by Amelia Gates
“Does that mean you have a plan now?” he asked.
“No. Not yet. But you’re back, really back, and now there’s potential to make a new plan. I couldn’t bring myself to make one for myself until I had some kind of closure.” I looked up at him and smiled. It was shaky, but it was still a smile. “Or renewal.”
He beamed and held me close to him. His arms around me felt like old times and I leaned into him, breathing in the scent of something I’d thought I lost forever. “Why wait? Let’s make a plan now. You’re working, right? I’m working, but it just pays for my room. I can get another job or two.” He stopped short and I nearly tripped over a log.
“What is it?” I asked.
His eyes lit up and his shoulders tensed the way they did when he was excited. “It might not even take that long. Nobody knew where our stash was—if it’s still there—”
“No.” I knew where he was going with this. “Not a chance. If you go poking around in the woods right now, people are going to talk. You’ll look twice as guilty as you do already. And it’s not really safe to try to put a plan together right now even with that first idea. If I start picking up more hours and you’re suddenly filling all the open positions in town, my dad is going to notice.”
“So what? Let him notice. Does he have something against you working hard?”
“No, but he has a whole lot against you. He’ll put the pieces together, Kash, I know he will. And the second he suspects that you and I are together again all hell will break loose.” My stomach turned anxiously and I pressed the heel of my hand against it.
Kash took hold of my shoulders and kissed my forehead. “You’re a grown woman, Daisy. Are you really going to let your dad tell you who you can and can’t see?”
I shook my head, pleading with him with my eyes. “You don’t know how bad he’s gotten, Kash. As overprotective as he used to be, he’s way worse now. He’s so scared that I’m going to end up like Hunter…or like you. He’s drunk more and angry more and if he gets a hint of this…” I let the thought die on my tongue, not wanting to speak that into existence.
“So…what does that mean for us?” Apprehension lined his eyes, but they burned with a determined passion.
“It means…we wait. Just long enough for the panic to die down or for the cops to figure out who really did it.”
Kash groaned. “It’s a cold case, Daisy. It could take forever for them to solve it, if they solve it at all. What if they don’t? What if I’m all anybody wants to talk about for the next year? Two years? Ten? Are you really going to keep your life on hold forever just because your dad has control issues?”
“It’s not control issues,” I insisted. “He’s just really protective. I’m not saying we can’t be together or start planning a future, I’m just saying that we need to be careful. Maybe—maybe we don’t do it right now. Maybe we just wait a while, that’s all.”
“I’ve been waiting six years,” he said stiffly. “How much longer do you figure we have to wait?”
“I don’t know! I don’t have a plan for this. I didn’t think I was going to need one.” I grabbed his hand and held it close to my chest, searching his eyes. “I want to make this work. I want to see a future again, I do. But we just have to be a little tiny bit careful. Please.”
His expression softened and he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “A tiny bit careful, huh? So, what you’re saying is, I should strap bells to my boots before I come crawling through your window?”
I slapped at him playfully. “I’m serious, Kash. He’s gotten mean. I swear when he found out Hunter was selling drugs I thought he was going to bring him back to life just so he could kill him himself.”
Kash chuckled. “I dunno, sounds like a lot of work for a man who won’t even buy his own beer.”
“Right? What is that about? Like come on, dad, my reputation can only take so much of this.”
We walked in silence for a few minutes, his arm around my shoulders, just listening to the sounds of the forest.
“Actually, that’s not quite true,” I said after a while.
“What isn’t?”
“About my reputation. I don’t think there’s anything anyone could say that would trash it any worse. I’m already the crazy drunken librarian who’s down to fight over a drug dealing murderer. It doesn’t get much lower than that.”
“Sure it does,” he said cheerfully. “At least they aren’t calling you ‘Old Lady Raff.’”
I laughed and shuddered. “Fair enough. Poor guy.”
“What happened to him?” Kash asked.
I shook my head and sighed. “I don’t know. I think he disappeared around the same time you did, but I’m not sure. Like I said, my dad had me on lockdown for a long, long time. By the time I was allowed to rejoin the land of the living, Raff was gone.”
“Damn,” Kash said pensively. “Hope it wasn’t withdrawal. That’s a shit way to go.”
“Do you regret it?” I asked.
“What?”
“Selling. Lots of people in this town spent a lot of time really messed up. Do you ever wish you hadn’t started?”
Kash frowned down at the ground ahead of us. He was silent for a while, then he shook his head. “If it wasn’t us it would have been somebody else. We had our hands full defending our territory, trust me. And at least we had rules, you know? Hunter did, anyway. I guess I would have too, eventually, but I would have had to earn them the hard way. Hunter just knew what to avoid. He had a sense about these kinds of things.”
I sighed. “I asked him the same thing once. He told me it was just a way to pass the time, but I knew he was full of it. I still don’t really know why. I hate to think that it was all about the money.”
Kash gave me a strange look and I returned it. He coughed a little laugh and looked away, then gave me a disbelieving little grin. “You really don’t know?”
I shook my head. “You do?”
“Of course I do.”
“Tell me?”
He shook his head. “Not yet. Not until we figure this out.”
“Oh, come on, you’re bribing me with a mystery? That’s not fair!”
“Of course it isn’t fair. It’s strategy. Using your greatest weakness against you to get you motivated.”
I almost got mad, but I couldn’t. He looked so adorably proud of himself.
“Okay, you win. We’ll figure something out. But not tonight. All I want to think about tonight is crawling into my bed.”
“What a coincidence! All I want to think about is crawling into your bed, too.”
“Oh, shut up.” I said it with gusto, but I could feel myself blushing and I was glad that the moon had gone behind a cloud again. Because, honestly, how did we get here again? Just a fraction of a second ago, it felt like I was doing the smart thing and protecting my heart. And now, well, now it feels like I’m doing the smarter thing and letting him in again. After all, it’s not like Kash left me because he wanted to. It’s also not like he forgot about me or what we were – what we still are – to each other.
Chapter 9
The lights were off when I got home, but I still made Kash stop at the tree line. Even though I was sure Dad was passed out by now, I didn’t want to take any chances. I knew my dad loved me, but sometimes that love felt more frightening than anyone else’s hatred.
I looked over my shoulder at Kash until his frame melted into the shadows, then kept looking as I walked up to the door. I might not be able to see him, but he would see me—I wanted him to know that he was still on my mind. Always on my mind.
I fumbled with the knob a little more than I should have, my head and heart all dizzy with joy and relief, a giddiness only barely restrained by the knowledge that I still didn’t have all the pieces to this puzzle. In that moment, I didn’t care. For the first time in forever, I was riding high on loving feelings, and I’d be damned if I wasn’t going to enjoy every minute of it.
As soon as I stepped through the door,
a light came on in my face and Dad lurched at me.
“Look who decided to stumble in!”
Startled, I screamed.
“Shut up! Where the hell were you?” He squinted at me with one eye, his other eye stuck together with sleep boogers. He jutted out his chin, emphasizing his underbite as he glared at me. I could smell the alcohol seeping from his pores, soaking his shirt and waistband with the pungent, depressing odor. I turned my back to him as I took off my shoes to give myself time to stifle the smile which seemed to be permanently affixed to my face.
“I went for a walk,” I said lightly.
“Don’t talk back to me! Where did you go? Who did you go with?”
I paused, irritated, and gave him a questioning look.
“Well?” he demanded.
“Oh, I’m sorry, did you want an answer? Because I was under the impression that you didn’t want me talking back to you.”
He tensed like he wanted to hit me, and I crossed my arms, silently daring him to do it. I was sick of his shit and he knew it. He squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his fists on either side of his head, sucking a breath in through big, flared nostrils covered in broken capillaries, then blew it out.
“I want answers,” he said flatly.
“Okay. The house was a little stuffy and more than a little too loud for my liking, so I went for a walk to the cemetery.”
His eyes flew open and the sticky one twitched. He tensed up again. “What the hell were you doing there at this time of night?! You got some creepy boyfriend who gets off on dead people?”
“God, dad, gross. No, I don’t have some creepy boyfriend who gets off on dead people. Where do you even come up with this kinda stuff?” I shuddered, shaking off the imagery before it could take on a life of its own. The last thing I needed was to get caught fantasizing about Kash while Dad was lecturing.
I sighed. “I went to see Hunter, okay? I talk to him sometimes when I’m feeling lonely or conf -”
Dad’s fist connected with the wall so hard that it sank into the drywall up to his wrist. I snapped my mouth shut and froze, my gaze fixed on the hole. He pulled his hand out slowly, letting bits of bloodied sheetrock trickle off his knuckles.
“That’s sick,” he said sourly. “Your brother is dead. You talk to him, you’re talking to yourself. Just like you were doing when you were writing to that idiot Kash.”
Indignation broke through my fear and flashed over my face before I could stop it.
“What? What’s the matter? You gonna defend that punk? He’s the reason you’re making yourself crazy in the middle of the goddamn night! God, I swear it’s all the same with you females, get a little good dick and you’re useless. Absolutely fucking useless!”
“That’s not—”
“Not what, Daisy, huh? That’s not what you were out there doing? You really expect me to believe that it’s a coincidence you disappeared in the middle of the night the same damn week that punk got back in town? Do you think I’m a fucking moron?”
I shook, staring at him. My brain had gone full stupid and I couldn’t think of a single thing to say. Hot, angry tears spilled down my face, but I still couldn’t move or make a sound. God I was tired of crying.
My father bowed his head and covered his face with his hand, shaking his head. “Don’t, don’t do that, Daisy. Stop it. You know I can’t stand to see you cry.”
I wiped my face, but the tears still came. My breath came in shuddering sobs now, no matter how I fought to control it.
“Damn it,” he whimpered. “Daisy, please.”
“I’m trying,” I said through clenched teeth and I really was. The only thing worse than succumbing to my emotions was succumbing to them in front of my father. I didn’t need or want his understanding or his pity.
He sat down hard, his shoulders slumped defeatedly. He gestured limply then passed a hand over his head. “Look. I’m sorry I shouted, okay? It’s just, you make me worry about you, Daisy. After what happened with your brother—and you’re still not over it—and with Kash back in town, and staying out late when I know you gotta work tomorrow—what’s happened to my little girl?” His voice broke and he wiped his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed. “I know you’re just worried. I know that. But you have to understand, Daddy. Please. I’m a grown up now, and even if I wasn’t—this is a small town. It’s safe. I know everybody here, and none of them have any reason to hurt me. I just wanted to go for a walk.”
He clenched his fists and ground his teeth, shaking his head. “You know what your problem is? You’re too trusting. Always have been. You think you’re safe because you’re pretty, but you’re not. Pretty is a liability. You’re gonna go out there and one person is gonna make you feel good and the next thing you know you’re gonna be dead in a field with your legs out to—”
“Daddy!”
“Well? I’m just saying, small town or not, there’s bad people in the world. You can’t keep wandering around at night all by yourself. It’s not safe. From now on, I want you in your bedroom by eight. Every night.”
“You’re putting a curfew on me? Are you serious? I’m twenty-four years old!”
“You’re my daughter! You live in my house, you play by my rules. Eight o’clock, every night, you’re in that bedroom. Do you hear me?”
I crossed my arms again, feeling like the petulant teenager he was pretending I was. Deep down, I wanted to handle this like an adult, but I didn’t know how. Anything I said would only prove to him that I was the child he thought I was. The only option I could see was to move out, but I knew I couldn’t get far enough away to be out of his grasp. Not on my own. He knew everybody. I’d be watched like a hawk every second of the day and as soon as I stepped out of line he’d be there to drag me right back in place.
A noise in the hallway caught my attention. There stood my mother, my second reason to stay. She was so gentle, so fragile, so beaten down by life and Dad and everything else. I couldn’t just leave her here with him. Hunter wouldn’t have done that and Hunter wouldn’t have wanted me to do it either. I shook my head, feeling the weight of the world move from side to side with it.
“Fine,” I said flatly. “You win.”
“Damn straight I do,” my father said, jerking his chin up. “Get me a beer.”
Chapter 10
For the first time in almost a decade, I woke up with music in my head. It spilled out of my mouth as I got ready to work, then sang a few bars as I pulled up the video tutorial I was going to be following for the day.
“Gonna replace those wires, yeah—make sure this place don’t catch fire, yeah, yeah, yeah—gonna save the man some cash while he’s sitting on his ass, yeah ye—oh… hi, Leroy.”
Leroy took one shaky step closer and peered at me over the brim of his glasses. “Sittin’ on my ass, huh? You got somethin’ to say to me, boy?”
I grinned at him. “Just rhymin’ with cash, boss.”
“Yeah, yeah, okay. What’s got you steppin’ so pretty today? You get’churself some rhymes-with-cash?” He laughed at his joke until he choked on it, then cleared his throat and sipped his tea.
“Nah, just feelin’ good about today is all.” I raised a brow at him, watching as he scrunched up his face with each sip he took from his cup. “When did you start drinking tea?”
“Doctor says I had to,” Leroy said. “Said my heart ain’t right, gotta lay off the caffeine.”
I leaned on the counter and looked at him from under my brow. “Caffeine? I don’t think it’s your coffee addiction screwing with your heart, man.”
He sucked his teeth at me and grinned. “Man, you rehabber’s blame rock for everything. Get goin’, ain’t you got work to do?”
“Just sayin’, man, maybe it’s time to lay off. Switch to green, it’ll be legal soon anyway.”
He snorted. “That’s what they say, anyway. But how they gonna make somethin’ legal and then not let the people go? It ain’t right. I swear to you, boy, if they ope
n up one o’ them fancy dispensaries around these parts, they can forget about it. They won’t be getting my money, no sir, not till they let J.R. Smalls out of prison and scrub his record.”
“Man, J.R. was pushing heroine and you know it.”
Leroy sniffed and raised his brows in a mockery of righteous indignation. “It’s the principle of the thing.”
I laughed. “You say that like you got principles!”
“Hey now, everybody got principles. Some of ‘em aren’t real good, but everybody got ‘em. Take me, for example. I object to this fire marshal, city hall game on principle. Principle bein’, I ain’t about to pay for a game I’m not playing.”
“Point taken,” I said with a grin. “I’ll get back to work now.”
“Yeah, you will.” Leroy leaned back in his chair and chuckled. “Rhymes with cash.”
I left him there to grin and went to work on the old building, whistling as I went with my head full of Daisy. Her scent had almost faded from my memory while I was locked up, but now, after last night, it was all over my sweater. I was pretty sure I would never wash it again—not unless I could guarantee that it would smell like her again right after.
That train of thought sucked me into a daydream. Me and her, living together. Doing laundry in our underwear. Passing out in front of the TV together, in our underwear. Driving donuts in a field in the middle of the night, in our underwear. Okay, so maybe there was a lot of sexual frustration tied up in my imaginings, but mostly I was just happy to be close to her again. I never wanted to be away from her for that long again. Never imagined I’d ever have to be away from her for that long. Now that I knew what it was like, I was determined to never have to go through it again.
Which is why, when my work was finished for the day, I decided I’d get myself something to eat at Country Corner. It was just after five, so the library would be closed. She should be on her way home, unless she was stopping to pick up her old man’s beer. Either way, she’d pass by there.
