“Chris?” I demand. “What does Chris have to do with anything?”
Cat cocks her head to one side. “Vanessa, Chris is my husband. Didn’t he tell you?”
My breathing picks up as my skin prickles. Another lie. Another manipulation. I’m on the verge of storming out of here, leaving behind help I desperately need. A hand on my shoulder stops me. I almost throw it off, but Cat’s soothing voice roots me to the floor.
“Van, I know you’re angry with him, and I really do understand why. You have every right to feel betrayed. He knew you’d eventually find out about David’s business and his involvement, but he was afraid of what it would do to you to find out so early in your training.”
Now I do push her off. “And he thought lying about it and pretending to be my friend was going to work out any better?” Tears burn the backs of my eyes as I glare at her. “I trusted him. Do you have any idea how hard that is for me? Can you even understand what it did to me to realize the one Godling I had faith in was leading me down the exact path I was so desperately trying to avoid?”
“He was and is your friend, Vanessa,” Cat says quietly. “He risked a lot to stay and train you, not because he wanted David to have another assassin, but because he had faith in you, too.”
“What did he risk?” I shout. “I was the one who nearly broke. I was the one who had to kill those men in order to protect my family and friends. I was the one who had to face the emptiness and embrace it so I could survive. I was the one who risked everything!”
Tears sparkle in Cat’s eyes, yet I get the strangest impression that they’re for me, and not her. Smiling gently, Cat holds my gaze. “He risked us,” she says. “Our lives. Mine and our children’s.”
I’m so startled by her reply, it takes me a moment to answer. “What? Why? Why would training me risk your lives? That was his job, to train David’s assassins.”
“No,” Cat says. “When Chris was pulled from the field, something he purposely orchestrated…”
“Purposely?”
Nodding, Cat doesn’t hesitate to answer my question. “He was so tired of killing for David. Yes, he thinks the Eroi need to be stopped, but they weren’t the only people he was sent after. It nearly broke him, so he did the only thing he could that would get him out of the field. He exposed himself. They could have executed him for it, but he was too valuable to the council. He agreed to make him into a trainer, but Chris refused to work with David’s recruits. David was furious, but because of Chris’s ability to sense other’s gifts, and they thought he could find the Gift before David, they agreed to his terms.”
“Why?” I ask slowly, “did he agree to train me then? He knew what David was turning me into, and that I’d be the best on his crew.”
A hint of pride shines in Cat’s eyes, though I’m not sure who it’s directed at. “Yes, Chris knew you’d be the best, and that scared him, but it gave him hope, too. He wanted David brought down, but he had control of all the strongest Godlings. They all had powerful hunger, but mindless devotion. Chris knew you had hunger to match the others, but more importantly, he saw your inner strength, your devotion to your family and friends, and your desire to rise above what Godlings think they are meant to be. He agreed to train you because he thought you would be strong enough to bring David down.”
Shaking my head, I can’t mesh her explanation with my own experience. “But, I didn’t even meet him until I went to the compound. He can’t have decided all that in the few minutes we spoke in the compound courtyard before our first session.”
“No,” Cat says, “but that wasn’t the first time he’d seen you. He knew that if he agreed to train you and failed, David would come after us, so he had to be sure of his choice. The months you spent with David at your house, David was trying to convince Chris to train you. Chris had heard about your family, how different you three are, but he wanted to see for himself.”
“So he spied on me?” I ask, disgust tainting my words.
Shaking her head slowly, Cat smiled. “No, Vanessa, but he did come to see you dance.”
“When?” I ask, my breath catching.
“Your winter recital a few weeks before going to the compound.”
“My dancing,” I ask, “what did that prove?”
“Prove?” Cat asks. “I don’t know that it proved anything, but as Chris put it, it let him see your heart.”
Feeling bare and exposed, I curl my arms around my body. “I don’t know what that means.”
“It only means that when you dance, everything else falls away and those who watch you see who you truly are.” Cat reaches out and touches my shoulder. “Godlings try to force you into a role that fits their ideals. Your parents and grandmother tried to do the same, though, with different intentions. Being Godling is part of you, but it doesn’t define you. Think about the times you let yourself be truly honest with others. Is it when you fight or when you dance? Do you want to create pain, or uplift people from their troubles?”
My shoulders drop under the slight pressure of her hand. “I don’t think I can have just one or the other.”
“Probably not,” Cat admits. “Not as things are now. Facing what you’ve been through, and will continue to go through, won’t be easy. Knowing who you are at your deepest level and letting that guide you will get you through what’s coming. It will give you the strength you need to face your past and future without letting it break you.”
I don’t say anything in response to that. It’s too difficult, too big. Somewhere deeper than where I store all the unpleasant things, a voice whispers that she’s right. Doubt and fear don’t disagree, but they say it will be too hard, that I might not find what I’m looking for. Maybe I’ll face my true self and realize David’s teachings are what I cling to, that only when I use what he taught me am I being honest with myself. So much of his training resonated with me, excited me. What if Chris is wrong?
I barely hear the squeak of the door opening. My body doesn’t respond to the noise, or Cat’s hand falling from my shoulder. It does, however, freeze at the sound of Chris’s voice.
“How did it go?”
I don’t know if he’s talking to me or his wife, but I stand stock still, not turning to face him but listening for a response.
“It will take time,” Cat says from behind me, now, “but I’d like to continue training her if she’ll let me.” There’s a pause in their conversation, then whispers I can’t quite hear. The children aren’t running around playing anymore, seeming to sense the tension and gravity. They abandon their games and cross the room to where their parents must be standing. Verity offers up a smile as she passes, but I can’t quite return it. I just want Chris to leave, to let me slip away without having to speak to him again today. I don’t doubt what Cat told me, but the hurt he caused hasn’t vanished.
Yet, when I feel his hand slip onto my shoulder, I spin into his embrace and bury my head against his chest. His arms wrap around me, and I find myself missing my dad so much I can barely hold back tears. For months, Chris was my safe place amidst the Godlings, my friend, someone I could rely on to keep me from falling over the edge into David’s madness. He took care of me after my hunger erupted and became something of a surrogate father when I desperately needed someone to help and guide me, and I hate him for taking that from me even more than for holding back the truth.
Admitting that finally breaks me and cry in his arms. Chris tightens his grip, keeping me safe as my hurt spills out. “I’m so sorry, Van,” he whispers. “So sorry I couldn’t protect you like I thought I could.”
That’s all he says, letting me cry as he holds me until I’ve exhausted myself. When I finally do, I pull back and he lets me go. I wipe away a few stray tears, and square my shoulders as I meet his gaze. “I’m not ready to forgive you.”
He nods, but doesn’t say anything.
“I want to keep training with Cat.”
Chris nods again.
“Maybe,” I say more hesitantl
y, “maybe with you, too. Next week.”
“Whenever you’re ready,” Chris says.
My curt nod is the best I can manage. I feel my anger at him slipping. Not knowing if that’s a good thing, I turn away and head for the door. I’m done for tonight. If Zander wants to stay, I’ll call Ketchup for a ride. I need to get out of here for a while. There’s too much in my heart and head to process right now, and I have finals to study for, too.
So focused on my escape, I nearly run right into Zander when I reach the door. He grabs my shoulders to keep from knocking me over and looks like he’s about to say something when Cat’s voice cut in and startles us both…in more ways than one.
“I knew I felt something different about Vanessa’s mark. Her hair is only a manifestation of her power, of course, but her power is clearly more advanced than yours, Zander.”
Chapter Ten: Caught
(Oscar)
Zander is agitated as he walks in. That makes me anxious. He is the one who’s supposed to be keeping his head right now while I put mine back together. Van was supposed to come with him, but Zander said she was upset and went home with Ketchup instead. I don’t like that Van is upset, either. Not just because I feel better when Van comes to see me, but because Van changes when she is upset. Her hunger changes. I’m not sure why. It bothers me.
“What happened?” I demand once Zander closes the door to my room. I’ve been in here with Emily and Joshua most of the day, thinking, considering, plotting. They are only gone now to give Joshua a bath. Chris wanted to talk to me while they were gone, but I said it would have to wait. I haven’t decided yet whether his past can be overcome. He hurt my sister, and I do not easily forgive such things.
Zander shakes his head. “I don’t even know. Chris’s wife, have you met her yet?”
I shake my head, not understanding why he would ask me that. Why would I care about meeting Chris’s wife? I didn’t even know she was here. Or care. “What does she have to do with anything?”
Sighing, Zander drops onto an uncomfortable chair someone brought me earlier today. I can’t imagine why they thought I would want it. My brother looks disturbed as he forms his words. “Remember how Van said the Eroi documents mentioned us bearing some kind of mark?”
I nod. I remember everything Van said about the documents, as well as the fact that she has yet to show them to anyone. I’m not sure why she hides them. Not secrets. She knows I hate secrets. She is unable to let them go, though. That bothers me as well.
“Van met Chris’s wife, Caterina, and she referred to Van’s hair as a mark, but said there was something unusual about it. Then when I came in, I guess the comparison between our hair, or power…she said our hair is a manifestation of our power. Anyway, she said Van’s was way more advanced than mine.”
Narrowing my eyes as I consider my brother, his reaction, and the information, I wonder. “This irritated you? You think you’re more advanced?”
I wouldn’t be surprised to hear him admit that. Zander has always thought himself better than us, better than everyone, probably. It makes me want to laugh. His control was never as strong as he pretended. He only avoided anything that would tempt him. That is not the same as strength. Hiding is necessary at times, but not a show of strength. Hiding is more fear than anything else.
“No I don’t think I’m more powerful than Van,” Zander says, surprising me. “Everything she’s been able to do, the way she got through her hunger erupting, I’d be an idiot to think she isn’t the strongest of all three of us.”
I consider that, my ego wanting to remind him that I was the one to kill David. Then the missing pieces remind me that I’m wrong and I don’t say anything.
“Van is special. We both know that. What I don’t understand is that Cat didn’t say Van is more powerful. She said her hunger is more advanced. How? She’s only had her full power for a few months. She’s learning incredibly fast, but something doesn’t fit.”
Falling into a pattern of pacing, I shake my head. “Van is not at her full power. Do not assume such things. What she can do is still developing. I see what you mean, though. Her hunger is wild, jumping away from her, tasting others, exploring without her permission. That doesn’t sound advanced, but there is something else…”
The carpet on the floor muffles my footsteps. I don’t think I like that. In the hospital the floors were linoleum. I heard people coming, heard the cadence of my own steps. It was comforting, at times. The muted shuffle I hear now is not comforting.
“Something else?” Zander asks irritably.
His tone annoys me, but I think I might have forgotten he was there for a while. I try not to be irritated at him in return. “I think Chris is wrong about Van’s talent. Partially.”
“What do you mean? Van does have visions. She’s told me about them.”
Waving off his idiotic statement, I have to try even harder not to snap at him. “Of course. That’s not what I meant. I’m talking about the underlying activity of her gift, the continuous use.” The look on my brother’s face says he still doesn’t understand. It is hard not to be annoyed at him. “It isn’t the visions that are happening regularly,” I snap. “It’s something else. If it were visions, or premonitions, Van would not get in trouble so often.”
Shrugging, Zander seems undecided on whether or not I’m right. I don’t care whether he agrees. I know I am right. It is something else Chris feels working continuously in Van. Something related to her wild hunger and it’s tasting of Joshua.
My thoughts spin off in a new direction as I think of my son. He was so happy to be with me. He knew me. Emily made sure. She wants to be with me. Can we? I’m trying. So hard, I’m trying to put all the missing pieces back together so we don’t have to be apart. She says she is fine, but she needs me. I need her. I think maybe I can be okay if I’m with her all the time.
“Oscar?” Zander says without the edge of frustration in his voice I heard earlier.
“I’ll keep considering this mark business,” I tell him. It is important, but reeks of uncertainty. “You came to talk about the rogues. We need to discuss that before you leave. Before Annabelle leaves with you, home to a home that was never mine. I’m not sure I like her living with you.”
Sighing, Zander says, “I know, but it’s what I want. I need her in my life, Oscar, like you need Emily and Joshua. She keeps me grounded and makes me happy.”
“Will you marry her?” I ask. “Once, Emily and I were going to get married. Before everything unraveled. She said she would marry me. I was happy then.”
The kind of smile I haven’t seen on my brother’s face before spreads across his mouth. I think maybe he’s thinking about Annabelle, but he says, “Emily will still marry you when it’s safe and we aren’t preparing for a war. You’ll be happy with her and Joshua again, and not because it’s too dangerous for them to be away from you.”
He says it with faith. It’s strange coming from him. We have never been close like brothers should be. It’s changing, though, the way we see each other, the way we speak and relate. We are growing closer. Even though things are difficult and I thought Zander would hate me forever. I wonder again if Emily is right and I should tell them about that night.
“You didn’t answer my question about Annabelle.”
Zander’s brows rise. “Will I marry her?” He shrugs. “Eventually. Things are too crazy right now, though. I’ve still got another year of high school, anyway.”
The scowl that settles on his face says how he feels about that. It’s never bothered him before. In fact, I think he used to be glad of the delay. It kept Van here with her friends longer. Zander graduating means him leaving, college, football, maybe basketball. Somewhere else. Before, Van would have to go with him. Now? I’m not certain anymore. Would she stay with me? I would like that. I don’t know if it’s what she would want, though. It wouldn’t be official. I’m wanted. Zander will be her guardian, not me. I failed Van in that way.
“Tell me abou
t the rogue. Your vague text said you knew where to find one. Did you?”
Nodding, I’m pacing again. Too many thoughts cramming themselves into my head. “I met him right after David showed up and promised to help me.”
“Wait. When exactly?” Zander sits up, his gaze piercing me. “You mean after Mom and Dad died? Grandma said he tried to take you then. Or are you talking about before, the reason Emily found his number in your phone and called him?”
I shake my head, my fingers twitching. I didn’t mean to bring this up. I can’t explain without it. “David came before that. Promised to help me with my hunger. Tried to teach me things. At first they helped, but I didn’t trust him. Too greedy. Too much need in his eyes when he saw my power. He wanted me to leave, to go to the compound and train. I refused. He threatened. Made things difficult. I already had missing pieces by then, and he made it harder to control myself because I was scared. Emily was pregnant. I had to protect them.”
“I know,” Zander says in a pacifying voice.
“David being around stirred up the rogues. They hate him. All the Godlings. One contacted me, told me not to trust him. Told me things he had done, promises broken and lies told. My mind was cracking under the pressure. He told me things I hadn’t known before. David showing up proved Mom and Dad had lied. Anger. So much anger at them. I had to stay away even though it hurt and made Van sad. That was enough to make the missing pieces worse, because they kept us from truth and help. What the rogues told me made it worse.”
“How?” Zander asks.
“David told me Dad trained with him, to prepare. That didn’t bother me so much until the rogue told me what David’s true purpose was. The killing. I knew what killing did to me. The first two, they were terrible people, and I didn’t feel so bad about them, but it’s not good for us to kill. It tears something out. Warps our hunger, our minds.”
Zander’s eyes drop. Lisa’s death was an accident. I believe him. He cared about her. He didn’t mean to end her life, even though he lied about it after. It’s different to kill by accident, not as damaging to us. Even Van’s missing pieces are different. Her killing was done to protect others. I kill on purpose. The first two and David. My parents were not on purpose, but they damaged my hunger and heart, my mind.
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