by Moore, Lila
After his death, I’d focused on all the good times. I spent my time obsessing over what could have been. I never stopped to look at things sensibly. I was too clouded by grief.
Tom wasn’t perfect. Neither was our marriage. Still, I never would have killed him. I had no reason to. I loved my husband despite the problems we faced.
“I loved Tom more than anything.”
“I know,” Theo replied.
I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them tightly. I looked at Theo. He was watching me closely.
“Who’s watching the kids?” I asked.
Why did I ask? Because I wanted him to spend the night. It made me feel guilty, but I wanted Theo. More than Theo, I wanted to forget about tonight and the day before, and every other day of the last ten years.
“The nanny, Mrs. Green.”
“I didn’t know they had a second nanny,” I replied, not really caring. Theo didn’t respond. “So you’re off for the night then?”
“Yes.”
“This might seem forward, but everything that’s happened has me a bit spooked. Do you think you could spend the night? I’d feel better knowing there was a man in the house.”
Theo looked down at the floor. I could see the indecision on his face.
“You have a girlfriend, don’t you?” I said. “Of course you do. Why would a guy like you be single?”
Theo should his head, no. “No. That’s not it.”
“Then, what?”
He ran a hand through his hair and looked away.
“Nothing. I’ll sleep on the couch.”
I nodded appreciatively, but felt disappointed. Maybe he just wasn’t in to me? Who could blame him? My life was a mess. I just told him I have blackouts where I wake up at the site of my husband’s murder. He probably thought I was nuts. I would understand if he left and never spoke to me again.
“You should get to bed. It’s been a long day,” Theo said.
I nodded. He rose and went to the door. He pulled my robe off the back and opened it, holding it out to me. Shyly, I stood. I was completely naked. The last man to see me naked was my husband. It had been a long time.
Theo kept his eyes on mine. Was he trying to be respectful? Why offer the robe to me if he didn’t want to see me naked?
I stepped out of the tub with effort. My right leg was essentially useless. Still, I managed to stand and turn. Theo wrapped the robe around my shoulders. I slipped my arms into it and tied it around me. Suddenly, Theo’s arm was around my waist, holding me to him securely.
“Don’t slip,” he said.
I leaned against him as he led me into the bedroom. He pulled back the covers and helped me into bed.
“Get some sleep,” he said.
I grabbed his arm.
“Wait.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. I just knew I didn’t want to be alone. Theo brought my hand to his lips and kissed it sweetly.
“You should rest, sweetheart.”
“I’d feel better if you laid down with me.”
Theo looked at my hand. He turned it over, tracing the lines on my palm. I could tell he was trying to think of an excuse to leave. It was crushing, though understandable. I’d pushed him away. Now that I wanted him it was too late.
I slid my hand free from his. I wanted to make things easy on him. I didn’t want to hear an awkward rejection of my advances.
“Actually,” I said, “you’re right. I should get some sleep. Maybe it’s best you leave.”
“I’d feel better spending the night. What if you sleepwalk again? It’s dangerous to be wandering around the streets at night.”
My knee was killing me; I doubted I was going anywhere tonight. The pain would wake me up instantly. Besides, I’d overdone it today. I didn’t think I’d be walking long distances for quite a while.
Still, I didn’t object to Theo staying. For the first time in a long time, I wanted a man close by. He grabbed Tom’s pillow from beside me. I started to protest, but didn’t say anything.
“I’ll sleep on the couch,” he said.
I nodded absently as he left my room with my husband’s pillow. If Theo slept on it, the scent would be ruined. Gone forever just like Tom. It wasn’t too late; I could call Theo back and give him a different pillow.
I watched him go. He left my door open and walked off down the hall towards the living room. I closed my eyes and tried to forget.
13
The rain fell so heavily it created a curtain obscuring my view. I couldn’t see more than a few feet ahead. The wind howled and whipped tree limbs violently across the path leading to the bridge. I winced and held up my hands. I wished I’d brought an umbrella, or a raincoat, or a scarf.
Too late now. There was no going back.
Not sure of my destination, I staggered onward towards the bridge. A shrill voice carried on the breeze. Was it a woman? Or was it the storm? The wind hissed around me with a high-pitched shriek that sounded like a small, wounded animal crying for help. I headed towards the sound.
A man shouted incoherently. I turned to my right to see a figure running along the bank of the lake. He dove into the water and disappeared from sight. What was he doing? He’d be lucky not to drown in this weather.
I waited for him to surface. The wind cut across the surface of the water creating waves. Normally the lake was crystal clear. Tonight it looked as deep and dark as the ocean.
Suddenly, I was on my face in the mud. A large object had crashed into me from behind, forcing me down. A hand was on the back of my head pushing my face into a deep puddle. I choked on the brackish water and flailed wildly. My lungs screamed for release.
“Too late,” a voice, high-pitched and wild, shouted.
Too late.
The words rang through my head with deep meaning. I’d wasted my life and it was too late to fix it. Time had run out.
Then a last second reprieve.
I’d just reached my breaking point when the hand released me. I lifted my head and gasped for air. The weight lifted off my back. I turned to find the space behind me empty. The person had disappeared into the rainstorm.
I coughed violently. Before me, a dark figure emerged from the water. The man had made it out after all. Instead of relief, I felt dread. My fingers dug into the mud. I clawed at the ground and rose on trembling legs.
I ran, not knowing which direction I was headed. Rain whipped into my face, stinging my skin. I kept running, but felt as if I was going nowhere. I looked behind me, but could see nothing. If the man or the person who knocked me down in the mud was after me, I couldn’t see them.
I sprinted without looking and fell down hard. A figure emerged from the shadows wearing a raincoat. A hand reached for me. I slapped it away. The figure did not hesitate.
“Go back to the water…”
I screamed nonsensically. “Get away from me.”
“Get ahold of yourself, girl.”
The hood on the stranger’s raincoat fell back revealing a woman- Jillian.
“C’mon,” she said, “I’ll get you cleaned up before you get yourself into more trouble.”
She took my hand and pulled me to my feet. I sat up in bed with a small scream. I was back in my bedroom, covered in sweat. It took me a minute to realize it was all just a dream.
I looked at my hands expecting to see mud. They were clean, pale and shaking. I pulled the covers up to my neck. The dream had felt so real. A sinking feeling settled into the pit of my stomach. It was real. A memory. But in my dream, the man in the water had reemerged alive. And who was the person that held me down? It made no sense. The only thing I knew for sure was that I was on the bridge with Tom the night of his death and we weren’t alone.
“Everything Okay?” Theo asked from the door.
I rubbed my face and sighed. “Yeah. I was just having a nightmare. Did I wake you?”
“I heard a scream.”
“Sorry.”
“I was worried you might slip out of
the house again.”
I looked out the window. The night was clear and quiet. The rain had stopped, but I could still smell it on the air.
“Not tonight.”
Theo came into the room and sat down on the edge of my bed. His eyes drifted down to my chest then looked away quickly. I glanced down. My robe had come undone, revealing my cleavage. I straightened my robe and sat up in bed.
“I should have been honest with you sooner,” I said. “I’m sure if you knew what a mess my life is-”
“Stop. You don’t know everything about me. I don’t expect you to tell me all your secrets. If you knew the truth about me, you’d…”
“I’d… what? Throw you out and never speak to you again? What could you have done that’s worse than what I’ve done?”
“What have you done?”
Theo narrowed his eyes. I didn’t like the look of suspicion on his face.
“Well, I mean, everyone in town thinks I murdered my husband.”
“Not everyone thinks that- I don’t.”
It was a relief to hear, but I still felt like a criminal even though I’d done nothing wrong.
Theo’s hand slid into mine. He traced the lines of my palm and fingers. Warm tingling spread throughout my body as his large hands held mine. He suddenly straightened and released my hand.
“I should go,” he said.
“Go? It’s the middle of the night.”
“I mean, I should let you get back to sleep.”
“I probably won’t sleep now.”
Darks shadows danced across the room as the trees outside my window swayed in the breeze. I would never get used to sleeping alone as long as I lived.
“Would you…” I started and trailed off. I had no idea how to say what I was thinking without feeling embarrassed.
“What?”
“Never mind.”
“Tell me. I’m here at your disposal. Whatever you need Sabine.”
“Could you lay down with me until I fall back asleep? Sometimes, I get spooked at night.”
Theo looked at the empty spot in the bed beside me. Mixed emotions crossed his face.
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea. It’s not very professional,” he said.
“Professional?”
I had no idea what he was talking about.
“What I mean, is that I’m Bella’s caregiver and…”
“And…?”
“And I’ve taken care of Aiden… What I mean is… is… it’s not a good idea to get involved with the mothers’ of the children I’m responsible for.”
“That makes no sense,” I blurted out.
He only watched Aiden once. I wasn’t planning on hiring him as a fulltime manny. How was it unprofessional of him to get involved with me?
“It’s a bad idea to mix business and pleasure,” he said.
“I didn’t mean that we should sleep together, you know? I just thought your presence would be comforting. It would help me sleep.”
“I understand, but-”
“It’s no big deal. Just forget it.”
This was turning out to be more embarrassing than I’d feared. Theo wasn’t into me at all. He may have been in the beginning, but after being exposed to my world of crazy he wasn’t interested anymore. And who could blame him?
Suddenly, Theo was crawling into bed beside me.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“You’re right. It’s not a big deal. I’ll stay until you fall asleep.”
“If it makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to.”
“I’ll stay. I don’t want you to be scared anymore.”
His sudden change of heart was odd; Theo was the king of mixed messages, but I didn’t argue. I was too happy to feel the weight of his body in the bed next to me.
He’d lain down on top of the covers beside me. Our bodies were separated by less than six inches. I could feel his body’s warmth radiating through the covers. He brushed a loose strand of hair out of my eyes and smiled.
Something inside me twisted with desire. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to hit him or force myself on him. How could he push me away, then touch me like that? Did he know what it did to me?
A loud knock from the living room brought me out of the moment. We both jumped. I checked the clock. It was close to four in the morning.
“Who could that be?” I asked.
As soon as the words left my mouth, my mind immediately went to Aiden. What if something had happened to him? It was wrong to leave him with the Devereauxes. I should have insisted he come home when I found out Theo wouldn’t be there to keep an eye on him.
My heart started to race. Ignoring the pain in my leg, I jumped out of bed. An early morning knock on the door had informed me that husband’s body had been found in the lake. It was part of the reason why I had trouble sleeping. I kept waiting for the next knock to bring bad news. And here it was.
“Wait,” Theo protested. “Stay here. I’ll answer it.”
I ignored him and limped into the hallway. I didn’t bother grabbing my crutches. I was too scared by who I would find on the other side of the door. I was sure it would be the police informing me of some horrible accident that had befallen Aiden.
I opened the door to find not the police, but Mrs. Devereaux. Theo stood close behind me.
“There you are,” she said accusingly. “Right where I knew you’d be.”
I stared at her blankly. The woman reeked of alcohol and her top was unbuttoned exposing her red bra. She tried to push her way into my house, but Theo gently pushed her back, keeping her outside.
She was here looking for Theo. Of course. My earlier suspicions were correct; they were sleeping together. That’s why he didn’t want to sleep with me.
“What are you doing here?” Theo asked.
“Looking for you.”
She slurred her words badly. Theo looked confused.
“Is something wrong?” he said.
“Everything!” Mrs. Devereaux sounded outraged, as if she couldn’t believe Theo’s question. Her voice started to quaver with tears.
“Maybe you should take her home,” I whispered to Theo.
He looked hesitant to leave. She started to laugh.
“Take me home, Tom.”
My head snapped around. Had I misheard her, or did she refer to Theo as Tom? My mind had to be playing tricks on me. Suddenly, Mrs. Devereaux was in my face.
“Do you really think I need a babysitter? I do what I want. You’re always getting in my way.”
I had no idea what the woman was talking about.
“And you,” she said, turning on Theo. “You had one job to do and you couldn’t do it.”
“Alright, that’s enough.”
Theo grabbed her by the elbow and started to lead her away.
“When I said, ‘Keep an eye on her,’ I didn’t mean sleep with her. You pig. Men are all the same,” Mrs. Devereaux drunkenly muttered.
“Wait, what?” I said. “Mrs. Devereaux what are you talking about?”
“I really should get you home,” Theo said, trying to pull her away.
“He hasn’t told you, has he? ‘The sweet, sensitive caring manny,’ you really buy that crap?”
She laughed hysterically, doubling over and stumbling across my front porch.
“What is she talking about, Theo?”
Theo shook his head. “I don’t know.”
I didn’t believe him.
“Go ahead and lie to her Theo,” Mrs. Devereaux said. “She’ll believe anything a man tells her- and I do mean anything.”
Theo pulled her up hard. She stiffened under his grip.
“We’re not doing this now. Do you understand me?” he said.
She hiccupped and nodded her head.
“Good,” Theo said. “We’re leaving. Sabine, I’m sorry about all this. I’m going to take Mrs. Devereaux home, then I’ll come back.”
I was dumbfounded by her words. A million questions raced thr
ough mind. Foremost among them: what was Theo hiding?
“No,” I said. “I’m just going to go back to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
Before he could argue with me, I shut the door. If he came back, I wouldn’t let him in- not until I could figure out what was going on.
14
After Theo and Mrs. Devereaux left, I spent a long time standing by the front door, staring out the window. Asinine thoughts ran through my head: the lawn needed to be mowed; my car needed to be washed. I had a hard time focusing on what was before me. It felt too big to fully wrap my mind around.
Mrs. Devereaux’s words suddenly echoed through my mind: ‘Keep an eye on her.’
Her words snapped me out of my trance and back to reality. Why did Mrs. Devereaux want Theo to keep an eye on me? And what had she meant by ‘she’ll believe any lie a man tells her’?
I’d only met Mrs. Devereaux recently. What was she talking about? She didn’t know the first thing about me. Anger replaced the confusion I felt. I hobbled back to my room and dressed. I told myself I was going to drive over the Devereauxes’ house and give her a piece of my mind.
By the time I dressed and found my car keys, my anger had settled down to a low simmer. Driving to their house and confronting them was starting to look like a bad idea.
Early morning light poured into my bedroom. I sat down and stared out the window at the small guesthouse in the backyard. Tom had converted it to an art room when we moved in. I hadn’t been inside since before his death, and even then, I didn’t spend much time there. It was his private space. He didn’t like me going inside.
Once, before Aiden was born, I’d gone in alone, looking for a paintbrush. He’d caught me inside and flown into a rage, demanding to know why I was snooping in his things.
‘Don’t you trust me?’ he said again and again.
The whole event had left me confused and angry. I wasn’t snooping. My intentions were innocent, but Tom freaked out. Why was he acting so defensive?
A fresh wave of anger hit me. I’d spent so much time wondering what other people were hiding and I’d never stopped to wonder what Tom was hiding.
With a new found resolve, I stood up. Instead of going to the Devereauxes, I was going to find out what was in the shed.
