Next year...
Those two words sent a thrill through him. “You pick the date and place, and I’ll be there.”
“It’s more than picking a date and a place,” Amara said. “Half the fun is planning the adventure. Poring over research—” she eyed his papers “—planning out schedules to see all the sights. Then ripping the schedule up and sleeping in late!”
Amara beamed. “I bought two more guidebooks today too. Figured we might want to plan based on the season. The winters in Boston can be pretty icy. Do we want to escape then? Or spend a week somewhere cool in the summer?”
“Two more?” Eli laughed, “Are we going to own every guidebook ever written?”
“Maybe.” Amara tapped his nose.
Eli pulled her into his lap. His lips captured hers. He sighed as Amara’s fingers ran through his hair.
“You’re trying to distract me,” Eli accused as Amara grinned.
“Guilty.” She glared at the stack of papers next to him. “You’re still wrapped up in the national rankings. You’ve been digging through apps, ratings and survey criteria for over a week. You even slept on the couch last night. You need a break, Eli.”
“It’s interesting.” He kissed her, hoping it would erase the tiny downward turn of her lips. “Some people argue the rankings are the thing that defines an institution. Others claim the rankings are bought. What no one discusses is how to get on the survey. And that’s the key. If you don’t get on the survey...get your hospital on the survey,” Eli corrected. “Then you can’t be on the final list.”
Eli tapped the stack of papers. “But I am going to find out. Boston General is at least going to be nominated this year.”
Amara’s frown deepened, and his heart clenched. He’d been so focused on these apps and ratings that he hadn’t been very present this week. And that wasn’t fair to his family. Eli grabbed for the guidebook in her lap. “But tonight, none of that matters, because we are talking about vacations.”
Her eyes lit up as she flipped to a few pages that were already dog-eared. Her enthusiasm was contagious. It almost made Eli forget the stack of papers and research beside him.
Almost.
* * *
“Are you coming to bed, Eli?” He hadn’t come up to bed with her in several nights, but she wanted to believe tonight would be different.
Please.
“What did you say?” Eli asked without looking up from the couch.
Amara was trying not to be jealous of the various papers and folders spread across the living room. It was ridiculous to compete with his research. But it was hard when those items seemed to be able to hold his attention far longer than she could.
How could this have happened so quickly? How could he slide away from her so easily? She knew this was important to him, to what he wanted for Boston General. But what if this was only the first of a lifetime of important projects?
Amara tried to push that fear aside as she watched him furiously write out notes as he scrolled through another web page. “Are you coming to bed?” she repeated.
Eli blinked as he turned to face her, and then he rubbed his eyes. He smiled and winked, but Amara saw his exhaustion. “I’ll be up in ten minutes, honey. Fifteen tops.”
“Promise?” Amara asked as she walked over to drop a kiss on his lips.
“I promise,” Eli stated, but his eyes were already focused on the screen in front of him.
“I love you,” Amara called as she started for the door. She paused for a moment, but Eli didn’t answer back. It was fine, she promised herself. But it was worry that carried her off to sleep—alone.
CHAPTER TWELVE
ELI WAS LATE for their date—again. Twisting the fork around on her plate, Amara glared at the hands on her watch. If she’d wanted to eat alone, she could have gone back to her apartment and done that.
They’d planned to meet before each of their shifts for the last week. Eli had gotten progressively later every day—at least she hadn’t waited to order today. Yesterday, Eli had been so late, they hadn’t managed to eat anything. She wasn’t going to arrive at Boston Gen. hungry again.
Irritated but not hungry.
Boxing up the sandwich she’d ordered for Eli, Amara hated the tears hovering in her eyes and the fear that was increasingly wrapping around her heart. He was pulling away from her. Slipping into work and letting his family slide—just like her father had. What if she wasn’t enough compared to apps and rankings and his desire to be the best?
Eli checked his email first thing in the morning, and it was the last thing he looked at before bed—when he made it to bed. Last night was the third time this week that she’d come downstairs to find him asleep on the couch. And it was only Wednesday. She’d woken up holding his pillow this morning, and it was a poor substitute for the man she loved.
Eli had spent weeks outlining plans, making suggestions and contacting anyone he could about getting Boston Gen. on the annual survey to determine the nominations. Even the head of their hospital was finally on board with Eli’s plans. Though Amara wasn’t sure that Doug really thought of it as anything more than a useful staff retention tool.
Amara thought there were better ways to recruit talented medical professionals. Over the last three months, they’d lost fewer personnel. Eli had also told her the numbers had been trending down. So the hospital had already been doing the right things.
Still, she’d tried to help, but Eli had been distant.
No, that was unfair.
He’d been focused. Amara understood his need to prove what all the long-term employees of Boston General knew. But he’d pushed everything else aside in order to do it.
After they put Lizzy to bed, Eli spent at least a few hours going over statistics about other ERs, and how Boston Gen. was better. Or how he thought the hospital could improve.
When Amara had pointed out that her former hospital was in those rankings, and she didn’t think that it had added much to the patient care, Eli pulled out an entire folder marked Massachusetts Research. He’d pulled papers out and gone over three years’ worth of data. She didn’t think he’d even heard her when she’d told him good-night and finally gone to bed.
Alone—again.
Her lip trembled as she stepped from the small sub shop into the afternoon heat. Checking her phone one last time, she sighed at the lack of text messages and voice mails. Eli wasn’t coming.
He’d promised her balance, and for a while he’d delivered. Though for the last few weeks, while his body had been present, his mind had been elsewhere. Maybe she’d been kidding herself that they could have a future together. If someone you loved was so easy to forget...
“Amara!” Eli’s voice was ragged as he ran toward her. “I’m so sorry!”
Her heart clenched as she stared at him. Trying to lock her hurt away, she took a deep breath. Maybe there was a good reason this time.
Eli dropped a swift kiss to her lips. “I lost track of time. But I found it!” Eli gripped a folder. His grin was huge, but it looked too forced. It was a look he’d worn so often since they’d found out about the RateMyMD app.
Eli’s cheeks heated as his eyes cut to the box in her hand. “Any chance you ordered me a sandwich?”
Handing him the box, Amara asked, “What was so important that you missed lunch? Again.”
He pulled out the sandwich out and took a giant bite. “You are the best. What would I do without you?”
You’d get by.
The phrase struck Amara’s heart with a resounding crash. Without her, Eli would get by. He’d focus on Boston Gen. and Lizzy. Find a new project to tackle and be okay.
But what would she do without him?
Amara opened the folder and tried to make sense of the numbers and random pie charts on the pages. She raised an eyebrow. “What am I looking at, Eli?”
> “The criteria for the annual report. Or at least part of the criteria.” He took another bite of the sandwich as they walked toward the hospital.
“So, I got stood up for a bunch of graphs, charts and statistics?” Fury spun through her. He’d chosen a stack of paper over lunch with her.
“I mean, no. It’s just this is what we’ve been looking for.”
“What you’ve been looking for, you mean,” Amara bit out.
Eli nodded, flinching as he met her angry gaze. “Yes. What I have been looking for. But it helps everyone. Ensures Boston Gen. gets the credit it deserves.” He tapped the papers in the folder.
“Or the credit you deserve?” Amara sighed as she handed the folder back to him, suddenly too exhausted to be angry. “All this because one patient decided to take her mother to a different emergency room—for a second opinion. It was a fear-based reaction on her part, and your ratings on that app don’t mean a thing.”
Eli halted beside her, but Amara kept walking. They needed to get to work, and she didn’t want to hear any more about stats, rankings or apps. Not today, at least. Amara went through the ER’s front doors, Eli close on her heels.
“Amara, honey, I’m sorry. I should have called.”
“Yes. You should have.” Amara walked into the staff lounge, pulled open her locker, deposited her purse and then faced Eli. “I know you’re super focused on Boston General’s rankings right now. I know you think that it is some magic pill or something, but you’ve become obsessed. You have to focus on other things too.”
“There were two articles about our hospital in the news this week, Amara,” Eli told her. “My plan is working.”
“I know!” Amara slammed her locker shut and winced as the noise reverberated around the room. “I know how many articles there were. I know what our stats look like. I know what Massachusetts Research’s stats look like. I know the stats for six hospitals in California because I love you and have listened to you going on about it, am still listening to you. But you promised me balance. You told me you loved me.”
“I do love you,” Eli insisted.
She hated feeling like an afterthought. “This week, you have been late to every date, and even when you arrive, your focus isn’t on us. You stood me up today without even so much as a text message for a folder full of papers. I deserve to be remembered. To not take second place to an award.” Amara bit her tongue as Griffin walked in.
“I have to do the research, Amara. It’s important, so important.” Eli’s voice was tight as he gripped the folder.
“Research that is more important than your family? Than me?” Amara’s voice was hollow as she stared at Eli. “Do you even hear yourself?” He sounded so much like Marshall and her father that Amara’s heart tore.
She couldn’t stay here. If she didn’t leave, she was going to say something she’d regret, or start crying. Neither option would make her feel any better. “I need to get to the nurses’ station.” She didn’t look back.
* * *
Eli leaned his head back against the lockers as Amara’s words washed over him. He’d never meant to make her think that this project was more important to him than her. It wasn’t. But he’d done a poor job of showing that. Eli knew he was focused, knew he seemed borderline obsessed. He didn’t know how to explain the emotions rolling through him to Amara. This was a desire she couldn’t understand.
After all, she never doubted that she was a good nurse. If she’d received a one-star review, she’d write it off as a disgruntled patient and move on. Eli wanted to do that, but his brain spun around the numbers and the fear that they meant he’d failed his patients. When people made comments about Boston Gen., she ignored them, secure in her knowledge that those opinions didn’t matter.
But she was wrong; opinions mattered to most people. That was the argument his brain kept screaming, and rankings and awards elevated opinion. Which helped with staff recruitment, retention and fundraising. It wasn’t Boston Gen.’s primary focus, but fundraising helped provide the newest technology at a lower cost. That helped their patients. After doing a bit more research, he was certain that Boston General could be considered for the list this year.
That he could be...
Amara was right, too; he hadn’t been present enough lately. He’d let his need to prove that this hospital was great, to show it off to the community overtake him. Amara deserved better. He loved her, and Eli never wanted her to doubt that. He was going to make this up to her.
Amara was at the nurses’ station, going over paperwork when Eli exited the staff lounge. Her eyes were hooded with exhaustion. Was she having a difficult time sleeping too? They were going to bed at different times lately. Or more accurately, he was falling asleep on the couch.
“I’m sorry I stood you up, and I am sorry that everything has been so crazy. I almost have everything under control.” Eli placed a cup of herbal tea on the counter and offered her a small smile.
“Do you?” Amara blew a piece of hair away from her eyes as she stared at him. “Do you even know what you want, Eli?”
Fear slipped down his spine as she refused to acknowledge the tea. Had he done more damage than he realized? “To be recognized.” Eli shook his head “For Boston Gen. to be recognized,” he corrected.
“And if it’s not?” Amara pressed. “What if you can’t figure out how to get the hospital on the rankings list? What if they reject you for a survey?”
“Then, we keep trying,” Eli stated. His stomach sank as Amara looked away.
“Amara?”
She leaned forward, her eyes clear as she met his gaze. “Eli, if you want to work at a nationally ranked institution, then maybe you should take a job at Massachusetts Research or one of the others on the list. Your résumé is impressive. I am sure any of them would be thrilled to employ you. If recognition will make you happy, will make you realize...” Her voice caught, and she swallowed hard.
Her words felt like a knife twisting through his side. This wasn’t about working at a nationally ranked institution. It was about their hospital getting the recognition it already deserved. How could she not see that? He wasn’t doing this for himself—well, not only for himself anyway.
“Amara, I don’t want to work anywhere else. They’ve been calling and sending me letters for years and I’ve always said no.” Eli looked over her shoulder at the emergency room.
This was where he was meant to be. He’d known that the first day he’d walked through the door. Boston Gen. did good work. Important work. And the doctors and nurses here deserved that recognition.
They’d earned it.
Eli was tired of explaining why he never took the positions that were offered from other hospitals. Tired of defending his ER. Tired of people disregarding it.
Amara took a folder from one of the techs and stood up. “Hospital accolades are not going to make you feel whole. And they won’t matter to Marshall.”
“It’s not about that,” Eli bit out.
“Are you sure?” Amara raised an eyebrow.
Eli wanted to say yes, but his tongue refused to produce the word.
Why was she bringing his father into this?
“Let me make today up to you. How about we go out tomorrow? A real date? I’ll pick you up, and we’ll go anywhere you want.” Eli frowned as Amara looked at the papers in her hand instead of at him.
Her eyes were shiny when they finally met his. “I don’t know, Eli.” She crossed her arms. “I want you to succeed, I really do, but your family can’t trail after you on the path of life.”
The hurt hovering in her eyes made Eli flinch.
He’d done that—again.
Eli’s chest ripped open. He couldn’t lose her; he couldn’t. “I love you. I do. I know things have been hectic, and I have been more than a little distracted. I promise you it won’t keep happening. You and Lizzy are
the most important things to me. I swear. Where do you want to go—name the place and time, and I am there. No distractions!”
Amara’s teeth dug into her lip, but she nodded. “I want to go dancing. And I am going to hold you to your promise of no statistic discussions.”
“Dancing?” Eli asked.
“Dancing,” Amara repeated. “The two of us together, close to each other, swaying to the music.” A tiny smile touched her lips as she looked at him.
Eli’s heart started beating again. She wasn’t walking away. He hadn’t lost her. He just needed to refocus. “I’ll make sure that my shoes are shined.”
* * *
Big news! Can we reschedule dancing? I’ll call soon.
Amara read the text and looked down at the black dress that she’d picked for this evening. The V-neck cut was lower than anything she’d worn since her double mastectomy. But she’d gone back to her apartment tonight, pulled it out of the closet and slipped it on, excited to see Eli’s reaction. If they’d gone dancing, it would have spun beautifully.
How many times had she’d seen her mother waiting on her father? Listened to the voice mail apologies that they’d need to reschedule something while he chased his dreams. Her mother always believed he’d come, but with each new round of success, his family slipped further away.
It’d started with missed dinners and dates and ended in a lifetime of loneliness. Amara couldn’t do that—wouldn’t. Her breath was ragged as she grabbed her keys, but she forced her feet to keep moving.
If she didn’t end this now, she was worried that she’d never work up her courage again. She couldn’t be an afterthought to her partner for the rest of their lives. It was better to be alone than plan events the person you loved didn’t attend.
Her heart bled as she walked to her car. The tears started, but Amara didn’t bother to push them away. After all, her makeup didn’t need to be perfect for a night out anymore.
* * *
Eli raised a glass with Mr. Jonah Richards. The researcher responsible for sending out surveys was in his home. The surveys determined who made the US News & Reports rankings. Victory was so close.
Falling Again for the Single Dad Page 16
