by KJ Bell
“It’s okay, Maria. Bring him in here.”
Javier’s face lights up, and he sprints past me and leaps onto the bed. Tug lifts him into the middle of the bed. I stand staring at the two guys in my life in complete awe.
“Can’t sleep, huh, buddy?” Javier shakes his head and rubs his sleep eyes. “Will it help if you sleep in here with your mom?” Javier smiles and nods. “Do you want to go run and grab your train?”
“Nope.” Javier shakes his head. “I don’t need it.”
My heart burst. I have to hold my breath to keep from bawling my eyes out. It’s Tug. My little boy, like me, feels secure with him.
I climb up on the bed next to Javier and kiss his head. “Go back to sleep, mijo.” He rolls to his side with his back to me. Tug starts to get up. “Please stay,” I whisper.
He smiles and lies on his side with his elbow on the pillow, his head supported by his palm. His eyes stay on me as I stroke Javier’s head until I hear his heavy, sleeping breaths. Tug’s fingers graze my cheek.
“You’re both so beautiful,” he whispers.
I smile shyly and say, “You aren’t disappointed?”
He shakes his head, his expression serious. “Oh, sweet girl, you in those heels will be mine very soon, but this” — his eyes drop to my sleeping baby boy — “is what means the most in life. This is perfection.”
My eyes burn with tears again. It’s nice that tonight they’re happy tears. “You’re a good guy, you know that?”
He averts his eyes. “No, I’m not, but I want to be, for you and for your son.”
“You are,” I say quietly. “Somewhere along the way, something happened to make you think otherwise, but I see it, and I adore you for it.”
He smiles and lays his head on the pillow. Without responding, his eyes close.
I’m falling hard for this amazing and complicated man who has so much love to give. Knowing I will inevitably cause him pain terrifies me. I won’t want to, and I won’t mean to, but I will. I should take Javier now and run, save Tug from me, but I’m selfish. I can’t. He makes me feel good, and it’s been so long since I’ve felt anything. Now that I’ve had a taste, I greedily want more. There’s a tiny glimmer of hope deep inside me that makes me believe there’s a chance for us, and until it’s completely extinguished, I refuse to give up.
I’m awakened by the sound of boisterous laughter. I get out of bed and make my way to the kitchen. My mouth opens in shock as I take in the mess. Cereal is everywhere. Red Solo cups line the counter and the table. Tug, Javier and Andrew fall completely silent and stare at me.
“Uh-oh, boys,” Tug says with a mischievous grin. He points fingers at both of them, crossing his arms in front of his body. “You’re busted now.”
Andrew tries to hold in a laugh, but it bursts through his lips. Javier shrugs and tosses a Fruit Loop in the air. It lands in a cup on the table. “Three-pointer. I win!” he yells, and jumps up and down before performing a victory dance.
“Javier Joseph, what do you think you’re doing?”
“We’re playing cereal basketball.”
I’m completely horrified that my child has participated in destroying Tug’s kitchen.
“Look at this mess. What were you thinking?” I glance at Tug. “I’m so sorry about this. I’ll clean it up.”
A boyish smile over takes Tug’s face, and he hurls a Fruit Loop at me that pegs me in the cheek. The next second I’m bombarded by an onslaught of various breakfast cereals.
“Oh, this is war!” I shout, and reach the counter, grabbing a handful of cereal. I throw it at Tug.
For several minutes, cereal rains down in the kitchen, all of us launching handfuls at each other. I’m pulled into Tug’s arms, and he kisses me on the lips, cereal crunching beneath our bare feet.
“Good morning, sweet girl,” Tug says, just as cereal pelts both of us in the side of the face.
The boys’ laughter is so contagious and heartwarming. I should be horrified by the wasting of food and the disregard for Tug’s home, but I’m too happy to care. This moment is a perfect reflection of how carefree a child’s life should be. Javier’s childhood has always been tense and structured to keep me grounded, and he deserves the reprieve, if only for the morning.
“Thank you,” I tell Tug, brushing cereal flakes from his messy morning hair. After sending the boys to clean up, I say, “Where’s your broom, so I can get started on cleaning this up.”
“Leave it. The housekeeper will be here at ten,” he informs me.
“We can’t leave it like this. It’s more than she’s paid for, I’m sure.”
“She’s paid well, and I’ve had some wild parties. She’s seen worse than cereal.”
I hop up on the counter and smile, not wanting to think about the many women who probably spent the night after one of his wild parties. “This was fun, but no more cereal games.”
“I make no promises.” Tug slides his body between my thighs and kisses me. “I really like you.”
“I like you, too,” I say and glance away.
“But …” he probes.
“I’m still trying to figure out the hustle.”
He leans back, the crease in his forehead deep. “The hustle?”
“Yeah, you know. The hustle. When something’s too good to be true, it’s a hustle. Where I’m from there’s always a hustle. Everyone has one. So, what’s yours?”
“Where I’m from, the hustle is a line dance, usually performed after consuming large amounts of alcohol by people who have no rhythm.”
I laugh, but then my expression turns serious. “You know what I mean. Why me?”
“Why not you?” With a slight jerk of my arm, he pulls me from the counter and close to his chest, our gazes fully entwined. “There’s no hustle. I like how you make me feel. I like that I can be myself when I’m with you. I like your smile and your laugh. If there’s something I don’t like, it’s you questioning how I feel about you. This thing between us is real, and I have no idea where it’s going, but I don’t ever want to hear you doubt why I’d choose you. You make me feel like there’s not enough time in the day, like I can’t get enough of you, and if I blink, I’ll miss something incredible. I don’t want to miss anything.”
“Oh,” I gulp, just before his lips settle on top of mine.
We arrive at Brady’s house at noon. Tori is in the kitchen chopping up fruit, and the house is packed with people. We stop on the other side of the island to greet Tori, Maria looking nervously at her.
“Mommy.” Drew runs around and into her arms to hug her. “I had so much fun. Javier is my new best friend.”
Tori greets Javier, and he and Drew run out of the sliding glass door to the deck. My eyes meet Harrison’s through the glass, silently threatening him. The skin under his right eye is purple and I’d like to make the other one match. He’d better stay clear of me if he wants to live.
“Hey, little brother.” Liv says, spotting Maria next to me. “Oh, hey. How are you?”
“I’m good, thank you.”
Liv holds her arm out, showing off a diamond tennis bracelet. “Look what Harrison got me!”
“For what?” I ask rudely.
She smiles, spinning her body back and forth at the hips. “Just because.”
“I bet,” I snap. “Men only give gifts like that as an apology.”
“You’re so rude, Tug.”
Why am I the asshole? Clearly Harrison hasn’t told her yet. “Yeah. How’d he get those bruises on his face?”
“Oh, God. It was awful. Some guy was arguing with his girlfriend at the gas station and Harrison tried to stop it. The guy attacked him.”
I can’t believe she fell for that bullshit story. Actually, I can. Harrison has everyone fooled into believing he’s the ultimate do-gooder. I don’t want to ruin today’s fun or make my sister sad by outing his ass. “The bracelet’s nice,” I say, not even addressing his phony attack.
“Aw, is that your son?” Liv as
ks Maria, pointing to Javier on the deck.
“Yes.”
“He’s adorable, and he and Drew seem to have hit it off.”
“They have.” Maria turns her head to Tori. “Drew is a great kid. He’s very kind. Javier doesn’t have many friends.”
“Oh, thank you,” Tori says, coming around the island to hug Maria. I notice Maria’s hesitancy to return the hug. “Come out back with me, and I’ll introduce you to everyone.”
Tori pulls her hand and Maria follows, looking at me over her shoulder.
“I’ll be there in one sec,” I tell her as they slip out the sliding glass door. I turn to my sister, resisting the urge to rip the bracelet from her wrist and toss it in the trash. “So, how are you, sis? Is everything good?” I’m fishing to see if Harrison did confess, and maybe she’s totally okay with it, like the bracelet made it all better.
“What do you want? You’re freaking me out.”
She’s on to me.
“I don’t want anything. Can’t I just be nice to you?”
“No, that’s not how we roll, remember?” She laughs, and I wince a little. She seems happy, and my desire to throttle Harrison grows.
“Right. Okay, then,” I say. “Are you planning on auditioning for Jersey Shore, because that hair would fit right in?”
“God, I love you.”
“I love you, too,” I say and throw a grape at her. She catches it and pops it in her mouth.
“So, Maria, huh?”
“Yep.”
She looks surprised. “Is it serious?”
“It is for me.”
“Oh, come on. You’re kidding, right?”
“Is that so hard to believe?”
“No, well, kind of. I mean … she’s a hooker!”
I inhale through my nose. I know people will judge the relationship, but our family isn’t in a position to do so.
“She used to be, and we’re hardly pillars of purity, sis.”
“I know that, but how will that look? What will people think?”
She sounds so much like our mother. I avoid pointing that out, since I don’t want to hurt her, and I know worrying about appearances is ingrained deep in all of us.
“You know what? I really don’t give a shit. I’m done pleasing other people. Maybe you should give it a try.” Starting with your spineless boyfriend.
“I don’t know why I talk to you. Fuck off,” she shouts, and storms toward the sliding glass door.
“Glad we’re back to ‘rolling’ accordingly.”
She growls at me and goes outside. So much for not hurting her.
Maria and Tori come inside, laughing like old friends. Tori sets a bowl on the counter and goes to the fridge.
“What’s so funny?” I ask the two of them.
“Those boys devoured the entire bowl of blueberries and demanded more in the name of the king,” Tori says.
“They’re so cute together,” Maria adds.
I smirk and glance outside, my heart full. Blueberries. Their mothers may not think it’s so cute later.
“Oh, you’ll be happy to know, I’ve made other arrangements for Javier,” Maria says.
“Great, but how?”
Tori raises her hand. “I’m going to watch him.”
“Oh. Are you sure?”
“Positive. With Brady gone, it works out perfect. The two of them will keep me busy.”
“She’s pretty great, huh?” Maria says, smiling at Tori. The two of them connecting thrills me, although it will take some time to get used to.
“Yes, she is.”
“We moms have to stick together,” Tori says, putting her arm around Maria.
Maria nods. “Yep. Thank you.”
I leave the girls chatting and go outside, passing Brady on the way. He stops. “I’m proud of you, little brother,” he says quietly. I tip my chin, and he keeps moving into the house. Gabe is seated at the table on the back deck, alone, and I fill the seat next to him.
“What’s up?” I ask.
“Just keeping an eye on the boys.” I follow his pointer finger to Drew, Javier, Lance, and Davey’s son. I can’t remember his name. “Pretty cool — they’re all the same age. Lance has had a hard time making friends since his mom died.”
“What about you, man? How do you do it?”
He glances down and spins a ring on his finger. It’s a promise ring for a future Gabe and his girl were robbed of.
“I have Lance, so I don’t really have a choice.”
“It must be hard.”
“Some days.” He shrugs and I notice some new ink on his chest. Gabe is a softy, although you’d never know it by the gauges in his ears and the amount of ink covering his skin. Most people assume Second Chances guitar player is a bad-ass, but he’s a genuinely nice guy with a huge heart and incredible ability on the strings.
I eye the crowd, looking at a bunch of faces I don’t know. “Have you seen Liv?”
“Oh, yeah. She’s on the beach, tanning.” He points with a smile I’ve seen before when guys look at my sister. She makes men dumb. “Damn, dude. I know she’s your sister, and she’s taken, but DAY-UM!”
“Gross, man.”
“Sorry, but she’s hot.” I make a sour face. “And she’s sweet.”
“Are you sure we’re talking about the same girl?”
“Positive, dude. Lance adores her. She’s great with him.”
“She does love kids,” I say, unable to agree with him on any of her other qualities.
“She’s a doll.” He leans over the side of his chair close to me and whispers, “Don’t repeat this, but she can do better than Harrison. He’s a chump.”
I like Gabe more every day. He may be the one person I know that see’s through Harrison’s façade.
“Speaking of which, have you seen Harrison?” I ask, sweeping my eyes over the faces on the beach.
“Not since he and Liv had words.”
“What about?”
“Not sure. She came out looking pissed and marched right over to him. They fought for a while, although I didn’t hear what about. She went to the beach, and he stormed off.”
“Huh. Will you excuse me for a minute?”
“Sure, man.”
After searching the back yard for the weasel, I walk around to the front of the house and notice his car is missing. I go inside and find Maria. “Will you be okay if I leave for a minute?”
“Yes, but where are you going?”
“I need to check on something.”
“Okay. Sure.”
I kiss the top of her head. Tori and I make eye contact.
“I’ll be right back, Tor. Take care of my girl.”
“What was that all about?” Tori asks.
“I’m not sure, but he seemed upset, huh?”
“It’s probably work related. His job is pretty intense.” I frown. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing.”
“You’re worried about how your past might affect him at work?”
“Not might, it will eventually.”
“Try not to worry about it. Tug and Brady have the ultimate say at Gibson and Brady supports the two of you dating.”
Brady’s approval makes me smile.
“And how do you feel about it? It must be awkward.”
“Me? I’m happy for Tug.”
“I meant knowing Brady used to come into the club to see me. I swear nothing ever happened between us.”
She puts her hand on top of mine.
“I know. Brady told me about you, and I trust him.”
It must be nice to love someone without doubt. “He’s a great guy.”
“He is. They both are.”
Knowing this woman’s had sex with Tug is unsettling. I have a question I shouldn’t ask, but I also have to know the answer, so I’m going to anyway.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“You can tell me it’s none of my business if you want, but if you
r baby were Tug’s, would you be with him?”
“Honestly, I don’t think so. I adore Tug, but we made a mistake. I wish I could take it back because it’s caused such a rift between us, but I can’t, just like you can’t change what you used to do for a living. Sometimes we make choices we regret, and I’m thankful Tug’s still in my life, but I don’t have any romantic feelings for him. If this baby was his, I’d still be with Brady.”
“Thank you for answering and I’m sorry for being nosy. I guess I’m a little insecure with how Tug feels about you.”
“I completely understand and I would probably feel the same way, but I know he likes you. It’s nice to have the old Tug back and I would like for you and I to be good friends.”
“You would?”
“Absolutely.”
Her words are so sure, and I love the thought of us being good friends. I’ve never had a girlfriend I trusted and was close with.
With my hands fisted at my sides, I climb the stairs to Del’s apartment and pray I won’t find Harrison inside. Of course, my praying is pointless, since his car is in the parking lot. I pound my fists on the door. “Harrison, get your pathetic ass out here.”
I hear voices, but the door doesn’t open. “You better open this muthafuckin’ door, Del. I’m not playing, Harrison. You get your ass out here.”
Still nothing, and now my rage boils over. He wants to play games, I’ll play. I stomp loudly down the stairs and pull my keys from my pocket. I won’t be the one to tell Liv. He may be too big a coward to say the words out loud, but he is going to tell her.
I reach his Jetta and smile. The noise the key makes as I write grates my skin, but I keep writing. It takes longer than I thought it would to finish as the key keeps sticking in the paint. I stand back to admire my handiwork.
LIV, I CHEATED ON YOU AND I COULDN’T TELL YOU BECAUSE I’M A PUSSY!
Marring the hood isn’t enough. I scratch out CHEATER on both sides, and DICKLESS WONDER across the back.
Perfect, I think, as I sit in my car. Driving away while I watch Harrison in my rearview mirror in his boxers, staring at his car with his fingers fisted in his hair, feels quite gratifying.
