by Rae Agatha
III
A month had passed. The Medal for Distinguished Contribution to American Letters lectures were one of her favorite classes to conduct. Not only the students were invested in their work, making the classes sheer pleasure to prepare and then to carry out, but Anna had to admit that she was waiting for those lectures because it meant seeing Brian.
Brian would always come, he was always attentive, active, listening, always had interesting observations to point out. It seemed he fit there very well, despite the fact he appeared there by accident at first. After a while, Anna became sure Brian was actually coming to the classes and doing his best to participate in them, not because of literature interests awaking inside of him, but because he wanted to impress her.
Sometimes they would exchange looks, sometimes smiles, sometimes she would literally feel his sight on her during the lectures and, by all means, it did not feel discomforting. On the contrary; she enjoyed it. Quite often, Brian would stay after the classes to ask her some more questions or to tell her he enjoyed the lecture. Anna had to admit, with every week she was becoming more and more glad that Heather had quit her job.
In the middle of October, Brian Grant sent Anna a friend invitation on Facebook and she had absolutely no idea what to do about it. It was her strong policy not to mix her private and professional lives, she was very indomitable about it and although she did have some of her ex-students among friends, Anna never allowed any line to be crossed until her very last classes and lectures with them ended. The Medal lectures were to take place until May, so receiving the invitation wasn’t very comfortable for her. She decided to postpone answering to it.
During the next lecture after the invitation, Brian felt different, he seemed distracted. Anna even had a feeling he was avoiding her, which was odd. She thought that perhaps he was angry at her for not accepting his invitation, and, for her, it only proved she made the right decision by not answering. She was expecting Brian to stay after the lecture and talk with her about it, however, he left with other students, saying only plain “good-bye” as he was leaving. It was a bit surprising and Anna thought that apparently she must have hurt his feelings. Oh well. About two hours later, she was sitting alone in the teachers’ lounge, eating her lunch sandwich and skimming through some newspapers left on the table when someone knocked on the door. She put the sandwich away cleaned her lips with a tissue, and went to open it.
“Hi, sorry I’m interrupting,” Brian said.
“It’s okay, what is it?” She asked and was hoping she wasn’t too visibly happy to see him.
“I wanted to apologize for the invitation. You haven’t accepted me, so I figured you were not really happy about me sending it in the first place. It was a dumb idea, sorry.”
“No, no, it’s not that! Come in,” she opened the door wider and invited him in. Brian walked inside, closed the door and followed Anna to her table.
“I’m having a lunch break now, would you like some tea or coffee?” She asked while walking to the social room.
“Coffee would be nice, actually,” Brian replied a bit surprised and sat by the table. Anna was waiting for the coffee machine to do its magic while wondering what in the world she was doing. The students weren’t usually allowed to walk into the lounge. Obviously a lot of them would come during breaks and ask the teachers to walk outside when they had something important to tell or to ask about, but it was a sort of an unofficial rule that the teachers’ room was a space reserved for the staff only. Anna knew she invited Brian in only because there was nobody else inside.
The coffee was made and Anna took the mugs with her. She sat next to Brian.
“Sugar or milk?”
“No, thanks, I drink black coffee,” he said and took his cup.
“Listen, Brian, about the invitation. I’m very flattered you have thought of me like that, but I have a rule not to befriend any of my students while they actually are my students. I mean, I do not mix my private and professional lives.”
“No, it’s okay, I understand. I only got a bit upset you did not answer, because I got worried you might have thought I was being intrusive, or, you know, felt offended.”
“No, not at all, don’t worry.”
“Okay.” Brian smiled, visibly relieved.
“I’m pretty sure I will accept your invitation in June,” Anna said and gave him a wink.
“I’ll be waiting then.”
“So, have you thought of a topic for the mid-term essay?”
“I’m still thinking, although yes, I do have an idea. At least I know which book I want to analyze.”
“Which one?”
Brian smiled and Anna once again caught herself looking into his eyes. She realized she enjoyed every minute of this conversation and that she was really glad he came to talk to her. It was the very first time she did not have to be too formal around him, it felt good.
“I won’t tell you now, I need to have it all well thought-through and planned.”
“All right, fair enough,” she replied.
They were drinking their coffees in silence for a while. Anna stopped caring if anyone came in, it wasn’t like she was doing anything inappropriate, and the no-students-in-the-teachers’-room rule seemed pretty dumb for her at that point.
“Can I be frank with you?” Brian asked and put his mug aside.
“Sure, what is it?”
“I just wanted to say that coming to your lectures by accident, was one of the best mistakes I’ve made,” Brian said seriously.
Anna had no idea what to think or say. Intuitively, she knew there was more to this statement than the fact that the Medal writers turned out to be interesting.
“I mean, I get to know so many things, read really great books I probably wouldn’t ever pick up in a bookstore or library otherwise,“ Brian continued a bit clumsily, visibly insecure by the lack of her reaction.
“I’m very glad you made that mistake. I mean, because - because I think you’re one of the best students in the group,” Anna said.
“Yeah?” He beamed. “That means a lot, thank you.”
“Yes, absolutely, you are. You work hard, you’re active, you listen and observe what’s happening, I can tell that coming to those lectures give you a lot of pleasure.”
At that point he looked at her in such way, that Anna felt her heart beating faster. What was going on? Were they both playing some kind of a game?
“It does. I really like it – the lectures,” he said warmly.
“Well, Brian, I’m so sorry, but my lunch break is ending and I still have a few things to do before my next class,” Anna said more softly than she planned; it sounded a bit apologetic, and she didn’t want that.
“Sure, no problem,” he was about to get up when Tom and Mark walked in, both pretty much surprised to see a student in the teachers’ room.
“Hi, Anna,” Mark said as they hadn’t seen each other yet today.
“Hi, Mark,” she replied and waved to him. “Okay, Brian, I’ll see you next week.”
“Of course. Bye,” Brian took his backpack from the floor. “Thanks for the coffee,” he said and left the room.
Tom immediately looked at the table and spotted two mugs.
“We’re offering students coffee, now?” He asked a bit maliciously.
“Only to the best ones,” Anna replied smiling.
Tom did not reply only looked at Anna. Mark went to the back of the room to his locker.
“What?” She asked after seeing his glare.
Tom walked closer to her and put his bag on the table.
“That’s disappointing. I thought you had some professional rules, Anna.”
She looked at him surprised. “That was… harsh.”
“You were flirting with him.”
“What? What the hell are you talking about?”
“I’ve seen it in your eyes. He’s a student, Anna, be careful there.”
IV
At the beginning of November, on Friday
, Anna came back home in the evening with a whole bag filled with students’ essays. She was about to spend the upcoming weekend reading them and, despite the fact she had to carefully analyze about sixty writings, she was looking forward to it; it was one of the aspects of her job she thoroughly enjoyed. As far as the Medal lectures were concerned, the students’ task was to analyze one work by one of the laureates. It was their choice who and which book they would pick up and Anna was very curious to see their ideas.
On Saturday morning, when it was heavily raining outside, she made herself a big cup of coffee, took the essays and sat on the sofa. She turned the music on, Thievery Corporation’s ambient cashmere sounds filled the room, and she started reading. Among the works there were ones devoted to John Updike’s Rabbit, Run, Ray Bradbury’s Dandelion Wine, Norman Mailer’s Armies of the Night. Many students focused on Stephen King’s novels, and there was one essay devoted to Oprah Winfrey.
While she was getting to know the students in the Medal lectures’ group, she had to admit that most of her ideas as to who they were going to write about were coming true. She was, however, waiting for Brian’s essay as she was unable to figure out his taste. It seemed he liked everything, so it was difficult for her to imagine what he would be writing about. Finally, she saw Brian’s name on the piece of paper. She took his essay out of the pile and froze.
“Teacher – student romance; breaking down the stereotype on the basis of Philip Roth’s The Dying Animal. Brian Grant.”
Oh my God.
Anna had no idea if she should even read it. It seemed obvious it wasn’t only an essay, it was a message, she was sure of it. Since the coffee in the teachers’ room, things between them had been consistently and visibly changing. Those were small things, hopefully invisible to anyone else, like taking a pile of books which she was carrying from the library from her, like discreetly looking and smiling at each other in the hall, exchanging some funny remarks while standing by the vending machines and figuring out what to buy. They were flirting, she knew it and she was allowing it to happen. At some point, she realized she was looking for him every time she walked into the Academy’s building. It felt good knowing he was around, however, she kept on convincing herself it was all innocent, that she was the firm guide of the line between professional and private life, that nothing inappropriate was happening. And now this essay, based on the story of a romance between a college teacher David Kepesh and his gorgeous student Consuela. Impudent? Inarguably.
Anna sighed and began reading Brian’s work. He started with the deep distain he felt toward Kepesh, the way he treated women as objects, as means needed to realize his own sexual needs at the expense of everyone and everything else. On the other hand, Brian stated that as much as he disagreed with Kepesh’s deeds and life philosophy, perhaps the sole idea of a teacher-student romance, in a situation that involves two adult people, both wanting the same, was not to be morally condemned.
The essay was full of quotes from the book, especially ones that put emphasis on Consuela’s appearance. It was clear for Anna that some of them were directly about her, especially the ones concerning Consuela’s way of dressing, her posture.
She put the paper away not sure if she wanted to read more. Brian was telling her he was fascinated by her, he was doing it through the essay, and as much as Anna felt flattered and happy about it, she couldn’t help but hear the voice inside her head telling her she was about to cross the line and that she wasn’t sure if it was worth it, if it was safe.
Brian was pushing her out of her comfort zone little by little, making her question her work ethics, making her wonder if it was possible for her to still call herself professional. Of course, he was right in his statement that, theoretically, they were both adults, but did it change much?
She picked up the essay again. It ended with a thesis that, clearly, the dying animal is not the old teacher, but the young woman affected by cancer, and Brian pointed out that, to him, the dying animal has yet another meaning – it’s the emotions, the fascination, and the sensuality between people that is prevented from happening, squashed by the fear of the society’s reaction.
Was that what he thought of her? That she was afraid of people’s opinion? That the fear of gossip and rumors was what was holding her back from him? Was that really it?
No. Not entirely, at least.
Anna read the essay and decided she needed to go for a walk. Any decision she was about to make would most probably affect her life one way or the other, she had to think about it. She liked Brian, he was fascinating. A young, handsome green-eyed – boy. He wasn’t older than twenty-two, twenty-three. She was almost thirty-two. How would that work out? She was his college teacher, he was her student. If they were to begin anything, they would have be very careful. What if anything became official and she would have students feeling as if they were treated worse than Brian? The number one accusation would be that Anna was no longer unbiased. What if the staff found out? Would they report her? And if so, to whom? Was there any regulation not allowing the Kepesh-Consuela situation at the Academy? She had to find out.
Anna came back home about two hours later, made herself some hot tea and turned the computer on. She logged on Facebook and, after about an hour of intense deliberation, she confirmed Brian’s invitation. Her heart was pounding and she kept on convincing herself she knew what she was doing.
She was wondering if Brian was online. Anna got up from the chair and started walking around the living room, quite nervously. She heard a jingle – Brian sent her a message. With her pulse still racing, Anna opened it. A smiley. That’s all there was. She took a deep breath and sent Brian a quote from The Dying Animal. “Like all enjoyable things, you see, it has unenjoyable parts to it.” He responded immediately. “What do you mean?” “I mean that I don’t think we know what we’re doing.” Brian was quiet for a few very long minutes. Anna even checked twice if her message was really sent. Finally he replied “I know what I’m doing. I know what I want. You.”
Oh Jesus…
Anna was sitting at the edge of the chair and wrote:
“Would you like to come over?” Anna put the cursor on the “send” button and hesitated. She took a deep breath and clicked on it.
A reply came almost immediately. “Just tell me where.”
Ms. Fielding, what are you doing? She heard a voice inside her head when she was giving Brian her address.
***
About an hour later, Anna heard an intercom’s buzzing. Well, it’s a bit too late to pretend I’m not home, she thought and pushed the button to open the door. A minute later she heard steps on the staircase and finally a doorbell rang. Anna took a deep breath and, feeling a bit shaky, she opened the door. Brian was there, holding a bunch of tulips for her. They smiled at each other and she let him inside.
“The flowers are really beautiful, thank you,” she said.
He did not reply, he only moved closer to her and kissed her passionately. Even though she was surprised at the beginning, she did not resist him and after a few seconds she put her arms around his neck and gave in.
Neither of them said anything, they just allowed the tension that had been growing between them for months to take over. Only minutes after Brian had arrived, they were both in Anna’s bedroom making love fervently as if they both couldn’t get enough of each other.
Once they were lying on the bed, resting, Anna looked at him and started laughing spontaneously. Brian smiled, not being sure how to react. She finally sat on the bed and looked at him.
“How old are you, Brian?”
“I’ll be twenty-two in January,” he replied.
“Oh my God.” Anna laughed again. She reached out to a drawer beside her bed and took out a package of cigarettes and a lighter.
“I need to smoke,” she said quietly, and put one into her mouth and lit it.
“I didn’t know you smoke,” Brian said and sat on the bed.
“Oh, you don’t know a lot of thin
gs,” she smiled and combed her hair with her fingers.
He reached out to her pointing at the package, “May I?”
Anna looked at him surprised and amused, “Sure,” she passed it to him.
For a few minutes they just sat on the bed, smoking. Neither of them said anything. It was so quiet, they could hear a clock ticking in the living room.
“So, now what?” Anna finally asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what are we going to do now?”
“Be together,” Brian replied a bit surprised by her question.
Anna snorted and shook her head with disbelief. “You know I am over ten years older than you, right?”
“Yes.”
“Good, ‘cause I was worrying you think I’m Kepesh’s age.”
Brian burst out laughing.
“And you do remember I am your teacher and will be one until May?” she continued.
“Yes,” he replied amused. His eyes were laughing and Anna, who was trying to be serious, couldn’t help but smile when she saw that.
“I’m not kidding, Brian. It’s complicated this, this thing that we’re doing,” she said pointing at them.
“I don’t see it like that.”
