by Leanne Davis
Tracy remembered how Micah’s eyes crinkled when he smiled at her.
Later, as in hours later, and after being on the beach with Tracy and the girls, having dinner with her parents, and building a bonfire on the beach after the girls were in bed, Micah took her to their bed and made wild love to her. The night air was warm, so they left the sliding door open so the cool breeze could blow over their warm skin. He touched, kissed, sucked and finally took her in three different ways that would not necessarily have been considered “making love.” Sometimes, they had sex like a couple meeting after a drunken night at a bar. The chemistry never waned between them. For all their external niceness to the world, their personal life was the opposite. Their sex was theirs and theirs alone. It was hot, long and often. It was something most people wouldn’t have guessed about Tracy and Micah McKinley: middle class parents of two with a white picket fence. Sometimes, their sex was dirty and slutty, and she let him dominate her. Other times, he was soft, sweet, and slow, prolonging the inevitable until her entire body felt like it would melt into a puddle of nerves. She liked having him completely control her. She trusted him when he did that. During those times, she was not ordinary, sweet, girl-next-door, Tracy McKinley.
But that too was gone now and her body literally ached for it at times. There was so much history to grieve and miss and deal with. There was his betrayal that shattered her children and her. There was also the loss of everything real that mattered in her life. Including her identity. There was so much pain. Missing sex with Micah should have been number one hundred on her list of problems, but it wasn’t, because it mattered too. She missed him, and the way his hands ran up her legs. She missed the way his breath hitched when his fingers got closer to her center. And the way he touched her. God, he did it so well. He played with her. He pushed and twirled his fingers inside her until she came on his hand and then, only then, did Micah really start to seriously make love to her.
She squeezed her thighs together at the sudden ache, becoming lost in the memory of how his body used to feel inside hers. Her hand drifted between her legs and pressed down. Tears gathered in her eyes. It wasn’t the same. She missed the thick weight of him filling her up, her core heating up sensually, ignited merely from his looks. She missed the sensation of his hands and mouth on her. She missed him so much and in every way. Beyond all the betrayal and rage over what he’d done to her; she missed him. Micah McKinley. Her best friend. Her lover. Her everything.
And most of all, she missed the Tracy she used to be with him.
Oh, this new Tracy was socially more acceptable. She had become a strong, independent, working woman. She handled her kids alone, and everything that entailed. She was learning a new job and getting positive feedback, which, two years ago, she never imagined could come her way.
But there were other times when she missed the stay-at-home mother she used to be. The wife she loved being. And the safety and security and sense of belonging she once had.
The more time that passed, the more real it became. She probably would never see Micah again. Or the life she formerly knew; the relationship they shared was so over.
“Tracy?”
She jumped as she jerked her hand away from pleasuring herself, her cheeks filling with the hot blush of shame. Shit! Hastening to her feet, she turned towards Donny’s voice. He stood at the opening of the beach, about ten feet away. Guiltily, she searched his face for any signs that he knew what she’d been doing. Or almost doing. But his hands were in his short pockets and a hoodie stretched over his chest. His hair was fluffed boyishly like the sweatshirt had gotten caught on it when he put it on. He was hot. There was no denying it. He and Tony looked so much alike, it was startling sometimes. They had a lot of the same facial expressions; except Donny smiled a lot more. And a lot more easily. He also, thankfully, lacked the intense, gruff, reclusive thing Tony possessed. Donny’s face was always friendly and open, with a quick smile and ready to laugh.
Well, that is, up until the last few months. Now? Donny resembled Tony more than ever. He stood back from her, motionless. She stood there too, with her body still half turned on, but rapidly fading at the intense look on Donny’s face. He didn’t smile his usual greeting.
“You okay?”
“Yes!” she said way too quickly. Her voice tempered down lower as she added, “W-Why do you ask? And what are you doing out here?”
Could he tell? Did he realize she was down here fantasizing about old sex with a man who left her and never looked back? Did he realize she was nearly ready to arouse herself in response to what those memories did? She should have been sickened by them. Turned off. But no. She was… almost pretending what it was like to be young again, and in love, and turned on by the only man she ever loved. And was lucky enough to be married to.
Donny shrugged and tilted his head. His frown deepened. “You seemed… distracted. I said your name three times before it registered.”
Three times? Her gaze jerked to his. Oh dear God! Did he realize what was distracting her? It seemed so pathetic. She felt old and dried up. She pictured people thinking that of her. It would gross anyone out to picture her turned on anymore.
“Just… remembering… things. Are the kids okay?”
He nodded. “Far as I know. Julia’s asleep, yours are sacked out in front of a movie. Your parents just went to bed. What are you doing out here?”
She turned her head, hoping he couldn’t make out the flush in her cheeks. “There are a lot of memories here. It’s easy to get lost in them.”
She dropped down on the log once again, and Donny moved closer and stared out at the darkened sound. The moon shone over the water like a big, yellow, round ball. It was freaky looking, and gorgeous.
“You guys spent every summer here. I’m sure this time must be very hard. Another thing to deal with and get through.”
She glanced up at his profile before dropping her gaze to her feet. She slipped her flip-flops off and dug her toe into the pebbles and wet sand of the beach there.
“Twelve years he came here with me. Every summer. I can remember the kids here at every age. Micah. Me. We never missed a year.”
“What were you thinking of just now?”
“Our trip here when the kids were just toddlers. He was supposed to miss the first week, but he showed up after two days into it because he couldn’t stand to skip it. I was so happy. I was so in love. I was so sure I had found security for the rest of my life. I’m not sure why I was even thinking about it.”
“Vickie and I only came last year. I can easily see how much it meant to you.”
She laughed a hollow sound. “You never saw past the glow of Vickie’s brilliance and your bromance with my husband. You never noticed me. You only notice me now for how pathetic and sad I am. Even Vickie wanted you to take care of me. Micah asked you before he left, knowing I would need your help.”
Donny’s hips shifted as he pivoted and looked down at her. She could feel his intense gaze on her even though she wasn’t looking. “I noticed you.”
She shrugged, suddenly, strangely uncomfortable at his tone. Where was the anger of late? That’s all Donny talked with anymore. Anger. Annoyance. A tired, exhausted timbre in his tone. This was weird. She glanced up, biting her lip, and found him staring at her again.
Slowly, while holding her gaze, he sat down next to her, on the log, his butt not a foot away from hers. His wide shoulders brushed hers. His were twice the width of hers. He was bigger than Micah. He had a wider frame, and was tall and long like all the men in his family. His legs spread wide when he sat, bumping his hairy, bare knee against hers. She swallowed and discreetly tucked her legs closer to her and wrapped her arms around them to rest her chin on her knees.
She shifted her body forward so she could break the weird, intense eye contact. “You thought I was a sweet, little dork who could babysit your daughter better than your wife.”
He cleared his throat. “I never thought of you like that.”
She rubbed her chin on her knees and shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. I am that.”
He didn’t answer for a long moment. The soft lapping of water filled the silence. His voice was deep and soft when he spoke. “When we were here last year, and my daughter was only a year old, and her mother could barely be bothered to come in from sunbathing to take care of her, I thought no woman ever looked as appealing as you did in that moment.”
Her gaze jerked to his. Wait. What? What did he just say? Last year? His dark eyes probed hers. He didn’t back off either. His hand came out and touched a strand of hair that kept blowing over her face. “Do you remember the day we toured Fort Casey? I thought, I distinctly remember thinking, Micah was a lucky man. I was an idiot and I would never know a day as fun, quiet, peaceful, and real as Micah got to experience every day with you, as his wife and mother of his children. I thought then, for the first time, that I’d made a huge mistake. Do you remember that day, Tracy?”
She swallowed, because she did remember that day. “I remember it,” she said softly. They had all gone to see the old military fort that was a few miles from the house they rented. It was built in the early nineteen hundreds with several other forts to protect the entrance of Puget Sound. It was a large, concrete cavernous structure buried into the earth, overlooking a peninsula-like piece of land. The views went on forever each way of dark blue waters, islands on the horizon, and big, white-capped mountains of the Olympic Mountains, and the picturesque Port Townsend across the water.
They picnicked there and explored it. The kids climbed up and down the old ladders and scared themselves silly descending into the deep, cool, dark depths of the old ammunitions storage structures. They all screamed “echo” and made ghostly sounds. All of them, adults included. Micah was a running monologue of history. He loved old military stuff and read up well enough to be their tour guide. She teased him the entire day about it. He teased her back by pretending to be a cold, monotone-voiced guide. But several times, he pulled her into one of the dark tunnels and kissed her senseless for a few seconds, only to release her with a wicked smile as their kids made loud, obnoxious noises outside. He gave Kylie piggyback rides and put Ally on one of the guns to take pictures, even though it was strictly forbidden.
All the while, Vickie was upset. Her shoes, a heeled pair of sandals, hurt. She didn’t want to walk anymore. She was hungry. Thirsty. Tired. She sat down at a picnic table, and her look of extreme boredom was enough to keep Tracy away from her. As Donny carried Julia, he stopped to feed her. He preferred to be with Tracy’s family and her parents rather than sitting with bored Vickie.
She closed her eyes. It was, in essence, a commentary on exactly who she and Micah were as a couple. Prim and proper outside, but fun, hot, sexy and sweet inside. Micah was the only one Tracy allowed to see those sides of herself.
“I knew then, I would never get to walk around with my family, and tour anything, or vacation and have fun like you and your family simply because Vickie would never do that. You know, be how you guys were.”
“Yes. I always strove to be what one would consider ‘a good wife.’”
He laughed a dry, sarcastic sound. “Shit. That’s not what I was thinking at all that day.”
“Isn’t that what you just said?”
“No. I said, I realized I married the wrong sister.”
She gasped. No. He did not just say that. What? What was he saying? They were talking about a year ago, not six months ago. Not when she and he were so screwed up, they were vulnerable to making a multitude of mistakes, including being attracted to each other.
“He told me things. Micah told me a lot about you. I learned over the course of our friendship, things with you weren’t always how you presented them. I found that intriguing. You never noticed. I watched you. I noticed you. I started to really see the complicated, interesting woman that so enthralled Micah. He never thought he was good enough for you. Did you know that?”
Her mouth was open, but no sound came out. She had no idea what to say or do. What was this? “N-No.” Her voice came out as a small squeak. She buried her head on her knees as she felt the flushing warmth of a blush filling her cheeks. Oh God! This was not happening. Did he say he married the wrong sister?
Meaning what? She was the right one? No. No way. He could not be saying this to her.
His knee started to bounce next to her. “I began to see what Micah saw in you. Shit. No that came out wrong. That came out as an insult, like before that, I couldn’t see it. I’m trying to do the opposite. You come off like this innocent, sweet, nice woman. I love that about you. It’s a huge part of who you are. But, you’re so much more. There’s so much that you hide from everyone. Maybe because you only felt the need to share it with Micah. Well, anyway, after that, I began to see it. That also highlighted all the things that were lacking in Vickie with regards to being a spouse, and worst of all for me, a mother. That doesn’t mean I wanted you. What I mean is: I started to realize maybe I didn’t really love Vickie after all.”
“No shit! You married her after a four-month whirlwind of unbridled sex. You had no idea what you felt for her. You didn’t even remotely get to know her.”
“Yes, that dawned on me last year. Vickie seems like the interesting sister. I guess, I started to see she wasn’t all that interesting. She’s pretty straightforward with what she has to offer. Beyond the surface... she’s not very interesting.”
“Sex, you mean?”
“No, it wasn’t all that superficial. She had that helpless, kind of lost, little girl act going on.”
“You would have looked right over a resourceful girl like me.”
He sighed. “I began to see that day that you were the interesting, compelling sister whose layers would take years to get through. Quite simply, you had the personality that keeps a man interested. Not your sister. It was a shock for me to realize that.”
“What kinds of things did Micah tell you? He didn’t really have guy friends. I never knew he talked to you.”
Sex? No. No way. Micah would never betray her like that. Would he? Then again, a year ago he was knee-deep in treacherous lies and desperate. What wouldn’t he do?
Donny shrugged and his gaze left her. She felt like she could breathe a little easier. “You deserve better than him.”
She let out a strangled breath. “I just want him.” Her voice cracked. “I still just want him. If he returned… I’d take him back without a second thought. I’d beg him to stay with me. I would. Nothing he’s done would stop me from wanting him still. How can I be so pathetic?” Tears filled her eyes. “I should hate him, but the worst of this is I just want him to come back to me.”
The desperate, sad confession flew from her lips. She shook her head, hating herself for her weakness. She sniffled as snot filled her sinuses. Squeezing her eyes shut, she tried to stem the flow of tears. She could not bear to look at Donny and see the pity and repulsion in his eyes at her helplessness and outright weakness. For not being stronger. For not knowing she deserved better. For being a desperate housewife willing to take back a man after he does the unthinkable. For still feeling that way.
“Tracy. That’s not pathetic. That’s grief.” Her name on his lips sounded soft and kind. Strong. Lifting his arm, he dropped it over her shoulder and pulled her closer to him. It had been so long. It felt like years, not months, since she’d been in a man’s embrace. Donny tugged her so she was against him, crying. He didn’t stop her. His hand rested easily on her shoulder.
Donny.
He was there for her in a way no one else had ever been. Not because others hadn’t tried, but he just totally “got” it. What she was feeling. The agony that churned in her gut. His pain was so similar, yet different enough that they could still help each other out. They could comfort each other. They could talk to each other. They could say things they dared not say to anyone else.
Donny strangely evolved from being Tracy’s platonic, kind of okay brother-in-law,
to… her best friend. The only friend she wanted right now.
Donny’s arm was around her. His mouth was near her ear, kind of soothing her with his shushing. He let her cry on him over a man who didn’t deserve it. Micah damn well didn’t deserve that. Her loyalty. Her love. Her grief. Her tears. Anger started to boil in her chest. Micah did not deserve anymore of this. Not from her.
She stiffened her spine and simultaneously, angrily, lifted her head. Her motion was so quick and surprising, it put her mouth suddenly right near Donny’s. His neck jerked back an inch in bewilderment, until their eyes fastened on each other’s. Her breath caught in her throat, and she gulped to swallow.
Donny had very long eyelashes. Why had she never noticed them before? The thought drifted through her brain. It was such a stupid thought to have just then. He had pretty eyelashes? But he did. Thick and long, they swept over his brown eyes. Warm eyes. Eyes that smiled with kindness and concern for her often. Her best friend. Surprisingly, her dearest friend now. His looks did not attract her before, not beyond the usual, but he was generically hot. He had a nice body with wide shoulders, a thick neck, a well-shaped head, and healthy, full, shiny brown hair. But now, she noticed the different glimmering lights in his brown irises. Sometimes, his eyes crinkled kindly in the corners when he held Julia, or talked to her kids, and even to her. Sometimes they burned in anger. When he voiced his opinions. No shrinking violet this one. Though, when Tracy was with him, neither was she.
But now, his face looked different to her. Her heart lifted and reacted in a physical way to his features. His look just now as she caught his eye was hard. It was probing. Awkward. Hot. Real. It provided the most excitement she’d felt in a really long time.
