by Marian Tee
Andra stopped her with a shake of her head. “Not worth your time, Jace,” our peacemaker said calmly.
Jacy subsided, but she couldn’t stop cursing him under her breath.
Train laughed. “You two always remind me of a K9 specialist and his Rottweiler. Down, boy, down.”
“GROWL,” Jacy deadpanned.
We all laughed. Jacy might be the most hotheaded one among us, but she always did have a great sense of humor. Honestly, I envied her for it. I wanted to tell funny jokes, too!
“Thanks for not letting me fall,” I told her as I hefted my backpack back on the stool with a grunt. Even quarterbacks would have a hard time carrying my backpack, considering how I often loaded it with Idiot’s Guide computer manuals I borrowed from the library.
Crouching down, I began to pick up the various screwdrivers that fell from the side pocket of my bag, trying to ignore the way other kids were staring oddly at me. Yeah, this was me at my glory, Ms. PC Repair Girl at your service. Instead of cute clips or makeup, I had screwdrivers and even some bolts and screws in my bag.
Jacy crouched down to help me. “You do know everyone’s scared that you’ll go psycho on them and threaten everyone with a screwdriver, right?”
I shrugged.
There was a small pause and then Jacy, never the kind to beat around the bush, demanded darkly, “What’s wrong? We know how you don’t like talking about your problems, so we didn’t ask you anything even though you showed up in school looking like you just found out Microsoft’s stocks went down.”
“Don’t say things like that. It’s bad luck.” I automatically crossed myself at Jacy’s words.
Jacy crouched lower on the ground and peeked at my face. I tried to look away but she caught my arm and made me look at her. “We can’t help you if you don’t tell us what’s wrong, Ianne. So what is it?”
Before I could answer, Train suddenly let out a loud gasp. She bent halfway down on the stool to grab my shoulder. And then she started shaking me. “He’s here!”
But I didn’t really need her to tell me.
I knew he was here.
Call it obsession, ESP, or whatever, but I just always knew whenever Alex Rockford was nearby.
I stood up so fast that for a second or two I was dizzy. But I didn’t care. I was too busy looking for Alex.
And there he was.
Black hair, green eyes, and dark brown skin – a far cry from the mostly blond and fair-skinned guys in school, which in my opinion made him look like a man while the rest just looked like boys.
Oh, and his body. The first time I saw him, I had been so awestruck at how beautifully hard, how hot and sexy his body was that I had to lean against the wall just so I wouldn’t accidentally fall.
It wasn’t that he had more bulging muscles than a professional wrestler. It was just that his body was so classically and symmetrically perfect, as if it had been sculpted by an artist. Broad shoulders, a rock-hard chest that I had gotten more than an eyeful of last night, and long muscular legs that I also saw more than I was ready for last night. It was enough to have me silently hyperventilate.
Honestly, it was a total miracle that Alex didn’t seem to guess how much I liked him. I was always terrified that one day he’d discover how my love for him had practically turned me into a stalker that he’d be totally turned off and never talk to me again.
Every time he and his dance crew had some show or gig in or out of school, I’d be there, doing my best to discreetly record him. And then I would watch his performance over and over, my heart never ceasing its own stunts every time I saw him do windmills, back flips, and all the other death-defying moves that he commonly did as a breakdancer.
Alex turned partially towards our direction, and my breath caught as his eyes unerringly found mine. I was probably fooling myself, but I had always secretly thought that he also seemed to have some kind of special ESP when it came to me. Whenever we were in the same room, he never seemed to have any trouble finding me either.
His beautiful face was tense and drawn, but his green eyes were intense as they roamed my face, as if looking for something.
I tested a smile on my lips. His words still hurt, but Alex had never struck me as a cruel person. Something strange happened last night, making him strike out. Whatever it was, I could forgive him for it. He was, after all, the love of my life.
The smile seemed to do the trick and Alex visibly relaxed, his eyes turning warm. A grave look on his face, Alex mouthed, “I’m sorry.”
And then he smiled.
“Uh oh,” Jacy murmured.
Uh oh was right, I thought as my knees started to shake under my weight. I managed to return the smile, but the moment he turned away at the sound of another guy calling his name, my knees buckled completely and I’d have fallen into an embarrassing heap of limbs and bones if not for my friends reaching out for me in time.
My friends were all giggling as they helped me up. Middy shook her head. “You always, always do this. I mean, it’s been three years but you always, always—”
“Oh, shut up,” I mumbled as I straightened. I didn’t even notice Middy was back. That was how distracted I was when Alex was around.
Train was still giggling. “You are just so unbelievable.”
I made a face but didn’t bother replying since I was confused myself. Knees going weak or legs turning into jelly only happened in books and movies. Or so I thought until it happened to me. And kept happening to me. It was like every time I saw Alex, my senses would go haywire.
Last night had been the worst. It was almost like he had been stalking me, and if that had gone any further I might have fainted dead away. Or lost control, thrown myself at Alex, and wrapped my legs around his waist.
The thought had me turning red. Lately, I couldn’t stop thinking about having sex with Alex, and thoughts about him and me naked and doing…stuff…would pop out of nowhere. Last night had also been the worst in that count. It was like Alex from my most embarrassing fantasies had come to life. I had to recite every html tag I knew of in my mind just to keep myself from ogling him. In fact, I had been so distracted by his near-naked closeness (which in turn made me want to take off my clothes) that it was probably the reason why his question about dating had totally taken me by surprise.
I grabbed my lemonade from the counter and took a huge gulp, the thought causing my depression to return in full force. The other day, I had seen Alex and Zelda Baudin flirting with each other near the cafeteria. Well, okay, it was mostly Zelda doing the talking and touching, with Alex being his usual smiling gentlemanly self, but still. He had allowed Zelda to practically maul him in public the way she kept trying to look at his iPhone’s messages, letting her breasts brush against his arms every time she did.
It was just too much of a coincidence that after what I had seen, he began asking the question about friends dating out of the blue. It could only mean one thing, right? Alex and Zelda—
“Oh my God,” Train whispered suddenly.
My spine tingled. This time, it wasn’t a good one. I just knew that those words had to something with Alex – but not in a good way.
Andra began uneasily, “Ianne, I don’t think you should—”
I turned around.
Crack.
That was the sound of my heart breaking, loud and clear, and so painfully irrefutable.
Alex. Alex. Alex – why?
The sun in my solar system, the guy who occasionally and teasingly called me “Goddess” because there was no other girl who knew more about computers than I did, the guy whom I secretly loved…
That guy…had his arm around another girl’s shoulders.
Another girl’s shoulders.
Like a masochist I never knew myself to be, I continued to stare at the heartbreakingly beautiful portrait the couple made. Alex had his head bent down towards the other girl as he listened closely to what she was saying. She had her back to me, but when she looked up at Alex, slightly turning t
o face us as she did—
A gasp slipped past my lips.
My friends gasped, too.
But even as I tried to deny the truth, the other girl seemed to be unconsciously delighted in torturing me further, saying something to make Alex look at her, startled, before holding her hand in a warm, possessive clasp.
"Will somebody," I asked sickly, "please kill me?"
But of course, none of my friends wanted to help me.
"Maybe they're just friends," Jacy said weakly.
Did I really hear that? Was Jacy actually trying to be tactfully kind to another human being? It must really be the end of my world and Jacy's unusual act of kindness was the first crack in what used to be a normal world for me.
It was her – Zelda, the most popular girl in Montgomery Academy. She was also the girl who absolutely hated my guts for whatever reason. I didn’t use to care about that, but right now I returned the sentiment wholeheartedly.
Everybody thought she was a sweetheart. You know the drill – sweet butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-her-mouth voice, always fluttering her lashes, always bubbly, and just a wee bit taller than your average Bratz doll. Guys totally got an ego boost just from being able to look down on li’l ole her – and her cleavage.
I wished I could say she was thin in a malnourished kind of way, but no. She had the kind of curves that made guys almost break their necks whenever she passed by them, the kind that made girls like me want to puke in total envy.
Of all the girls Alex had to hook up with, why did it have to be her? There was just something that wasn’t quite…right with Zelda. No, I didn’t mean she was a psycho. It was just that…I didn’t really believe she was Little Ms. Nice like all her fan boys said she was.
“Why did he have to choose her?” I whispered, still unable to get over it.
“Maybe she’s not as bad as you think…” But even Andra couldn’t say it convincingly.
I shook my head vigorously. “I know what you’re thinking. That I’m biased because I’ve always suspected Alex thinks she’s hot? Well, even Jacy thinks she’s a bitch and Jacy has no reason to be biased or jealous since she’s prettier than everyone else.”
“Shut up, Ianne.” Jacy hated it when people described her as pretty.
Out of the blue, I found myself flooded with anger. How dare Zelda steal my Alex away from me? Did she really know him the way I do? I had been Alex's unofficial best girl- (God, I hate that dash) friend for three years and she was just this...this fashionista newbie insect who crashed into our world. He might be hers now, but Alex had been mine first!
Only...I had been too afraid to reach out for what I wanted, like I was with almost everything.
"Are you okay, Ianne?" Andra asked worriedly and in my peripheral vision, I saw the others looking at me anxiously, scared that I was about to do something...strange. After all, if I collapsed every time I saw Alex, how bad would it get now that I had seen him with another girl?
“Ianne?”
“I’m fine.” Sure, my eyes were suspiciously glassy-looking, my voice a bit shaky, my body held a little too stiffly like someone awaiting execution, but other than that, yes, of course, I was fine.
So damn fine I had a feeling I was bleeding to death and couldn’t even feel it because I was still in shock.
I could barely see Alex and his itsy-bitsy girlfriend now. But the pain didn’t lessen. It just hurt worse and worse, and I just wanted it to end.
I looked around desperately, needing to find a way to stop the pain.
“You don’t look too good,” Andra said anxiously.
Oh God, oh shit, oh damn, I needed to…
I tried to calm myself with huge deep breaths. Think, Ianne. It was my first time to experience heartbreak and it was frankly shitty as hell. How did one get past heartbreak?
Think, Ianne, think.
Oh God. Give me a broken motherboard, an overheated video card, or a virus-struck hard disk to fix and I wouldn’t even blink. But this crushingly bewildering heartbreak? I felt so lost, and the pain gnawing at my heart didn’t help. It was like some monster was trying to claw its way out. I wanted to tell it to settle down and die a quick death, but I couldn’t because you can’t reason with a monster, you know.
Think, Ianne, think.
Without any real-life experience to cling to, my mind turned towards the rom-com movies Train and Middy occasionally blackmailed me into watching with them. What did people in those movies do when they were dumped—
Oh.
I looked at Joey, wishing I could ask him for his strongest drink so I could drown my sorrows in alcohol. But of course I couldn’t since I was just sixteen. So I did the next best thing.
Grabbing my lemonade, I drank it all in one gulp and thrust the glass back at him. “Another one, please.”
God, I was so lame.
No wonder Alex chose Zelda over me.
Everyone would want a pretty margarita over a healthy boring lemonade.
Chapter One
Pretending to move on is like changing your phone’s O.S.
Shiny new interface, but it’s the same device.
Two Years Later
Three weeks past the start of the school year and Ianne still had to pinch herself to ensure she wasn’t dreaming. College life was simply amazing. So far, so, so, so good – it was like she was Kim Kardashian prior the sex scandal, with Mensa IQ and virginity still intact.
It was that perfect.
Her phone buzzed, but when she saw that it was her dad, Ianne quickly shoved the phone back into her bag. Well, that part of her life was not perfect, but she was a pretty optimistic person. She preferred to think that one day her family would accept the truth. She was Ianne, dammit, and not Ian Jr.
“Bye, Ianne,” James Egbert called out to her just as she was about to leave class. Medium height and cute, he had introduced himself to Ianne on the first day of classes and they had often partnered up for seatwork since then.
“Bye!” She tried not to show how awkward she still felt when guys paid attention to her. The old Ianne would have cringed and mumbled, but this was the new her. If guys wanted to say hi to her, she was going to say hi back.
James suddenly caught up to her. “By the way, I was thinking maybe I could get your number…”
And if guys wanted to get her number—
“It’s…” Ianne pretended to suddenly notice her phone was ringing. “Oh, wait…hold on, James. I need to take this call.”
—she would give it…one day.
“Oh, sure. See you tomorrow!”
She tried her best to ignore the crestfallen look on James’ face. Mouthing ‘bye’, she gave him a friendly wave and hurried to leave before her guilty feelings betrayed her.
Train was waiting for her at the foot of the stairs, an impatient look on her face. “Finally!”
“Sorry, I got caught up by…stuff.”
Her friend gave Ianne a sly look. “Stuff means guys, right?”
Ianne mumbled something even she couldn’t understand herself.
Train smirked. “Ianne 2.0 is still in beta mode, I guess?”
She made a face. “Ha ha ha. Soooo funny.” She rubbed her hands nervously. “Let’s just do this, okay?” Today was the last day of tryouts, and if she didn’t find the guts to audition now then that was it. All her plans of becoming and being Ianne 2.0 was just that: plans that didn’t go anywhere.
Glancing at her friend as they headed for the gymnasium where auditions were being held, Train sighed at the sight of Ianne’s pallor. “It’s going to be all right. This is going to be a piece of cake for you.” She meant every word. Only she and the other girls knew how much Ianne had loved to dance but couldn’t because of her dad.
Ianne didn’t answer.
“Remember when you first took classes with Middy and me?”
A smile cracked on Ianne’s lips. Of course she remembered that. The only way she had been able to pay for those classes was by lying to her dad about taki
ng martial arts lessons. When she saw Train’s eyes twinkling, Ianne’s smile widened. “I know what you’re thinking…”
Train burst into laughter. “Oh God, Ianne, you were so freaking incredible. Every time your dad would ask for a demonstration, you’d actually break a block of wood in front of him!”
She winced. “Yeah, well…it was all for the love of street groove and jazz.”
“Don’t forget tango and belly dancing.”
“That, too.”
Train said gently, “You had bloody knuckles every week just to keep dancing then, Ianne. And you still think you don’t have what it takes to pass today’s auditions?”
The words made Ianne blink furiously. “Don’t make me cry here.”
“You can make it. You will make it,” Train said firmly.
“I wish you could audition with me,” she mumbled.
Her friend’s smile faded. “I wish I could, but you know that part of my life is over.” In a span of two years, Train had transformed from Ms. Fun to Ms. Boring, and the enforced change – as well as what it did to her friend – still made Ianne wince when she thought about it.
“It’s just that…” She bit her lip. “What if I’m not pretty enough? Or fun enough?” That had always been her greatest fear. While most kids dreamt of becoming doctors or athletes or actresses, Ianne had always known that she wanted to be a cheerleader in school and then become the next Bill Gates – Version 2.0 as well, of course.
The physical requirements for cheerleading, she could handle. But the social aspect of it? The Mean-Girls-slash-Bring-It-On persona that every cheerleader seemed to have? Could she really pull that off? More importantly, did she really have to be like that?
They reached the gymnasium, and they stopped upon reaching its huge front doors. Train gave her a nudge. “Stop second-guessing yourself and just do it. Remember what you promised yourself. Alex Rockford would be the last thing you’d lose because you didn’t let yourself try.”
Well, when Train put it like that…
****
Most of the students inside the gymnasium were wearing their high school cheer-dancing uniforms. Two other girls were dressed conservatively like Ianne, with loose comfy tops and jazz pants. Another pair – and a closer look made Ianne realize that they were twins – had on just sports bras and cycling shorts.
