Her mother doesn’t see how smart, funny, beautiful, caring and perfect her daughter is. And Tenley has experienced more than enough of that. How she is able to smile even is sometimes beyond me, but it says a lot about the strong woman she will someday be. I feel sorry for her mom, that she is missing out on having this amazing girl in her life. It saddens me more that Tenley is missing out on her, too.
I know what it’s like to be a motherless child. I even know what it’s like to have a mother who is physically, but not emotionally present. I do not however, know what it’s like to have a mother who hates me so much that she actively tries to make my life miserable. I will never understand that, but I won’t stand by and let it happen either.
I should have just skipped class all afternoon for as much as I got from any of them. Between the plan formulating in my head and the fact that I continued to make sure that I am there after every class, my mind was like a Tenley parade, just different images of her running through my head all afternoon.
We have our last class of the day together, and we walk out hand-in-hand. I help her to get her stuff from her locker, and we walk out to my truck. She has been pretty quiet since lunch, but seems to be comforted in my presence. At least that’s something.
Even the drive home is quiet, though. I am sure she is dreading going home; I know I would be. There is no part of me that wants her to have to be in that house for another second, but I take a little comfort in knowing that things can’t get any worse for her. I know that in her mind, and in mine for that matter, her life is as bad as it’s going to get. And I am going to do everything in my power to make sure that her mother doesn’t have the chance to prove her wrong.
I drop her off about a block away from her house, so her mother doesn’t see that I have given her a ride home, and then I get home so that I can talk to my dad.
As usual, he is working on his laptop in the kitchen.
“Hey bud, how was your day?” he asks me, barely looking up.
“It was… insightful. Do you have a minute?”
He closes his laptop immediately. This is one of the characteristics I love most about my dad. He is there for me always, without hesitation.
“So what’s up?” he asks. “Everything okay?”
“For me, it is. But not for Tenley. She told me a lot more about her mom today, and I have to do something.”
“Well, we have talked about this already; the most you can do is just be there for her when she needs you.”
“How can I do that, though, if her mom doesn’t let her leave the house or talk on the phone? God only knows what she would do if she ever found the phone I gave her. She would probably kill her,” I say only half joking.
“Exaggeration at its finest right there. I get that her mom is messed up, but I think killing her daughter is quite a stretch.”
I tell him what she told me about the abortion and her grandparents, and he just sits there and listens to the whole story, his face growing more concerned with everything I say. By the time I finish talking, I think he is ready to pack up everything we own, walk over there, and take her away himself.
“I don’t know what to tell you, kid. What is it exactly that you want to do?”
“Once I turn eighteen and have access to my trust fund, I am taking her away,” I say with conviction.
“You realize that if you did that, you would be charged with kidnapping. You would be a legal adult and she is still a child in the eyes of the law. Surely her mother would report her missing, and you would probably get arrested. With you in jail, she would be sent back to her mom, and I am fairly certain her life would be considerably worse having tried to leave and you in jail.”
“I am willing to take that chance. I think I have a pretty good plan.”
“Do you want to share this plan with me?”
“No. If I tell you, then if she does report her missing and she and I are both not attending school, they will come and ask you questions. If you don’t know where we are, you won’t have to lie.”
He puts his head in his hands and sits like that for a good five minutes before he looks up at me with tears in his eyes and says the last thing I would ever have imagined.
“You know I love you. Your mom loved you too. I think so much so that she actually thought killing herself was the best thing she could do for you. Suicide is an awful decision, as you know. And I have said that I recognize that same sadness in Tenley. I am going to give you some information now, and what you do with it is your choice. Before your mom and I got married, Grandma and Grandpa bought a cottage for your mom in North Carolina. We still own that house, although the only people who have been there for twenty years are the cleaning people. The deed for the house is in your mom’s maiden name, so it would be virtually untraceable if someone were to try to find a missing person. It is located on the beach, but there are only a few houses within a few miles of it. If someone desired, it would be a great place to hide. Having said that, I am not encouraging you to do this, and I am not giving you my blessing. I do know that I did everything in my power to help your mom and that it wasn’t enough. I also know that you feel that you are in that same position. There is a very good chance that you will not be able to save her, and I need you to understand that. Even if you take her away, she will still have to deal with the emotional repercussions. You will be the only one she has to lean on, and from experience, that can be very overwhelming. I am afraid that she will pull you down with her.”
“What if I can pull her up with me? Isn’t it worth at least trying?”
“Yes. It is. I need to know that you will let me help in any way I can. We can get prepaid phones so we can call each other if needed.”
“Prepaid phones? Wow, you seem to have quite a bit of this already thought out.”
“Let’s just say I know you pretty well. I liquidated some of the money that I had tucked away. If we take all the money or even a considerable amount out of your trust fund, they will no doubt start looking at you a lot closer. You have only known each other a few days, and I am hoping that at this point, it would be viewed as a mere coincidence that you have both gone missing at the same time.”
“Thank you, Dad. It means a lot to me that you are supporting this. I just know that I have to save her. I can’t go through another person I love killing herself. I just can’t”
“I am not supporting your decision. Don’t confuse my suggestions for support. I think this is a bad idea, but I understand why you feel so strongly about it.”
“I will miss you.”
“I will miss you, too. Just be careful, and know that sometimes there is no human force that can save someone once they get to a certain point. And if she does kill herself, you need to know that it’s not your fault. And don’t you dare pull some kind of modern day Romeo-and-Juliet act either. Got it?”
“I will save her. I have to.”
“This conversation never happened. Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to go put the deed, some cash, and two prepaid cellphones in a duffle bag in my office for no reason,” he says as he gets up and starts walking toward the basement.
“Chase?” he turns back.
“Yeah, Dad?”
“I am proud of you.”
“Thanks.”
And with that, he turns and walks down the stairs.
I have never been so scared in my life, but again I can feel my mom’s presence, and I know with all my heart that this is what I have to do and that Tenley and I will both be okay.
I wonder again what is going on at her house right now, and I look over in the hope of seeing her pretty face sitting in the window. But her curtains are closed, and it looks like the light is off. I grab my phone and shoot her a quick text asking if she is okay, but I get no response.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Tenley
The walk home from the park seems shorter than normal. Now that I know what I am going to do, it feels as if a huge weight has been lifted from my sho
ulders. I feel free now that I no longer need to worry about my future; I only need to worry about my ending.
Now, I just need to figure out the how, when, and where. I have given this some thought in the past, enough to have done a bit of research, and there are a few options that I have ruled out.
I can’t shoot myself, because I don’t have access to a gun. Also, unless I do it exactly right, I risk just being left damaged. Too risky.
The idea of slitting my wrists seems doable, but again, unless I do it deep enough in the right direction and long enough, I could just lose a lot of blood, and then everyone would assume that I had done it incorrectly, intentionally, as a cry for help. I am not interested in having people look at me with any more pity in their eyes than they already do. So strike that idea.
I could hang myself. I read somewhere that that is a very quick way to die. However, I also read that it makes your eyes pop out of your head or something equally disgusting. No. No popped-out eyes. Gross.
This leaves me with pills. Not messy and seems like it would be a peaceful death, doesn’t leave a big mess or anything. And since my mom has dealt with back problems for the last five years, she should have enough pills in her bathroom to get it done.
I am walking into the driveway as I come to my conclusion regarding how to do it and decide to think about the rest later. I never even think to look over to see if Chase is home. It occurs to me that I am going to be in trouble when I walk in the door for just taking off like that and embarrassing her, but I don’t really care.
To my surprise, Rick is still there when I walk in the door. My mother is lying on the couch with her feet in his lap, and he is rubbing her feet. I find this humorous, for some reason. I don’t know how pregnant she is, but since she doesn’t look pregnant in the least, I doubt that her feet hurt from the added weight at this point. Of course, I have never been pregnant, so who am I to judge? Still, I find way too much humor in this picture before me.
“Tenley, what are you doing here? I thought you would be gone for the night?” my mother says as though she normally wouldn’t freak out about my leaving the house.
I want to punch her in the face. I want to expose her for being absolutely fricking ridiculous in the way that she is currently treating me like a human being, when she normally treats me like I am less than a death row inmate. But I say nothing. I just smile and nod and walk up to my room like the good little girl that I am expected to be.
I resist the urge to look over at Chase’s house when I get to my room, but I do check my phone. There is a text from him simply asking where I am. However, it was sent hours ago, and I have no idea what to say. So I don’t respond. Tucking it back under my mattress, I get my pajamas on and lie in bed. My brain is going a mile a minute, so I can’t sleep.
Now that I know how this story is going to end, I can’t decide what I want it to be like for my mother. It’s her fault that I am doing this. It’s her fault that I feel like I have no other choice. However, Chase is a part of my life now, and I want to make sure he knows that he had nothing to do with my decision. I want him to know that this decision was somewhere inside of me way before he came along. And although he claims to love me, he doesn’t know exactly what that means or how messed up I really am. Although I do believe that he believes what he feels for me right now is love, I also know that in the real world, when he would be forced to deal with all of the issues I have, he would no longer love me the way he thinks he does now. He may, in fact, love me, but it would always be in spite of my issues. And I don’t want to be loved in spite of anything. I want someone to love me because of who I am, and again, since I know this will never happen, I am assured that my choice is the right choice. With all of these thoughts roaming through my head, I don’t feel bad; I don’t feel guilty. I feel… I don’t know, happy. I know that this decision to kill myself is what is best for everyone. I have no question about this. I know. For a fact. That every person I have had contact with in this life will be better off without me in it. I want so badly to do it right now, to save everyone from my presence immediately, but I know I can’t do that.
I need to plan this. I have the “how” figured out, but I still need to figure out the “where” and the “when.” I feel like the “where” and the “when” really need to be thought out. I don’t want just anyone to find me, and I don’t want it to just be some random time of the day. I want the “where” and the “when” to have meaning. I want my mother to be able to look at both and know exactly why I did what I did, when and where I did it.
When I wake up in the morning, I feel alone. Getting ready is a chore, and I am dreading having to face Chase. In my heart I am afraid that this will hurt him, that he will somehow feel responsible. But my head reminds me that everything he has said and done is somehow not real, and that just like everyone else, he will fail me. It’s just a matter of time.
He pulls in the driveway today, knowing that my mother has already left for work; and when I get in the truck, he seems unbelievably happy. So happy in fact that he doesn’t even notice the giant cloud that seems to be following me around today. He just does his thing, stops at Starbucks, and carries on, as though I am not even there. Whatever it is that has him in such a good mood is untouched by my bad mood.
I get to school. There are people all around me, yet I feel so alone, that no one sees me. Not even Chase. He is with me every second he can be, yet it is as though he doesn’t even realize I am there.
No one knows the pain I am feeling.
No one knows I would rather be dead.
No one knows I feel invisible.
No one knows my whole life is a mistake.
No one knows that no one cares.
No one knows that no one else knows, either. Everyone assumes that someone else must know me. Someone else must know what is going on with me. Someone else must know why I have no friends. Someone else must know why I never go out. Someone else must know why I am always alone… always… alone.
In the end, no one cares. It affects no one. It affects me. No one else.
And everyone else is okay with that, because it doesn’t affect them.
I know that if I were dead tomorrow, no one, not one person, would care.
My life has never been worth anything since the day it started, but my death will have meaning.
How do you make a life that was worth nothing to anyone mean everything in death?
I have no idea, but I am determined to figure it out.
And I will figure it out.
I will make my life that was worth nothing to anyone mean everything to everyone. Okay, well maybe not everyone, but at least one person. I will make my life that while I was living meant nothing to anyone, in death, mean everything to her.
That. Is. My. Goal.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Chase
Now to decide when to tell Tenley my plan. I have a little over a week before I turn eighteen, but now I don’t even know if I have to wait that long if my dad has everything arranged already.
I want to give her enough time to process the idea before we actually leave, but I know that somewhere in her head she still thinks I can’t save her. I don’t want her to overthink it and do something crazy. She was really off all day today, but I am so excited about my plan that I had to just pretend I didn’t notice. I knew that if she told me anything else, I would take her right now, and I can’t do that. Not yet.
My phone dings with a text, and it is Tenley just saying “hi.” I ask her how things are going over there, and she responds with “same as usual.” Apologizing for being so out of touch this morning, I explain that I have a big surprise for her and ask her when we can get together again.
We decide on Friday, and she asks if we can go to the airport again. That seems like the perfect time to tell her. My birthday is on Tuesday, so I can tell her, have a few more days, and leave the next weekend if I can wait that long.
I have spent so much time thinking abou
t this and planning, that it hasn’t occurred to me until just now that maybe she won’t want to go with me. I know how I feel about her after only these few days, but what if she isn’t as sure? I guess if I were her, I would take any chance I could get to get away, but that’s just me.
She says she loves me. I have no reason not to believe that, so I really do think she will be just as happy about this plan as I am.
I picture our future together and can’t help but smile. I can picture her dancing around in the kitchen, attempting to cook for me; and I can also picture her failing and sitting together, laughing on the floor while we wait for the smoke to clear. I picture us sitting outside by the ocean together, her reading, me drawing. I picture her lying with her head in my lap and my playing with her hair while she tries to stay awake. In all of these daydreams, she is happy. That is the whole point, for her to be happy and not to have any worries. To just be herself and to know that she is loved and cherished. And even if something happens, and she is sad, I want her to know that that’s okay. That she can cry, laugh, dance, sing, whistle, sit, stand, or lie down; whatever she wants is fine by me. Everyone should be able to live that way, but especially her.
If I continue to sit here and picture our future together, I am never going to make it to Friday without telling her. I walk upstairs to my room, and my eyes are drawn to her window as they are every time I come in here. I see her sitting in her window, and I smile knowing that these are her last days of sitting that far away from me. I grab my phone and text her.
Chase: I love it when you sit in the window like that. You look so beautiful.
Tenley: thanks
Chase: What are you doing? It looks like you are writing something?
Tenley: Yup, writing.
Chase: Are you ok? You seem weird?
Tenley: I’m fine.
Chase: Are you sure?
Tenley: I am. I am headed to bed soon. It’s been a long few days. My mom isn’t home, so I don’t have to get her permission.
Chase: Must be a nice change for you. Do you want to come over?
Clouds That Were (Weathered Hearts) Page 10
