A wooden marker with my grandmother’s name, “Mildred
B. Raines,” identified the grave. The headstone hadn’t been installed yet. I stood on the sod and then leaped off. I had been standing right on her. I was petrified. I didn’t know the right protocol. People in the movies always stood on the grass right in front of the headstone. How could they? I wasn’t sure what to do, so I stood off to the side and looked at the wooden marker. I tried to come up with some kind of prayer, but I couldn’t remember any from the couple of times Mom and Dad tried to take me and Missy to the Presbyterian Church on the corner. I don’t know why we quit going, but I could have used some good lines. I rolled my eyes. The journalist was out of words.
I decided to speak to my grandparents as if they were standing right in front of me.
“Hi, you guys,” I said in a shaky voice. “I’m sorry you had to die. Dad said everyone has their time, but I wish it wasn’t your time yet, either of you.”
Tears welled up in my eyes, and I felt a little self-conscious, so I snuck a peek at Rebecca. She was looking the other way. She stayed in the hearse, probably to give me some space or something.
“So, anyway, Missy let me have that New York City snow globe that she got you, Grandma. I hope that was okay. I promise to take good care of it.” I shuffled my feet on the grass, not sure what to say next. I blurted, “Grandma, I’m sorry you had to leave so soon. Are you with Grandpa? Are you happy? Is there a heaven, Grandma? Do you guys see me?”
If they were looking down at me from heaven, I’m sure they were shaking their heads thinking that I was full of too many questions. I took a deep breath. “I hope you’re okay with Missy taking back her room. I kind of need my own space these days. See that girl in the hearse? Oh, yeah, sorry about coming here in a hearse again, but Rebecca offered, and, well, here I am. Anyway, that’s Rebecca. And…” I wasn’t sure how to come out to my grandparents. I decided to go for it because, well, they wouldn’t be able to answer me, anyway. I sighed. “I like her. I mean, really like her. You know about me now, right? Now that you’re, uh, over there? She’s so pretty, isn’t she?”
I turned to sneak another peek at the hearse, but I still couldn’t see her face. I looked back at the grave markers and touched Grandpa’s headstone. “Hey, Grandpa, Rebecca likes fishing. Uses worms and all.” I nodded my head as if he could see me. “There’s one thing I don’t know how to do, though. I don’t know how to tell her that I like her. If you have any ideas, any ideas at all, let me know. Okay?”
I wasn’t sure what to say next, so I told them I hoped they were having a good time in heaven, but not to expect me up there any time soon. I wiped at the few remaining tears in my eyes, glad I could present a relatively tear-free face to Rebecca.
I opened the door to the hearse and was shocked to see Rebecca crying in the driver’s seat.
“What’s wrong?” I quietly slid into the passenger seat.
She didn’t answer me. She just shook her head and stared out the windshield. She reached into her coat pocket and pulled out a bundle of tissues. Her voice was heavy when she said, “These were for you, but looks like I need them.” She dabbed at her nose and then looked out the window again.
“Are you okay? Did I do something?”
“No, Devon, you didn’t do anything.” She sighed and looked back at me with the saddest eyes I’d ever seen. It was a sadness I couldn’t quite describe. I wished I still had the panda bear. That would have made her smile.
“Okay.” I wasn’t sure what to do or what to say. Part of me still wondered if I’d done something to make her cry, while another part tried to wrap itself around the fact that she had brought tissues for me. She had been thinking about me.
We sat quietly in the hearse for a while until she finally broke the silence. “I’m just…Oh, I don’t know. I’m just not happy with certain friends of mine. That’s all.”
I knew instantly. “Jessie?”
She looked at me as if amazed that I figured out who she was talking about so quickly. “How’d you know?”
“I don’t know anything, really. You seemed annoyed with her the other day.”
“You noticed that?”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.” Rebecca flicked her hand as if knocking away something offensive. “I’m so done with her.”
Done with her? My heart lifted and sang a happy tune, but I squelched my inner rejoicing. “What happened?”
She looked out the window again as if debating whether or not to tell me.
I said, “Look, you don’t have to tell me. I’m just a nosy journalist.”
“No, you’re okay. It’s not you.” She took a deep breath and exhaled like she had taught me. “I think you know that Jessie and I were, uh, close.”
“I guess.”
“I think you know just how close.”
Here it was. Rebecca was coming out to me. I used Missy’s line. “I wasn’t sure.” I kept quiet hoping she’d elaborate.
She searched my face probably trying to gauge how much information to give me, how much she could trust me.
“Off the record,” I said with a smile.
She laughed and, as usual, that made me smile even more.
“Okay, deal. Jessie and I have been going out for over a year. Last year, September.”
“Oh,” was all I could say. I had finally met another person like me, and I was spellbound. Who else was like us? “Is Natalie...you know?”
“No, she’s not. She’s in love with Jessie’s younger brother. That’s why she hangs around Jessie so much.”
“Does she know about you guys?”
“I think so, but it didn’t seem to bother her.”
I decided to reciprocate. “Um, did you know that I was, too?”
She smiled at me, and I was glad she had stopped crying. “Yeah, Devon, I thought maybe you were. You sort of told me on the power dam field trip when we talked about being different.” She made air quotes when she said the word different.
“I remember. Does Jessie know about me?”
Rebecca nodded. “Yeah, she had you pegged before I did.”
“Oh, God,” I said under my breath. On one hand, I was mortified that Jessie knew, but on the other hand Rebecca and I had just come out to each other. Oh, the happy dance I wanted to do, but at the cemetery in a hearse didn’t seem like the right place to do it. I couldn’t help smiling.
“What are you smiling about? Are you happy that Jessie knows?”
“No, no, no.” I laughed. “I’m just glad that I found some of my own people.”
This time Rebecca smiled. “Your people?”
“Yeah, I thought I’d be alone for the rest of my life.”
“I don’t believe that for a second.” She looked at me shyly. “You’re very attractive, Devon, and I don’t think you know it.”
I felt my cheeks flush even more. I looked down at my hands. I’d never thought of myself as attractive.
She put her hand on my coat sleeve.
I gulped. I couldn’t exactly feel her touch on my winter coat, but I started shaking inside. To be alone with Rebecca, to hear her tell me that she was gay and to hear that things were rocky with Jessie—these were the things I had wished for. Now that all of these things had come true, I was scared to death.
She slid her hand down my jacket sleeve and linked my pinky with hers. “You had a lot of nerve doing this on the bus.”
I gulped again. I had trouble swallowing around the lump in my throat. I couldn’t say anything. My heart was beating so fast I thought it might leap out of my chest. This was what I wanted, but I couldn’t move. Where were my set of brass ones when I needed them?
“Rebecca?”
“Yeah?”
“Jessie’s going to kill me if she finds out you’re holding my hand.”
“Pfft. No, she’s not. First of all, I’m not holding your hand. I’m holding your pinky. And second of all, Jessie and I broke up after school toda
y.” She let go of my pinky and started the engine to the hearse. “C’mon, we’d better go. They’re going to lock the gates.”
Chapter Eleven
Flack
THE NOVEMBER/DECEMBER issue of the Gazette had officially been put to bed and even though we pleaded to have a free day, Mrs. Gibson cracked the whip, and we got started on the January/February issue. I decided to feature the girls’ indoor track team for that issue and had a self-imposed deadline of Friday to get the outline done. That gave me two class periods. The deadline should have been an easy one to make, but at the moment, I had so many distractions running through my brain that I couldn’t remember the track coach’s name. How was I supposed to concentrate when Rebecca and I had held pinkies again? Okay, it was only for a few minutes, but it had to mean something. “Didn’t it?” I muttered out loud.
“Didn’t what?” I jumped when I realized that Mike was right behind me.
“You scared the crap out of me.”
“I called your name three times, but you were in space, so I got my passport and traveled out to Devonland.”
I rolled my eyes. “Sorry. I’m a little preoccupied.”
“Understatement.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve just got some things on my mind.”
“Me, too. That’s why I came over here. How’d your first issue go? You didn’t ask me as many questions as I thought you would.”
“I got the hang of things pretty fast. With your help and Missy’s, I was fine.”
“I forgot you could call on your sister. She’s still Mrs. Gibson’s favorite, you know. She talks about her all the time.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m trying to stay out of her shadow.”
“Good luck with that.” Mike smiled. “The paper comes out on Monday. Excited?”
“Terrified.”
“I was the same way when the first issue came out in October. I was scared stiff.”
“You? I find that hard to believe.”
Mike ran a hand through his blonde crew cut. “Oh, yeah. I bet if you ask Missy, she’d tell you she was scared when her first issue came out.”
“I hope I survive Monday.”
“Hey, listen.” He ran a hand through his hair again. “I wanted to know if…if it’d be okay if I ate lunch with you guys. With you and Travis and Gail.”
His question came straight from outer space. I wasn’t sure what to say, but eating lunch with Mike didn’t seem like a bad thing. “Yeah, sure. We sit in the corner by the outside doors.”
“I know,” he said with a twinkle in his eye. “I’ll see you at lunch today, okay?”
“Okay.” I watched his retreating back and wondered what had brought that on. Gail. It had to be. She was the one who wanted me to ask him out a couple of weeks ago. I guess when I didn’t act on her command she took things into her own hands. Too bad she had no clue that I was of the gay persuasion. I looked back at my computer screen and decided that even though it might not go well with me being a lezzie and all, I had to tell Gail sooner rather than later, so she wouldn’t try to fix me up any more.
I wasn’t sure what was going to be hardest—getting Mike to back off, coming out to Gail, or asking Rebecca to go out with me. I wasn’t sure what was going on with Rebecca, though, because she hadn’t returned any of my texts. Somehow, I had to find the nerve to ask her out. I had to try, or I’d never know. Maybe I’d ask her to go to the Grasse River Christmas tree lighting ceremony with me. No pressure, just hot chocolate and Christmas carols.
Asking Rebecca out, I decided, was definitely going to be the hardest of the three.
I USUALLY GOT to the cafeteria before Gail and Travis because I came from English right down the hall, but Mr. Hurley, my English teacher, kept us after the bell, so I was later than usual. It would be the first time I’d see Rebecca since we held pinkies in the hearse.
I almost dropped my backpack when I saw Mike sitting at our usual table with Gail and Travis. I had forgotten about him.
When Gail saw me, she stood up and waved frantically. If I’d had any doubts about her trying to fix me up with Mike, they were gone now. I waved back and weaved my way through the quickly filling cafeteria.
I plopped my backpack on the table at my usual seat. “Hey, guys. Hey, Mike.”
“Hey, Devon.” Mike half stood up as I sat down across the table from him.
Oh, God. Mike was trying way too hard. How in the world was I going to tell him that I wasn’t interested, and it wasn’t because of him? How could I let him know that I wasn’t into guys?
I unzipped my backpack and pulled out the turkey wrap with sprouts I had made at home that morning. I decided to start bringing my lunch to school, so I could save up my allowance money for Christmas presents. I wasn’t sure what I was going to get for Rebecca, but I wanted it to be expensive.
Gail pulled her sandwich out from her bag.
“Wow,” I said impressed. “Roast beef?”
“Yeah, Mom went shopping.” She took a big bite. “It’s good,” she said with her mouth full.
Travis and I laughed, and when we laughed, Mike did, too.
Travis said, “Very attractive, honey, very attractive.”
Gail swallowed. “I know. Classy, ain’t I?” She made a face at me and then held my gaze a little longer than usual. I knew what she was trying to say. I let my eyes grow wide, so she would know that I understood why Mike was sitting at our table. Best friends have a way of being psychic with each other. Too bad her psychic abilities stopped just short of knowing I was gay.
Gail smiled back and turned to Mike. “So what are your hobbies?”
What are your hobbies? Oh, c’mon, Gail. I couldn’t believe how much she pushed sometimes.
Mike said, “Oh, well, I run cross-country and—”
“No kidding,” Gail butted in. “Devon runs all the time.”
He turned to me wide-eyed. “You do? I didn’t know that. You’re not on cross-country or track are you?”
“No, no. I just run for health, I guess. Running clears your head, you know?” His blonde crew cut and blue eyes made him look cute.
He smiled in such a way that made me cringe. He thought we were connecting. I had to stop this whole thing before it got too far along. I didn’t want to get stuck in an already awkward situation.
Travis picked up the thread of the conversation and talked about how he got in the zone when he worked out in the weight room. While Travis and Mike talked, I took the opportunity to look down four tables and see if I could catch a glimpse of Rebecca. I saw her usual set of friends, including the guys at the basketball game, but she wasn’t at the table. Unfortunately, Jessie scowled at me as if she’d been waiting for me to look her way. I quickly refocused my attention at my own table.
It made perfect sense, I realized, that she wouldn’t be sitting with Jessie. They had broken up, after all, so Rebecca probably sat somewhere else. I nodded a couple of times during the conversation, but I wasn’t really paying attention. I was searching the cafeteria for Rebecca, table by table by table. I couldn’t remember another group of black kids in the cafeteria, and then I felt bad for my assumption that Rebecca would only sit with black kids. I almost groaned in frustration when I couldn’t find her anywhere.
The conversation at my table turned to college and who our guidance counselors would be when we were seniors. I continued my covert search for Rebecca by searching the tables again, but when she didn’t turn up, I tried to find her with telepathy. That didn’t work, either, and my inattentiveness earned me a kick from Gail under the table.
“What?” I said.
“I said we’re going to the tree lighting tomorrow night. Do you want to go?”
“Yeah,” I said too quickly. I realized too late that Gail wanted me to go with them and them included Mike. My plan to ask Rebecca to go with me to the tree lighting had just gone up in smoke.
“Excellent,” Gail said. “Travis and I will pick you guys up.”
Maybe I coul
d ask Rebecca to go with us since we were kind of going in a group. It was a bad idea, I knew, but I was desperate.
REBEECA SAT STONILY next to me in French. We were supposed to be working on a worksheet, but I needed to talk.
“Rebecca?” I whispered. She looked up at me. “Are you okay?”
She simply nodded, and went right back to her worksheet.
I tried again. “Thanks for driving me to Greystone.”
She looked back at me and smiled politely. “No problem.”
“I’m sorry about your, you know, with Jessie. That can’t be fun.” I didn’t want to say, “break up” in case somebody overheard me.
“Oh, well, you know how it is,” she said coldly and didn’t look at me.
“Actually, I don’t,” I admitted.
She turned her head slightly. “You’ve never broken up with anyone?”
“I’ve never gone out with anyone.” Why the heck did I just admit that? I cringed.
“Devon, I find that hard to believe.”
So, go out with me and change that. I felt my cheeks get hot, but I ignored my embarrassment and boldly asked, “Were you the one who broke up with…you know?” I had been about to say “her,” but caught myself in time.
“Yeah, I did, and it was long overdue.”
“I’m sorry things didn’t work out.” I tried to keep the glee out of my voice, but I’m pretty sure she heard.
Rebecca had been attempting to do her worksheet while we talked, but she put her pen down and finally turned toward me. She looked at me for the longest time as if wondering whether or not she could trust me. Finally, she leaned in closer and whispered, “I got tired of everything being all about her. I couldn’t have any other friends. I couldn’t walk to my own locker by myself at the end of the day. I got tired of doing everything she wanted to do. I never got to see the movies I wanted to see. We always went to some kind of shoot-em-up movie, never a chick flick like I wanted. We always talked about her basketball games, but she never asked me how my dance routines were coming or anything like that. I doubt she even knows the dates of my dance concert.”
Quite an Undertaking: Devon's Story Page 12
