by Marcy Blesy
Chapter 5:
I have to see Sarah. I have to know I’m not the devil blazing down everyone in my path. I have to know at least one person I loved is still okay. I’m afraid, though. I don’t have to actually talk to her. But I need to know. I throw on a gray hoodie, the one with tiny hearts on the sleeves that Laura gave me on my sixteenth birthday. With my hair tucked into the back of the sweatshirt and hood pulled up, I drive an hour to Andersonville, confident that Sarah will be at the track until 6:30. That was our special place.
I pass by my old high school and park across the street from the track. I put on sunglasses even though it’s not sunny. No one knows this car. It came from Ohio. The last time I saw Sarah, we had a big fight. She told me I was being selfish thinking of running away. How can I be selfish when I’m the one that left everything I know? I did it to protect the people I love. I did it for them.
The team is scattered around the track. Delaney and Grace Thomas are running hurdles. No doubt the race will end dead even. Neither one likes to show up the other. Jake Hansom still lives up to his name. He’s flexing his muscles before throwing the shot put. In middle school I used to write his last name over and over with my name attached to it. Macy Hansom, Mrs. Hansom, Mrs. Macy Hansom. When I found out he was going to ask Sarah to homecoming our sophomore year, I was so hurt, but could I blame him? Sarah, with her Barbie doll looks, she wasn’t shy. She oozed confidence. She always said, “Macy, you need to own those looks. Loosen up. Be sure of yourself. Guys find that sexy.” But I couldn’t then. Grandma used to say, “A lady is private. A lady keeps secrets meant only to be revealed with someone who is worthy.” Then Sarah and Jake won Junior Miss and Mr. Andersonville titles at the dance. She tried setting me up with Jake’s best friend Daniel. I saw her pointing in my direction. He shook his head no. When Kyle Stoddard, the class player, saw me sitting by the punch table tapping my foot like it couldn’t be any more obvious that I was a pitiful loser and asked me to come outside I didn’t say no. When he told me he’d been watching me all night and wanted to show me something I didn’t say no. When he told me I was the hottest thing he’d ever seen grace the halls of Andersonville High and offered me a beer he stashed behind the bus barn across the parking lot I didn’t say no. And when he asked me to show him things I’d never shown a boy, I didn’t say no. Oh, God how I wish I could take back those series of decisions. I singlehandedly destroyed my family. Did I really think that going against everything I ever believed in would give me the attention from guys I felt like I deserved? Was it worth it, Macy?
I have to see Sarah. I scan the track. She should be out there somewhere. She’s been my running buddy since fourth grade, and we decided to enter the 5K at our town’s summer festival. We took first and second in the under 10 age division. We ran neck-and-neck the whole time. Unlike the Thomas twins, we’d decided to run our hardest the last 100 yards, no matter who won. Part of me thinks she let me cross the finish line first. I guess I’ll never know. My eyes leave the track to explore the field event areas. Sometimes Sarah does the high jump. It’s on the far side of the field, so I have to hang out of the car a little to get a better view.
“Macy?” asks a voice from behind my car. I freeze. “Macy?” he asks again. “Where the hell have you been? Does Sarah know you’re back?” It’s Daniel. I recognize that voice, low and kind of gravely, in a sexy sort of way. But right now it sounds more terrifying than anything else I’ve heard in a long time.
“Don’t tell her I was here, Daniel. Please don’t.”
“Why not? She was mad as hell that you left. You might as well have punched her in the gut. It felt the same.” I don’t know what to say. “But after she’s done screaming at you, I imagine she’ll be glad you’re back.”
“You don’t understand. I…I left to save…her.”
“Yeah, I know, all that crap about you making everyone close to you die. That’s ridiculous, a cop-out. Quit running from your feelings.”
“How do you know my feelings? And how do you know what Sarah’s thinking?”
“Oh, you don’t know. That’s right. You’ve been gone.”
“Don’t know what?” I’m afraid of the answer. Don’t know Sarah’s sick? I do know. Deep down in my heart I know something awful is going to happen to her because of me.
“We’re dating,” he says. Oh, thank God.
“What a relief,” I whisper.
“Well, I’m glad you’re happy about something. Now get your butt out of the car and apologize to your best friend.”
“I can’t, Daniel. I just needed to know.…”
“To know what?”
“To know that she’s okay.”
“She has me, why wouldn’t she be okay?” I know he’s trying to act tough, but he cares. I can tell the way he’s protecting her.
“If you really love Sarah, you won’t tell her I was here. Goodbye, Daniel.”
I am crying as I fly out of Andersonville. The car seems to know where to go. I need to face my reality. I park the car at the cemetery. The headstones rise like giants atop the hill. I walk toward them and trace the names engraved on the stones. Michael Tatum, devoted father and husband. Laura Tatum, loving daughter and sister. Nina Tatum, loving wife, mother, and grandmother. Grandma’s name is freshly engraved on the tombstone she shares with Grandpa who died before I was born. The tears fall, trying to cool my burning face. I feel faint. I am tired. I am tired of running. I am tired of the people I love the most dying. I lie down on the ground across the graves of my family and close my eyes.
“Damn you, Macy Tatum, what the hell are you doing? Macy! Macy!” I feel my body being shaken. There’s screaming in my ear. I just want it to stop. I need to rest. I need to.… Where am I?
“Wh..at?” I ask. Then I see her. It’s Sarah. Her ponytail pulled high up on the back of her head is shaking back and forth as she’s yelling at me. When she gets mad, a little worry line forms on her forehead between her eyes. I stand up and hug her. I don’t mean to, but I’ve missed her so much. At first she’s stiff, but when we unfold our arms we’re both in tears.
“You know, I’m still really mad at you,” Sarah sobs.
“I…know,” I say.
“You can’t leave again.”
“I have to. I should leave right this minute.” Then it hits me full force like a truck crossing the median at seventy miles an hour. “Oh, no! I have to leave now!” I turn to run back to the car. She lunges for my leg. I fall.
“No! You are not running away!” Sarah yells.
“I have to. If I don’t something horrible is going to happen to you.”
“You need help, Macy. You have got to stop blaming yourself. You didn’t cause anyone to die. You were dealt some shitty cards, I’ll give you that. But not every hand’s going to end that way. You can’t give up on life. You can’t give up on your life.” I still sit on the ground. I need to leave. My heart won’t let me. I stare at the headstones of my family. It all seems like a terrible nightmare, but it’s not.
“They wouldn’t want you to give up,” she says. “And your mom needs you. Don’t you realize that what you’ve done by leaving has killed the only thing she had left in life? You’re so afraid that you’re responsible for the death of your loved ones that you don’t realize your leaving has pushed your mom over the edge.”
“What’s wrong with my mom?”
“She’s sad. She’s depressed. She’s heartbroken. Macy, you broke her heart when you left. She’s lost her husband, her mother, her daughter, and now you, too.”
“But it was all my fault,” I say.
“Nobody believes that but you.”
“If I hadn’t…hadn’t…”
“If you hadn’t what, Macy? What did you do that was so bad that you blame yourself for the death of your family?” I can’t stop sobbing. I just want to forget. The shame. The fear. The pain. I want it to end. Sarah shakes me by the shoulders.
“Tell me. Tell me. If you don’t you’ll never
get past it. You can’t keep running.”
“I…know. I know.”
“Tell me right now. I won’t let you leave until you do.” I sigh and take a deep breath. I should have told Sarah the truth a long time ago.
“I thought I was pregnant,” I whisper.
“What?” Sarah asks. I know she didn’t see that one coming.
“I don’t understand, Macy. You didn’t even have a boyfriend.”
“Let me start at the beginning.” Sarah sits down next to me and nods her head.
“The night of homecoming our sophomore year when you tried to set me up with Daniel and he blew me off, I was feeling pretty low. Kyle came over, started telling me all these nice things about me, and I…I…” Sarah squeezes my hand. “I went outside with him. He gave me a beer or two or three. Too many, that’s for sure. He picked the lock to the bus barn and I let him…Oh, Sarah, I let him…” I am sobbing again. She pulls me closer. I cry into her shoulder. She strokes my hair like Mom used to do when I was little and sad. “It was only one time. I swear it was only one time, but then my period didn’t come. I freaked out and told Mom. She promised not to say anything to Dad until I knew for sure. She bought me the tests, but before I could use them, Dad saw the pharmacy bag on the counter. He freaked out, started demanding to know what the hell was going on. He made me take the test right then. I took three because I just didn’t believe it. They were negative, all of them. But my period still didn’t come for a couple of more days. He was crushed, Sarah. I wasn’t his little girl anymore. They argued all the time. Dad accused Mom of knowing I was having sex and keeping it from him which wasn’t even true. They fought all the time over me, and no one once asked me what I thought about anything. Dad threatened to have Kyle charged with rape, but we were both underage. Dad got so mad, he moved out. Mom said he’d be back, that he needed to blow off some steam. But he didn’t come home. And then he had that stupid accident…and died. Don’t you see, it was all my fault.” I gulp air like I can’t breathe, but it feels so good to get everything out in the open. “If I hadn’t hooked up with Kyle, Dad and Mom never would have split up. And Laura? She died because I was so angry with Mom for confining Laura to the house because she was afraid she’d turn out just like me if given any freedom. When I called Mom out on it, we’d had a big fight. She let Laura go to the gas station that day just to shut me up. Laura died because of me, too! Don’t you get it?” I am screaming now. I don’t care.
“Macy! Macy!” Sarah is shaking me now. My face is tingling as I tighten my muscles with each heaving sob. “Macy, you did not cause this. You did not! I hate to remind you of this, but your parents fought as long as I knew them. Your dad didn’t move out because of a fight with your mom over something you did.”
“But what I did broke any chance they ever had at staying together to work out their differences. They realized they’d never agree on anything anymore.”
“Your thinking is so warped, Macy. To think your dad and sister died because of…”
“And Grandma. That’s my fault, too.” I wipe my tears with the back of my hand.
“Your Grandma had a heart attack,” says Sarah.
“She died of a broken heart, all set up to shatter into a million pieces that night I went away with Kyle. Everything can be traced back to that night.”
“I wish you had told me. I would have listened.”
“I was too embarrassed.” I close my eyes. I wish I could stay here forever. I wish I could shut out the world.
“Macy, a lot of girls have sex, maybe even before they should, but nothing bad happens because of it. Well, yeah, there’s pregnancy and diseases and stuff, but you know what I mean.”
“Yeah, but I had sex because I thought a boy would make it all better, a boy I didn’t even like, a boy with a reputation. Do you know what that says about me and my character? That’s what hurt Dad the most, too. He worked with Kyle’s dad. He knew what a loser he was. I let him down.”
“But Kyle never even said anything, Macy. If you were just another notch on his belt, he’d have blasted it all over school.”
“Dad threatened to have his dad fired if Kyle said anything.”
“Listen, please stop running. You can get through this. You have to. You have your whole future ahead of you.”
“I’ve caused my family enough pain. The only people that mean anything to me are you and Mom. Now, I’ve probably screwed you up by coming here today.”
“That’s just silly,” Sarah says. “Nothing is going to happen to me. Can’t you hear how ridiculous that all sounds saying it aloud?” I sigh. It does feel better getting everything out in the open. And maybe Sarah’s right. I don’t know. It’s all so confusing. Nothing I can do can make Dad and Laura and Grandma come back. If my staying away can save my mom, then I will. “Your mom needs you.”
“She needs me to stay out of her life. I have to go.” I stand up and wipe the grass and dirt from my pants.
“I wish you wouldn’t.”
“I know. I love you, Sarah. I always will.” We hug tightly. I turn to go.
“Can I contact you?”
“You can text, but don’t count on a reply.”
“Are you living nearby?”
“I can’t tell you that.”
“You should finish school.”
“I am.”
“If you can’t come back, Macy, then make your life worth something your family would be proud of. And be happy.”
“Goodbye, Sarah.” I walk toward the car and don’t look back.
Chapter 6:
I’ve been at Woodson for two weeks now. My plan is working, for the most part. The girls have relegated me to bitch status for my perceived unfriendliness, except for Carmen. She’s the hanger-on-er. She gets me despite the fact that she doesn’t really know anything about me. There is an unspoken mutual respect. On those days when I can’t eat in the courtyard by myself because of bad weather, there’s been an open seat by her. She doesn’t expect anything in return. I don’t give it. The guys have been a bit more persistent. I get random texts all the time. “Meet me at lunch? Meet me at the track? Meet me behind the bleachers?” Yeah, my days of “meeting” any guy are long gone. I’ve learned my lesson. Trust me. No one is to blame for that night with Kyle but me. I am in complete control of my life now. I won’t make that mistake again.
“Getting your daily dose of Vitamin D?” That one boy who won’t leave me alone.
“Yeah, Ty, you nailed it.”
“I’ve been meaning to work on that myself. The doctor said he was concerned about me,” he says.
“You know, the cool thing about the sun is that it’s not exclusive. It gives freely and anywhere on school grounds,” I say.
“Not true, Mae Tatum. Have you heard of shade? Not so conducive to sunshine.”
“You got me there.”
“Finally, you admit defeat. While you’re in a weakened state then, I have a question for you.” I wish I could just close my eyes to Ty, but his persistence is cute, not annoying. I need to be careful. I stare into his blue eyes and wait. “So, I know you’ve only been here a few weeks and may not know this, but there’s a rite of passage in high schools across the country called prom.” I roll my eyes. “I can see you’ve heard of it. Great. Then go with me. Be my date. No cute proposals, no balloons delivered to you during class, no message in rose petals, no frosted cookie declaring my intent. Be my date. Simple. Easy. Okay?” I’ve never seen Ty look insecure, but that’s exactly how I would describe his posture. He looks past me over my shoulder. He starts sniffling like he has an imaginary cold.
“I can’t, Ty. I’m sorry.” I am, too. It’s easier to reject people when they think I’m a bitch. But sometimes people see through the tough exterior. And then it’s harder to keep acting. But I can’t let him in. “Ty, you will have no trouble getting any girl at this school to be your date. You know it, too.”
“I don’t want ‘just any girl’. I want you…to be my dat
e.” I feel my face getting warm despite the clouds that have blown in blocking the sun.
“Because you’re used to getting what you want, and I’m a challenge?” I counter.
“Cut the crap, Mae. It’s because you’re not superficial or vain. You’re deeper than most of the girls here. I won’t lie. I want to know what’s under that tough shell.”
“Trust me. You don’t.” I grab my backpack to go back into the school. It’s starting to drizzle. I need to escape. Ty puts his hand on my arm as I stand up.
“Trust me. I do. Okay, fine. Do you need the fancy proposal? I can do that. Meet me on the school roof at 3:30. I’ve got to get to the hardware store to buy spray paint for the front yard. You can read fine, right?” He winks at me, and those pretty blue eyes keep me fixed in this spot, though I should leave. The rain is a soft, steady cadence now. Ty’s bangs are sticking to his forehead. I feel things inside that I don’t like. “Seriously, just go to the dance with me. If you do, and you don’t have a good time, I will stop bugging you. I promise.”
The rain is dripping down my back. I undo my ponytail to shake out the water. I notice a crowd of people at the cafeteria windows watching the two of us, standing in the now steady rain. So much for fitting in. I know what I must say. I should leave this courtyard. I should leave this school. But I can’t. Sarah told me to be happy. She gave me permission. What if I’m wrong? What if?
“Yes,” I whisper. “I’ll go. One night.” Before I can stop him, Ty picks me up in an embrace that sends shudders through my body.
