by Ann Lister
“If you want to talk, Syd, I'm happy to listen,” he said calmly.
She pressed her forehead against her knees. “Seven years ago I was a naive twenty-three year old. I had a couple of tours under my belt, but I had absolutely no street-smarts. I had seen very little of the ugly side of this business. At that point, it was still glamorous to me. I was offered a job touring with this…band - a very famous band. It was the career opportunity of a lifetime and I jumped at it."
Sydney lifted her head and gazed at him resting on the bed. He was listening to her with great interest, hanging on her every word. His eyes full of concern. Without trying, he was calming her; willing her to continue her story with the intensity of his eyes.
“Within the first couple of weeks the lead singer began flirting with me, making it obvious he was…interested,” Sydney said. “Being young and stupid and completely star-struck, I took this attention to heart and believed he actually liked me.”
Sydney shifted in her chair and wiped at her face again. “One day he asked me onto his tour bus. At first he was nice, but when I said ‘no’ to joining him in his bed, he turned into a different person. I tried to leave but he wouldn't let me. He forced me to stay on his bus for three hours and…raped me. By the time he allowed me leave, I could barely walk.”
Ben rolled onto his stomach and cursed into the mattress. Then he forced himself upright and moved to the chair beside her at the table. She was sobbing now, almost cowering in her seat. He reached across the table and took her hand, but she wouldn't look at him.
“Sydney…I'm so sorry that happened to you,” his voice was full of sincerity. “No man has the right to…I hope you pressed charges against that piece of scum.”
She shook her head quickly. “What would be the point? It would have been his word against mine and I wasn't about to let the court system rape me a second time.”
“What did you do?” Ben asked.
“I quit the tour, flew back to New York, and basically disappeared for a while. About six months later, I realized I missed the work, just not the people I worked for. I knew if I was going to continue doing the job, I needed to make some changes with myself. So, I started taking self-defense classes and got smart. No man will ever touch me again, unless I want him to.”
“Have you seen this asshole since?” Ben asked.
“I've been very careful not to take jobs I think could put us in the same room. With any luck, I'll die without having to see his face again.”
Ben squeezed her hand. “It kills me that you suffered like that, Syd.”
For the first time, she turned to meet his gaze. The pain in her eyes was immense. “We all find ways to survive the traumas in our life and I found mine,” she said.
“I'm an ass for questioning the way you dress and act, but I had no idea…”, he said, his voice fading.
“You had no way of knowing,” she said.
“Somehow I feel like I should have known. Your behavior makes perfect sense to me now. Your aversion to being on my tour bus, the way you shy away from any kind of personal contact - all of it. I'm an idiot, Syd, and I'm sorry I kept pushing.”
Ben hung his head and was silent for a long time, clinging to her hand, rubbing the back of it with his thumb.
“I know this piece of shit, don't I?” he asked.
She looked away. "Most likely, yes, but please don't ask me to tell you his name.”
Ben nodded. “I understand.”
Sydney shifted in her chair and took her hand away from his. “In seven years, you're only the second person I've told, Ben, so I would appreciate you respecting my privacy and keeping this to yourself.”
“I would never repeat something you said to me in private, Syd. And, it means a lot knowing you trust me enough to share it.”
Sydney rubbed at her eyes and exhaled slowly. She felt better now that Ben knew of her past. A burden had been lifted from her shoulders and with that there was some sense of relief.
“How are you feeling?” she asked.
Ben grinned. “Well, the sharp, stabbing pain is now a dull ache, so I think I'll survive.”
“Do you think you can walk?” she asked.
“Are you trying to get rid of me?”
“I'm really tired.”
Ben slowly stood upright beside the table and paused for a moment, then inched toward the door with Sydney beside him. He stopped at the door and leaned against the wall. His eyes focused on hers. He wanted to comfort her, but was unsure if he should even try.
He cupped her cheek and rubbed his thumb through the wetness on it, then slid his hand down onto her shoulder and along the length of her arm. When he reached her hand he squeezed it.
“If I could take away your hurt, I would in a heartbeat,” he whispered.
“I know, but I'm okay,” she smiled weakly.
“Can I give you a hug?” he asked.
Her hands lifted to his chest and fanned across his pectorals. “I suppose so.”
He pulled her softly to him, inhaling the delicate scent of her skin and hair, and as he had hoped, she slowly melted against him. Her hands tentatively moved around his waist; her face pressed to his chest.
The magnitude of the moment was powerful. Sydney had finally let down her guard and allowed him to get close to her. With a feather touch he kissed her forehead, his hands gently rubbed her back.
“You smell so good, Syd,” he whispered against her temple.
As soon as the words left his mouth, he felt her stiffen in his arms and knew the moment was over. Sydney broke his embrace and stepped away, putting a safe amount of space between them.
“You were right about me hiding behind my clothing,” she said. “I did it out of necessity so I could feel safe doing my job. It was easier to do that than the alternative.”
“What's the alternative? Someone seeing you have vulnerabilities like the rest of us?” he asked.
“The night you passed-out in my room, you said I challenged you. That might be true, but I think you challenge me more,” she said. “From now on, I will make a stronger effort to be more…personable.”
Sydney leaned against the opposite wall. “To be exposed like that, scares the hell out of me. It won't be easy.”
Ben stepped closer and touched her cheek with the back of his fingers. “I know, and I'll do anything I can to help.”
Sydney nodded, her eyes dropped to his groin. “I'm sorry about…"
“My balls?”
She covered her mouth and laughed.
“Not as sorry as I am,” he said. “But, considering the break-through you had after you crushed them, I'd have to say, the pain was worth it. So, I'll take them back to my room, ice them down, and hope they live to see another…”
“On that note, I'll see you tomorrow,” Sydney said, and opened the door.
Ben stepped into the hallway.
“You're very special,” he said. “I want you to know that.”
Sydney smiled and quietly shut the door.
CHAPTER EIGHT
After Sydney's rape admission, Ben became even more attentive to her. While they were in Los Angeles, Ben took her shopping on Rodeo Drive and helped her select new outfits to build up a sexier wardrobe. She bought several pairs of form fitting jeans and figure flattering tops, all with the watchful eye of Ben.
He was always nearby, but never too close to make her feel pressured to be with him. Their friendship deepened and she found herself truly enjoying his company and looked forward to the long hours of traveling with him on the tour bus or the plane.
During this time, Sydney's physical appearance changed too. Along with the change in clothing style, she began to wear her long hair down around her shoulders and stopped wearing her glasses, in favor of contact lenses. Instead of making her feel vulnerable and exposed, she felt empowered. She felt beautiful for the first time in years.
Ben loved the awakening he saw in Sydney, but it also meant he had to become a constant buffer be
tween her and their road crew, deflecting their off-colored comments. Sydney had no idea the power she had over all of them - especially him. All she had to do was glance his way and he was lost.
Sydney followed Ben into his dressing room after a zealous meet ‘n’ greet photo session before a show. Ben pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it onto an empty chair. Sydney had seen him shirtless many times, but now she looked at his exposed skin with a new interest. His body more than intrigued her. Hard as she tried, she could not force herself to look away. She hopped up onto a long table and fumbled with her camera, doing her best not to stare at him.
His dark skin seemed flawless. She spotted the dragonfly tattoo on his right shoulder blade and watched as his muscles made it move, almost giving it the appearance of flight. When he turned toward her slightly, her eyes scanned a heart shaped tattoo on his chest with a blank ribbon crossing through it. The large inking below his belly button intrigued her the most. This tattoo had the name of his band, Reckless, positioned low on his stomach between his hips and partially hidden beneath the waistband of his pants.
“Damn, I think that last girl actually scratched me,” he said, examining his chest in the wall mirror.
Sydney laughed. “Yeah. You looked like you were suffering.”
Ben looked over his shoulder and smiled at her. “Jealous?”
“Why would I be jealous?” she asked. “It comes with the job, doesn't it?”
She hopped down off the table and walked toward the door. “I'll let you finish getting ready. Have a great show.”
Ben selected another fresh button down shirt from the wardrobe rack beside the mirror and slipped it over his shoulders. “Don't worry, Syd. You're the only one in my heart,” he said.
Sydney stepped back into the dressing room. “Do you mean that?” she asked.
Ben tipped his head. “Mean what?”
“I didn't think so.”
“Syd,” he called to her. He waited until she peeked around the frame of the door again and smiled brilliantly. “I meant it.”
Sydney blushed hotly and waved at him, then disappeared down the hall toward the stage area.
Ben and his band hit the stage on time and blasted the audience out of the building with their first song. His voice was a powerful combination of soulfulness and primal sensuality, which made her insides heat. He could easily sing the phone book and make it sound sexual and melodic. Several times during the show, Ben caught her eyes and each time he did, her heart stopped. It was like he was singing directly to her and she was his lone audience.
After the concert, Ben caught Sydney in the hallway on her way out to catch the band shuttle back to the hotel.
“Would you like to go for a ride?” he asked.
“Aren't you doing something with the guys?”
“They're all doing their own thing tonight, so I'm flying solo. Would you care to join me?”
“What did you have in mind?”
Ben held the door open for Sydney and waited for her to step outside.
“I want to show you something,” he said, and led her to a large sports utility vehicle.
“Is this yours?” she asked.
Ben unlocked the doors and helped place Sydney's camera equipment onto the back seat, then opened the passenger door for her.
“This is a rental - and a tank. I don't drive tanks, unless it's a Hummer.” “Where are you taking me?” she asked
“You'll see when we get there.” He smiled at her and reached for her hand, lightly squeezing it.
He was more quiet than usual and Sydney grew suspicious of his motives for taking her for the ride. He obviously had something on his mind, but even still, he seemed relaxed, which made her feel at ease to be with him.
Ben exited the freeway, then took a series of side roads that steadily brought them higher in elevation. Finally, he pulled off the paved road into a dirt turn-around and parked the truck.
Sydney slid from the seat and met Ben at the front of the vehicle. Below them, and stretched as far as the eye could see, was the city of Los Angeles. Thousands of twinkling lights made the entire sky glow. Above them, an enormous moon hung so low, Sydney felt like she might be able to reach it. A warm soft breeze hit her skin, moving her hair around her face.
“Ben, this is beautiful.”
He sat against the bumper of the vehicle and stretched his legs out in front of him in the dirt, then crossed his legs at the ankle.
“I thought you might like it,” he said.
For several minutes they enjoyed the view below in silence.
“The crowd was amazing tonight,” she finally said. “I can't wait to show you the shots I got.”
“I don't want to talk about work right now, Syd.”
“What would you like to talk about?”
Ben inched closer to her on the bumper and slid his arm around her shoulders.
“I'd like to talk about us,” he said quietly. “My feelings for you have changed over the last week and I'm at a cross-roads as to what I should do about that.”
His eyes held hers, hoping to see some sort of reaction, but saw none.
“I'm wondering what you're feeling,” he said. “Do you ever see there being something more between us beyond friendship? I love being with you, but it's becoming more and more difficult to be with you and not be physical.”
“Ben…”
“Syd, I completely understand what you've been through and I'm not saying this to pressure you into something you don't want, but I need to know how you feel. No more cat and mouse games. I'm way beyond that now.”
Sydney shifted beside him. “I love being with you too…”
“But…what?” he asked, squeezing her shoulder.
“I'm afraid.”
“That I'll hurt you?”
“Ben, it's been so long since a man has touched me, I don't know if I can do it. I've purposely gone out of my way to avoid it, and now I'm afraid I won't be able to allow myself to feel it.”
Ben slid his hand around the back of her neck and pulled her closer. He pressed his cheek to hers.
“Can you feel this?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“How does it make you feel?” he asked, and softly rubbed his cheek against hers.
She took a moment and allowed the sensations of his closeness to sink in. She could feel the heat of his breath and hear him breathing.
“It makes me feel warm,” she finally said.
Ben parted his legs in the dirt and shifted her between his thighs, turning her toward him.
“Ben…what are you doing?”
His arms went around her waist and began inching her closer.
“If this doesn't make you go from warm to hot, then maybe we're destined to be nothing more than friends,” he said. “Although, I sincerely hope that isn't the case.” He held her, his mouth hovering but not touching. His fingers fanned across her butt and tilted her hips between his.
“Close your eyes,” he whispered, then his lips delicately brushed hers.
Sydney's eyelids slowly dropped. She felt Ben's mouth open against her lips. His heat began warming her insides. Her hands went to his hips, then moved around his waist. She felt his tongue reach for hers, tentatively teasing without being forceful. She could feel his arousal growing between them and a subtle pulse began beating inside her center. It had been so long since she had felt the sensations, her body began to tremble.
Ben felt her shiver and held her tighter. “Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yes. I'm fine,” she said, and opened her mouth again for him.
He arched against the hood of the car and pulled her down with him. His mouth found hers, this time he felt her lips open for him, her body conforming to his. Her responsiveness to him was making him ache. She felt so good in his arms, the friction her body was creating against his groin was pushing him to the brink of insanity.
He kissed her again, this time with more urgency. The level of his desire was
almost out of control. Finally, he felt Sydney's hands pressing on his chest, breaking the sweet seal their mouths had created. He loosened his embrace but kept her cradled between his thighs.
Sydney set her forehead onto his chest. Her arms circled his biceps.
He was desperate to know her thoughts, if their kiss had effected her in the same way, leaving her legs feeling like rubber. If her answer was no, he knew it would destroy him. He rubbed her back tenderly and waited for her to say something. Every second she remained silent was excruciating.
“Wow,” Sydney finally said breathlessly.
Ben tipped his head to see her face. “Is that good or bad?”
She gazed up at him, her eyes twinkling with moisture. “It was…very good,” she said. Her fingers touched the soft whiskers of his facial hair. “Your goatee tickles when you kiss me.”
His grin was devilish. “You liked it?”
“Very much,” she replied. “You were right about the fireworks.”
“Fireworks?”
Sydney grinned. “It was something you said the night you were drunk.”
Ben started laughing. “Oh, I see what you're doing. Little by little you're going to reveal what I said that night, aren't you? Sort of like pulling off a Band-Aid slow instead of fast.”
Sydney stood on her toes to kiss him again. Her fingers sifted through his hair. “It's fun to watch you squirm,” she said against his lips.
He pulled her tight and took her mouth until Sydney loosened his embrace. “You're a really good kisser, Ben. My knees are actually weak.”
Ben flopped against the truck with relief. “You have no idea how happy that makes me, Sydney.”
He twisted her around and put her backside to his chest, then crossed his arms around her, hugging her tightly.
“I was nervous I might be the only one feeling that way,” he said. He moved his mouth against her neck and lightly kissed her skin, his tongue darting out to taste it. “I could kiss you all night.”
“If your kisses always feel like that, I might let you,” she said.
