by Jody Medland
‘M-m, h-m,’ she confirmed.
‘How much longer do you need?’ asked Tony.
‘A few days,’ she speculated.
‘A few? No,’ he said, assertively. ‘Tuesday night you’ll be back here. And I mean here! Not a phone call. Whatever you have on them by then, we use, but if you have nothing, we assume there is nothing. Understand?’
‘Of course!’ she agreed, with added enthusiasm.
There was a short silence on the phone as both Tony and Amanda sat stuck in their own conflicting sadness.
‘It’s nice to talk to you,’ Tony finally admitted.
‘You too,’ she said. ‘I love you!’
With that, Amanda put the phone down. She looked back to Christian, who finally opened his eyes, and smiled appreciatively.
‘Thank you,’ she said, before pushing herself to her feet.
‘No problem,’ he insisted.
As Amanda readied herself to leave, she saw a framed photograph hanging behind Christian’s desk in which he caressed a woman’s belly.
Lydia! She thought, suddenly becoming aware this was the only pictorial evidence she had seen of his wife within the house. The pregnant couple appeared the epitome of happiness.
‘Are you alright?’ asked Christian, snapping Amanda out of her daze.
‘Oh! Yeah. I just… stood up too fast! I’ll see you in the morning,’ she said, leaving the room with haste.
‘She was pregnant!’ exclaimed Amanda into her Dictaphone as she paced around the room. ‘This means Christian must have lost them both! It finally explains why both families came here. They were bonded through trauma. It makes sense now why Maggie didn’t want to talk about it. It was a tragedy that must have broken their hearts. I have to say, there are many things I don’t like about their methods, on which a full report will follow, but I believe when both families moved here, their intentions may have been good.’
She switched the Dictaphone off, continuing to think over what she had just learnt. She placed her hand on her belly and felt incredibly lucky. To have lost a child must have been awful, but for the family to lose the mother as well. Well, it must have been almost too much to bear. Suddenly, Amanda felt a pang of guilt about having come into their home in order to analyse their lives; lives that were tinged with unfathomable tragedy.
In Christian’s office, the needle no longer touched the record. Instead, it hovered in mid-air, bobbing amidst the gentle hissing sound of the vinyl as it went round and round. Christian sat still in his chair, his eyes were red but he was wide awake.
‘I see the way you look at her,’ said Karen, who prowled around him somewhat menacingly.
‘You do? And how’s that?’ he asked, despondently.
‘You know exactly what I mean,’ she said. ‘You used to look at me like that.’
A sudden sadness washed over Karen’s face as she found it within herself to be vulnerable. Very few people had seen her in such a way. Indeed, when Walter first courted her, it was a very singular combination of traits that had won his affections. She was fierce and unafraid to speak her mind. She had strong morals and acted with conviction. However, during the moments they shared alone together, she would reveal a soft and loving nature. That Walter was the only one to see her true self made their relationship all the more special to him. Life, however, had a very uncanny knack of changing things.
Standing by helplessly as cancer ate away at her mother changed Karen. Suddenly, the glimpses of beauty that had appeared in the world became harder to find, as did her God, who never answered a single one of her prayers as she pleaded for her mother to be spared her humiliation and pain. The disease took a heavier toll on Karen’s father, who never recovered from watching his wife’s demise. The man, renowned for being eternally cheerful, became a shadow of his former self. Within three months of his wife’s funeral, he wilted away like a broken flower, dying through what Karen believed to be a broken heart.
Time did not prove to be a healer as so many people claimed and in one fell swoop, Walter lost his mother, father and beloved younger sister when an over-tired lorry driver fell asleep at the wheel and ploughed straight into their car as they journeyed up to the Lake District. Walter’s sister had talked about her wedding day ever since she was eight-years-old and when she finally met the man of her dreams she was desperate to introduce him to her parents. The Scot, who came from Aberdeen, had arranged for his immediate family to spend the weekend at a holiday home with her parents. The only reason Walter was not in the car was because he had already met and approved of her fiancé during an impromptu trip to Oxford, where he was working as a butler. The fatal accident achieved two things: it led Walter to ask for Karen’s hand in marriage so that he might live out his sister’s dream of creating a glorious white wedding, but although she accepted, it pushed Karen further into her belief that the world was a bad place where only awful things happened.
One day, shortly after their wedding, Walter found a small notebook lying on the kitchen table of their home. He opened it out of gentle curiosity and what he found disturbed him greatly. Through a series of manic scribblings, Karen had vented her inner anger, describing how she felt the fire of hell growing inside her, burning her insides and leaving her dead to the world. She noted how everything around her had lost its innocence and that, in hating herself to the point she no longer wished to live, she could find nothing but hatred for others and could not abide their happiness. Walter returned the book to the table and never spoke of his findings. Instead, he kept a close eye on his wife and took painstaking efforts to pull her out of her depressed state. One day, quite by accident, Karen fell pregnant and for a while it seemed to have returned her zest for life. However, this was to prove a temporary relief, and mothering her own children would eventually provide the final push towards bitter and twisted delusions that spiralled out of all control.
*
‘I won’t have this conversation,’ said Christian, adamantly. ‘What we did was wrong,’ he added, simmering with regret.
It was not a rejection Karen was prepared to take and, moving towards him like a ravenous snake, she wrapped herself around him and kissed him on the mouth. Christian pushed her away, his face distorted as though he’d swallowed poison.
‘What are you doing?’ he yelled. ‘I told you never again!’
‘Lydia left us, Christian. She left us! Remember that,’ she spat, angrily, before slithering back into the darkness of the downstairs hallway.
CHAPTER TWELVE
A Promise is a Promise
Monday 14th February, 1972
Breakfast was in full flow as Margaret arranged the children at the dining room table and Amanda added her own special touches in the kitchen. She had cut the toast into small triangles instead of chunky rectangles and by using a small knife she had managed to turn the tomatoes into decorative food that the children suddenly wanted to eat. Margaret smiled broadly at Amanda, who hummed lightly as she placed the appetising meals in front of Malcolm and Gordon, leaving Reuben drooling in wait.
‘Feeling at home now, are we?’ she remarked.
‘I am,’ grinned Amanda.
‘Good morning, Amanda,’ said Georgina happily as she stepped into the kitchen.
‘Good morning to you, Georgie,’ she replied. ‘Take your seat. Yours is coming right up!’
‘Is there anything I can do?’ Margaret asked as Amanda made her way back to the door.
‘Sure! You can bring in the rest of the plates while I take Ellie her breakfast.’
*
The thought of entering Ellie’s room no longer held any fear for Amanda now that she knew she could handle it alone. She slipped into the room, quickly placing the tray back onto the floor as she prepared to restrain her. On this occasion, however, Ellie simply lay on her side like a lioness happy to let its keeper tend to business around her. Amanda noticed that the apple from the previous evening had been lightly nibbled but otherwise abandoned. Its contents were bro
wn and unfit for consumption.
Damn it!
‘I cooked most of this today,’ enthused Amanda. ‘Why don’t you try it? You must be starving!’
As she expected, Ellie ignored her, but the fact she had not launched an attack marked definite progress. Amanda picked the plate up from the floor, along with its plastic utensils, and stepped closer.
‘Look at the tomatoes!’ she said, as though it were the most exciting thing in the world.
Ellie didn’t move and so Amanda walked to the other side of the bed and held the plate directly in front of her. Ellie observed the food briefly before rolling over. Amanda shrugged and walked back to the other side of the bed.
‘Ever played with marbles?’ she asked, completely out of the blue. ‘It’s a shame you don’t have any because we could play together.’
Amanda placed her hand in her pocket and pulled out an elaborate marble that had vibrant colours running through it, like a rainbow trapped in the glass. She had seen a whole stack of them under the stairs when helping pack the toys away and hoped she may be able to use them as a bargaining tool. She appeared to be right as the mere sight of it improved Ellie’s interest in her significantly.
‘This is one of my favourites but I have hundreds. Would you like it?’ she asked, tantalisingly waving it in front of the girl. Suddenly, Ellie tried to take it but Amanda closed her hand and pulled it away.
‘Nuh-uh,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘If you want it, you have to earn it. I tell you what. Every time you answer a question or eat your food, I’ll give you a marble. Then, before you know it, you’ll have enough marbles to play with.’
Ellie tried to hide her excitement, but the way her eyes suddenly sparkled made it clear Amanda had won her full attention.
‘I want to talk about the marks on your arm. How did you get them?’
Suddenly, Ellie slumped back into a sullen look.
‘I can’t give you a marble unless you answer me. Did you do it to yourself?’
The girl didn’t much move, but Amanda could tell her mind was a flurry of activity and she developed high hopes that Ellie would soon talk to her.
‘You wouldn’t understand,’ Ellie eventually replied in a deflated, barely audible voice.
‘Why don’t you try me?’ tested Amanda, before being reacquainted with the back of Ellie’s head as she rolled over on the bed.
Deep down inside, Amanda was tempted to push harder, but the fact Ellie had finally spoken was significant success for the visit and so Amanda forced herself to ease off. What still troubled her, though, was Ellie’s refusal to eat. Her skin was pale and something about the way she was slumped on the bed suggested she didn’t have much energy. It suddenly occurred to Amanda that this might even be the reason Ellie didn’t attack her… she simply couldn’t. Amanda considered her options. She felt that if she left the food then Ellie would have the temptation to eat along with the freedom to do so without feeling like she had “given in” to one of the carers. The risk was that she would have to leave the utensils, something Margaret had specifically told her not to do. Amanda reasoned that if she didn’t at least attempt this, though, the girl would soon starve. Also, if blackmailing her with marbles was going to work, she would soon have to trust the girl would not use them to choke herself. Quite simply, a life spent in fear was no life at all, and so Amanda quickly made her decision.
‘Ellie, I’m going to leave your food here. I’ll be back in a little while,’ she said, approaching the door and opening it slightly before turning back.
‘I want to help you, Ellie. I hope you can see that,’ she said, before leaving the room and locking the door, leaving the youngster to contemplate her words.
*
Feeling productive, Amanda pulled the damp clothes from out of the washing machine and loaded the garments into a wicker basket. She carried it out into the garden where the clothesline stood. Much to her delight, she heard a snip-snipping coming from the bottom of the yard where a tall, scruffy figure trimmed a hedge. At long last, after finding countless excuses to linger around his quarters, she had finally laid her eyes on Arthur, the groundskeeper. Without a moment’s hesitation, she made her way towards him. Upon noticing this, he nervously shaped to leave.
‘Hi! I’m Amanda,’ she said, bowling up to him with a smile and an outstretched hand.
At her exuberant greeting, he hesitated.
‘Mmm… hallo,’ he replied, sounding anxious.
His brow was clammy and he fidgeted considerably. As she took a hold of his hand, she noticed his grip was weak and his palm was sweaty. After a brief, awkward shake, he practically threw her hand back at her.
‘You’re Arthur, right?’ she asked, saying whatever she could think of to keep the conversation going.
‘Uh… yah!’
‘It’s nice to finally meet you,’ she said, warmly.
She monitored him closely. His complete lack of confidence prevented him from even making eye contact and he appeared desperate to get away.
‘You’ve done a wonderful job with the garden!’ she praised, believing that taking the subject matter and her eye line away from him may afford the man some comfort.
‘Th-th-thank you,’ he stuttered.
‘How come we never see you at the house?’
Just as it seemed Arthur was about to reply, he looked nervously towards the top of the garden where Karen had emerged. She was strutting down towards them and Arthur immediately lowered his head and shied away.
‘Amanda, could you give Margaret a hand with the children, please?’ she asked in a way that sounded more like an instruction than a request.
‘Sure! I’ll see you soon, Arthur,’ chirped Amanda, offering a kind smile.
He nodded at her and as Amanda took slow steps back towards the house, Karen remained, edging ever closer to him. Amanda stalled for as long as she could but it was clear Karen wouldn’t speak until she was out of earshot, so she trotted back up the small grass hill.
‘What were you two talking about?’ asked Karen.
‘N-n-nothing,’ dismissed Arthur.
‘Nothing, eh?’
He shook his head, assuring her it was true.
‘Make sure you keep it that way, you fucking retard!’ she snarled, viciously, as she put her face close to his. ‘Or you know what will happen. Don’t you?’
He whimpered like a dog that had been beaten with a stick.
‘Good. Now get back to work!’ she demanded, prompting him to fumble for his sheers and continue cutting the hedge, glancing nervously towards her as he did so.
*
Upon entering the house, Amanda revisited Ellie’s bedroom where the young girl slept peacefully. Lying on the floor beside the bed was a half empty plate. Amanda could barely contain her joy and the moment made her tearful. She fought hard to keep her emotions in check and moved around the room in silence before picking up the plate. Remaining true to her word, she placed the marble on the floor and left as quietly as she’d entered.
*
As Amanda walked through the first floor hallway, she heard playful noises coming from Reuben and Georgina’s bedroom. It was most irregular for the children to be left indoors unattended and so she pushed the door open gently to find Christian sat with him.
‘Nee-naw, nee-naw, nee-naw…’ Reuben sounded as he pushed the bright red fire engine around on the floor.
Amanda found the boy’s enthusiasm infectious and was always pleased to see him happy. When he was playing with toys, particularly his favourite fire engine, he seemed to be in his element, and the sight of Christian playing with him made her feel a little gooey inside. Christian looked up and acknowledged her with a nod.
‘You like trucks, don’t you Reub?’ said Christian.
Reuben nodded his head, too involved in his own world to actually speak.
‘Why don’t you come outside with the others? It’s a beautiful day. It’ll be even nicer when the summer gets here, and we’ve got to m
ake the most of it,’ Christian assured him. ‘Winter’s nearly over. Do you know what comes next?’ he asked, encouragingly.
‘Schpring!’ answered Reuben, to which Amanda smiled.
‘That’s right!’ said Christian, proudly, before ruffling the young boy’s hair. ‘Come on. Let’s walk down with Amanda.’
Reuben looked up in excitement, not having realised she was stood there.
‘Where did you come from?’ he asked, pushing himself to his feet.
‘Ellie’s room,’ she replied.
Reuben walked over to her, reaching out to hold her hand. She grabbed it happily, balancing Ellie’s dirty plate in the other.
‘Is she allowed outside?’ asked Reuben, innocently
Amanda looked over to Christian.
‘Uh… hopefully soon,’ she said cautiously, trying not to commit to anything.
‘That’ll be nice,’ said Reuben as he led Amanda out of the room.
‘Don’t you worry, Reub,’ Christian called out to him, light-heartedly. ‘I’ll carry the truck!’
*
In the garden, another pretend game of chess ensued under the partial supervision of Walter. Everything in the house had run like clockwork since Amanda’s arrival and she wondered how on earth the residents could bear it. For her, such repetition would make her stir crazy. She wondered who it was that possessed the greater problem – the home’s elders who were happy to relive the same day over and over, or her for not being able to tolerate such a mundane existence. After all, maybe normality was all these people wanted after experiencing such sadness in their lives.
Amanda sat beside Malcolm on the swing. His movement was so unnervingly rare that he barely even blinked. Nearby, Christian sat playing a game of top trumps with Reuben, the theme of that particular pack being monsters. Upon looking at his final card, on which a unique illustration of a panther prowled with a menacing snarl, Christian became momentarily distracted by its detail, so much so that he failed to register the words Reuben had spoken.
