God, he’d missed her.
It had taken him nearly a year to feel like himself again after she’d ended things. No, Eli amended; he’d never felt quite whole again. Instead, he’d learned to deal with a missing part of his heart. But Eli still felt the hospital and the patients were his ultimate priority.
He was learning to balance things with Lizzy, but he was a doctor first—always. And one day, he was going to be in that annual report of the best physicians. But reminding himself of that did nothing to stop the yearning for Amara.
Eli just needed to get through this shift.
But she’d be here tomorrow too and the day after that.
Amara’s soft scent spun through him, and Eli told himself to stop being ridiculous. It was the memory of how she’d smelled, how she felt, how she made him feel, that was chasing him now.
Nothing more.
Could he work with her? Eli shook the question away. Of course, he could. Amara was an excellent nurse, and she’d be an asset to the hospital, that was all that mattered.
His gaze wandered to the nurses’ station. She was here. As a colleague, his brain ruthlessly reminded his heart. But it didn’t care.
* * *
Amara yawned as she signed off on a few case reports. The rest of her shift had been blessedly quiet, and she and Eli had managed to avoid each other for most of the night. That should make her happy, or at least it should be a neutral feeling. But Amara had found herself looking for him countless times.
Even with Eli’s unexpected presence, Amara had had a good night. Here at Boston Gen. she’d just been Amara. No one had asked how she was doing. No one questioned if she was feeling lonely or offered to set her up with someone. No one commented on how Joe wasn’t good enough for her, while also asking if she’d heard about his impending parenthood.
She’d tried to be grateful to everyone in her last hospital for their concern, but she’d felt like a fool there. Here the only hiccup was Eli.
Amara’s chest hurt as she remembered their brief conversation. She’d almost confided how much she’d missed him. How glad she was that he hadn’t taken the surgical residency his father had sought for him. She hadn’t lied; Eli did belong in the ER. But his comment that Boston Gen. could be the best in the city with only a few changes had sent a chill down her spine.
Eli was clearly still worried about that annual report—the recognition he thought he needed. Still measuring success by a metric his father had laid out.
Boston General didn’t need fixing. Part of what made this hospital so special was that it focused only on its patients, not fundraising, recognition, or awards. It just served the community—and it was a shame that it didn’t earn the respect it should. At least that was Amara’s opinion.
She looked around one more time but then shook herself. She shouldn’t be searching for him, hoping they would work on the same shift, shouldn’t be focused on him at all. Still, after they’d worked on their last patient, Eli had seemed a little lost. Her palms had itched to reach for him. At least she’d managed to avoid that urge. It wasn’t professional. But for all the confidence he exuded, Amara still saw the insecurity in him. And maybe loneliness too.
Or maybe she was just exhausted. Eli had a daughter, a family. There was no reason for him to be lonely. Amara was starting over, and that meant looking forward—not back.
It had hurt to walk away when she’d loved him so much. But she’d wanted a partner, a true partner. Someone who didn’t chase business deals or national rankings while skipping dinner, vacations and recitals with their family.
She couldn’t live in her partner’s shadow. Joe had claimed she hadn’t really needed him. That she’d made decisions without considering him. That he’d had to cheat on her. Had to. But if you needed someone, they could destroy you.
Amara flinched at the intrusive thought. She hated that she’d believed that was one way to protect herself from feeling like her mother had.
Like Amara had when she’d ended things with Eli.
She’d needed Eli, though she hadn’t realized how much before she walked away. For months, years, her heart had felt like it had evaporated. Leaving him was the right choice back then; she’d loved Eli so much that she’d have lost herself eventually. At least that was the story she always told herself when the memory of what they’d shared chased her.
And she hadn’t let herself fall that hard for anyone since.
“Amara?” Eli’s hand pushed lightly against her shoulder.
“Eli?”
Her heart sang, then cried as he broke the connection. How was she supposed to work with him if she still responded to the simplest touch? Blinking, she covered a yawn.
“Sorry, did you need something?”
“You looked lost in thought.” His eyes dipped to her lips. Eli opened his mouth to say something else, then closed it and shook his head.
Amara nodded and shrugged “Nightshift does cause the mind to wander if you aren’t too busy with patients.”
“Did it wander anywhere good?” he teased.
“Nope.” Amara’s cheeks felt hot, and she kept her gaze focused elsewhere, away from his dark chocolate eyes. Years ago, he’d have challenged the lie, but now Eli just raised an eyebrow. “Did you need something, Dr. Collins?” she asked again.
His lips turned down, but his voice was steady as he nodded toward the door. “Our shift is over. I wanted to make sure you didn’t stay past quitting time.” Eli waved to an incoming doctor as he started for the elevators.
After grabbing her purse, she stepped beside him. “It was nice to see you again, Eli.”
Before he could respond, his phone dinged and lit up with a picture of a sleeping little girl sucking her thumb. Amara’s stomach clenched at the thought of Eli’s family. She hated to think of someone else claiming him. It had been years; her heart shouldn’t bleed because he’d moved on. Amara’s emotions were simply too close to the surface from the long night.
That was all.
Eli stepped into an elevator. “It was good to see you too. How long do you think it will be before it doesn’t feel a little weird?”
Never.
Amara let out a soft chuckle to cover the nerves spinning through her stomach. “Did it feel weird?”
Eli raised an eyebrow and laughed with her. “Maybe just a bit.”
“Yes,” Amara agreed, enjoying the sound of Eli’s laugh. The rich sound reverberated in the enclosed space, and she felt her shoulders relax. They could do this, work together and be friendly.
The spell broke as the elevator doors opened on the parking level. How was she supposed to do this? Amara forced a casual smile as Eli offered her a small wave before heading in the opposite direction.
“Goodbye,” Amara whispered before pulling her keys from her purse. Tomorrow would be better. She’d be prepared to see him, and the raw emotions scorching her now would be dulled. She could do this—she could.
“Damn it!” Eli’s curse echoed in the parking garage as she reached her car.
Her key was in her door; Amara could pretend she hadn’t heard anything, but she hated the unkind thought. Her body was wired from being near him all night, but Amara blew out a breath. It shouldn’t matter that Eli was her ex; he was a colleague who’d had a long night and wanted to get home to his family. If anyone else had sounded distressed, she wouldn’t hesitate to see what was wrong.
Tossing her purse in the front seat, Amara locked her car and followed the sounds of Eli’s rant to the other side of the parking garage. Her eyes widened as she watched him kick at the wheel clamp that had been placed on his left back tire. “Did you break any of your toes?”
“No!” Eli huffed as he leaned against the driver’s side door. “I forgot to renew my parking pass.”
“Parking security at Boston Gen. seems pretty serious. Don’t most place
s just slap a ticket on your window?”
Eli glared at the bright yellow wheel clamp. “Our parking attendant takes her job very seriously.” Eli pulled out his phone. “Fiona, I’m sorry about the pass. It slipped my mind with everything. Call me back, please.” He blew out an exasperated breath as Amara leaned beside him. “She’ll call back eventually. Guess if I want to go home sooner I need to order an Uber.”
She jiggled her keys. “Want a lift?” Amara made the offer without thinking—but she couldn’t withdraw it now. Forcing herself to sound cheery, she joked, “You have to promise not to kick my tires, though.”
Eli’s eyes wandered across her, and Amara held her breath. He used to be able to read her so easily. Did he realize how uneasy he made her? How part of her wished she’d just gotten in her car and gone home? And that an even larger part of Amara yearned to lean into Eli and pretend that a decade hadn’t passed?
For almost three years, he’d been her sanctuary. The person she told her secrets and fears to. The world had disappeared when she was in Eli’s arms. No other partner had ever managed to make her feel so loved and cherished.
Except their love hadn’t been enough to make him put her first once the residency searches had begun. And his desire to be the best had colored every choice. Amara was a nurse. Of course she cared about her patients, but you had only one family. Once they were gone...
Water under the bridge, she reminded herself.
They’d been young and still expected the world to be kind when they’d found each other. The universe didn’t operate on kindness or fairness. If it did, Boston Gen. wouldn’t have such a hard time balancing its accounting books while serving its community. The sick would be able to get care regardless of their ability to pay, and her mother would have found a man to truly stand beside her in sickness and in health.
The air seemed to evaporate as she stared at Eli. He still hadn’t answered her. Amara shrugged. Fine. She wasn’t going to beg him to let her drive him home. “Have a good day, Eli.”
She hadn’t taken three steps before he was striding next to her. “What if one of your tires looks at me weird?”
“What?” Amara stared at his brilliant grin.
“Am I allowed to kick one of your tires if it looks at me weird?” Eli winked. “Usually my jokes are funny, but I’m tired. I’ll do better next time.”
“Oh, my gosh, Eli Collins tells dad jokes, now.” His grin sent a small thrill through her.
“I guess I do.”
Just for a moment, Amara thought he might reach for her.
But of course he didn’t.
Placing his hands in his pockets, Eli matched each of her strides. He’d done that years ago too. Slowing his gait to make sure they stayed together. Pressing her keys into her palms, Amara wanted to shake herself. She was looking for small things to hold on to, and that wasn’t going to make working beside Eli any easier.
* * *
Eli sent a quick text to his mom, thanking her for the picture of Lizzy as he gave Amara directions to his home. His mom had told him to let her know if she sent too many pictures, but Eli couldn’t get enough.
That still shocked him. Sam had always loved kids. He’d volunteered as a Big Brother to elementary school kids while in college and med school, and had developed a repertoire of dad jokes before he’d even met his wife. His brother had also gone into pediatric surgery.
But Eli hadn’t felt drawn to kids, not like Sam. He’d done his pediatric rotations but never considered its specialties. The adrenaline of the ER was too great. He’d been so focused on his goals that he’d never thought of being a parent.
No, his mind ruthlessly reminded him. He’d thought about it. Specifically, how Amara would be a wonderful mother...
“Your daughter is adorable.” Amara glanced at another image on his phone.
“Lizzy is my niece,” Eli stated. He needed Amara to know that. It seemed ridiculous after all their time apart, but Eli wanted her to know he hadn’t found someone else. She’d been right. Family was important. A lesson he hadn’t fully learned until he’d taken Lizzy in. At least he hadn’t ever seen the despair his mother had finally learned to hide hovering on his own partner’s face.
Like it had clung to Amara so long ago.
“Sam and his wife died in a plane crash about eight months ago, and Lizzy came to live with me.” His voice caught just a bit, as it always did when he talked about Sam.
“I’m so sorry, Eli.” Amara’s hand reached for his. She squeezed it once but then let go.
Clearing his throat, Eli clenched his fist to keep from reaching for her hand. That simple touch sent fire up his arm. He’d spent years dreaming of her, and now she was here, so close, and there was no reason for him to hold her hand. Or push the lock of hair away from her cheek, ask what she was thinking, kiss her... All those things he’d taken for granted until she’d walked away.
Leaning back against the headrest, he drummed his fingers against his knees. “I have no experience with kids. Sam met Yolanda at a pediatric surgical conference. The two were natural parents. I’m not really sure what I’m doing.”
“I think most parents feel that way.” Amara shot him a quick wink. “For every parent that rarely has doubts, I suspect there are hundreds that question every minor decision.”
“Do you have children?” She’d wanted to be a mother, a wife... Was her husband waiting for her at home? Was she going to send her kids off to school before climbing into bed?
“No.” Amara’s tone was light, but he saw her lip tremble. His eyes flashed to her bare ring finger, and she shook her head. “Not married.”
He stared out the window. “I’m not married either.” The words sounded so stilted, and Eli wanted to slap himself. Luckily, Amara seemed willing to let the statement go.
For years he’d been jealous of a man who didn’t exist. The thought reverberated around his skull as the traffic inched forward. Eli had always figured Amara would find someone. A man to have a life with, to love. It hurt to think of her with someone else, but the slight wobble in her lip hurt more. She was alone, and there was more to the story, but he couldn’t ask—shouldn’t.
The car was silent as Amara stopped at a red light. They’d hit downtown at morning rush hour, and the gridlock stretched before them. It didn’t matter that they were trying to go only a few miles, the red parking brakes highlighted the extended time they were going to spend together.
“How old is Lizzy?” Amara’s question broke the uncomfortable silence.
“Almost two. I have to figure out how to throw a birthday party in a few months.” Eli shook his head. What did you do for a two-year-old’s birthday?
“Now, that is definitely one of those minor issues that you don’t need to worry about.” She let out a soft chuckle. “You just get a cake and a few presents. Parties aren’t hard. I seem to remember throwing you a very cheap one my senior year.”
“It wasn’t cheap!” Eli protested. Amara had thrown him a surprise party in college. They’d played loud music, danced with friends and had a blast. It had been perfect—she’d been perfect.
“I hung streamers that I got seventy-five percent off because they’d lost half their dye sitting in the store’s sunny window. I handed out chintzy dollar store hats. I only splurged on the magic relighting candles.”
“I loved everything about that party.” Eli smiled as she grinned at him. “Except for the relighting candles. We could have burned down the apartment with the way those things were sparking.”
Amara shook her head. A few strands of her dark hair had come loose from her braided bun, and she pushed them behind her ear and said, “No, we could not have!”
Eli laughed. “So, what kind of cake do you think I should get for Lizzy?” It wasn’t one of the hundreds of questions he wanted to ask, but birthday parties seemed like a safe topic right now
.
Much safer than Have you thought about us for the last ten years too?
“A pretty one. I bet the grocery store has a book you can pick from. Lizzy’s so little that she won’t remember the specifics. She’ll just feel loved. That’s what matters most, Eli,” Amara said.
He shrugged. That sounded simple, but how did you convey love to a toddler? “I want her party to be special. To be the best!”
“No pressure.” Amara playfully rolled her eyes. “It’s a toddler’s party. Does she like princesses? Or flowers or superheroes?”
“She enjoys The Princess and the Frog story. We read it at least ten times a week,” Eli replied. Right after she’d come to live with him, he had painted her room bright yellow and hung pink flower carvings across it. It looked almost exactly like the room she’d had at her home. It was a small thing, but Lizzy had climbed into his lap for the first time that night and dropped The Princess and the Frog in his hand. That was the moment when Eli had felt like he might be able to handle fatherhood.
The weird feeling of parental pride and grief warred inside him. Sam should be the one planning the party, but he wasn’t here. Shaking the thought away, Eli continued, “She likes dolls too. She carries around one that Mom got her. It’s named Baby.”
“Nothing like the creativity of young children.” Amara’s face lit up. “You could get her a doll cake. I always wanted one of those. One of the grocery stores had a display. The cake was the doll’s dress, and she looked so pretty. I used to beg Mom to get me one, but she always made my cakes. That’s another option. You could bake Lizzy’s cake!” Amara’s eyes sparkled with the dare.
He was a better cook now than he had been, but not by much. Before he took custody of Lizzy, most of his meals had come from the hospital vending machine or the frozen food aisle at the grocery store. Eli threw a hand over his heart. “I feel like you might be mocking my fear of birthday party planning.”
Amara shook her head, but her lips twitched. “Maybe a little.” She met his gaze and shrugged. “Or a lot.”
Falling Again for the Single Dad Page 4
