seb’s call. “Hi,” she croaked.
“You OK?” His voice was like rich butterscotch.
A smile blossomed among the cushion creases on her face. “I’m fine. Just - must have dozed off. What time is it?”
“About 8:40 your end, I guess. Sorry I woke you.”
Lily wasn’t sorry. She’d been having the dream from hell. Grayson, Ana and Christoph had been dragging her by the legs up a steep, rocky hill. She’d known they were taking her to the cliff’s edge but there was nothing she could do. She’d struggled, kicked, flailed about, but it was no good; they just kept on pulling, chatting laughing, oblivious to her terror.
She closed her eyes, pressing the phone to her ear, for the comfort of hearing Seb’s breathing. She was a dab hand at lying to herself, and had neatly convinced herself she could go through with Christoph’s proposal, but her dream said it all. She was scared.
“Seb. I think I’ve done something very stupid.”
A pause. “Go on,” he said, soft and measured. “What is it?”
Start at the beginning, she thought. Start at the beginning or he’ll think I’ve really lost the plot. “You remember I spent that night with Christoph and Grayson?”
“What did he do?!” Seb’s voice had lost all it’s calm.
“What did who do? Neither of them did anything. Well, nothing I didn’t agree to. Will you let me explain?”
His silence told her to continue.
“It was fine - I mean it was wild - but I was good with it, just about. Then the next morning Grayson pulled me to one side and told me Christoph had a proposition for me.”
“Bastard. Let me guess. Forced sex. He wanted you to agree to let him act out some sick fantasy. And Grayson’s fine with that?!”
“For Christ’s sake, cool it,” Lily groaned. Where did Seb get off talking about ‘sick fantasies’? Time to bite the bullet and tell him what she knew. “Let me speak. Then you can jump down my throat. I wasn’t going to agree to anything. Then Grayson showed me an example of a contract, and it had y-your name on it.” Silence. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Jesus, Lily.” Seb sighed, obviously making a concerted effort to control himself. “That was a long time ago.”
A long time ago, huh?! He had to know how lame that sounded?
“I did it three times, with two different women. It was their fantasy, not mine. I didn’t get a kick out of it. If you must know, it was all I could do to stay hard. They asked me to do it, and I fucked them until they came, and that was that.”
Lily’s heart was dancing a quick-step. “I don’t want to hear this.”
“Too damn late,” he said. “What I did was nothing like what Christoph wants to do. I was doing those women a favour, not the other way around. I don’t fantasize about raping women. The idea turns my stomach, Lily. Tell me you didn’t sign it.”
And all at once she felt like the world’s biggest idiot. She told him her reasons; how she’d wanted to understand him better by doing what he’d done; how Ana had made the idea seem less scary; all the while feeling like a naughty school kid reporting to the headmaster - and not in a sexy way.
“Lily, if it’s something you want to try out then fine - we’ll talk about it. But not with him. This isn’t jealousy talking. This is common sense. The aggressor in the fantasy needs to be in control, looking out for the victim. Believe me, you’re not safe with him.”
Tears hit her cheeks before she even realised she was crying. “I’m sorry,” she said. She was. Sorry for keeping Seb so distant. Sorry for having such shockingly fucked-up judgment. Sorry she hadn’t agreed to go to New York with him when he’d offered.
“Lily, don’t cry, gorgeous. This is my fault.”
She sniffed. “Let me own my own fuck-ups, OK?” This was her mistake and no-one else’s. The sooner she learned to trust her instincts and look after herself the better.
“Go halves?” He joked, but his voice had no humour in it. “I’m coming home.”
“You don’t have to,” she protested, though her heart was screaming for him to come back.
Thankfully, Seb was adamant. “I both have to and want to,” he said. “And in the meantime, stay away from Grayson; from all of them. Let me sort this out.”
No way was Lily going to let that happen. She’d made a mistake signing that contract, but she had no intention of hiding in the corner while Seb fixed things. She was a grown woman and more than capable of getting out of her own messy situations. She had no burning desire to see any either Grayson or Christoph in person, but there was nothing to stop her making a phone call. “I’ll sort it,” she told him. “Don’t say anything to Grayson until I’ve called him. Promise me.”
More silence. For fuck’s sake. “Seb? Please. If you’ve got any respect for me whatsoever, let me tell Grayson it’s off. OK?”
He sighed. “Fine. I’ll give you a couple of hours to do it. Then I need to speak to him. No arguments. He’s let me down.” This was followed by another long pause. Being the dark, brooding, silent type was all very well and good, but it sure as hell made for a tricky phone conversation. Or maybe he was just waiting for her to respond. “I miss you, Lily,” he said finally. Words which made the tears tumble thick and fast from her eyes.
Th
ey said their goodbyes, but it felt inadequate. She needed him back here, now, holding her; and the promise of his return only made the physical yearning stronger. But before she’d let herself get carried away thinking about Seb, she had something pressing to deal with. She wiped her eyes and looked at her phone. Scrolling through the numbers until she came to Grayson’s, she stole herself for a head-banger of a conversation, and pressed dial.
26
Today was going to be a good day. Yesterday had sucked like a Dyson, but today would be different. She’d finally given up trying to get through to Grayson and had left him an apologetic voice-mail around 11pm last night, asking him to tear up the contract. This morning she’d awoken to a long email from him saying how he understood completely; no problem; no pressure. She’d made a mistake and she’d dealt with it. And she felt a billion times lighter for having finally made the right decision. A billion times lighter and somehow mildly disappointed.
It was crazy. I’m depraved, she told herself, hammering her palm into her forehead, baulking at the insanity of her feelings. Seb was right; any man who fantasized about raping women had to be dangerous. Christoph had to be dangerous. Yet he hadn’t felt dangerous. Terrifying, yes. Thrilling, hell yes. Dangerous? No. Christoph Yale had been more in control of his desires than any man she’d ever met. It was a cool, calculating control. He was all surface, giving nothing away of the man beneath. And she was wary of that hidden self. She’d be mad not to be. He’d watched her like a shark coming off a hunger strike. She couldn’t recall ever having felt so intimidated, so simultaneously sparked with fear and lust - and going by the past few weeks, that was really saying something. But she didn’t believe he’d hurt her.
He fantasizes about raping women, she told herself for the umpteenth time. Not. Good. Not good at all, Lily. Get your brain plugged in, moron. Though no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t believe he’d ever have forced her beyond her limits. Right bang-smack up against her limits, maybe, but then that was his kick wasn’t it. The push. Knowing when to test, and when to ease back. And she’d liked his tests. She’d loved them. Oh, God…
