So I did what most people would do and avoided the problem. I don’t like confrontation. It was my hope that he would be too busy with soccer to notice. Aside from our weekly tutoring sessions, there wouldn’t be a reason to see one another. Like I’ve been saying from the very beginning, we run in two different social circles, two different crowds. But Sebastian had texted me every day asking how I was doing, saying good morning and good night. He even snapped me a photo of a math meme, saying it reminded him of me, which made me chuckle, a dangerous warmth entering my chest. In the end, I had screwed myself into falling for a guy who wasn’t falling for me.
Why did I ever agree to tutoring? It will be worse when I break it off with him. I’m certain now—there’s no way he can like me, not the way I like him. He said he wasn’t interested in sex, but was that the truth, or only what he thought I wanted to hear? It’s settled then. Avoidance, then the break.
Another knock. “Aidan, I know you’re in there,” Sebastian calls. “Open up.”
He’s going to wake the neighbors and I’m going to get a complaint. I do as he says, though reluctantly.
He stands in the hallway looking rumpled, but no less appealing to me. He wears a fitted green polo and khakis that hug his strong legs, and casual shoes. I watch a bead of sweat wind its way down his neck. I’m jealous of that sweat. He’s smiling at me. “Hey.” As he leans in for a kiss, I lean back, smelling beer on him. A lot of beer. Like he took a bath in the stuff.
Hurt flashes in his eyes. He goes still, staring at me in confusion. “Okay.” The word is drawn out.
“You reek of beer.” Suddenly, I’m furiously, blindingly livid. I’m furious at him for striding into my office that very first day and attempting to take advantage of me, but I’m even angrier at myself for giving him a second chance. The second chance was all he needed to show me how great of a guy he is. A guy I’ve already fallen for. It makes me think of the promise he made himself weeks ago, about staying away from drinking because it turns him into an idiot. Obviously he broke that promise. “I thought you said you weren’t going to drink anymore.”
He stands there, studying me in a quiet way. “I’m not.”
Incredulous laughter comes out of me. “I see. So the reason you smell like beer is because you haven’t been drinking? Sounds like a lie to me.”
I’m shaking from anger. Sebastian, on the other hand, is absolutely calm. “Are you going to let me explain?”
My anger deflates slightly, my shoulders lowering from where they had lifted to my ears. “Yes.”
He lifts a finger. “First of all, I’m not drinking anymore. I made a promise to myself, and in some ways, to you. I won’t break it.” He lifts another finger. “Second of all, the reason I smell of beer is because I went out with some of my teammates and one of them spilled some on me. I was the designated driver.”
A moment of silence descends. Sebastian continues to look at me without judgment, calmly waiting for a response. Not like the way I treated him.
“Oh.” It’s all I can say, because I feel like a total jerk.
He runs his hands through his curls in a gesture of impatience, the ends tangling with his fingers. “What’s the real problem here, Aidan, because for the past four days, you’ve done nothing but avoid me. And don’t give me a bullshit lie. I know you.” The words snap out of him. His face is flushed, his eyes a brilliant brown-gold. Why does he have to look so good when he’s angry, and at me no less? It’s not fair.
“There is no problem.” I run a hand through my hair, just as he did moments ago. “I have a lot on my plate and—”
He laughs. “And there you go again, lying.”
It’s true. I am lying. The sad thing is, I’m not a dishonest person by nature. I’m afraid. Of what I feel for him, of what he might not feel for me. The past few days have been utter agony. I want more from Sebastian than he’s willing to give me. If it’s tearing me up this much, something needs to change. The only way to reduce the tension is to tell the truth. It’s time to come clean.
“You want to know the reason I’ve been avoiding you?” I shout. “Because there’s no point in continuing this... whatever this is.” Flinging up my hands, I stare him in the face, feeling all the pent-up emotion that’s been building for the past few days bubble to the surface. “You want a fuck buddy, someone to hook up with when the time calls for it, but I’m not that person. I can’t have sex with a guy and not develop feelings for him, all right? So it’s better to call this whole thing off because we don’t want the same thing.”
I’m breathing hard, a little lightheaded. There. I said what I had to say, and it’s done. Maybe forever. And if it is? I’ll get over. Life will go on. It always has.
Sebastian tilts his head, considering me as if in a new light. He does this for so long a time I grow uncomfortable.
“What?” I say.
“You think all I want is a hook up?” Dangerously low, quiet voice. His gaze bores into mine with enough force to crush my lungs from the outside. There is nowhere to hide from his eyes.
The question staggers me. The ground is no longer steady beneath my feet. Somehow he managed to turn the tables, though I’m not sure how. “Um.” I swallow to bring moisture to my parched mouth. “Y-yes?”
With a heavy sigh, Sebastian rolls his eyes. He takes three steps forward to close the distance between us. “Can I tell you something?”
“You’re going to tell me regardless of my answer.”
“You’re right.” A crooked smile inches up the side of his face. “So please don’t take it personally when I say you’re an idiot.”
Okay, I wasn’t expecting that. Not the insult, but the smile. “What?” I’m seriously confused.
“Aidan.” Resting his hands on my shoulders, he gives them a squeeze. “I do like you. A lot. And I want to date you. A lot. Why do you think I’ve been trying so hard to hang out with you these past few months?”
It takes me a minute to process what he’s saying. “Because you want to sleep with me?”
“Well, yeah. I do. But guess what? We already did that, and I’m still here.”
Something goes still in me at his words. They ring with a truth I didn’t notice before. Sebastian isn’t someone who keeps his intentions in the dark. He’s been up-front about almost everything. That’s just the kind of guy he is.
Reaching out, he strokes a finger down the side of my face. The gesture is almost reverent. Tender. His gold-flecked eyes capture mine, and I see things I’ve never seen in his gaze before. It almost feels like he cares. And isn’t that ironic? “So what are you saying again?” It’s the type A in me. I need absolute clarity. This whole amorphous “hanging out” just confuses me.
“Would you prefer that I spell it out for you?”
A brief hesitation, then I nod.
“Aidan.” Wrapping his strong hands around my upper arms, he tugs me closer so we’re hip to hip. The unmistakable ridge of his erection pushes against my stomach. “I really want to date you. So how ‘bout it?”
The thought sends a little thrill through me. Of their own accord, my hands lift to rest against the wide plane of his chest. It’s warm, firm beneath my fingertips. Why does he always smell so good? “Are you asking me to be exclusive?”
“Yeah.” Another tug, and then his mouth is right against mine. “If you’ll have me.”
“That depends.” I swallow. The heat of his breath fans against my lips. They part, allowing the breath to flow into my mouth, onto my tongue, giving me a faint taste of him, of what’s to come in my future. “D-do we get to have sex whenever we feel like it?”
The creases around his eyes deepen. He’s trying hard not to smile, but I hear the humor in his voice. “I thought you were interested in all the motional stuff.”
“I like sex, just with a monogamous partner.”
“Mm. You like
my dick up your ass, is that it?”
Holy—!
The things he says. One day they’ll give me a heart attack. I swear it. “Yes.” My cheeks heat at the words. I’d be lying if I said feeling Sebastian inside me wasn’t the best thing I ever experienced in my life. Sex is only one part of a relationship, but it’s a really great part.
He makes a growly sound in his chest, skimming his palm down my side and over my butt. He presses against my crack, imitating something much thicker and larger than his finger. “Good. Because I like it too.” His laughter strokes up my nape, dark and sensual and naughty. “I like it a whole lot.”
The meeting of our mouths transcends a kiss and becomes something more. That’s the only way I can describe it. We’re kissing with our mouths, but it feels like we’re touching one another’s souls. In this moment, I feel whole, complete, and I want for nothing.
Kissing. Touching. No rush, no haste. Just feeling the other person, indulging in touch, the sounds of pleasure that twine around us. At some point Sebastian leads me to the couch. We lay down facing one another, his hands curved around my waist, mine moving to cup his jaw as I brush featherlight kisses to his cheeks, nose, and brow. His eyes flutter closed, and a sigh slips out, one of pure contentment. A feeling like happiness wells in my chest.
Suddenly, his phone rings. It’s a loud, startling loud, almost like a siren. I jolt against him. He groans into my chest. “Just ignore it.”
It stops, and we continue our exploration of each other. Ten seconds later, it rings again. Sebastian swears, apology in his eyes. “Just let me check. Might be my parents.” Digging the phone from his pocket, he peers down at the screen. A frown folds down the corners of his mouth. “It’s Noah.” Another look of apology. “I have to take this.”
“Sure, of course.” The worry on his face didn’t bode well. I’m guessing it was unusual for Noah to call Sebastian.
He puts the phone to his ear. “Yeah?”
The silence stretches five heartbeats long.
“What?” He jolts into a sitting position, a look of horror breaking open his face. The sight makes a buzz swarm through my gut. This doesn’t sound good. At all. “Are you serious? When?”
He stands, striding over to the opposite window and looking out. His shoulders are stiff as wood. “Give me ten minutes.”
Sebastian turns to me, heartbreak in his eyes. “It’s my brother, Mav. There’s been an accident.”
My heart plummets. I don’t remember standing, but I’m next to him, afraid to reach out and touch him, unsure if Sebastian would welcome the comfort of touch. He said he didn’t mind my touch, and he isn’t one to say something he doesn’t mean, so I squeeze his shoulder, wrap one of my arms around his waist. An accident sounds like… “Is he—?” I can’t say it.
His voice is hoarse. “Maverick is okay, thankfully. Car wreck. But his girlfriend—” His throat bobs. He whispers, “She didn’t make it.”
That uncomfortable emotion wraps around my throat and tightens viciously. There’s no longer any air to breathe. “Oh, my God. Sebastian, I’m so sorry.” My heart goes out to him and to his brother, their family.
“I’m going to my parents’ house. Mav is... not well.”
I hesitate, not sure if it’s my place. But he said we were dating, and I want to support him, be there for him, however he’ll let me. “Do you want me to come with you?” The question is tentative.
He seems almost surprised by my offer. “Would you? I know it’s late, but—”
“Of course. You don’t even have to ask.”
Chapter 21
Sebastian
Maverick is a wreck. Despondent. Completely comatose. Looking at him is like looking into the eyes of a corpse, something that had sparked life, once, but was eventually crushed by the pain of the world.
I can’t imagine having someone you love so deeply to be suddenly... gone. Never to return. Looking at my brother now, I hope I never do.
We sit in my parents’ living room in silence—Noah, Aidan and I, my parents, Kellan, and Mav. It’s late. For the past four hours, we’ve sat here listening to the sound of my brother’s sobs, his grief spreading through the air like a toxic cloud. You have to understand. My brother is one of the happiest people I know. I’ve never seen him so broken. And Kaylie’s death did break him. I can see it in his eyes.
Aidan is a warm presence beside me on the couch. His long thigh presses against my own, and his shoulder is nestled under my arm, his fingers toying with the ends of my hair in comfort. It soothes the restlessness I feel. Kellan sits on one of the armchairs, staring into nothing. Even Noah, normally doing everything in his power to avoid us, hasn’t reached for his Nintendo DS. No matter how different we are from one another, family comes first. Always.
The atmosphere is somber. No one knows what to say. When Aidan and I arrived, my parents welcomed him, but they were too concerned about Mav to give more than a half-hearted welcome. What can you say to someone who lost everything? Nothing.
Aidan puts his mouth against my ear. “Is there anything I can do?” he whispers.
I squeeze the back of his neck and murmur back, “You being here is enough.”
Kaylie was a lovely girl, a bright soul. She brought light to any room she walked into. She and my brother had been dating for almost three years. They met their junior year of high school in biology. My brother, unsurprisingly, hadn’t even brought a pencil to class with him. On day one, the teacher decided to open with a quiz worth twenty percent of their grade based on the summer reading. Mav, again unsurprisingly, hadn’t read anything over the summer.
Had he not sat next to Kaylie that day, he might have flunked biology on the first day. But she, being always prepared, had an extra pencil. And a look of pity thrown his way when it became clear Mav was floundering.
After that first class, it became a thing for them. They would sit next to one another. Kaylie would let Mav borrow one of her pencils. Mav would tease her for being so type A. Two months later, they were inseparable. Then we moved to London, and they remained stronger despite the distance. It was only when we transferred to Notre Dame, which she also attended, that they were reunited. I’m pretty sure he was going to ask Kaylie to marry him after graduation. But it looks like that will never happen.
After what feels like years, my mother gets to her feet. Her hand shakes as she brushes the hair from her face, and I know more than anything she wants to go to Mav, comfort him. She restrains herself.
“Would anyone like something to eat?” she asks, her voice echoing in the large space. She stands straight as a pillar, her hands clasped in front of her. Mav stares at his feet, tears dripping down his nose steadily. Noah blinks once, his eyes coming into focus. He looks to Kellan, who doesn’t acknowledge the question, his attention on our youngest brother. Kaylie was only twenty years old.
It’s Aidan who responds. “A cup of tea would be great, if you have it.”
My mother’s shoulders sag in relief at having something to do. I know Aidan said it as a favor to my mother, not because he’s a drinker of tea.
“That was nice,” I say to him when she disappears into the kitchen.
He shakes his head. “I wish there was something else I could do. Does your brother need anything?”
A few moments pass before I say, “He needs time, that’s all.” And until then, I’ll be there for him. We all will.
Helping my brother through his grief was something I had to take day by day, just like Noah and Kellan, just like my dad, my mom, just like all of us.
I stayed with Mav and my family all throughout the weekend, helping my mom around the house. For the most part, Maverick remained in his room, the door closed, lights off. The times he emerged were few. My mom had to knock on his door to make sure he was still breathing. I think she was afraid he’d do something drastic. We were all worried for
him.
He didn’t join us for dinner or Sunday breakfast. Noah, being the reclusive silent type, took a plate of food for him and left it outside his door, but hours later it remained untouched. I wish there was something I could do or say. Kaylie’s funeral was being held this Tuesday. Her parents had briefly stopped by. It was too hard looking at them—their hollow, vacant gazes. Kaylie’s mother took one look at us and broke down on the kitchen floor. Shit, my own eyes teared up. Grief wasn’t something you could keep inside yourself. It leaked out of you, permeated the room, leaving no one unaffected.
The following week passed in a blur. Following the day of Kaylie’s funeral, Mav went out and got smashed. I received a slurred voicemail at three in the morning and went to pick him up from where he had collapsed in an alley, his eyes bloodshot and his face covered in snot and tears.
“She’s gone,” he kept saying through his sobs as he rocked back and forth. “She’s gone, Seb.”
“I know,” I said, helping him to the backseat of the car, where he promptly passed out. Back at home, Mom was in hysterics.
The second week moved slower than the first, but eventually, it passed too.
I hadn’t seen Aidan since the night I got the call. We texted a few times, but I was too distracted by caring for Mav, and Aidan, being who he is, probably assumed I wanted space to process everything. He was right, to an extent. Having someone you love disappear from your life forever… I thought about it. I thought about it a lot.
The days I didn’t see Aidan made me ache for him in a way I’d never experienced before. At night while struggling to fall asleep, I’d stare at the ceiling and imagine him beside me, his gangly limbs wrapped around mine, his face pressed into my neck, a feeling of safety and closeness settling over me like the most perfect of blankets. I started thinking about how I’d feel if Aidan were suddenly gone from the world, and the thought caused me physical pain.
Sebastian (The Dumonts Book 1) Page 15
