“They were proud of you.”
“Once they got used to the idea, yes.”
“I was proud of you.”
“I know.”
“I would have been just as proud if you’d made a living as a garbo.”
His eyes warmed. “I know.”
“So what happened?”
There was no hesitation. “Going into the Commandos was a dream come true. I had it all - you, my career, a home we were saving for. A family we planned. It was all so perfect. I had no idea that my being military could possibly bring such disaster on my family. My parents killed by a terrorist because of me being in the military. I almost fell to pieces, Ella.” He stated it plainly as though he was used to pushing the pain way down deep. “There I am in a hellhole in a middle eastern country fighting for our freedom, and I get the news my parents were murdered by the same type of people I’m fighting. I couldn’t get home fast enough, knew you were alone except for some friends and your grandmother, and I was so bloody scared, Ella. So scared that I wasn’t there to protect you. Before I even got home that murdering bastard’s brother had targeted you. If not for the guard put on you, he’d have taken you from me as well.” That hint of cruelty etched into the corner of his mouth. “If he had lived, if he hadn’t died at the hand of your guard, I’d have killed him myself.” Ryan’s eyes focussed intently on her face. “Make no mistake, Ella mine, there would have been no place in the world they could have put him and kept him safe from me. I’d have found him.” The dangerous edge curled around him, the dimness of the fern-covered walls behind him seeming to shadow beneath a darkness.
Unafraid, Ella studied him. No matter what happened, she would never be afraid of him. Once the harsh reality of the man he’d become would have alarmed her, but now? No.
“But he was killed even as he took aim at you, the guard spotted him and ended it. I’ll always be eternally grateful to him.” Ryan didn’t move an inch, so still, so absorbed in her and the memories. “I thought losing my parents shattered me but when we stood at their graveside, stood there in that pouring rain and you held that umbrella to try and shelter me more, when I looked down at you standing by my side yet again, so staunchly supportive even when, however unwittingly, I almost caused your death, I knew there was one thing worse - losing you. If you’d been killed, if the guard had been mere seconds too late, I’d have lost you. Just that thought, Ella, the knowledge that it could have happened, I knew it would literally tear my heart out.”
She remembered. Remembered the way he’d looked down at her, the sadness in his eyes, the stunned horror that still gripped him. The slow darkening that she’d sensed creeping over his soul. She just hadn’t realised how dark or what it would mean for them. For her. “I felt you draw away. You never moved a step, you didn’t let my hand go, but I felt you move away.”
He didn’t try to make excuses, just nodded.
“It bloody hurt then, Ryan.” Her jaw clenched, she forced it to relax. “And it still bloody hurts now.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Ella.” He didn’t move, didn’t try to reach out and take her hand, just kept her the sole focus of his attention.
“Why? Why did you just walk away like that?”
“Because I thought the best way to deal with it, to keep you safe from further attempts on your life, was to leave you. I believed I was doing the right thing, the noble thing. I blamed myself.”
“I told you.” Her heart ached as she held back the tears. “I told you that you were not to blame, that people die every day for their beliefs, kill for their beliefs, for reasons we can’t even fathom.”
“You did.”
“I never asked you to leave the Army, I would never have asked you.”
“I know.”
“I believed in you. I believed in what you fought for. I still do, that has never changed.”
“I know.”
Unable to say anything else past the damned stupid lump in her throat, Ella waited.
Quietly, Ryan resumed talking. “Right then revenge was what drove me. No way could I just come home to a normal job. I fought for my country, I fought for my people, and I felt like I’d let down the ones who meant the most to me. By leaving you, I made you safe. You could find someone else, have that family. I saw a psych, debriefed, I know my parents deaths and your near miss weren’t my fault but right then, at that time, I couldn’t accept it. I was good at telling the psych what he wanted to hear. I was also good at killing. A sniper in the Commandos, I’ve killed. I won’t sugar-coat it.”
“You don’t have to. I know what you did.” The lump in her throat receded. “I never judged you for it.”
“No, Ella mine,” he said softly, “you always accepted me just the way I was.”
For several seconds the silence stretched but when she didn’t comment, Ryan picked up where he’d left off. “Guilt ate at me and I made the wrong decision. Back then I believed it was the right decision, but now I know it was wrong, the worst mistake of my life. In my grief, which I didn’t allow you to share, I walled myself up and left you. I made sure you were watched until I was certain you were safe before I finally stopped the monitoring company and closed you out of my life for good.”
God, that hurt. “And did you, Ryan? Did you succeed?”
“Mostly,” he replied honestly.
Okay, that didn’t just hurt, it bit down savagely.
“But deep down. Here.” He placed a hand over his heart. “You were always with me.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
“You asked, I answered.”
“You never came home.”
“I buried myself in the job. I went on the most dangerous missions, moved up the ranks. I don’t know how many men I killed to save hundreds - thousands - of lives. I did the jobs no one else wanted and I was good at it. Excelled.” He wasn’t boasting, just stating facts. “Am I proud of it? No. Do I regret it? No. Because I knew for every terrorist I killed, that was one less to hurt you. To hurt the only person in the world I loved. I freely claim those kills. I was the best at what I did.” Taking a drink of Coke, he regarded her.
Ella didn’t look away. She’d known he was a sniper, knew that he’d been on dangerous missions while they’d still been together. She wasn’t surprised by his words. But now she knew where the cruelty that tinged his hard, handsome features came from, the quiet, deadly edge that was now so much a part of him. “You left the Army.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“It wasn’t enough. After awhile I became unsettled, wanted more, wanted to do things that weren’t tied up in…” He hesitated, searching for the word before finally saying, “It just wasn’t enough. I preferred undercover work, going to other places. It wasn’t hard for someone like me to find my niche. I left the Army, was hired by enforcement agencies, security agencies, agencies that worked in grey zones, depending on the job offered. I went into grey areas - legal but not sanctioned by those above board, places where if we were caught we just didn’t actually exist. The grey areas were places I excelled at, slipping in with other agents or alone, doing what needed to be done, doing what had to be done for the greater good, getting out. I slid in and out of that world. Then one day I came face-to-face with my growing killer instincts. That day it hit me how close I was coming to crossing a line, and I left. I walked away after that mission. I’d met Aaron on some jobs, worked a bit with him from time to time, and I knew he’d started a security company. I met up with him, was hired, and I’ve worked with him ever since. So here I am.”
The condensation on the glass was coldly wet against her fingertips. “You never once thought about finding me.”
“No. I thought you’d have gotten married, had a family. I didn’t want to destroy your life by walking back into it.”
Sitting across from man waiting quietly for her reaction, Ella pointed out, “Yet here you are.”
“Because you walked back into my life.”<
br />
“I walked into Aaron’s office.”
“And I was there,” Ryan said softly.
Thinking about his explanation, his feelings, his reactions, she could understand to a certain extent. But still… “It was my decision to make, Ryan. My choice to take the risk, to be your fiancée, your wife. To be your partner no matter what danger faced me, faced you. But you took that choice away from me. You didn’t talk to me, you shut yourself off. You ripped my heart right out of my chest the moment you told me you were leaving, no explanation, no talking about it. The moment you walked out… When you walked out…” She forced back the sting of tears. “You took a piece of me with you. No. No, you took everything.”
“Oh God, Ella mine. I’m so, so sorry.” Leaning forward, he started reaching for her hand.
“Don’t.”
Instantly he stilled, gaze searching.
Taking a deep breath, she pulled her hands off the table onto her lap. “Just wait a minute.”
Easing back into the chair he waited, but she felt him his regard, his concern. If she allowed it he’d be at her feet within seconds.
She wasn’t ready for that. Not yet. Not when… “There was no other man. I dated a few but nothing filled that gap you left in my heart, my life. Friends meant well, tried matchmaking, but gradually I drifted away from them. Most of our friends were married or couples, I never wanted to be the third wheel, the one invited to gatherings only to find yet another single bloke picked to be with me. I withdrew into my own little world. I functioned, I moved on. I worked, I nursed Gran when her heart started to fail. She wanted to die at home. Palliative Care came and helped. Nights were long, though, the hardest for her, and I sat with her night after night until one night I listened to her tortured breaths growing fainter until finally they stopped. I sat with her for an hour before I finally called the nurse.”
“She was a good woman.”
“The best,” Ella agreed. “She was always your champion, you know, always said you’d come back for me. You didn’t.”
“No.” There was heaviness in his tone, so much regret.
“After she died I stayed in the house. She willed it to me. I still have it, you know. I rent it out.”
He nodded.
“But no, no man, Ryan. No kids. No white picket fence. In fact, I can’t have kids. The attack was so bad I had to have a hysterectomy.” Ella looked him right in the eye. “No family, Ryan. No kids. That family we planned? That you’re still young enough to have? I can’t have it with you.”
“I want you, Ella, with or without kids. There are no conditions. You’re all I want, all I need.” His jaw firmed. “The first I knew of the attack was recently in Aaron’s office when Edward brought your file. I read the report. I saw the photos.” There was a cold glint in his eyes, a harsh twist to his lips. “Don’t doubt it, Ella, I would have organised for those two bastards to be shanked in gaol. It was my first intention as soon as I knew. But I would never hurt you. I knew that if those bastards had been shanked the story would have risen once more, journalists would have hounded you for a story. One of the TV stations would probably decide to do re-enactments, badger you for an interview, even film you from a distance and told everyone where you were and what you did now. I know, I’ve seen it happen with clients to whom I’ve served as security. Not for anything would I have you relive that again, not even for my own satisfaction. If that makes me weak in your eyes, I’ll live with it. I will never see you hurt again in any way.”
The man knew how to touch her heart. “It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you strong. It makes me feel…” She hesitated.
Ryan waited, so still, his forearms now on the table where he’d rested them when she’d withdrawn her hands from his earlier reach.
“That you know me,” she finished.
“I do know you, Ella mine.”
“I’m not the same woman, Ryan.”
“I’m not the same man.”
“Yet here we are.”
“Here we are.”
The tinkling of the fountain was soothing in the late night air. The soft glow of the lamp on the wall, the brighter one of the lounge room that spilled through the wide, open glass doors into the courtyard.
It was romantic.
It made her ache for what they’d lost.
For the first time she glanced away from him to look down at her hands. Uncertainty chased through her, fear. Need. Wanting. A yearning that shook her as deeply as her fears worried her.
“Ella.” His voice was so deep, so soft.
Her vision blurred.
“Ella mine.” This time there was an edge to his tone, a gentle command that was as definite as it was careful.
Letting out a shaky breath, she looked at him through her tears.
“Ah, Ella mine.” Ryan stood, came to her, knelt down before her to gather her hands in his. “What we had was beautiful. I’d have that again. What we were, what we went through, are we now going to let it stop us being together? What we are now, what we know, we have a second chance. Please, don’t throw it away like I did. Give me another chance. I swear to God, Ella mine, I will never leave you again. Ever.”
Overwhelmed, trying to maintain her composure, she shook her head. “I need a minute. Please.” She dropped her head again, unable to bare the yearning in his eyes, needing to think, sort through her emotional turmoil.
Lifting her hands, he pressed a kiss to her knuckles before releasing her and pushing upward with a powerful surge of his thigh muscles, an easy move that was as elegant as it was controlled. Dimly she became aware of him moving to stand in the glass doorway, his back to her to give her a semblance of privacy without moving too far away.
How often? How often had she dreamed of this, of them being back together? Almost every minute when he’d first left her. Then every hour. Slowly it became every day, and as time passed, as the only correspondence came through a lawyer, as her letters were returned unopened, she stopped hoping, stopped dreaming.
But she never forgot him.
Now her once-dreams were true. They’d both changed as he’d rightly pointed out. They’d both gone through their own private hell and come out the other side. They’d both let revenge rule them in different ways. Now they stood in the same city, the same house, the same room on the same night, and an opportunity was right in her grasp.
Did she take it? Did she risk it? Could she truly believe he meant every word? Yes, he loved her still that she knew with certainty, but…
She sensed a change in the air, an awareness, something tickling her senses making her glance across at Ryan. His back was still to her, his shoulder against the doorframe, arms folded across his chest. Those broad shoulders, the muscles clearly defined as he shifted slightly, the strong play beneath the tanned skin. To anyone else he would appear immovable, a force to be reckoned with, but there was something…
Getting up from the table, she approached him silently, coming to a stop just behind him. Lifting one hand, she started to reach out to touch him, hesitated a fraction above his skin, bit her lip.
Didn’t matter, he knew she was there just as he’d always known when she simply walked into the room.
“I took your photos from the frames, put them into an album because no matter what I told myself, I couldn’t put you from my life completely,” he said hoarsely. “The first thing I always packed, the first thing I always unpacked, were the albums holding your photos. You were out of sight, but Ella mine,” he turned to look down at her, the glitter of tears in his eyes showcasing his pain and yearning, the soul-destroying loss he’d felt, still felt, “the echo of you was always in my heart, my life, no matter where I was, what I did. You were like a ghost of my past, a ghost that stayed here.” Again he touched his chest right above his heart. “Now you’re here, my reality and not an echo, I can’t let you go again. Please, Ella mine, don’t leave me. Please.”
Oh Jesus, it broke her. The raw agony in his eyes, the open love, it just
stripped away her fears and doubts.
“You really mean it.” Reaching up, she laid a hand on his cheek, felt him lean into her palm. “You really love me that much still.”
“Oh, Ella mine, I never stopped.” He closed his eyes, a tear slipping down his cheek.
So much vulnerability on such a strong face. Not afraid to show her his emotions. Sharing with her.
It was all she needed.
Coming up on tiptoe, she whispered, “I love you, Ryan. This is our second chance. This time we have to do it right.”
In answer he wrapped his arms around her, pulled her in against him, bent down to lay his cheek against hers. “There is no ‘have to’,” he whispered. “We will.”
She hugged him almost fiercely, pressing as close as she could, felt him do the same as they just held on to each other, the late night sky sparkling with distant stars, the fountain tinkling softly, the light surrounding them - bright from the lounge, soft from the courtyard.
The flame of hope was relit.
~*~
Entering the house, Ella found a very disgruntled Boof sitting in the doorway of the kitchen.
“I know,” she said. “It’s morning. You should have been fed an hour ago. What can I do to make it up to you?”
His one tatty ear went back.
“Salmon? Tuna? Sardines? Prawns in jelly?”
Boof looked away, his little chin up. Obviously he wasn’t going to be appeased with such paltry offerings.
“Rump steak, Your Majesty?”
His whiskers twitched.
“Okay, I lied.” Kneeling down, she rubbed his ear. “I only have tin food. But if you forgive me, I’ll buy you some steak as soon as I’ve showered and changed.” His one eye cut to her. “I did the walk of shame this morning, Boof.” Ella grimaced. “And I know someone from Wells Security watched me the whole time.”
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