by Moore, Lila
“You are not wearing rainbow tights with a polka dot skirt and a ballet top to school.”
At the sound of her voice, I almost hung up the phone.
“Sabine? Are you still there?” Theo asked.
“Yeah, sorry. Everything’s fine. Well, actually, that’s not true.”
The arguing voices in the background faded away. I heard the sound of a door closing. Theo must have moved into another room so we could talk in private.
“What happened?” he asked, sounding mildly alarmed.
“Nothing. I just slipped and fell. I landed right on my knee and it’s swollen. I can’t really walk on it. It’s no big deal. I was just wondering if you could pick up Aiden on your way to school and drop him off with Bella? If it’s not too much trouble. It sounds like you’re busy over there.”
“Of course I can take him to school. It’s no trouble. I’m just trying to get Bella ready for school. Her mother’s not that helpful.”
“I can imagine.”
“Are you okay?” he asked again.
“I’m fine.”
I tried to laugh it off, but I could tell he wasn’t buying it.
“I’ll be right over,” he said.
“Great.”
Aiden knocked on my door again.
“Come in,” I called.
He skipped into the room, fidgeting and jumping. I could tell he’d had his fill of sugar for the day. I felt guilty sending him to school like this. He was a handful when he wasn’t loaded with sugar. He was practically bouncing off the walls now. Aiden stopped in his tracks.
“Mommy, your leg,” he said with awe.
“I know. Mommy got a little ouchie that’s all.”
He stared at me with wide eyes.
“I’ve got good news though,” I added. “You’re going to school with Bella and Theo today.”
He brightened up at the mention of their names.
“I thought that would make you happy.”
He nodded vigorously and jumped in a circle. I shuddered to think how much sugar he’d poured on top of his cereal. His teacher was going to kill me.
“Go get dressed.”
“I am dressed.”
He was wearing dinosaur pajamas.
“I don’t think so. Put on something that’s appropriate for school.”
“Mom this is appro- approz-”
“No it’s not. Now go get dressed.” I pushed him towards the door. “And don’t forget a jacket. It’s cold and wet out.”
“Okay,” he called.
I stared down at my throbbing knee. How was I going to get to the doctor? I refused to call Maddie. I did not want to be interrogated by her. Madly, I considered calling the woman who’d helped me last night. She was tough, but I could tell she cared in her own way. She’d helped me before, after all.
No, it was ridiculous. Besides, I didn’t even know her name. How would I get in touch with her? I would have to call a cab, or maybe see if I could manage to drive myself. There was a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it,” Aiden screamed.
I caught a glimpse of him as he ran past my door. I was relieved to see he was wearing his raincoat and jeans. I heard the sound of him talking to Bella. Theo asked where I was.
“Back here!” I called.
Theo came into the room with Aiden and Bella in tow. When he saw my leg, he dropped to his knees before me to examine it. He touched my thigh, squeezing it. I jumped. It was painful, but there was something else hiding beneath the pain. It had been a long time since a man touched me.
A small shiver of excitement passed over me. I was suddenly very aware of the fact that I was wearing nothing but a robe. I tightened it around me and cleared my throat.
“It looks worse than it is,” I said.
“How’d you do that?” Bella asked. For a second, I’d forgotten the kids were in the room.
“I slipped on the patio steps,” I lied.
“How?” she asked.
“They were wet.”
“Why were they wet?”
“There was a storm,” Aiden offered. “Mommy was gone.”
I shot him a sharp look. How did he know I was gone last night? Did I wake him up when I was sleepwalking?
“There was thunder. I got scared,” he said. “I came to your room but you were gone.”
Theo was watching me very closely.
“I stepped outside for a second. That’s all,” I offered lamely.
The kids were satisfied by my weak excuse, but I could tell Theo wasn’t buying it.
“You’re going to be late for school,” I said, trying to get them out of the house.
Theo checked his watch and frowned. “Go get in the car,” he said to the kids. They took off running. “Don’t move,” he said to me. “I’ll be back in a flash. I’m taking you to the doctor.”
I opened my mouth to protest.
“No arguments,” he said. “I think your knee is broken. You need to see a doctor. I’ll be right back. Don’t put any weight on it while I’m gone.”
I nodded my assent. Once he was gone I laid back down. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window. My hair was a wild mess of curls and I had circles under my eyes. I looked terrible.
I tried to straighten my hair by running my fingers through it, but only succeeded in adding more volume to the curls. I looked like Medusa. I gave up and threw myself down on the bed. I watched the time on the alarm clock tick by for a few seconds then found myself drifting off to sleep. A few minutes later a hand was gently shaking me awake.
“Sabine?” Theo said.
I rubbed my face. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to fall back asleep.”
“You don’t have to apologize.”
“Was Theo a handful?”
“No more than Bella,” he replied.
I sat up carefully. My robe hung big and loose on me. If I moved too quickly it would come loose and Theo would know I was wearing nothing underneath.
“Do you need help getting dressed?” he asked.
“Um…” I looked away shyly.
“I mean, I could get your clothes for you. I wouldn’t…”
He looked down at me and ran his hand through his hair. Seeing him nervous made me smile. Theo was always so self-possessed and confident. He was thrown off his game now.
“There are jeans and a sweater hanging up in the closet,” I said pointing.
Grateful for something to do, Theo walked into my closet.
“Which ones?”
“Any. It doesn’t matter.”
He returned shortly with a low-cut, tight black sweater and skinny jeans. Leave it to a guy to pick out the most revealing outfit.
“What about…?”
“What?” I asked.
“Do you need underwear, bra?”
“Oh.”
We were two adults; this shouldn’t have been an embarrassing conversation. The fact that it was, proved what I didn’t want to acknowledge: I liked Theo. Despite the way I’d blown up on him like a lunatic, I still liked him. If I was ever going to move on with my life, I had to learn how to stop sabotaging myself by pushing people away.
“In the top drawer,” I said, pointing to the nightstand.
He went to it, opening the drawer slowly. He pulled out a pair of black, high-cut barely-there underwear and a matching bra. He grabbed them quickly, as if he simply grabbed whatever was on top, but I couldn’t help wondering if he’d selected those on purpose. I hadn’t worn sexy lingerie in ages. They were pushed to the bottom of my drawer.
I didn’t protest though. For the first time in a long time, the thought of wearing sexy underwear for a man excited me. I had to remind myself that Theo was just taking me to the doctor.
“All set?” he asked.
“Yeah. That’ll do. Thanks.”
“I’ll let you get dressed. If you need any help just yell. I’ll be in the living room.”
He left the bedroom door open a crack. I listened to the sound
of his footsteps as he walked into the living room to wait. I pulled off my robe and took my time getting dressed. I’m not sure why. A distant part of me wanted Theo to dress me. It would have been nice to have a man take care of me for a change.
Last night had really done a number on my head. I’d woken up feeling invigorated in a way I haven’t been since before Tom’s death. I needed to get a grip.
I pulled on my underwear then started to slide on my jeans. I stopped when I got to my knee. It was too swollen; the jeans wouldn’t go any higher. I set them aside and cleared my throat.
“Theo?” I called.
“Yeah?” he said from far off in the house.
“Could you, um, help me?” My face burned hot.
“Sure.”
In a flash, he was in my room.
“What do you need?” he asked. He was careful to keep his eyes on mine. I sensed he didn’t want me to think he was checking me out.
“My knee’s too swollen. The jeans won’t go on. Could you bring me the yoga pants that are in the bottom drawer of the dresser?”
He went to the dresser and returned with them promptly.
“Do you need help?”
I hesitated. I didn’t need help putting them on, but I couldn’t help nodding my head yes. Theo kneeled before me. Gently, he took my injured leg and slid on my pants. His hands brushed my calf, then my thighs. I rose up, leaning my body towards him as he pulled my pants up to my waist.
There was no hiding it now; his eyes were definitely on my legs and underwear. A moment of awkward silence passed between us before he finally said: “I’ll get your shoes.”
He slid my sneakers on my feet then wrapped an arm around my waist. I thought he would help me walk, acting as a shoulder to lean on. To my surprise, he put an arm under my legs, sweeping me up off my feet. He held me in his strong arms easily, as if I weighed nothing at all.
I started to laugh; I couldn’t help myself.
“I wasn’t expecting to be carried like a princess,” I teased. “Not that I’m complaining.”
“I’m at your service.”
He carried me to the car and buckled me in. It wasn’t easy. I was having a hard time bending my knee so I had to sit at a strange angle. Once inside he drove me to the doctor where his suspicions were confirmed: my knee was broken. Luckily, it was only fractured and would not require surgery, but I had to wear a knee brace and walk with crutches.
We swung by the pharmacy and filled a prescription for pain killers then picked up takeout. It was turning into a full day. As I unlocked the door to my house, I stopped and turned to look at Theo.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I just want you to know that I’m really sorry about what happened at the bar. I shouldn’t have blown up like that. I know you were just trying to help, but you have to understand that I’ve been surrounded by people who were ‘just trying to help’ for a long time and their advice is almost always bad. Not that your advice was bad, but I’m just sick of hearing everyone’s opinion about how I should be handling this. Everyone thinks it’s so simple. ‘Just forget about it and move on,’ like it’s so easy. Everyone thinks they know me well, or have my best intentions at heart, but they don’t really know who I am or what I need.”
Theo looked away as if something was troubling him.
“I’m sorry. This isn’t the best apology. I just want you to understand my perspective,” I added quickly.
His eyes fell on me. The day was overcast and dark. His eyes looked gray like the sky.
“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” he said. “I’m the one who should be apologizing. It wasn’t my place to tell you what to do. And, there’s something else.”
Theo looked down at his hands.
“What is it?”
Lightning cracked above us; a loud rumble of thunder shook the house. I looked up at the sky.
“We should get inside,” I said.
I opened the door and hobbled inside on my crutches. Theo followed closely behind. He put the food down and ran a hand through his wet hair. It had started to rain as we were leaving the doctor’s office; we were both soaked.
“What did you want to tell me?” I asked.
He considered me closely then looked away.
“What happened out there?” he said pointing to the back porch.
Immediately, I knew this was not what he’d originally been thinking about. He was trying to change the subject away from whatever was on his mind.
“I fell on the steps,” I said. “They were wet and slippery.”
“What were you doing out there in the middle of the night?”
“I decided to step out to smoke a cigarette,” I lied.
“You smoke?”
“I quit when Aiden was born, but I still get a craving for one every once in a while.”
I sensed that he didn’t fully believe me, but he didn’t push the issue. In return, I decided not to ask about what he meant when he said he was the one who should be apologizing. Silently, we laid the food out on the table. I turned to get plates in the kitchen.
“I’ll do that,” Theo offered. “You need to rest.”
I sat down and propped my leg up on the seat beside me. I watched the rain fall onto the porch and thought of the woman who’d rescued me. I needed to speak to her. I wasn’t confident I could drive with my leg in the condition it was in and I couldn’t ask Theo to drive me. He didn’t need to know about my late night sleepwalking adventures. I wouldn’t blame him for thinking I was a lunatic. I couldn’t call her either. I didn’t know her name. I had to figure out how to get back out to the bridge.
“Could I ask you for one more favor?” I said.
“Of course.”
“Do you think Aiden could spend the night with Bella tonight?”
“I don’t think that would be a problem,” he said, though I sensed hesitance. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. It’s just that I’d really like to get some sleep tonight. I don’t have the energy to chase Aiden around.”
“I think that’s a good idea.”
Theo put a plate down in front of me and sat down.
“You said no one really knows you. What did you mean by that?” he asked out of the blue.
I shrugged. “You can never really know someone, can you?”
His eyes were trained on me so intensely that I couldn’t meet his gaze. I looked away.
“No, you can’t.”
There was a catch to his voice as if he spoke of something deeper.
We ate without saying a word to one another. By the time we were finished, it was time to pick the kids up from school.
“I’ve got to go,” Theo said. “Are you going to be okay?”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Don’t go outside. I’ll come by later to check on you.”
“No,” I said a bit too quickly. He looked at me suspiciously. “I’m going to take a painkiller and go straight to bed. Don’t bother checking up on me.”
Theo nodded slowly. His expression suddenly changed.
“I better pick up the kids,” he said brightly. “Should I pack a few of Theo’s things? His toothbrush? Pajamas?”
“I’ll get them.”
“No. You sit. I can manage.”
I told him where to find Aiden’s favorite PJs and his toothbrush. A few minutes later Theo returned with a bag full of Aiden’s things.
“Let’s get you into bed,” he said.
I could walk on my own with the crutches, but Theo insisted on carrying me. I felt silly, but the way he swept me up into his arms left me a bit dizzy. For a moment, I forgot the stress and looming questions hanging over my head. Theo put me down on the bed and pulled off my shoes.
“I’ve got it from here,” I said.
I was eager for him to go. I wanted to get to the woman’s house before dark.
“You sure?”
“Yeah. Thanks for everything. I owe you.”
&nb
sp; “It’s no problem.”
He pulled the covers over me and leaned in as if he was going to kiss me. I froze; my heart skipped a beat. He pulled away from me with a confused look on his face, as if he wasn’t quite sure what had come over him. I understood the feeling. He straightened my covers and told me to take it easy.
I smiled warmly and settled into the covers. I listened closely for the sound of the front door closing. As soon as I heard the click of the lock, I jumped out of bed.
11
The pain in my leg was intense. I decided to take half a painkiller, just enough to take the edge off the pain without leaving me foggy-headed. The pill hit me harder than I’d thought it would. Within a few minutes, I was stumbling through the house, lightheaded and stoned. I was in no condition to drive. Besides, I didn’t think I could get behind the wheel with my leg in a brace anyway.
I would have to find and alternate way to the bridge. It was less than a mile away, but walking seemed like a bad idea, even if the pill had taken care of the pain. The doctor had warned me to stay off my leg. The fracture could become worse.
I knew it was a bad idea, but in my stoned state of my mind I didn’t care. I decided to walk.
I picked up my crutches and slipped out across the backyard and into a side alley that led to the park and eventually the bridge. I nearly fell coming down the back porch steps. It was still drizzling outside and everything was slippery.
I walked a quarter of the distance to the bridge. I’m not sure how long it took me, but I was walking slowly. The light was fading from the sky. I frowned and considered going back. Just then a horn started sounding.
I turned towards the sound. A sports car pulled up beside me. The driver’s side window was rolled down. Mr. Devereaux leaned out.
“You going my way, stranger?” he asked with a wolfish grin.
He was joking; I was supposed to laugh, but I didn’t have the patience for his foolishness. Without a word, I turned and started to walk away.
“Hey, I was only joking. Where are you going?” he asked.
“Nowhere,” I mumbled.
“What happened to your leg?”
“Nothing.”
“You’re real talkative today.”
“I have somewhere I have to be. I don’t have time for this.”
“Where are you headed? I’ll drop you off.”
