“How are you doing?”
“Good.”
“How’s school going?”
“Fine.”
Throw in a few noncommittal shrugs and avoiding eye-contact and that sums up the current state of this dinner. It’s awkward as hell. Does he think he will win me back? Is that his plan?
What I want to tell him when he asks how I’m doing is, I’m great. I’ve never been happier. I’m sickeningly in love, my life is perfect, and I’m regularly having phenomenal sex. But I didn’t think he’d want to hear any of that.
I’m sitting across from Dan, ignoring him and texting my current man. Praise the Lord Aiden is responding to my texts faster than usual. I’m being rude, but I can’t bring myself to care. Dan treated me like shit for the entirety of our relationship—he deserves a taste of his own medicine.
Sorry you have to deal with this. Wish you were here instead.
I’m smiling down at my phone as I read Aiden’s text. It’s a knee-jerk reaction whenever I get a message from him.
“Is that him?” I almost forgot Dan knows about Aiden. He was the reason we broke up, and the question makes me uncomfortable. My cheeks heat under his scrutinizing stare. What’s ironic is he doesn’t even seem mad.
“Yeah.” I pick at my nails, never meeting his eyes.
“You’re still with him then.” It’s not a question, but an acknowledgment of fact.
“Yep.” What I want to say is, obviously, but I refrain. Dan doesn’t respond right away so I grow the balls to face him. He’s staring out the restaurant’s window deep in thought. His jaw ticks and his teeth grind together.
“When he hurts you, I won’t be here anymore.”
My jaw goes slack, but I lift my head and look him dead in the eyes. “I didn’t ask you to be.”
When the check arrives, I offer to pay my share, but Dan declines. Somehow the ride back to campus is more awkward than the initial ride to dinner. I didn’t think that was possible.
I left so much crap at Dan’s house over the course of our relationship he has to help me carry the boxes up to my dorm. I was hoping for a quick and easy escape, but it seems improbable.
As Dan takes in the messy room, Sasha walks in with her boyfriend. She looks back and forth between Dan and I and panic covers her face.
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. Do you want me to leave?” She’s acting as if she caught us in the act. Quite the contrary. I mean, the door to the room was open. I may be a freak in the sheets but I’m not that bad.
“No! Please, stay.” I’m begging her with my eyes and I’m sure she senses my desperation. She chuckles and sits on her bed with her boyfriend. Thank God.
“I guess I’ll head out.” Dan gets the hint and heads toward the door.
I walk him out of the dorm out of politeness, but I’m ready to say goodbye to him for good. We don’t hug and he doesn’t make any grand statements, he just leaves. I’m happy to be free of him.
I walk back to my dorm and before I’m even over the threshold Sasha starts the inquisition. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t, like, interrupt anything, did I?”
I cringe. “God, no. That was my ex. I was trying to get him to leave, and he wasn’t getting the hint, so I should thank you.” I roll my eyes, offering her a half-chuckle.
“That explains your face, then.” She’s laughing at me now and I can’t blame her. I’m sure my expression was full of irritation and disgust.
I grab my phone and laptop and climb onto my bunk, texting Aiden to tell him it’s over, he’s gone, and I still wish he were the one with me now.
He’s working, and the store has been busy, which I’m sure is why he’s not responding now.
That’s what I’m telling myself, anyway.
∞ ∞ ∞
Part of becoming an assistant manager at work involves working a shift at another regional store. I don’t understand why they have to do this, but it’s the rules and afterwards managers get their own set of store keys.
My new store in Queen Silvercliff Mall is the largest regional store, meaning Aiden has to come work here to get his keys. I’m upset I don’t work tonight with him, but I plan to invite him over. Then I can be a real college student and put a scrunchie on my door to warn my roommates I’m busy having hot, hot sex and to steer clear.
Come over after your shift at QSC. I can show you my dorm.
I throw in the winking emoji so he knows when I say I’ll show him my dorm I plan to have sex in my bunk bed. That’s something I never expected to be on my sex bucket list, but it is now.
I can’t I have to head home for work tomorrow am at Blackshire
Well, that’s annoying, but I get it.
Okay so come over before your shift tonight instead.
I can miss one class for him if I have to. I wouldn’t mind because it would be well worth it.
I can’t I have to go right from class to QSC.
I groan as frustration courses through me. Our schedules never match up anymore and everything seems hopeless. Is it so bad to want five minutes of alone time with him? Am I out of line for wanting to show him around campus and my dorm?
Why can’t he take a couple minutes to see me? The mall is less than five minutes from campus and he can’t carve out any time at all for me?
I’m hurt by the thought. I know he’s busy and I shouldn’t be mad at him. He did nothing wrong. I’m just mad at the world.
18
Come Back… Be Here
I don’t know if I can do this anymore..
I read the text repeatedly, unable to comprehend the simple words that appear on the screen before me. I recognize each word individually, but placed in that sentence and arranged in that order from Aiden, my brain isn’t understanding.
My brain doesn’t want to understand.
He can’t be serious. Why? Why now? What’s happened? I’ve been gone for one freaking month and he’s giving up? Is this because I went to dinner with Dan? That was for closure! It was to get my stuff back! This can’t be happening.
My heart is racing. My palms are so sweaty I have to grip my phone tighter to prevent it from slipping out of my slick grasp. This can’t be happening. My eyes are burning as the disbelief forms unwanted tears. My breaths are coming in fast and shallow. I can’t catch my breath. Not enough oxygen is entering my lungs.
Is this what a panic attack is like?
This can’t be happening.
How do I even respond to him? Do I sink to the pathetic levels of begging him not to do this? Do I ask him why? What did I do? Please, dear God, don’t tell me he met someone else. I can’t handle that.
What did I do? Is this because of Dan? That’s over now!
I toss my phone to the opposite end of my bunk as anxiety fills my every pore. I don’t want to know when his next message comes through. Instant regret fills the pit of my stomach the moment I hit send. It makes me small and I sound whiny and pathetic, young. He doesn’t need me to beg him to stay. If he didn’t want to end things, he wouldn’t. So why is he?
Things should be so much easier now. I’m working at a different store. We could come out as a couple since we don’t have to hide this from anyone now. We should revel in this moment and making thing official on Facebook and fucking like euphoric, celebratory bunnies. He shouldn’t be cutting me out of his life.
My phone vibrates against the wood post of my bunk. My attempt at ignoring his response was futile.
Why is it when things are good between us, he takes ages to respond? Yet now, when he’s shattering my heart into a million sharp shards, he responds almost immediately? Doesn’t he understand what he’s doing to me? Doesn’t he know how I feel?
The cavalier way he ends things over a fucking text message speaks volumes. He’s a pansy ass who’s scared to face me. And yet I still want to beg him to stay. I’m still skimming through my Rolodex of excuses in my brain, trying to find anything to convince him to stay.
I won’t stoop to his immature level though I
now understand why some women go full-blown crazy and fake pregnancies to trap a man. I feel that level of insane desperation in this moment, but I won’t fall privy to the temptation.
Although… I still haven’t gotten my period. So it might not be a complete and utter lie, anyway.
No, I can’t think like that. I won’t fall down that rabbit hole. That won’t make him stay, but it would prove I’m nuts and he’ll run faster than Usain Bolt out the door.
My heart has gone back into overdrive as I reach once more for my phone. Is this what a heart attack is like? The rapid thumping is painful against my ribcage. I fear it will soon stop altogether from strain and exhaustion.
Bile rises in my throat as I unlock my phone. I squeeze my eyes shut. I can’t bring myself to open them and face the reality.
Thank God my roommates aren’t here or they’d think I was crazy. They’d think I was ready to spew my lunch all over my bed and the floor. They might be right. Time will tell.
It’s not you—
I drop my phone once more. So help me, God, if he’s playing the it’s not you, it’s me card. I’ll drive to his house and rip his nuts off. Even though our entire boss-and-employee fraternization was cliché, I deserve more than a cliché ending.
—I’m just crazy busy right now.
Not the cliché ending I was expecting but trite, nonetheless. The first tear falls and it’s like the dam has broken. I can’t control the torrent of tears that follows.
I’m in love with him and he can’t even give me a real explanation of why he’s ending this—us. Doesn’t he realize he’s tearing me apart with every word? Doesn’t he care? Does he not understand that I’m busy too and yet I’m willing to brace the craziness to be with him? That I’d do anything to be with him?
Don’t do this.
I allow myself one final, pathetic text because I refused call him crying. I won’t scream at him or beg him on my hands and knees. But if I don’t ask him to stay, I’ll regret it. I need him to know where I stand.
I just didn’t expect it to hurt so much when he didn’t respond.
∞ ∞ ∞
Aiden ended things on Friday and it’s now Monday. Three whole days where I hadn’t heard from him once. I can’t even think about what he was doing this weekend and who he was doing it with. It hurts too much.
It’s the last week in September and my birthday is in two weeks’ time. I’m not going home until that weekend and then I’ll have a party with friends and dinner with my parents on Sunday, my actual birthday.
He knew my birthday was coming up too.
“When’s your birthday?”
“October 9th.”
“Oh, that’s easy to remember. My little sister’s birthday is October 1st.”
What an asshole. Was that the final push for him to end things? Does he think I expect some big declaration or gifts or something for my birthday? Because I don’t care about any of that stuff. I don’t need anything—I only want him.
I want to say I’m handling things well but that would be a blatant lie. I’m part-time Cyber stalker and part-time hot mess. When I’m not refreshing every possible social media outlet or checking if he’s on Skype I’m curled up in the fetal position crying.
My roommate, Becky, has avoided me like the plague. The small group of acquaintances I’ve gained are noticing my bitchy attitude and are thus steering clear of me. I can’t say I blame them, but it kind of sucks to feel like a pariah with leprosy all the damn time.
Callie has arguable been the most supportive. When I told her what happened she said, “Fuck him.” I told her I wish I could. She didn’t take that too well.
“Hey girl.” Sasha struts in with her boyfriend, Josh, in tow. She keeps trying to take me under her wing, but I want nothing to do with it.
She and her boyfriend, Josh, have been super nice and supportive, but it seems like there’s an ulterior motive. They keep forcing Josh’s roommate, Devin, on me. I think he has a crush on me but he’s super obnoxious. He’s so deep in the friend-zone; it will never happen.
“Wanna go out with us tonight? Josh’s dorm is throwing a huge party.” I’d rather set myself on fire than go to their party.
“No, thanks. I have to work and study.” I should force myself to socialize even if I don’t like the people I’m spending time with. To be frank, I don’t like any of the people here and I hate the school. I miss working at my old mall. I’m not adjusting well, and I don’t know how to fix it.
“Devin will be there. Maybe you two could—”
“Sasha, I don’t want to be a bitch but it will never happen with Devin. I wouldn’t want to use and hurt him. There’s this guy…anyway, it’s him. It’s always been him and it always will be.”
My roommate opens her mouth to say something but her boyfriend cuts her off. “I appreciate the honesty. He’s a good guy. I would hate to see you hurt him.”
I nod in thanks or you’re welcome, I’m not sure. Either way I’m glad I could nip that in the bud before anything else happened.
Two more days pass in radio silence. I work tonight and I’ve become good friends with my manager, Sadie. Another instance where I’m befriending a manager and I shouldn’t be, but at least I’m not fucking her.
She’s tall, with short dark hair and several tattoos. She’s cool as hell and we have the same sense of humor. We’ve deemed ourselves the dream team and she schedules me to work with her often.
Through the grapevine Sadie has heard all about Aiden. Not only do store managers talk to one another, but she’s gotten an earful from me. She already hates him from what I’ve told her, so I have free range to bitch and moan about him.
During my shift I see my old store calling. It’s likely Seth calling for Sadie, so I answer it. “Hey! It’s Chelsea, do ya miss me yet?” I’m comfortable enough to joke around with Seth and I’m sure he’s glad to be rid of me. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I suck at sales.
A throat clears on the other end of the phone. “Yeah, I do.”
My heart stops and the phone slips in my grip. His voice sounds like home and the emotion radiating through the phone is my undoing. I pinch my eyes closed and take a deep breath. It’s him. I haven’t heard his voice in what seems like years and we haven’t spoken at all in days. It doesn’t seem real.
I pinch myself to ensure I’m not dreaming. He misses me.
“Chels?” I jump at the proximity of Sadie’s voice. Her face is scrunched in concern and confusion.
I cover the receiver with my hand and mouth, It’s Aiden. Her mouth forms an ‘o’ and she backs away. I shake my head, begging her to stay. I can’t talk to him. I can’t even control my own emotions right now.
I whisper into the phone, “I miss you too.” My voice shakes and I’m not even one hundred percent sure he could hear me. I stick out my arm that’s holding the phone and hand it over to Sadie. I run into the stockroom and lose it.
The tears flow in a gentle stream down my cheeks. Still, I’m sure my eyes will be red and puffy now. I can’t even go into the bathroom for a paper towel because managers hold the keys and Sadie is still on the phone.
Laughter rings through the stockroom door, and it sends a dagger straight into my already severed heart. I want to be the one laughing with him. I wish I was the one hearing his laughter. He’s always lighthearted, tilting his head back like a child and allowing the laugh to engulf him. It’s a gruff sound, scratchy and sexy. Melting over me like hot fudge and burning into my memories, it might be favorite sound of all time.
Moments later, Sadie sticks her head through the door and spots me sitting on the ground. Her face falls into pity and I have to glance away. I’m pathetic.
“You okay?” Sadie’s not one for heavy emotions, which is one reason why we get along so well. I’m not either, though I’m sure that’s hard to imagine with all my sappy talk around Aiden. Again, pathetic.
I nod because I’m sure if I open my mouth to talk my voice will
break and the tears will resume. “Take a break then come back out.” She offers me a small smile before she retreats.
I get my purse and grab my phone out of the side pocket to see I have a text from Aiden. As I lick my dry lips, I force myself to swallow over the newfound lump in my throat. Even as anxiety spreads like wildfire through my veins, I can’t help the small, excited smile fighting its way onto my face.
I meant what I said. I miss you.
It’s not embarrassing to do a happy dance at work unless you get caught. I won’t get my panties in a wad over one text. Words only mean so much and his actions of late have spoken at a much higher volume. What’s changed?
I ignore it for now. I’ll let him sweat a little to show him what he’s missing.
19
Red
I pretend for one hot minute I have the gall to ignore a text from Aiden. The mere thought of him reaching out to me had my fingers aching and twitching to respond. But it’s the never-ending question: what do I say?
Telling him I love him may come on a little too strong. I err on the cheeky side instead.
What’re you gonna do about it?
I do have to get back to work now which is a nice distraction from my former friend slash fuck-buddy slash boss slash love-of-my-life—whatever he is.
“You good?” Sadie asks the second I step onto the sales floor and I give her a curt nod. I won’t get into the details with her now. Besides, there’s nothing to tell and, since I’m not superstitious, but a little stitious, as Michael Scott says, I don’t want to jinx the potential reconciliation.
From then on, my mood improves tenfold and work flies by. I get back to my dorm and bump into Sasha and Josh again.
“Hey, I’m heading over to Josh’s to watch a movie. Wanna join us?” I appreciate the effort, but I would also appreciate if she stopped inviting me places.
“No thanks. I’m beat and just want to go to bed.” I grab my laptop from my desk and put it on my bed, waiting for them to leave so I can change in peace and turn on Netflix.
“It’s just… you’re been moping around here for a while now and I want to help. It doesn’t have to be anything more than four people being friends.” She smiles and seems sincere, but her intentions still stink. I won’t risk it.
My Almost Page 14
