“Fine, what do you want me to do? Hitch my skirt up and write my phone number on my arse?”
“It would work.”
“It might get me into trouble.”
“Prude.”
“Ha-ha, prude.” Em grinned at Jess. “By the way, I’m all done.”
“Wow, about time.” Jess laughed and changed the subject, and they nattered all the way up to Town Hill.
Ryan stood behind her as they went into the busy club, and she felt him right there. Before, she had felt wary and discomforted by him, but she must have been getting used to his presence, she relaxed into it, finding a comforting silent strength, and that notion unnerved her.
They joined the other guys with their drinks, who had already snagged a table. No one said a word to Kevin, but they touched glasses with each other, it was all there unsaid, but understood.
She wondered what these men had been through, what horrors and pain, and the devastation in its wake. How could she comprehend such a thing?
Jess and Em lined up their shots.
Lewis spoke up. “Do you guys always do shots?” they smiled and downed the first one.
“Whenever humanly possible,” Em said as they clinked glasses.
They chatted, flirted, eyed up the talent, took the piss, but all the while Ryan was quiet, unobtrusive, and she could just feel him there.
“Come on my feet aren’t numb yet, let’s dance.”
Em and Jess danced, being goofy one minute and into the music the next. The guys talked and watched them. Em was a good dancer, making it hard not to watch her.
Ryan just stared at his beer, determined not to stare at her again. He let himself look up once. His hair fell forward a little, hiding his eyes.
A guy was putting his hands around Em’s waist, and she shrugged away from him. He didn’t take no for an answer, and as he moved to her waist again, Ryan sat up straight, the others saw then too, all on alert. She wasn’t theirs, but she was with them, and her usual male buffer in the form of Dan wasn’t there. Em’s face went flat and had that cold dark look in her, the one that she focused on him. She pinched his wrist, her nails digging in, the guy’s face contorted in pain, she reached up to whisper something in his ear, she jerked her head to their table, and all the men stood on instinct. Ryan took a step forward.
The man’s face grimaced as she tightened her grip on his wrist. He put his other arm up in surrender. Most of the dancers saw the exchange and backed away. Em let him go, he rubbed his wrist, and Ryan could see he was mouthing words at her, but Em just smiled.
Before he knew it, he was walking over. He just stood and scowled at the man.
“Off you fuck, you fanny.” Em made sure she said it in the quiet moment at the end of the song before the beat picked up in the next. Jess laughed and kissed Em’s cheek.
“I love you.”
“Thank you.” Em turned to Ryan as the slug moved off. “You didn’t need to come over. But thanks.”
“I,” he blinked, awkwardly turned, and sat back down as Jess hugged Em.
“This is why we need Dan.”
“Fuck it. No more dancing. Let’s get shitfaced.”
“You okay?” uneasy glances were exchanged as they sat back down.
“Happens all the time, it’s fine. That’s why we rope Dan in. If you’re already dancing with a guy, you don’t tend to get hassled as much.”
Fresh shots were put down, and not to be outdone, the men joined in.
“Well,” Carl looked at Ryan, grinned, and looked back at Em, “you are a very beautiful woman, seem confident, I can understand people trying to pull you.”
Em’s bitch face reappeared, and she quirked a brow. “So it’s okay to be pawed then?”
“No, that’s not what, I should stop now, right?”
“Yeah, but to be honest, it’s mostly about the tits.”
Ryan choked on his drink and Carl slapped his back. Jess was hysterical. Even Em gave in, giggling on her stool.
Everyone was several drinks in and relaxed.
“On that note, I need the ladies.” Jess followed, both girls were a little unsteady, as they weaved through the crowd, clinging to the other.
“I miss Dan, but I have to admit, I am enjoying flirting with them.”
“I thought Ryan would die when you mentioned your tits.”
Em grinned. “They all gawp at them, but I can’t refer to them. I find it odd. They’re only boobs, and they’re not that big. I’m not going to hose everyone down with milk, and they don’t speak. Mind you I think that’s the problem, some men believe that it’s the tits that talk.”
They chatted with some of the other girls in the restroom as they reapplied lippy, adjusted dresses, and tottered back to the table. The table went quiet.
“No, no, don’t stop talking about us on our account.” Jess rolled her eyes.
“We were trying to convince our friends here,” Carl pointed to Ryan and Kevin, “that they need to start dating.”
“That’s a good idea.” Jess smiled at Kevin, and for Em, the room spun.
Ben, the quiet one, but pleasant and sweet in his manner, was loosened up enough to speak.
“What about Ryan, Em? Do you think he should start dating again?” it took him a little longer than it should to say it.
She winked at him and turned to Ryan. She studied his face, and feeling bold, put her fingers between his brows again and tried to de-scowl him.
“Nope, it really is no good. I can’t see any hope until you do something about that.” What followed Em would regret immediately.
She was having a great time and was more than tipsy. She stared into his eyes, put her hands on his cheeks, and he froze, as his face took on something else. Ignoring it, Em leant over and kissed the place where her fingers had been and left a huge kiss mark there as she made a loud kissing noise.
He was not amused but ticked off. Her eye flickered, and her buzz vanished, mental sirens went off, but she pulled it back in seconds.
“Nope, see, he still wants to kill me. Never mind.” Jess caught the fake tone to her voice.
“I’m done. We need to eat pizza, wear pyjamas, and talk drunk shit until we pass out.”
“Sounds good.” A chorus of protests followed.
Jess turned to Em and nodded. They made their goodbyes, left, and made their way towards the pizza place they favoured along the end of Town Hill with all the takeaway places, next to the taxi rank.
“I nearly kissed his mouth, I nearly fucking kissed him. Why did I do that, why is that something I would do? He was almost civil to me, and now he’ll go back to being a nob-face.”
Jess laughed as they weaved through the crowds. “I don’t know, he looked interested, I don’t think you read him right.”
Em didn’t answer.
They waited for their order and talked bollocks with the other drunks.
“Oh shit off,” Em said it a little louder than she intended as the guys weaved through the crowd in their direction with Ryan behind them.
“We meet again, ladies.” Carl beamed, eying Jess. Em didn’t say anything as Jess chatted with them. The girls were induced to stay with the boys to eat, and they crowded round a table. Em sat as far as she could from Ryan, but she glanced at him and noticed he still had her lipstick on his face.
She ate her fill, talking with Jess, and she turned to her, Jess laughed and wiped something off Em’s mouth, and she laughed. Ryan watched her. It was a strangely tense moment as Em felt a creeping awareness and mortification in her. She shifted.
“You okay?” Lewis was sweet, and she almost wished she were attracted to him, or Kevin, or fuck, even Carl or Ben, not Ryan.
“Yeah, my shoes are killing me, and I’m tired, I’ve been working a lot lately.”
“So what is it you do?” the question. The question she avoided when she was sober.
“I write.”
“What do you write?”
> “Anything, I’m a pen for hire. Freelance work. Some fiction. Nothing special.”
“Wow, anything I would have read?” that would depend on your tastes Carl, she thought, and knowing what she did about him, it was not beyond being possible.
“Doubt it, mostly I type shit up, you know. I make a living. Just.” Liar.
Ryan eyed her, catching her being evasive. Carl turned his charm to Jess.
“I work in PR, and it’s dull as. What do you all do?”
“Ryan and I work at the Capta House Rehab Hospital. I’m one of the trainers there, and Ryan is head of PT and Rehab training.”
“Wow. Must be rewarding.”
“Yeah, those guys were us once.” Em smiled at Carl, he had an easy way about him, but not too smooth. “Lewis has a garage and Ben works with him.”
“You sound like London or is it Essex?”
Em blinked at Kevin’s question.
“Both, I lived in London for a long time, but my dad lived here. I heard he was sick. I hadn’t seen him for a long time, so I came up. Just to see him, but he needed me, and it was good. I got to spend the last few months with him.”
“Shit, I’m sorry.”
“Thanks, it was a year ago, so I’m doing better.”
“So you stayed, fell in love with Chadford?” Ben sounded doubtful.
“Yeah, something like that.” Jess rubbed the back of her hand on Em’s arm.
Em felt tired, a wave of it ran over her, she was usually asleep hours ago, and the cool evening was so lovely. She was drunk and full of food. Sleep beckoned.
She put her head on the table and closed her eyes.
“Uh-oh.” Jess eyed her friend over the last bite of the pizza. “Em. Wake the fuck up.”
“Yep.”
“Do not make me carry you.”
“Yep.”
The guys smiled, except Ryan, who ground his teeth at her.
A few minutes later when everyone had finished, Em woke from her micro-nap, and stood, albeit, with difficulty, a large curl fell free from her hairpins.
“Em, hair.”
“Yep.” She felt the curls as she blinked slowly and started pulling the pins out, she shivered when they got outside, her hair fell free, and she ran her fingers through it. When she peeled her eyes open again, Ryan was watching her. Em held his eye, daring him to speak, but he didn’t. Fear crawled up her throat, and she mentally punched herself. She knew what he wanted, she knew how she looked, and she was always somewhere between appreciating it and hating it. It was time to get over the past, and to be Em again.
“You have lipstick on your face,” she smirked.
He ignored her, she drew a deep breath at the rebuff, and Kevin, Ryan, Jess, and Em fell in the cab all together, but the cabbie wouldn’t let Kevin in the front, having a bag of food on the seat. They were still shouting farewells through the window as the cabbie took off.
Kevin sat one side, with Jess pinned next to him, with Em facing Jess, and was virtually sitting on Ryan’s lap. Em thought it was hilarious. Ryan did not. The girls laughed and spoke quietly. The more she laughed, the more she moved about, and it made Ryan rigidly uncomfortable.
“For God sake sit still.”
In her tired delirium and determination, Em didn’t register his annoyance. She awkwardly turned around to face him too close to his face. Her body pressed to his as they turned a corner, and she realised he was hard. Huh, now there was a development.
“I don’t think you hate me.” She smiled a drunk happy grin, and Jess was laughing with Kevin about something.
Something in Ryan snapped, he was too close, too uncomfortable, and too embarrassed. He had wanted to kiss her in the club, and watching her sleepily take her hair down was almost too much. His voice was mean and loud.
“Enough! You’re right I don’t hate you, I fucking loathe you, I can’t bear to be near you, so cut out your shit, no one’s impressed, the only reason the guys like you is so they can stare at the tits you love referring to.”
The car was silent. A flash of something fell across her face, but there was no retort, and no playing with him. He was instantly sorry, but he couldn’t speak.
“Of course, I’m sorry.” Her voice was calm, even, and hurt. She turned back to Jess, lifted herself up, and Jess slid into the seat, and Em sat on her lap.
Ryan closed his eyes and remained calm, and wanted to punch something; he was so stupid. He bolted out the car and paid through the driver’s window. Em and Jess disappeared.
“I know, man, don’t say a word.” Kevin wisely said nothing.
Four. The cringe factor
Em woke to bright sun, and warm panting in her ear. “Cap, for crying out loud, get off.” She sat up. The entire mortification of the previous evening came into sharp focus. She winced.
Jess sat on the couch watching TV when Em more or less crawled out of her room. Neither spoke. She sipped her coffee and automatically began breakfast. Jess loved crashing with Em for two reasons. Firstly to get away from her housemate, who was annoying, and secondly, Em’s hangover fry-up.
Eggs, bacon, sausages, fried bread, mushrooms, and grilled tomato. They sat down together and ate while Em necked juice and painkillers.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, because if I do, I’ll die of humiliation. Here’s the deal. We do not ever talk about it, or refer to them. I plan to avoid them like the plague.”
“I don’t think he…”
“I don’t want to fall out over this, but I mean it, Jess.”
“Sure, Em. They’re dicks. We’re done.”
“Thanks. Hey, be friends with them if want, I just don’t want to know about it. At all.”
Jess nodded.
The girls did their best impersonations of sloths for the remainder of the day, and Jess bailed in the early evening.
It was cooler again, and shaking off her hangover, Em put on her workout gear, taking Cap for a run. The sun was starting to sink, and the brilliant low sun caught her eyes, even with her shades on, but she ignored the glare. She zoned out, Cap kept up with her, music pounded, and her heart with it. Her breath synced to the beat found herself back on the main road more than an hour later, and she slowed her pace. Cap’s tongue lolled as they walked back.
Cap lapped up a bowl of water, and Em chugged a bottle. She stretched out and lay in the middle of her rug in the living room.
Instead of being wiped, she was keyed up, and the dummy called, she’d renamed it Ryan, and Cap went to sleep instantly, unfazed by the violence Em doled out.
She stood panting twenty minutes later, sweat rolling down her skin, muscles screaming. She heard the door and contemplated ignoring it, but she picked up a towel and wiped her face, and throwing the towel over her shoulder, she went down.
She looked out the window, and he stood there holding something. He noticed the movement, and she withdrew as he knocked again.
“Please.”
“Why? You made yourself perfectly clear. It’s okay, I understand. I don’t want to be friends with you guys. So you can go.”
“I’d like to talk to you, and I’d rather not do it through a door.”
“Honestly, I’m telling you to fuck off, I’m not interested in discussing anything, and if you don’t take no for an answer and leave me alone, I’ll call the police.”
He made no reply, and a few seconds later he retreated. Her hands shook. She wrestled out of her overly tight workout gear, giving into her frustration and anger as she did so. By the time she was free, she was crying and sobbing in the tepid water of her shower.
Cap snuggled up to her on the bed in the dark, and she finally went to sleep.
She felt like crap on Sunday, more than Saturday, and seeing the lawn longer and weeds creeping in the back, she spent the day in it weeding and mowing. When she was finished, she put on her broad black sunhat and a little black cotton playsuit. She put her lo
unge chair out and slathered herself in sunscreen. Almost like being on holiday.
Em read for a few hours and drifted off. She woke to barking, with a huff, she got up, still half-asleep, and went in. She took off her hat and pushed up her glasses. In her relaxed state, she didn’t check the window but opened the door. He stood there.
Ryan-wanker-arse-face.
She didn’t speak but gave him her best archness.
“You didn’t pick up your plant. It’ll die.” She scowled to where he was looking. A slightly droopy white lupin sat on her porch.
“I don’t want it. I don’t want anything from you.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of what I said.” Contrite wouldn’t cut it.
“You don’t get it; it doesn’t matter if you meant it or not. You said it. That’s what counts. Look, you seem to be going through something, and I’m not asking for anything, I don’t have space for other people's problems, and I’m sorry if I provoked you.
“I gave you an out, but you’ve turned up to my home two days in a row, demanding fuck knows what from me. What is it?”
He picked up the plant and gave it to her. “Please take it as an apology.”
“Fine. Thank you. Are we done?”
“May I explain? Nothing else.”
She closed her eyes and sighed, folding her arms. “Fine.”
“I’m not good at this. New people.” He glanced at her.
“Really?”
“Yeah.” She just stared at him, her face blank. “When I…I left the army I had some problems, but I’m not unique, I’m okay.” He stopped. “So, I’m not asking for anything, for me. But I lied about what the others think of you. They like you. Kevin told them what I’d said. They gave me a lot of shit about it and were right to. They do not think that way about you, I swear it.”
She nodded. “Okay, fine.”
“I’ll try to stay out of your way, and I’ll try not to be a dick to you when we are in the same room. I’ll work on my manners.” He sighed, finding it genuinely awkward to speak to her.
“Okay.”
“Well, I’ll leave you alone.” He stood and left. She held the lupin, smiling at the little buds as they peeped. She went straight out and planted it. She loved lupins, not that he needed to know that.
The Way Home Page 3
