by Marcy Blesy
I have a sense of déjà vu when I park in front of The Woodson Center. I can’t help but wonder what has happened with Patsy. Ty didn’t bring her up on Christmas. I should reach out while I’m here, maybe tomorrow. I helped her once before. Maybe she’ll listen to me. For now, I have other business to attend to. The butterflies in my stomach make me feel like a little girl again.
I know I look good as I walk into The Woodson Center. People are turning to stare at me. That, or I have a huge zit that blew up on my nose during the hour drive or a stream of toilet paper hanging from my stilettos. I smile and nod at the strangers. I look for a face I might know.
“Well, damn girl, you cleaned up fast!” It’s Carmen. I am so happy to see a familiar face. I throw my arms around her. “Careful. You’ll smash my bow!” Carmen is wearing a short fuchsia dress with a huge bow over one shoulder. It’s exactly something Molly Ringwald would have worn in a classic 80s movie.
“I love the new red hair,” I say.
“Thanks.”
“Are you here with Darren?” I feel guilty not knowing anything about Carmen’s love life or anything in her life, for that matter. I haven’t done a good job keeping in touch with the only female friend I had during my stint away from home.
“He’s so yesterday. I’m solo tonight. There are several eligible bachelors here, my friend, if Ty doesn’t live up to your standards.”
“I think he will. It’s me that needs to live up to his standards.”
“Don’t sell yourself short, Mae.”
“Have you seen Ty?”
“I saw him earlier in the evening. He’s here with some guys from Woodson Prep. They were sitting at a big table over near the dance floor.”
“Thanks.” I give Carmen an air hug. “I’ll be a better friend. I promise.”
“Say goodbye before you love birds leave.”
“Promise,” I say.
I scan the tables near the dance floor. The Woodson Center is even more crowded than it was the night of the fundraiser for the domestic violence shelter. The crowd’s much younger, too. I recognize some of the kids from Woodson Prep and receive some cursory head nods when I’m noticed, too. Ty is sitting with some of the guys from school, just like Carmen said. From behind I can tell he’s wearing a button down shirt, probably the Rock & Republic navy blue one I bought for Mom to give him for Christmas. His hair is controlled with gel, and I can imagine he’s wearing my favorite Calvin Klein cologne. I walk a little faster. I just need him to see me and to know we’re okay.
“Ty,” I say. He turns around. My heart skips a beat. “Hey, surprise!” Ty’s gaze travels the length of my body, but he doesn’t smile.
“Hi, Mae. I didn’t know you were…. You should have called.”
“I…I wanted to tell you something. Carmen told me you’d be here. I…I…didn’t think you’d mind.” My heart, filled to capacity only seconds below, is slowly deflating like a balloon in cold air. I stand still, not knowing how to go off-script from the scene I’d been imagining. I know I have to tell him why I came. I can’t leave until I do. I lean in close to insure Ty hears me over the booming bass. “I want to enjoy our relationship in the present tense. I’m not worried about our future anymore.” It sounded so good in my mind. Now it only sounds lame. He raises his eyes at me.
“Do you really think that’s possible for you, Mae?” A shot to the heart with an arrow could be no less painful.
“I do. And I’ve filled out my transfer application for U of M. I’m going to apply and see what happens.” Ty looks past me as if he’s not heard a word I’ve said.
“Hey, baby, sorry it took so long. The bartender is swamped.” Jess hands a beer to Ty before she sees me. “Who invited her?” she asks. Her blonde hair is knotted on top of her head, and large hoop earrings shake back and forth as she points at me. If I thought my body popped in this dress, then Jess’ body is exploding. Her metallic glove of a dress sparkles every time the disco ball rotates nearby. She isn’t the one that needs my attention, though.
“How could you, Ty? Baby? Don’t you think you owed it to me before you moved on to that stage?” For once, Ty is the one who looks like he wants to bolt. He takes the beer from Jess.
“It’s not what you think, Mae.”
“It’s never what I think, is it, Ty?”
“Don’t do this here.”
“Then where shall we do it? Because I’m not leaving. Despite what you think, I’m not leaving until I hear the words from your mouth.”
“I’ll be right back,” he says to Jess. “Thanks for the beer.”
“Sure thing, Baby.” I think I’m going to be sick. Ty walks out into the hallway and down toward the bathrooms. There’s a seating area, but I’m not sitting. I stand with my hands on my hips and tears streaming down my eyes, waiting for Ty to speak.
“It’s not what you think,” he says.
“You already said that.”
“I have not cheated on you. Jess and I are just getting reacquainted. She’s a flirt.”
“I was not born yesterday,” I say.
“It’s all true except…well, she’s been up to U of M more than once. She stays with friends, but we’ve hung out in groups. And then….”
“And then what, TY?” People heading into the bathrooms are starting to stare, but I don’t give a damn.
“All your talk about our future has been freaking me out a little bit. I can’t make any promises, Mae. Your ideals are too great. I get it. I know what you’ve been through and why you need those guarantees, but it’s too much pressure. Look at Patsy. She promised she’d stay clean, and where is she right now? Spending New Year’s Eve in county jail for drug possession. I’m still a product of my genetics, Mae, no matter who has raised me. I can’t promise the future any more than Patsy can.”
“That is the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever heard. What happened to you, Ty?”
“For the first time in my life, I can be myself. I don’t have to be the perfect country club son. I’m free to just be Ty. I like my freedom. I like not having to live up to anyone’s expectations.”
“But I don’t understand. You said you loved me.”
“I meant it every time I said it, Mae. I tried to convince myself. I really did.”
“And Jess?” I am barely audible.
“Jess is just fun. She’s helped me to relax.”
“You’re choosing fun over us?”
“I’m sorry. I…can’t, it’s easier this way.”
“Say it! SAY IT!”
“Yes, I am.”
“You’re an asshole.”
“I know.”
“Wow.” It is at this moment that I am filled with rage. I want to take my stilettos and throw them at his heart, tearing it to threads like he’s done to mine.
“Mae.” It’s spoken so quietly I barely hear my name.
“Carmen?”
“You’d better go now, Ty. Before I smash your face in and expose you to be the chicken-livered fool you really are.” He nods in agreement. Not another word passes his lips. I watch my future walk down the hallway and turn the corner to his new life. “Come on.” Carmen is guiding me by the elbow and walking me toward coat check. Then we are outside. One foot walks in front of the other on autopilot. There is no need for more tears. What will they gain me? “Follow me to my apartment, Mae. You can stay the night,” says Carmen.
“How did you know?” I ask.
“Some of the guys from school told me there might be trouble. Mae, I didn’t even know Jess was here. I’m so sorry.”
“I really am surprised. I never thought he’d.…”
“I know. Patsy’s been in the paper, part of a big drug bust. Everyone knows his connection to her. He’s obviously not in his right mind. People change. He’s a dumbass. You’re better off without him. You deserve someone who treats you the way you deserve, the way any of us do.” I stare at Carmen.
“I can’t stay with you, Carmen. Thanks for the offer. And than
ks for everything. I will be in touch. I promise.” I drive away from The Woodson Center without another glance in my review mirror. I don’t take time to process if what I’m doing is what’s best or a reaction to my roller coaster emotions, but tonight I don’t want to be alone.
The time on the dashboard is screaming 11:45 pm when I pull into the parking lot of Matt’s apartment building. I don’t even know if he’s home. Why would he be? It’s New Year’s Eve, but I see light coming from his window. As I walk closer to the door, I can hear the Xbox screaming blasts of gunfire. I wipe my face with my hands, hoping the smeared makeup transfers to my fingers. I knock. I knock louder. The television is lowered.
“Mae?” says Matt when he opens the door.
“Hi. I’m sorry I didn’t call. I should have. I know it’s late. I know it’s New Year’s Eve. I know I look like a fool. Oh my gosh, are you alone? I should have asked. I’m being so rude….”
“Mae, slow down. I’m alone. What are you talking about? Get in here. It’s freezing outside.” I step inside. There’s a pizza box on the coffee table, replacing the empty one from the last time I was here. Only this time there are three slices left. I am suddenly aware of how hungry I am. Matt follows my gaze. “Did you come for dinner?” He chuckles. I love that laugh. He’s easy, so easy to be with, exactly what Ty said I wasn’t.
“Yes, I mean, no, I didn’t come for dinner, but if you’re offering, I would love some pizza.” Matt goes to the kitchen to get a paper plate and napkin. He hands me a beer. It’s a Pabst Blue Ribbon. I can’t help but laugh when I see it.
“Sorry, I know it’s cheap, but what can I say? I’m a college student.”
“No, I love it. My dad—it reminds me of my dad.”
“And that’s a good thing?” he asks tentatively.
“Yes, it’s a good thing.” Matt takes my jacket and replaces it with a blanket from behind the couch.
“Uh, I have to say that you look amazing tonight, but a short strapless gown in the middle of winter is probably not the wisest choice for a midnight visit.” I look down at my dress and hike it back up to a more secure position. “I take it you had other plans tonight besides eating leftover pizza and playing Xbox?”
“I did. I’m sorry. I…Matt…I can’t…I shouldn’t. I’m not good for you.”
“Huh?”
“I’m trouble. I believe in shoes that drop and self-fulfilling prophecies and running away and….” An alarm goes off. “What’s that?”
“Um, oh, my alarm on my phone.”
“Do you have to take medicine or something” I ask.
“Ha! No. Don’t laugh, but I set the alarm for midnight so I could remember to send you a New Year’s text.” I don’t laugh. It’s one of the sweetest things I have ever heard. I pull Matt onto the couch next to me and kiss him. He kisses back, pulling me close to his chest. I don’t know if it is my heart or Matt’s that beats louder. When I pause for air, I know I need to tell Matt something, but he doesn’t let me. He kisses me again, finding the sweet spot on the back of my neck and sends shivers down my spine when he returns to my lips. I have to stop.
“Matt, wait.” I put my hand on his chest. “I’m not here for sex.”
“Shut up, Mae. I don’t expect that.” He kisses me again. I stop him.
“I’m really not a great girl to date. I just got out of a long relationship tonight. I am riddled with insecurities and am very needy. All I know is that I have fun with you. You make me laugh. You’re easy to be around. But give me the word, and I’ll leave right now. It’s really not fair to you at all that I’m here.”
“You do have a problem with talking, I’ll give you that. Mae, you’ve always been honest with me. I am thrilled that you are on the market. I don’t care if it happened six months ago or ten minutes. I like you. I like you a lot.”
“You’re not a second choice, Matt. I swear. I just couldn’t entertain any other thoughts as long as Ty and I had a chance. I’m not here to sleep with you. I’m not that kind of girl.”
“I know what kind of girl you are.”
“Well, then you might not see the next question coming. My mom thinks I’m still in Woodson, and I’d rather not have the whole Why are you home early? conversation,, so can I crash on your couch tonight?”
“No, I did not see that question coming. You can stay, on one condition.”
“Yes?”
“You have to change into a pair of my ratty sweatpants and oversized t-shirt to sleep in, or I can’t promise that I will be able to contain myself knowing you’re sleeping out here in that dress.” He points at my chest. I giggle.
“Agreed.”
When I come out of Matt’s room wearing his old high school sweats and a half-marathon t-shirt, he’s made a bed for me on the couch.
“Much better,” he says smiling.
“Thanks.” I curtsy with the t-shirt. “I didn’t know you were a runner.”
“I have secrets, too,” he says.
“I doubt it.”
“Don’t. I’m a dangerous person.”
“Whatever,” I say, throwing my pillow at him.
“You remember?”
“Huh?”
“You told me to call you Whatever when I met you,” he says.
“You have a great memory.”
“One of my many talents.”
“And when will I learn about the others?”
“All in good time, my dear. No need to rush. The future’s a long way away.”
“That it is,” I say.
“Thanks again, Matt.” He stares at me without saying anything. It makes me nervous.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“It’s been a long time since I’ve had a hot chick in my apartment. That’s all.”
“I doubt that.”
“It’s true.” He’s very serious so I know he’s being truthful.
“I believe you.” I do, too, but I know a face that hides a story when I see one. I’ve perfected the art of hiding stories. “Maybe someday we’ll swap stories,” I say.
“I think I might like that, Mae.” He bends down to kiss my cheek and then my other cheek and then my lips. He stops on my neck, just above my chest. Instead he takes the blanket and tucks it into my sides. “Sleep tight. Happy New Year.”
“Happy New Year, Matt.” He turns off the light and walks toward his bedroom. “Matt!”
“Yes?”
“What’s your resolution?” I call out.
“To be happy,” he says.
“Yeah, that’s a good one. Me, too. Mind if I share that one with you?” I say.
“Share being happy? Yeah, I could do that with you, Mae. Promise to hold me accountable.”
“I promise,” I say. I pull the blanket up to my chin and snuggle into my pillow. It’s not the start to the New Year I had planned. Maybe it’s the start I needed.
Thank you for reading To Love Me, the second book in the To Know Me Series. Please consider leaving a review at Amazon or Goodreads. I really appreciate your time. http://amzn.to/1nsbNSz
To Forgive Me
Table of Contents:
Chapter 1:
Chapter 2:
Chapter 3:
Chapter 4:
Chapter 5:
Chapter 6:
Chapter 7:
Chapter 8:
Chapter 9:
Chapter 10:
Chapter 11:
Chapter 12:
Chapter 13:
Chapter 14:
Chapter 15:
Chapter 16:
Chapter 1:
To forgive me is hard, I mean, to really forgive myself. The decisions I’ve made over the last couple of years haven’t always been perfect. I’ve hurt people, a lot of people. All I can do now is put one foot in front of the other and plow through my days, but I have to make a new decision and quick. The letter came last week, my acceptance into the University of Michigan. Now what? Stay at Andersonville Community College, live
at home, and develop my relationship with Matt, or go to Ann Arbor and face running into Ty? Would Matt forgive me? Could I forgive myself?
I haven’t been back to Woodson in the two months since Ty punched me in the gut with his unforgiving words. Your ideals are too great. It’s easier this way. Jess is more fun. It’s not even the fact that he’s chosen Jess over me that hurts the most. It’s that he’s given up on me. My baggage wasn’t worth his time anymore. He’s texted and called a lot since then. Every couple of days I’ll get an I’m thinking of you or I’m such a jerk text. I haven’t answered one of his messages. It wouldn’t be fair to Matt since he’s been the most perfect guy about the whole thing. I wouldn’t call him my boyfriend yet, but we have a lot of fun together, fun that Ty thought I was no longer capable of having. Whatever. My relationship with Matt has proven that I still know how to have a good time despite my past. It’s easier with Matt, though, because he has no idea about my past and how I ran away thinking I was to blame for my family’s untimely deaths and how I frazzled my mom by being gone for nearly a year. He knows I’m insecure and feel inadequate in most things, but he never tries to fix me like Ty did. He’s an ever ready hug when I need it, though he wants to be a whole lot more.
But today I’m driving to Woodson to tell Ty that I was accepted into University of Michigan. I need to see his jaw hit the floor knowing that I went ahead and sent in the damn application and that I defied the odds and got in with only one semester under my belt at a community college. It’s a validation of my worth that I need him to know, and doing it over the phone would not be good enough.
Matt thinks I am furniture shopping with my mom. Ever since she joined the widow’s support group in town, she’s had a lot more interest in engaging in the ordinariness of life. Right now that energy is directed at the house. She’s already gotten a new bedroom set and changed the carpet in the living room and hallway. A big kitchen renovation complete with new cabinets, countertops, and appliances is planned after the living room furniture arrives. She said she got a new home loan to pay for the updates. I don’t care where the money came from, though, as long as she’s happy. Plus, she has some new friends to go with to dinner or the movies. One of them is Greg because he’s called a few times. Mom refuses to get rid of the house phone line. I don’t know why because everyone I want to talk to calls my cell. It’s something about tradition and nostalgia, I guess, that won’t let her get rid of the number, so it’s not my fault I keep tabs with caller ID as to who’s calling. Of course, I did a google search on Greg. His Linkedin account shows that he is a bank president a couple of towns away and is a member of an amateur radio control airplane club. He sure looks lame on paper.
