by Marcy Blesy
“Not definitively, no. But with your breaking his heart and all and his weekly visits, it makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it?” I drop to a bench along the sidewalk. Leo shuffles from foot to foot. “I’m sorry, Mae. I’m going to go now. Please don’t hate me. You know I’d do anything for you.” As I watch Leo slink back to his car, I cannot believe the irony of my life. All I want is to be unconditionally wanted for being me, and everyone but the one man I want that acceptance from wants to give that to me. My phone dings again.
Lanie: Don’t forget. Be at the country club at 7:00. Shhhh…it’s a secret. I sigh.
Me: Not coming.
Lanie: NO! YOU PROMISED.
Me: I can’t share Matt. Sorry.
Lanie: You will break Matt’s heart.
Me: He’s already broken mine.
I shut down my phone and walk back home.
I’m about to get into bed when the doorbell rings. It’s only 9:00, but that’s kind of late for an unexpected visit. Oh, please don’t be my mom. I separate the blinds to peek outside. A young woman with a short blonde bob stands on the other side of my door. She looks a little older than me and vaguely familiar. I open the door a crack.
“Mae?” the woman says.
“Yes, can I help you?”
“I was actually hoping that I could help you.” The scrunched up muscles on my face and raised eyebrows convey what I am feeling inside: confusion. “My name is Liz. We met briefly in the rehabilitation center. I’m Kelcy’s sister.” My face relaxes and a new sensation of heat fills in the empty spaces as my heart rate accelerates.
“I don’t know why you’re here,” I whisper.
“Can I come in and explain? I’ve driven a long way.” Despite my concern, I open the door and let Liz inside. She stands in my entryway until I direct her to sit on the couch. She takes a glass of water and I sit across from her on the loveseat, cuddling a pillow. For comfort? For protection? To create a barrier to whatever she has come to tell me? She takes a deep breath before she begins.
“Lanie asked me to come.”
“Lanie?”
“Yes, she said you backed out of Matt’s surprise party tonight.” I nod my head but don’t speak. “She worked really hard to plan your visit. Matt’s been a bit of a mess since the two of you broke up.”
“Can you just cut to the chase, please? I don’t understand why you’re here.”
“Okay. I know why the two of you broke up.”
“So?” I ask.
“Since Kelcy can’t speak well for herself, I’m here on her behalf.”
“I know they’re back together,” I say. She looks up from her purse which she’s been clutching as I play with the tassels on the end of my pillow.
“No, they are most certainly not back together.”
“But, he said…Leo said that Matt’s been going home every weekend, and I know she’s home from the center. And even if that’s not why he’s going home so often, I know that he never had the courage to end things with her because of…because of the accident.”
“Mae, Matt took that accident hard. He felt 100% guilty for what happened to Kelcy. And, quite frankly, his decisions to drive so fast on wet pavement did lead to what happened to Kelcy. We were angry for so long, but with time we’ve come to forgive him. No one took her diagnosis harder than him, and we let him suffer. We were so angry that he acted so stupidly that we were happy to watch him suffer. Does that make sense?” I nod my head. “But we’ve had a lot of therapy since then, and we’ve prayed a lot, and it became time to let go of that anger and free Matt from his obligation.”
“What does this have to do with me?” I hug my pillow close to my chest again.
“Because this week we told Matt the truth that we’ve kept hidden all these years.”
“I don’t understand.”
“The night of the accident Kelcy had been very agitated. She was acting like a crazy lady, pacing the house, throwing clothes all over the room, screaming into the phone.” She pauses while I wait for her to continue. “I waited for her to stop throwing a fit and demanded that she explain what the heck she was so upset about. She told me that she had caught Wayne Miller kissing Heather Steinbrook.” I shake my head in confusion. “I know. I didn’t get it either. She told me that she’d secretly been dating Wayne behind Matt’s back for a month and that she’d planned on ending things with him that night, but since catching Wayne with Heather, she wasn’t sure what she should do about Matt.” I hold my hand over my mouth and feel the air exhaling, like the heat over a campfire warming my cold hands.
“And you never told Matt,” I say.
“Not until a few days ago.”
“You let him think that Kelcy was still in love with him.” Liz shakes her head yes and tears fall silently down her cheeks. “That’s awful,” I say.
“I know.”
“And Lanie knows?”
“Yes, she does now.”
“And she was planning on a reunion for Matt and me?”
“She was going to surprise Matt.”
“Why didn’t he call me himself?” I ask.
“Because he didn’t think it would matter to you.”
“Since he’d let guilt and obligation rule his life, even over his love for me,” I say, filling in the blanks.
“Something like that, I guess. But does it matter to you, Mae?” I take a deep breath and exhale again.
“Liz, I never liked sharing Matt with Kelcy, which is what I felt like I was doing, but I always understood his obligation. I didn’t agree with it after all this time, but how can you not respect a guy’s desire to make something good out of the catastrophe his choices caused in your sister’s life? But knowing that Kelcy wasn’t in love with Matt anymore does change how I feel. There was part of me that felt horrible for her and guilt over my role in wanting Matt to break her heart. But, Liz, does she think she’s in love with Matt since her brain isn’t…wired quite the same now?”
“She does think Matt loves her, but she thinks that the doctor loves her, too, and the janitor that would come to mop the floors in her rehab room. She also hates Matt, and the doctor, and the janitor. My point is, her emotions are all over the map with everyone she meets.”
“But ultimately, Matt still caused that accident.”
“He did, but our family no longer blames him. It was an accident. He’s free to live his life as he chooses, and he needed to know the truth.”
“You’ve set him free.”
“We’ve set ourselves free, Mae, and it’s something we should have done as a family a long time ago.” She stands to go.
“Liz, you can’t drive back to Iowa tonight. It’s too far.”
“I’ll get a hotel room,” she says.
“Don’t be ridiculous. The couch pulls out to a bed. Just let me get a change of sheets.” She puts her hand gently on my arm.
“After all I’ve done to potentially destroy your relationship, and you still ask me to stay?” Her eyes fill with tears again. I squeeze her hand.
“It’s my pleasure, Liz. You’ve given me a glimmer of hope that’s been missing.”
As I lie in bed digesting the events of the last week—Ty’s unexpected visit, Leo’s interpretation of that visit, Matt’s surprise party that wasn’t, and Liz’s revelation—I can’t help but be emotionally exhausted. I’m too tired to sleep, the one thing my body craves most. Now what? Does Matt feel free enough from Kelcy knowing that she didn’t want to be with him any more to let her go, to stop the façade? And if he does, should that be good enough for me to take him back, if that’s even what he wants? He should have chosen me no matter what Kelcy’s feelings were the night of the accident. It’s all so confusing. Matt leaves next weekend for school. We haven’t talked in weeks. Is there even time to see where our relationship stands?
Somewhere in the tangle of blankets and five pillows that litter my bed, I must have fallen asleep. The pillow closest to my head is spotted with drool. If that’s not evidence
of a deep sleep, I don’t know what is. I head to the kitchen to put an instant cup of coffee into the microwave, something I rarely do. It’s not until I see a pile of folded sheets on the couch that I forget I even had a house guest last night, but Liz is gone. A note on the kitchen table reads,
Dear Mae,
Thanks for letting me stay last night. And thanks for not throwing me out when I told you the truth. It’s rare in this world to find someone who really accepts you for who you are. If you think Matt is that special person, then don’t waste another minute. Life is too unpredictable, as you well know. Maybe I’ll see you around Iowa sometime.
Sincerely,
Liz
I pick up the note and reread it again. If anyone knows about the unpredictability of life, it’s me. Heck, that reality has ruled my emotions for years. And maybe you need to suspend reality every once in a while to get what’s best for you, even if you can’t really explain its logic. After calling Garry to tell him his star employee won’t be making it in today, I pack my bag for Iowa. Unlike my usual overpacking, I don’t give much thought to my choices. Speed is my driving force as I just want to be there, to see Matt. I brush out my hair, add a bit of makeup, and slip on an orange and white polka dot sundress because it highlights my tan. Just as I’m ready to walk out the door, my phone dings. I assume it’s mom telling me to drive safely, but it’s not.
Liz: Hi. It’s Liz. Just got home. Thanks again for letting me stay.
Me: No problem.
Liz: Lanie told me Matt has left for school. Thought you’d want to know.
I drop the duffel bag at my feet. If Matt is gone, that can’t be a good sign. I am crushed.
Chapter 8:
I start classes today at Andersonville Community College. Finishing my generic degree in business with an emphasis in English likely won’t get me a dream job anywhere. More than likely, I’ll end up a bank teller, stuck in Andersonville forever. At least I’ll have more options with an associate degree than only a high school diploma. Depositing other people’s checks will be more gratifying than taking orders from pompous customers at Stewart’s, right? Who am I kidding? I make more in a week’s worth of tips than I’d make working at a bank. I just want to get this year over with.
“Hey!” I hear from behind as I walk out of the college bookstore. I turn around. Leo is standing next to the building and grinning.
“Leo, what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be leaving for ISU?”
“I leave tomorrow. I was hoping to find a book for my computer programming class.”
“Trying to get a head start?” I ask.
“Something like that. Do you start classes today?”
“Yeah, marketing starts in an hour.”
“Mae, I talked to Matt.” If I could feel my heart skipping a beat at the mention of Matt’s name, I’m sure that’s what I’d be feeling right now.
“That’s nice.”
“Really? Nice?”
“What am I supposed to say, Leo?”
“Matt left without calling me, even after he knew he didn’t need to pretend with Kelcy. That speaks volumes.”
“Look, I know I gave you the wrong information before, and I was really hoping I’d see you before I left so that I could apologize, but I’m not wrong when I tell you that Matt isn’t over you.”
“Well, if that were true, it would be nice to get a text or a call.” I look at my phone.
“Don’t be so sure, Mae.” He moves closer, bends down, and kisses me on the cheek. “And whoever you end up with will be the lucky one, not the other way around. Don’t ever forget how special you are.” I stand there watching Leo walk away and wonder what he means but also hoping desperately that he’s right.
Mom and Greg are hosting their wedding rehearsal dinner tonight at a Chinese restaurant in downtown Andersonville. She’s been a basketcase all day. What if I counted wrong on the number of meals we need? What if it rains? Where are the matches to light the candles? What if Aunt Nancy brings a date to the wedding and flaunts it in front of Uncle Oscar? And if she does, that will throw the count off, and then we’ll be one prime rib short! Honestly, I thought second weddings were supposed to be simple affairs, but I guess when your first wedding was with a justice of the peace in a courthouse because you’re three months pregnant, you want to do it right. So, the latest crisis with the rehearsal dinner really comes as no surprise.
“Mom, the vegetable egg rolls will not offend your cousin George. Just because he owns the largest cattle ranch in Wyoming doesn’t mean he can’t appreciate a good Chinese meal. I don’t understand why he’s even invited to the wedding rehearsal. You haven’t seen him in years.”
“Macy, I’ve told you this before. Any guests traveling from out-of-town deserve to be treated to a nice meal.”
“But they’re getting prime rib at the wedding reception. Can’t they find a McDonald’s for Friday night’s dinner? They have some pretty good hamburgers I hear.”
“Don’t be smart with me.”
“Settle down, Bridezilla, I was only joking.” Mom pulls the car off the road and into the parking lot of an empty bowling alley. Her eyes glaze over as she stares straight through the oversized bowling pin that flashes a neon sign that says OWLING ANES, OPENED SINCE 1972. “What’s wrong, Mom?” I ask, more gently.
“I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing,” she says in a whisper as the B flickers on the bowling pin.
“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course, you’re doing the right thing. Greg’s a good guy, and you two are good for each other.”
“But love comes with so many expectations. And hurts. Your Dad and I—”
“Mom, Greg isn’t Dad. You know I love him and miss him to pieces, but you and Greg have more in common in the short time you have known each other than you and Dad ever did.”
“You think so?”
“I know so. Now come on. We still have to check with the DJ to make sure he’s got your dance requests ready to go.” She nods her head and starts the car again. I guess you never stop doubting love, no matter how old you are.
Greg’s family was a nice surprise at the wedding rehearsal tonight. I expected a bunch of nerdy, quiet businessmen and mousy housewives, but I could not have been more wrong. His parents, though in their 80’s, put on quite the show with their habitual kissing and hand holding. If there were a reality television show featuring PDA for old couples, they’d make the perfect addition to the cast. Every time glasses were clinked for the soon-to-be bride and groom to kiss, Greg’s parents would lock lips first and everyone would ooh and ahh. You could tell Greg was going crazy because he crunched up his lips and rolled his eyes which made for a really awkward kiss with my mom, I’m sure, but who doesn’t hope that their partner will desire them this much after a lifetime together? Greg’s sister is an assistant women’s basketball coach for the Chicago Sky, a WNBA team. She’s almost a foot taller than her brother and held the crowd with her stories about famous people she’d met through the years. Maybe Mom marrying into this family will come with benefits.
I roll over in bed and check the time: 9:00 a.m. We’re supposed to get our hair done at 10:30. I turn on my phone to check my Facebook and Twitter feeds before embracing the hectic day.
Carmen, who rarely posts anything, has changed her status to “In a Relationship.” It’s not only that she’d share something so personal with people she claims not to give a damn about that is so surprising, but that the name of the person she is in a relationship with is Ty Barber. Well, it’s about freaking time they admit to themselves as well as the world that they like each other. I’m not jealous at all. Maybe my conversation with Ty helped him to see what he had right in front of him all this time. Not many girls would accept Ty despite his problems and be able to look past them to the good heart that he has. I wasn’t willing to do that anymore, but she is, and I’m grateful. I click Like and scroll through the rest of my feed.
Matt hasn’t posted anything new, but
I click on his page anyway. Someone named Marley has shared a link on his page called, “101 Romantic Nights.” I freeze. Who’s Marley, and why does she want my boyfriend to know about romantic nights? Boyfriend. He’s not my boyfriend now. He hasn’t called or texted in weeks. Nothing. I wonder if Matt is preparing their next date based upon this list. I wish I could click Unlike, but that’s only possible if I click Like first, which I absolutely do not. My phone dings, and I check my messages.
Mom: Don’t be late. Hair in 45 minutes.
Crap. I throw down my phone and jump in the shower. It’s going to be a long day, and spending it surrounded by forever love when I can’t get Matt unstuck from my head just plain sucks.
I pull up to the hair salon just in time. Mom is already in the hair stylist’s chair when I walk in. “Mom, looking good,” I say, eyeing her teased hair which is standing six inches off the top of her head.
“I am trying something new for the wedding. How could I not have thought to have a practice run with my hair, Macy?” She clutches the edge of the chair as her knuckles turn white. Where has my calm, cool, and collected mother gone?
“Mom, I’m sure Talia has done this a few times.” The 60ish hairdresser nods her head.
“Oh, yes, Macy. I’ve got just the perfect thing for your mother.” She gives me a thumbs up which reveals a gnawed off fingernail and chipped black fingernail polish. I smile to reassure Mom, though I know this hairdo will require my special supervision.
When Mom is presentable with a slightly less teased style, thanks to me, it’s my turn. Mom has picked out a white gardenia to go in my hair. As soon as Talia sees it, she starts plotting. “Oh, I love it, Macy. We’ll knot this beautiful hair up high on your head and stick the gardenia in right here.” She points to the side of my head behind my left ear.
“Uh, I think that’s a lovely idea, Talia, but I was thinking I’d leave my hair down. Is that okay with you, Mom?” I shoot her my best Bambi eyes and she nods knowingly.
“Why don’t you just brush it out, and we’ll see how it looks. I think your special bobby pins will do the trick.” Mom winks at me behind Talia’s back. Thank heavens.
