Friends was over. But I was happy to try the remote again.
«Ax, stop! Go back!» Tobias jerked his head at the TV. I flicked back to the previous channel.
". . . no one was injured," a blond woman said. Behind her a small box showed a picture of a chimp being wrestled into a cage. "The chimpanzees were finally captured shortly after six, although traffic on Broad Street was tied up for two hours while animal handlers from The Gardens attempted to catch them."
«The chimps from the truck,» Tobias said.
«The ones we freed.» I nodded.
"No one has reported the chimps missing, but there has been a lot of speculation about where the chimps might have come from," the woman continued. "One eyewitness reported seeing them jump from the back of a truck, but that truck has not been found."
Tobias and I looked at each other. I turned the TV off.
«Well, at least those chimps will have better lives,» Tobias said.
«Yes.» I hesitated. «Humans are inconsistent.»
75 «Yeah. They are. We are. But you know what? We have to spend tomorrow observing a slaughterhouse. So how about we just chill? Let's watch a sitcom.»
I nodded, a habit I have picked up from humans. «And some of These Messages.»
74
Once again, while the others were in school learning history, mouth sounds, the simpler forms of mathematics, and largely incorrect science, Tobias and I flew in the skies above the meatpacking plant.
It was a rainy day, which made for difficult, unpleasant flying. And what we were required to observe was even more unpleasant.
We met the others in Cassie's barn after they returned from school. Cassie was already at work, tending to the various sick and injured animals. Prince Jake helped her to move several cages.
Rachel flipped through a catalog. A brief book that shows humans what types of artificial skin to acquire.
76 Marco was working on "homework." He looked up at Prince Jake. "Hey! Is it Molotov and von Ribbentrop or von Molotov and Ribbentrop? Or are they both von?"
"Neither," Rachel said seriously. "It's von Damme and von Halen."
"That's very funny, Rachel. Hah. Hah. And also ... Hah. But what I have here is a makeup paper cubed. It's a makeup paper for the makeup paper I was supposed to do for my first makeup paper."
"Okay, what did you guys find?" Prince Jake asked Tobias and me.
Tobias was in the rafters, his usual place. «There's no "u" in "Soviet,"» he said to Marco.
Marco crossed out the word and wrote it again.
To everyone, Tobias said, «Well, we found your basic meatpacking plant. Cows go in one end, hamburger comes out the other end.»
«l believe they are called steer,» I interrupted. «Male cows are bulls unless they have been neutered, in which case they are steer. Steer are more docile. Although this herd comprises both steer and cows.»
Everyone except Tobias stared at me.
"Say what?"
«l saw it on the Animal Planet channel,» I explained. «But what is neutering?»
77 "Oooh! I don't get that channel," Cassie said. "Ax, do you think . . ."
"Moving right along . . ." Marco said, and crossed his legs.
«0ne big problem,» Tobias said. «There's no force field over the meatpacking plant -»
«lt is too large an area,» I explained. «As you know, energy expenditure for a force field increases exponentially. To put it in simple terms, if a field containing ten thousand of your cubic feet uses energy denoted as x, a field containing twenty thousand of your cubic feet will not use 2x, but rather x cubed.»
"Hey!" Cassie said in alarm. "I actually understood that. I never understand his technical explanations. What's happening to me?"
I was pleased by my success at reducing a much more complex reality to terms simple enough for my human friends to grasp.
"No force field, that's good. So what's the problem?" Prince Jake asked Tobias.
I answered. «Gleet BioFilters at all entrances to the meatpacking plant. As you recall, the Yeerks now use Gleet BioFilters at the entrance to Yeerk pools. They are programmed to destroy any DNA pattern other than those programmed in. At the meatpacking plant those filters eliminate all but steer and humans.»
«We saw a lot of flies get fried,» Tobias said.
78 "So if we go in, we go in as cows?" Marco said. "Cows? In a slaughterhouse? Does anyone else see a problem with that? Show of hands: Who would like to be a cow in a meatpacking plant?"
«Big problem number two,» Tobias continued. «The steer are kept somewhere else. A feed-lot maybe two miles away. They load 'em into a truck. Which brings us to big problem number three: The cows all have number tags like earrings. They don't just grab a bunch of cows. They grab specific cows.»
"Sure. Inventory," Cassie said. "They need to be able to track back on any health problems."
Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk!
A goose began making loud, distressed noises as Cassie attempted to force a pill into its mouth. "So what do we have? One: We need to acquire specific cows. Two: We need to get their tags off and onto us. Three: We need to get on the truck and travel two miles without having to demorph. Four: We need to get inside the meatpacking plant and avoid being turned into Salisbury steak. Five: We find out what's going on there that has Visser Three so happy and bust it up."
"It all sounds so simple when you put it in that nice one, two, three format," Marco said. "You forgot six: six cows in a meatpacking plant."
80 «l have seen steer at close range now,» I said. «l do not believe they will be very formidable in combat. The cows even less so.»
Marco pointed at me. "Listen to the man."
"We don't need to all morph cows," Cassie said. "The Gleet BioFilter doesn't eliminate organisms inside of other organisms."
"Do not say the word 'tapeworm,'" Rachel warned.
Cassie laughed. "No tapeworms. Flies. In the cow's nostrils. Maybe two of us morph cows. The others go as flies. In the nostrils."
Now everyone stared at Cassie. Including me.
"So basically, we have a choice. We can go as burgers ... or boogers," Marco said.
Prince Jake laughed. "Tonight we acquire the cows and get the tags. Tomorrow's Saturday. We do the main action tomorrow a.m. Ax goes as burger. If he has to demorph the Yeerks will see an Andalite, not a human. Tobias is the other one. The rest of us -"
"The rest of us ride the cow booger express," Marco said.
79
J-n the afternoon there was a break in the rain. But by the time darkness fell, a new weather front had moved in. Rain and lightning and thunder.
It interfered with my television reception. There was a very simple technological fix for the problem. But I would have to go to the mall. To Radio Shack.
However, there was no time this night.
We flew through the cool, dark, very wet night. I was in owl morph. Owls are wonderful night fliers. But not even an owl enjoys flying through rain.
«Ah, the life of a superhero,» Marco complained. «0ne big party.»
81 «We're almost there,» Tobias said.
«Good. I'm almost drowned.»
«What are you complaining about? It's harder for me than it is for you,» Tobias grumbled. «l'm still a hawk. I'm not nocturnal. I'm diurnal.»
«Diurnal? Have you tried Kaopectate?»
«Marco?» Rachel said.
«Yes, Rachel.»
«Shut. Up.»
It was just the four of us. Prince Jake and Cassie had family functions of some sort to deal with. Only Tobias and I were needed to acquire the cows. Marco and Rachel came along for extra security.
That, plus the fact that Rachel was needed to carry a piece of equipment. Her eagle morph is the largest and most powerful of all our bird morphs. But even she could barely lift the small device Cassie had found for us. The device that affixed ear tags.
Owl eyes saw through the darkness like it was day. I could see the raindrops themselves as
they fell, sparkling around me. I could see the individual splashes of raindrops hitting cars and slick streets and dripping trees.
I could see humans scurrying from car to doorway, or huddling beneath primitive cover devices called umbrellas.
Humans dislike rain. I believe it is because it
82 makes the ground slippery. When you are forever teetering wildly on two legs, you resent anything that makes it more difficult to stand.
Every few minutes there would come a huge flash of light. It would illuminate the night with bright blue light and cast deep black shadows. After the flash would, of course, come thunder. Often quite loud. Especially to an owl's sensitive ears.
«That's the feedlot up ahead,» Tobias announced.
My night vision was superior to his, but Tobias has experience at seeing and remembering the world from the air.
«About time,» Rachel grumbled. «l am more than ready to put this stupid ear staple gun down.»
We glided in toward the muddy field. Rachel landed at the first opportunity, dropping the stapler in the mud and coming to rest on a fence. I stayed in the air. I was least tired, being in my natural element, so to speak. And my owl eyes were needed.
We had to spot particular steer from the sequence of numbers that would be called up tomorrow. Preferably the first two numbers in that sequence.
My vision was up to the task. I could see the numbers clearly. But there were a lot of steer and
83 cows in the field. It took some time. I had to stop and demorph and remorph once, well away from the field.
But at last I found them both. They were not too far apart, fortunately.
«0ver here, Tobias,» I called. «This brown one.»
«Swell,» he said. He flapped up off the fence and drifted casually over to the steer. He landed directly on the animal's back. The steer flicked its tail. It turned its big head to look back and see what had landed on its rear. Then it went on chewing its cud.
«That was easy,» Tobias said a moment later. «l am cow-capable.»
It was less easy for me. You can only acquire an animal's DNA when you are in your normal body. That meant I had to touch the steer as an Andalite.
I thought perhaps the steer would not mind my presence. I am, after all, not a predator. I am, like them, a grazing animal. Although I graze quite differently.
«Trouble!» Tobias said suddenly. «Car lights! Coming this way.»
84 We waited, frozen. My friends peered through the darkness. A bolt of lightning split the sky and illuminated the approaching vehicle.
«That's a pickup truck moving over there,» Marco said. «Looks like it's riding around the various pastures. Or enclosures or whatever.»
«lt's so dark, what can they possibly see?» Rachel wondered.
«They could have night-vision glasses,» Marco said. «They could see plenty. Like, say, an Andalite.»
«l believe that if I keep my tail lowered and my arms down by my sides I would look enough like a cow or steer not to be noticed,» I suggested.
85 «Give it a try,» Rachel said.
I landed near a knot of steer. They were standing around, making lowing sounds from time to time. They were indifferent to the presence of an owl in their midst.
I focused my thoughts on demorphing. Within seconds I was rising from the muddy, cow-feces-strewn ground. Up and up I grew. My feathers gave way to sleek blue fur. My stalk eyes re-emerged, much to my relief. It is wonderful to have an owl's night vision. But nerve-wracking to be unable to see in all directions at once. It's like being half-blind.
For a moment I thought the steer might panic. They did not. However, they did decide to move away from me. I tried to stay with them - not an easy thing to do with two tiny legs sticking out of your chest, and your hind legs nothing but large talons.
I staggered and fell facedown in the mud. Lightning flashed. Thunder exploded. And I heard Marco say, «That truck may be heading this way. Hard to tell. All I see is the headlights.»
I continued demorphing. At this point it was more advisable to complete the morph and become fully Andalite. As an Andalite I might conceivably pass as a steer. But in my present condition I could be nothing but some horrid genetic mutation.
-m
86 As I picked myself up out of the mud, I, too, could see the headlights illuminating rain that had begun to diminish.
I hugged my arms to my body. I tucked my tail down along my back, which enlarged my profile. I bent my head forward, doing my best to simulate a steer's head. I even twisted my stalks forward to simulate horns.
It was not a bad deception, all in all. I was proud of myself. But also just a bit embarrassed. Steer are clearly not sentient animals. My ability to pass as one merely amused Marco.
«Hey, Ax, why is it when I look at you I start thinking about special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, and onions on a sesame seed bun?»
«Here comes the truck,» Rachel warned. «Look steerlike.»
I did my best. I kept my profile turned to the road. I looked most cowlike from that angle.
Then . . .
«lt's stopping!» Rachel cried.
«Ax-man, guys are getting out of the truck!»
«l don't see any weapons,» Marco said tersely. «But... well ... I do see beer bottles.»
«lt's a bunch of college kids!»
I could hear loud, almost-hysterical giggles. And now I could see the humans, four of them, attempting to climb the fence into the field. One fell down in the mud. The others all laughed.
87 «They are faced,» Marco said. «What's this about? These aren't security guys. Not unless the Yeerks have gotten really laid-back.»
The four young males staggered and wallowed and half-crawled out onto the field. One of them made a lunge for a steer. He missed and fell. He lay on his back, unmoving.
The other three headed toward me.
If I moved I would not move like a steer. My best plan would be to remain motionless. The humans were quite likely to pass me by.
But that hope did not last long. The humans came for me. They weaved and wandered, but the essential thrust of their digressions was toward me.
«What should I do?» I asked the others. «ls this an attack?»
«l don't think so,» Tobias said. «ln fact, I think I know what they're up to. It's called cow-tipping^
«0f course!» Marco said. «Cow-tipping. It's like a dumb fraternity thing.»
«Kindly explain this cow-tipping,» I asked.
«Well . . . well, basically you go out in a field and push a cow over.»
«Why?»
«l don't know,» Marco admitted. «But it generally involves being profoundly drunk.»
«Why?»
88 «Because it's too idiotic to do sober,» Rachel said, exasperated. «Perfect! We don't have enough bull to deal with, now we have drunk, stupid frat guys.»
«They will reach me in a few seconds,» I said.
«Use your tail. Cut their heads off,» Rachel said disgustedly. «They'll be no loss. Besides, these jerks are driving.»
«Remove their heads?»
«She's kidding!» Tobias said.
«Perhaps I could so something less drastic,» I suggested.
The three inebriated humans came close and stopped. Even stopped, they continued to move in a weaving, waving pattern, as though they were being blown by a very strong wind.
"That's a weird-looking cow, dude," one of the humans said.
"Cow? That's no cow, man, unless I'm really-"
Fwapp!
Fwapp!
Fwapp!
I snapped my tail three times.
Shlump! Shlump! Shlump!
«What did you do?!» Marco cried.
«l hit them with the flat of my blade,» I explained. «l applied the necessary force to the
89 sides of their heads. I believe they are unconscious^
«l believe they'll stay that way for a while, too,» Rachel said with a laugh. «0kay, Ax. Acquire some beef and let's hau
l.»
«Yes. I would like to make it home in time to watch 77?e Brady Bunch. It is a story. About a lovely lady. Who was bringing up three very lovely girls.»
90 he next day I performed the morning ritual solemnly. I repeated the words that spoke of freedom, duty, and obedience, spreading my arms and bowing at the appropriate times.
«The destruction of my enemies, my most solemn vow.» I straightened up and assumed the fighting stance.
«!, Aximili-Esgarrouth-lsthill, Andalite warrior-cadet, offer my life.» I drew my tail blade against my throat, then relaxed it. I was done.
As it was designed to do, the ritual gave me strength of purpose that morning. Even here on Earth I was serving my people. Andalites and humans.
91 «Ready?» Tobias asked as he coasted down out of a perfect blue sky. The rain had blown away in the night. The morning was the type of weather that humans consider perfect: warm but not too warm, a few white clouds, but not enough to obscure the sun.
«Yes, I am ready.»
«Maybe I need a morning ritual,» Tobias suggested. «l mean, something beyond passing a pellet and eating a mouse. Something with some meaning.»
«My morning ritual is imposed on me by my society,» I pointed out. «Your society - human society - does not impose a similar requirements
«Unless you consider drinking coffee and scarfing a toaster strudel a ritual.»
«l do find the ritual helpful sometimes. On days when I expect to face danger, for example. But it causes me to miss some of the banter between Katie and Matt and Al.»
«Who and who and who?»
«They are the humans who appear regularly on the Today show,» I explained.
«Uh-huh. I haven't caught that lately.»
«They are taking an in-depth look at exercises to trim the fat from problem areas such as thighs, upper arms, and hips.»
92 I began to morph to harrier. Minutes later I was flying.
I fly often. But I have never come to see it as normal. Walking like a human is merely tedious and annoying. But flying like a hawk is the most wonderful experience imaginable.
I opened my wings, flapped them up and down, tucked my talons up beneath me, and spread my tail to increase my lift. Suddenly I was no longer tied to the ground.
The Experiment Page 5
