A rack of fur-lined jackets tipped over and Falwark half-shouted angrily, “Nothing fits me!”
“I don’t think the ancients catered much for seven-foot-tall women with four arms,” said Edwud, trying to placate her.
The double doors behind Foran slid open and a gold-colored cube-shaped robot floated into the room. “Your friend is correct,” the robot announced. “We usually cater to all sizes, but none of our models had more than the customary two arms,” it said helpfully in a smooth, baritone voice.
Karl hissed his displeasure at being surprised by the gold robot, while Foran dove to one side, taking cover behind a rack of sunglasses and novelty hats, and bumping into a green man frozen solid, halfway through swinging a large battle-axe.
The gold robot continued to float into the room and stated loudly, “I am Cube, the Gift Shop manager and delivery supervisor. The Gift Shop is currently not open for business. Our usual hours are from nine till five, Monday to Friday and nine til two on Saturdays. We are closed on all recognised religious holidays, but are able to be open outside our regular hours for special group bookings.”
Cube paused when it saw the overturned clothes rack, and made a “Tsk! Tsk!” noise in Falwark’s direction. “We also have a “You break it – You will buy it!” policy.”
Falwark looked guiltily at the clothes rack and quickly set about putting it back in place.
“Unless you are here for business, I must assume that you are stealing,” the robot paused and extended a tentacle from one side to indicate out the double doors that it had just entered through. “We are already waiting for the arrival of security robots, but you have been put in a queue. We have been waiting thirty-two years for security to pick up the last shoplifters that we apprehended.”
“Thirty-two years!” exclaimed Foran in horrified astonishment.
“Well, you know what they say,” said Cube, extending two threatening-looking nozzles from one side and pointing them towards Foran, “Justice is a dish best served cold.”
Karl stepped forward, hoping to distract the robot and loudly asked, “Did you say that you managed deliveries?” He outstretched his arms and announced importantly, “We’ve got a load of fresh crab that just can’t wait!”
Cube stopped, and turned to face Karl. “Oh My!” said Cube, sliding the nozzles back inside itself. “I don’t have you on my schedule!”
“Of course not!” You can’t schedule Catch of the Day!” Karl said confidently. “We have it on our vessel, and it is fresh, but it won’t stay that way for long.”
“Well, he’s honest, I’ll give him that!” murmured Edwud to Falwark quietly, “It’s on our vessel all right, and our clothes, and I can see a bit still hanging off his left ear, and some looks like it has dribbled down his back.” Both Edwud and Falwark started snickering at Karl’s expense, eliciting a sharp look from Foran.
“Well, we must move quickly, there’s another delivery arriving in a few minutes, and these new subcontractors are temperamental. We’d best get your goods unloaded and prepared for shipment,” said Cube before turning back towards the double doors. “Please follow me and we’ll see to your delivery. The last thing I need is another dispute between subcontractors. All deliveries had to be halted after our last dispute and Mr Big Eight was not amused.”
“Mr Big Eight?” enquired Foran.
“Yes, the new manager. He turned off Deep Thinker and took over a few months ago. A brilliant multitasker, but a very stern negotiator,” said Cube wistfully. “We risk losing some of our most loyal customers!”
The group followed Cube into an area filled with machines that scaled or skinned, gutted, and cut the fish into fillets or into pieces and packed it away to be collected by levitating robots with giant claws that swooped down taking the packages away. The area that they were walking through was immense. It was easily over two hundred feet across, with stations dedicated to processing different types of sea creatures, and another area that Cube informed them caused the sea creatures to mutate into something horrible that it called, “Fish Fingers.” Cold shivers sped down all of the group’s backs.
“By the way, does anyone know where that delightful music is coming from?” asked Cube referring to the now-ever-present and unavoidable strains of A Walk in the Black Forest.
“This robot is insane!” Edwud whispered to Foran.
“Ya think!?!” Foran replied, sarcastically.
“Quickly now!” Cube urged. “The others are unloading their vessel. We’ll go inspect your cargo when the doors open in a few seconds.” With that, a grating alarm started to sound and blue lights near the door started to flash. The two large doors opened revealing the docks where their submarine, Johan was moored.
Another vessel had pulled alongside, and was in the process of unloading as they moved towards Johan. The vessel was crewed by Shark-Men! The creatures were attaching ropes to a crane to lift nets full of fish out of the hold. As they continued past to their own vessel, Karl walked next to Cube. Cube immediately moved forward and hovered over Johan’s upper deck and started to look at the scattered pieces of crab and the splattered chunks of meat that had sprayed outwards when Karl had fired the disruptor.
Cube made more “Tsk! Tsk!” noises and turned to face the nervous-looking cat. The robot moved closer and leaned in towards Karl, “Did you wear a hair net when you were handling this food?” it asked.
Karl stammered. “Errr.. Um.. Ah, No.” he admitted in defeat, his shoulders slumping.
“Well, I will excuse you this once, as you are a new subcontractor, but let me make myself clear…” the robot started, before being interrupted by a spear clanging off the submarine in front of them.
“Excuse me, I think we are having another dispute with subcontractors,” said Cube before turning toward the spear thrower. The group turned to see four Shark-Men with cutlasses, spears and nets battling two unarmed humanoids that were gasping for air, and clearly outmatched while trying to grapple with the savage-looking creatures.
“Mer-Men!” shouted Edwud, who drew his laser and immediately charged towards the battle.
The volume of A Walk in the Black Forest dramatically increased.
Before Edwud was close enough to join the battle, Cube fired a ray at one of the Shark-Men which froze the creature solid. One of the other creatures threw a spear at Edwud which struck him in the leg and he went down with a yell of pain. Karl started forward to help Edwud, but was grasped firmly by the scruff of his neck by a metallic tentacle that lifted him off the ground, and drew him around to face Cube. Another tentacle held something soft in front of Karl’s face.
“I said,” grated Cube, inches from Karl’s face, “Wear a hairnet. I won’t warn you again!” before dropping him back to the ground, and tossing the flimsy headwear at his feet with a flick of a tentacle.
Karl grumbled as he tried to put the hairnet on over his ears before asking Cube, “Do you have a suggestion box?”
“Why yes we do! At the front counter in the Gift Shop,” responded Cube, oblivious of the implied threat.
“Good!” said Karl drawing his sword and charging to join the battle. He had just arrived in time to see the last of the Shark-Men fall to Falwark’s battle-axe.
One of the gasping Mer-Men gestured at the laden nets on the deck of the Shark-Men’s submarine nearby, and Karl leapt up to examine the catch.
He gasped in horrified shock and quickly cut the net, spilling fish and two Mer-Men children onto the deck of the submarine. Both adult Mer-men leapt onto the deck and quickly scooped up the children, nodded their silent thanks to the group, and dived into the water. The Mer-Men quickly disappeared from sight.
Falwark waved goodbye to the departing Mer-Men. “Not big talkers. I really liked those guys.”
“I suppose that I had better add these to your store credit as well,” said Cube interrupting the groups’ observations of the departing Mer-Men. Pointing to the bodies of the dead Shark-Men, Cube said enthusiastically, “
We haven’t had flake on the menu in quite some time!”
One of Cube’s tentacles moved towards Foran, holding a piece of paper. “You’ll need to take this upstairs to Mr Big Eight to cash in your store credit,” said Cube helpfully, pointing towards a door in a column in the centre of the room. “And may I suggest that you visit the Gift Shop before you leave?”
Edwud re-joined the group, with the offending spear in his hand. Karl noted that his injured leg was already mostly healed, though it was smeared with fresh blood. “I heal really quick from nearly anything!” said Edwud, happily, noticing Karl’s surprised look.
Cube escorted the group to the small elevator and bid them a cheerful farewell, before turning around to return to the Gift Store, humming A Walk in the Black Forest. “Catchy!” Cube said.
A Walk in the Black Forest
As the doors to the elevator shut, music began to play. Again, A Walk in the Black Forest was piped in, eliciting more groans from the group. Falwark slowly, and rhythmically thumped her head against the wall in time with the music.
Fortunately, it was a quick ride. When the elevator stopped, instead of the door opening, the walls receded into the floor, leaving the group standing in the middle of a large open area, with a view of the waters above them. They were surrounded by office cubicles, like some sort of nightmarish maze.
Karl’s ears flattened against his skull and he hissed involuntarily.
“Funny, I didn’t think cats were fond of water,” said a cultured, deep voice with a hint of humor from behind them.
They turned to see the source of the voice and saw a gigantic mottled green and yellow octopus sitting in a pool of water, with a framework of monitors suspended above the pool. Floating on a number of inflatable cushions were piles of reports. Karl noted that the name plate sitting on the side of the pool said “Big Eight.” Not that he needed the hint.
“Oooh! Again with the cat jokes!” Karl spat, “I bet dogs don’t get this kind of grief.”
“Why would I tell cat jokes about dogs?” asked the octopus, looking nonplussed. The creature paused and frowned, looking up at a monitor briefly. Big Eight then lifted a tentacle and made a snapping noise. He held out a piece of paper. A Shark-Man sprinted from one of the nearby cubicles, bowing obsequiously to Big Eight and took the paper.
“We will attack that village tonight and leave no survivors,” Big Eight told the Shark-Man, who sprinted back to its cubicle.
“You’ve been sending the attacks!?!” roared Foran in outrage.
“Of course!” replied Big Eight smoothly. “Destroy the competition and dominate the supply of food.”
“Then you will die for that!” Foran howled in rage and charged with his vibroblade held high.
Several Shark heads poked up above the cubicle walls, that encircled the area where the group stood. The shark heads quickly disappeared from view to be replaced by fins instead. The fins wove rapidly between the cubicles, getting closer to the area where the group stood. The rest of the group drew their weapons and charged Big Eight before the Shark-Men could arrive.
Foran and Karl were grabbed by tentacles and thrown over cubicle walls. Karl landed gracefully on his feet on top of a desk, while Foran was not so fortunate, crashing down on top of one of the Shark-Men. Foran quickly disembowelled the creature with his vibroblade before it could recover its wits. It sprayed blood and semi-digested fish all over him.
“Glad that I’m not allergic to seafood,” Foran muttered in disgust.
Edwud fired his laser pistol at the tentacles, eliciting outraged howls of pain from Big Eight. Falwark used a scimitar and her battle axe to sever one of Big Eight’s tentacles, but a savage blow sent her flying, and she landed hard against some office furniture and lay unmoving.
Karl fired the disruptor pistol and two more Shark-Men died where they stood. He heard movement behind him and saw Foran coming up behind him. Karl shushed Foran and prepared to shoot again, but was grabbed by a tentacle instead.
The tentacle tossed Karl high into the air, and Karl lost his grip on the disruptor as he scrambled for anything he could grab to stop his fall.
Karl looked down in horror and saw that Big Eight had opened his mouth in anticipation and was going to swallow him whole. Instead, Karl flipped head over heels and grasped the framework supporting the monitors above Big Eight and the octopus’s pool. The framework jerked and swung wildly from side to side.
There was a familiar whine, and the Big Eight shrieked as the disruptor pistol discharged, blowing another of Big Eight’s tentacles off. Big Eight roared in pain and anger. Edwud stood his ground, aiming Karl’s retrieved disruptor!
“I guess that makes you Big Six now!” Karl taunted, while looking for a chance to join the attack on the creature.
Then, in a moment of clarity, Karl had an idea. He drew out his sword and hacked at the ropes supporting the framework that he was standing on. With the ropes cut, the entire framework dropped.
Big Eight roared in pain as the equipment plunged on top of him. Sparks flew and the equipment smoked as Big Eight was electrocuted and the weight of the framework pushed him deeper into the pool. Two tentacles hung out over the side of the pool, and they jerked spasmodically as the equipment sparked.
Karl prided himself on being graceful. He timed his leap away from the monitors to land on a nearby desk. He hadn’t accounted for the boots that he was still wearing, and the toe caught on the frame. Karl plummeted head first onto a piece of ancient office equipment, which activated and started spitting out sheets of paper, and then he lost consciousness.
Foran and Edwud quickly dispatched the remaining two Shark-Men and went to check on their fallen comrades. Falwark was alive but had broken one of her arms. Karl regained consciousness quickly, but was covered from head to toe in bruises and had chipped a tooth.
Foran helped Karl to his feet, and they surveyed the damage. Big Eight and all the Shark-Men were dead, including the Shark-Man with the instructions to destroy the village, instructions that would never be delivered.
Foran said, “It looks like our job here is done, but we still have another problem to deal with at home,” he turned to Karl, “I knew that Stan was going to try to kill you.” Foran looked embarrassed, but he continued, “One-Eye told both Stan and I to make sure that all of you did not return from this trip.”
Karl, Falwark and Edwud looked at Foran in surprised anger as Foran spoke. Falwark started some creative swearing regarding One-Eye’s parentage.
After Falwark’s swearing abated, Foran said, “I spoke with Stan the morning before we left and I had hoped to persuade him otherwise, but he wouldn’t listen. I hoped that I could talk him out of it, but didn’t expect him to try as soon as we left the village.” Foran paused and then continued, “I don’t share the Shaman’s hate of those with the so-called tainted blood, and would be honored to call each of you my friend.”
He held out his hand, and Edwud, Falwark and Karl each shook his hand in turn.
Karl’s tail flicked like a snake when he spoke. “I have a score to settle with One-Eye.”
Before leaving, Foran spoke with Cube to ensure that Deep Thinker was reactivated, and that the operation of the processing plant would return to normal. The group headed for their submarine, Johan, but were briefly delayed when Karl disappeared into the Gift Shop. He returned two minutes later, buckling his belt.
Foran looked at him with a raised eyebrow.
“What?” Karl demanded. “I left Cube some feedback in the suggestion box!”
When they arrived back at the wharf, they were surprised to see Johan had been repaired. The crack in his viewport was gone, as were all the barnacles and seaweed. Johan gleamed with a fresh coat of yellow paint.
“Now, this is more like it!” exclaimed Edmund.
Karl reluctantly descended into the bowels of the submarine.
Johan announced, “You vill see I’ve had a beet of fixing oop! It zeems zat my suggestion box malfunctioned and I
had to request a repair crew to sort out ze issue.” Johan paused, uncertainty was clear in the submarine’s voice, “I haz never seen anythink like that happen before!”
“Must be something going around,” said Foran dryly, glaring at Karl.
The submarine submerged and began the trip back to the Key of Osk. Johan announced excitedly, “Dey even gave me zome new music to keep you entertained!”
“It had better not be freakin’ another Walk in the Black Forest,” said Falwark in a threatening tone.
“Unfurrow dat brow, dear Falwark,’ chortled Johan good-naturedly. “Allow me to introduce you to ze vunder dat is Agadoo!”
By the time the submarine docked back at the wharf, the group had thankfully managed to sleep though the multiple replays of Agadoo, without suffering too much from the ordeal.
At Foran’s urging, Karl did not leave any “suggestions” before he left and the group started the walk back to their village. By mid-afternoon, they were approaching the gates of the village, and a small crowd of villagers gathered to greet them upon their return.
The cheerfulness of the assembled villagers lessened when they saw Karl and Edwud dragging a litter with a blanket-wrapped body on it, and Stan’s mother started to wail at the sight. Stan’s father came out and gently took Stan’s body in his arms and carried him into their hut.
Foran went to his father and told him, “We lost Stan. He fought bravely and well, but was killed by the spear of a giant Turtle-Man.”
Varan looked sad at this news and told Foran, “Stan’s parents will grieve tonight, and we will celebrate his life on Feast Day.”
“What about the attacks? Will the attacks stop?” asked Varan.
“We were successful, father. The Deep Thinker was overthrown by a powerful creature that led the attacks, but we have put it all back as it was. There should be no more attacks from the sea,” Foran replied.
One-Eye pushed through the villagers and stood in front of Foran and the group. “I see most of you have returned,” he said glaring at Foran.
Foran turned to the Shaman, snarling, “If it wasn’t for your hate, Stan might still be alive!”
Metamorphosis Alpha 2 Page 8
