by Meg Ripley
She was just there. I’d needed that so badly and I hadn’t even known it.
I cried until I felt empty. And then, to fill myself back up, to get something that resembled peace, I looked up at her. I stared into her eyes, seeing everything I needed. I leaned forward and kissed her.
That time, she didn’t pull back. She let me kiss her, and she returned the gesture just as strongly. Her fingers wound through my hair. I grew hard at her touch, and my bear begged to be closer to her, so I picked her up and carried her to my bedroom.
12
Conner
I gently lay her down on the bed and slid into place over her. I did nothing more than kiss her for a long time, just wanting to be close to her, to share affection with someone who cared for me. I didn’t need things to go further.
She rubbed my back and played with my hair. Her fingernails danced along the back of my neck and sent chills through me. I could love her, I thought. I could. I could make her mine. Why not? Didn’t I deserve happiness, for once? She was there and willing and wanted to be with me. Didn’t she? I knew she did. Her whole body told me so, and she certainly wasn’t trying to stop me.
I kissed along her neck, inhaling her scent, moving my hand slowly under her shirt. She’d removed her bra and her breasts were firm, soft as silk. I caressed them, feeling their weight in my hands as I rubbed my thumbs over her nipples, and she let out the softest moan. That moan sent tingles through my entire body, and I felt myself stiffen. God, she was perfect. Gorgeous body with curves in all the right places. I let my hands explore under her shirt a little more and she responded to my touch, nibbling on my ear and running her hands along my spine.
Her hips lifted to press into my erection and my head swam with the feeling. She wanted me. It was clear. I didn’t know how far she wanted to go, and I wouldn’t push her. If she didn’t make it clear that she wanted more, I wouldn’t try it.
Her hands found their way under my shirt, and she pulled it up and over my head. She pinched my nipples gently and played with my chest hair. Her hands felt so good; it didn’t matter where she touched me or how. Her presence alone was so enjoyable, I wanted that moment to last forever.
Pulling the hem of her shirt up and off her body, I planted a trail of kisses down her neck to her breasts. I took her stiff peaks into my mouth, one by one, and she let out a soft “oh,” moving her hips in response.
She wiggled her hands under my shorts and squeezed my ass, and in return, I slid my fingers over the front of her pants, gently rubbing slow circles against her, and she moaned again, pressing into my hand. I slid her pants down and let them fall to the floor. Feeling the dampness of her panties, I slipped a finger underneath and explored her wetness.
She was soaking with desire, so I slipped a finger gently inside her. She let out a loader moan—still quiet, but more insistent—and moved against me as I slid my finger in and out of her entrance.
“Yes,” she whispered.
I hooked my fingers in the lace waistband of her panties and guided them over her hips, letting them pool at her ankles, and got on my knees to work her with my mouth. I kissed along her thigh, then let my tongue flick over her sensitive nub and between her folds. I reinserted my finger and moved it in and out as I sucked her into my mouth. She swiveled her hips, moaning with the pleasure of the feeling.
Letting out a more fervent cry, louder than any of the others, I felt her tighten around my finger and she came, her juices flowing over my hand as she dug her fingers into my hair. Her body shuddered as the rush of her orgasm pulsated through her, then she went still.
She breathed more slowly, recovering. I came back to her, kissed her again, and lie beside her. She flung her leg over me and pressed herself against me, sliding her hand under my shorts and pushed them down, along with my boxers. I helped her get them off as she took my stiff cock into her hands and stroked me. I was hard as a rock and every movement of her hand sent waves of pleasure through me.
I wanted her so badly; to just lay her down and thrust inside her, but I held back. I didn’t want to pressure her into anything she wasn’t ready for.
I was close to the edge when she suddenly stopped.
“Conner,” she whispered. “I want you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Please. Make love to me.”
I closed my eyes and swallowed. There was no way I could say no to that. I moved back into place on top of her and pushed her legs apart, rubbing her slickness onto my throbbing member. I pressed my head at her opening and moved inside her gently.
Pushing back against me, she gasped as I filled her to the hilt. “Oh god, Conner.”
I plunged into her slowly at first, but as I sped up, she bit her lip. She let out a moan and I found a rhythm that seemed to feel good to her. Lifting her hips, she pushed me in further; harder. She slammed into me, and as I picked up my tempo, she moaned and gripped my ass, pulling me into her even deeper.
I responded with harder thrusts and faster movements. If she could handle it, I could give it. When she started to moan, I went as hard and fast as I dared. She cried out and pulled me in, contracting around me, and I came, slamming into her hard with each thrust. She tugged my hair hard and cried out, more loudly than she had before.
She shuddered again and breathed heavily into my ear. When I had emptied myself into her, I panted and set my forehead on her shoulder.
“My god,” she said. “Wow.”
I laughed once. “Good.” I slowly pulled back to slip out of her, then lay beside her.
“That was amazing.”
I kissed along her neck and jaw, nuzzling my head into her. Her warmth soothed me and I fell asleep almost instantly.
13
Jessie
I woke happy and warm in Conner’s arms. I lay still for a long moment, just soaking in his closeness. It felt good to have him around me, and what we’d done the night before had felt incredible. I stifled a laugh and bit my lip. My sister was going to flip when she found out that I’d just had sex with Conner. I could hardly believe it myself. But it had been everything I’d wanted it to be; maybe, even better.
I checked the time and felt a rush of panic at the thought of Peyton finding me in there, naked, with her uncle, so I slid carefully out of bed and got dressed. She would probably notice that I was wearing the same shirt, though. I glanced in the closet and saw Alaina’s clothing hanging there. Not happening. But then I spotted a few items I’d seen Conner wearing; the messy shirts on hangers at the end of the closet had to be his, too, so I chose a button down and hoped Peyton wouldn’t recognize it.
I tied the shirt in a knot at the side to make it fit better and padded off to the kitchen to start the coffee and make breakfast. Peyton would just think I’d gotten there at my usual time and would have no reason to believe otherwise.
I woke her, and as I helped her into the outfit we’d picked out together the night before, I heard Conner head into and shower. A few minutes later, we met in the kitchen and ate together, as usual.
I had to hold back my grin; I didn’t want Peyton wondering why I was on cloud nine, and it didn’t seem right, given the difficulty of the day before.
I couldn’t read Conner. He was usually quiet in the morning and often appeared grumpy. That morning, he was much the same as always, although to be honest, I’d hoped he would have been a little happier. He looked well-rested, but his mouth didn’t twitch when I snuck him a smile behind Peyton’s back. He looked away when my eyes met his.
Once we’d gotten Peyton on the bus, we came back inside. I went to him to wrap my arms around him, but he stepped back, shaking his head.
“You have to go,” he said.
I winced in confusion. “What? What are you—”
“You can’t be Peyton’s nanny. I have to find someone else.”
My heart skipped. Did he want something more, then? To start a relationship? Perhaps, like I had, he thought it wasn’t appropriate for us to be sleeping
together while I worked for him.
My mouth fell into a smile and I opened my mouth to say something, but he cut me off.
“I can’t be with someone like you.” His words were cold and hard.
My heart sped even faster and tightened. “What do you mean?”
“I have too much baggage and—”
“We all have issues, but after last night, I thought that—”
“Don’t ever mention last night to me again.” He glared at me and set his jaw.
I took a step back, shocked at his sudden harshness. “I told you I would never tell anyone, and I meant it. What happened between us—all of it—was special, and I—”
He started to laugh. “Special? You think that was special? You let me sleep with you after I made a fool out of myself and made you feel sorry for me.”
“That’s not what happened.” My face grew hot and my jaw ached from clenching it so tightly. “You needed someone to be there for you, and I was.” My words came out choked as the tears filled my eyes.
He rubbed his face with his hands. “Look, I wasn’t even trying to manipulate you, but I did. I’m a fucking asshole—and a mess. And that’s why you have to leave. Now. And don’t come back.”
I gasped. He couldn’t mean that. “But Conner…” My arm trailed helplessly through the air. “I can’t just leave; I can’t do that to Peyton. At least let me talk to her after school so I can explain what’s going on.”
“Give me your key.”
I blinked at him for a moment, then went to find my purse and fished out the Disney keychain. I handed it to him and he snatched it from me.
“And take my brother’s shirt off. What right do you think you have to wear that?”
I glanced down at it, mortified. “I thought it was yours. I’m sorry. I didn’t want Peyton to—”
“Take it off!”
His booming voice made me jump. I unbuttoned it as I hurried to the bedroom, pulled it off and hung it back where I’d found it before yanking my own shirt over my head. I did a quick sweep, making sure I had everything of mine. My head spun; I couldn’t believe what was happening.
“Conner, please, can we talk about this? I’m sorry if I did something to upset you. I never wanted to hurt you.” Tears ran down my face.
“Just go.” He closed his eyes and pointed to the door.
“Conner…”
“Go.”
I didn’t know what else to do, so I did as he asked. Picking up my purse, I closed the door behind me. I got into my car and drove halfway down the street before the tears became too much.
I fumbled for my phone, trying to call Nikki, but after almost crashing into a curb, I decided to wait. I drove home as quickly as I could, and when I got there, I ran inside and called out for her. She popped her head out from the bedroom; when she saw the anguish on my face, she rushed over to me.
“What happened? Are you okay?” She looked me over and wrapped me in a hug.
I could barely speak, but somehow, I managed to tell her most of what happened: that we’d had what I thought was a long, amazing talk, we’d slept together, and then that morning, he kicked me out and fired me.
“He did what?!” The rage was obvious in her eyes.
“I just don’t understand,” I stammered, the tears still flowing. “What did I do wrong?”
“Nothing at all.” She paced the room in tight circles. “That asshole. I’ll kill him. I’m going over there right now, and I’m going to fucking kill him.”
She stood, and I grabbed her arm. “No. That would only make it worse.”
“He can’t treat you like this!”
“I know he has issues; we both know that. Something must’ve just…set him off. I don’t know. Maybe he’s embarrassed. He did say never to mention last night to him. He really opened up to me, and maybe he regrets that.”
“Well, fine. He can regret that, but he doesn’t get to sleep with you, then treat you like this. It’s such complete bullshit!”
Her words made my tears flow harder. “I know. And Peyton. What’s she going to think? I hope he doesn’t tell her that I ran out or quit suddenly or something like that. I don’t want her to think I abandoned her. It kills me to leave her like this. I didn’t even get to say goodbye! She’ll come home and I’ll just be gone. Just like her parents. Doesn’t he see what that will do to her?”
“He shouldn’t have her. I think we should call Child Protective Services.”
“No!” I swatted her arm. “Are you crazy? And have Peyton get stuck in the foster care system for the rest of her life? Conner’s far from perfect, but he’s her blood relative. He wants to take care of her. He loves her; he just has a lot to learn. Being taken from him would be so much worse. And removed from her own house like that? No, no.”
Nikki sighed and sat back down, hard. “You’re right; that would be terrible. But he can’t do this! It’s not right.”
“It’s not,” I agreed. “But there’s nothing we can do.”
She huffed and crossed her arms. “Well, there is one thing that might make this whole situation a tiny bit better.”
“What’s that?”
“Yesterday, while you were at work, someone called. They want to interview you for one of the positions you applied for.”
A tiny shred of hope wiggled its way into my chest and I sighed. “Well, that’s good timing.”
14
Conner
I watched until she pulled out of the driveway, then drew the curtain shut. Pure anger ripped through me, and I balled my fists and screamed. I wanted to punch something. I had to punch something. Luckily, I had a scrap of sense left and dashed down to the basement. I stood in front of the punching bag and let loose, throwing fist after fist into it until I’d worked up a sweat and the knuckles of both my hands were covered in blood.
But it wasn’t enough. I tore off my clothes, barreled up the stairs and shifted as I made my way past the back yard. Let the neighbors see. I don’t give a flying fuck. I ran hard, sprinting for as long as I could. I refused to think about anything except pounding the ground with my heavy paws, faster and faster.
I’d gone miles; so far, that I was getting into territory I didn’t know well. I slowed to a more leisurely pace and let my mind release from its tight place of rage. And then, I realized I wasn’t alone in my head.
Is there something I can do for you? Owen asked.
Leave me alone.
We’re worried.
You should be.
I felt him leave the mind link. Good. He was listening and giving me space. I sat down and let myself really think about what the hell was going on.
I was freaking out. I could feel myself losing it; feel that reality was slipping away.
Feel myself going batshit crazy.
I’d let Jessie not only see me cry, but I’d sobbed in front of her like a baby. I’d told her far too much about me, but still not the worst parts. She’d been so perfect. Just thinking about it made my eyes sting. She’d been everything I wanted, everything I could have dreamed. She’d shown me more care and love in those hours than anyone had in a long time—more than I’d let anyone in a long time.
And that was the problem. Not only had I given her all I could in that moment, she’d taken all of me. Willingly. After all I poured out to her about my nightmares, my guilt, the horrible things I’d seen at war and on my job. The way I had to save people or I felt like I couldn’t breathe. She knew more about me than my therapist or my own mother. All parts of me were opened to her.
But she still didn’t know my biggest secret.
I looked down at my bear paws, hating them for the first time. Jessie could accept me as broken. She already had. But she wouldn’t be able to accept my bear. If I tried to tell her, she’d be scared. She’d look at me like I was a freak. A monster. And I couldn’t stand the thought of it. Just picturing how she might look at me, the raw rejection she might give me in that moment, made me want to tear my fur out and
pull out my claws. Made me want to never shift again.
I’d fallen for her. Like an idiot, I’d let myself love her. A human. So then, I had to make sure I never saw her again. I wasn’t boyfriend or husband material. I wasn’t father material, either. Peyton. God, what am I going to tell her? I had to find someone else to care for her. I would hire the best person I could, and I’d leave. Or maybe I could send her to one of those fancy schools where the kids all stay there. I’d tell her it was like Hogwarts, but without the magic. She could make friends; be away from all the things that reminded her of her parents. Being in that house had to be making it worse, right?
Jessie had left. Just like that, she walked out. Of course, I’d yelled at her first; I’d had to. It was the only way to make her leave. I’d wanted her to go. But I’d wanted her to refuse. Some desperate, twisted part of me wanted her to fall at my feet and beg me to let her love me. To let her stay. I wanted to hear her say she would refuse to leave because she refused to give up on me.
But she’d left. After just a few harsh words, she’d left, taking every remaining piece of my heart with her.
The pain was so sharp, it made my head spin. I threw up. I was shaking and collapsed on the ground, my face much too close to the vile things that had just poured out of me. I deserved it. I deserved to drown in my own disgust and take myself away from the world so I couldn’t hurt anyone else. Surely, I’d hurt Jessie; probably badly. What would that do to a woman? Giving herself away like she’d given herself to me, then to be turned away like that?
Did she feel used? Manipulated? Did she feel like I’d violated some part of her heart? She must have hated me; she should’ve. I hated me. I hated Logan and Alaina for dying. I hated the world for letting it be them. Most of all, I hated the croc who was responsible for their deaths. When I found out who it was, I would shred his skin and make him suffer. Maybe I’ll just start killing all the crocs, I thought. Eventually, I’d kill the guilty one. And in the meantime, we’d be rid of our croc problem forever. Yes. That was the plan. What had Jessie said? Purpose.
