by Dean, Taylor
Her tears blinded her. Her sobs turned into gut wrenching spasms. Her determination to get away only became stronger. She pressed the gas even harder, watching the speedometer reach seventy. At the end of the long road that made up Josh’s driveway, she came to a screeching stop before reaching the t-bone entrance to the highway, pondering the concept that she was now an auto thief. Maybe Josh would press charges and she’d live the rest of her life in jail, bars separating them instead of a lack of love.
But Josh had asked her to leave. And so she was.
So there.
She’d leave his truck at the airport. He could pick it up later. It wasn’t as if she was really stealing it. Marisa pulled out onto the highway and was doing eighty before she knew it.
I’m not in love with you.
Josh didn’t love her, he didn’t want her. He was trying to end things kindly, trying to end things on a good note. He doesn’t realize there’s no good way to end it when one side doesn’t want it to end. Things were bound to get ugly.
A few famous quotes wandered through her mind in that moment. Like, I’m just not that into you, or it’s beyond my control, or it’s not you, it’s me, or we can still be friends.
Go to hell, Joshua Kensington.
Maybe he’d never realized how much she really loved him. Maybe he looked on her as a pleasant diversion, a summertime fling. She must have shocked the hell out of him with her response to his decision to send her home early. But she didn’t understand how he couldn’t have known, not after everything they’d shared. There was such an intense passion between them. Of course, he was the only man she’d ever experienced these kinds of things with. Maybe it wasn’t good between them and she just didn’t know it. There must be something more out there, something she didn’t realize they were missing, but he must know it all too well.
She wanted him to be the villain, but, well, he simply wasn’t. He was just being honest. How could she fault him for it? If it wasn’t there for him, then it wasn’t there. She couldn’t make him love her.
She was driving too fast and she knew it. The numbing pain radiating in her chest left her feeling as if she wanted to start screaming and never stop. There wasn’t a time in her life she’d ever felt so out of control, so wild, so crazed with emotion that she didn’t know how to handle it or what to do. It hurt so much, the pain felt physical instead of emotional, actual literal pain, as if her appendix was about to burst, or her heart was about to explode, or her head was about to hemorrhage. Or all of the above.
Cross traffic swept across the road lazily, some old-timer entering the highway at five miles per hour. Clearly, he didn’t realize how fast she was going. She stomped on the brakes aggressively as her back end fishtailed slightly. Why is it that no one was ever in a hurry in…Rancherville? Stupid relaxed lifestyle. What was so good about it anyway? City life was a hundred times more exciting with a hundred more things to do and see. Heck, living at the ranch you couldn’t even make a midnight run to Taco Bell when you were craving a burrito supreme. What kind of life was that? Why would she want to live on Josh’s boring old ranch?
Because I love him. And wherever he is, I want to be. I’d follow him to the North Pole. I’d follow him anywhere.
It was a good thing she’d left when she had. She wasn’t above falling to her knees and begging him to let her stay. It would’ve been a pathetic scene, as embarrassing to herself as it would’ve been to him. Where was her pride? Her dignity?
She’d never forget the feel of his arms around her, the feel of his lips on hers, kissing her with passion, with emotion. She’d never forget lying in front of the fire, with him on top of her, his fingers running through her hair as he kissed her almost reverently, as if he was in awe of her. The feel of being loved by him; there was nothing like it in the world. Another bout of tears took over then, leaving her unable to catch her breath. Muscles she didn’t know she owned screamed at her in rebellion at the force of her sobs. Pay attention to your driving, Marisa. She gripped the steering wheel, concentrating on keeping the truck between the lines and watching for upcoming traffic. Thank goodness, there wasn’t much. It was easy driving. The straight, flat highway to the ranch was practically deserted. Why would anyone in their right mind drive out here to the middle of nowhere? Certainly not for sightseeing. Unless they liked a view of flat, featureless land that continued off into nothingness. If you walked too far into the never ending horizontal distance, you’d probably fall off the edge of the earth. Columbus was wrong after all.
Marisa didn’t laugh at her crazy thoughts. As a matter of fact, she cried even harder. Her cell phone came to life, making her jump and the truck swerve dangerously. She plucked it from her purse, saw Joshua’s name printed in big black letters across the screen, and carelessly tossed it out the window. She wanted a new phone anyway. No time like the present.
A glance at the speedometer told her she was doing ninety-five. Yikes. Time to slow down. It wasn’t as if Josh was hot on her heels, begging her to return. Quite the opposite. He’s probably breathing a huge sigh of relief that he doesn’t have to face her histrionics anymore. No more explanations needed. ‘I’m not in love with you’ is quite enough, thanks. A fleeting look at the rearview mirror displayed swollen eyelids and a red splotchy face. Lookin’ good, Marisa. How was she going to face an airplane full of curious onlookers? Perhaps she could say that her parents had died. It would be the truth. They didn’t need to know it was thirteen years ago. They didn’t need to know how traumatic it had been.
How could he not have known how much I loved him? It was then that Marisa reminded herself that he’d never said he loved her. Not once. She was the one who had assumed they had a future together. It was all in her imagination.
I am Joshua’s Folly, not the beautiful piece of land that makes up his backyard, me, in the flesh. Joshua’s Folly.
Suddenly, out of nowhere it seemed, a slow moving tractor came into view, taking up the roadway. Marisa veered to the left to pass, but oncoming traffic made her swerve back into her lane. She slammed down on the brakes, but the tractor was quickly approaching her front end. At the last minute, when she knew a collision was imminent, she turned the wheel at a sharp angle, causing the truck to turn sideways and slide off the road. It was the only choice, there was simply nowhere else to go. The truck hit the dirt at a smashing speed, causing Marisa’s head to hit the ceiling as she was bumped out of her seat with surprisingly violent force. She lost control of the vehicle then as it raced across the terrain in a mind numbing ride that jolted and bounced her as if she was nothing but a rag doll. And then it ended abruptly when the car came to a screeching halt as it hit a ditch, the front end curling up like an accordion.
The airbag blew up in her face and everything went black.
–15–
Frantically, Josh sped down the highway after Marisa. “Why’d you let her go, Jake? She shouldn’t be driving right now.”
“Sorry, Josh. I didn’t expect her to jump in and drive away. It happened really fast. Why can’t she drive?”
“We…we had a fight. I know she’s upset. It’s not safe.” Josh was unwilling to say any more than that. All he knew was that he needed to catch up to her and explain. He owed her that much. There had to be some way of making this work. Maybe she could go and do what she wanted to in life with the promise that she could return when she was ready to settle down. He’d wait for her. And after she’d fulfilled her dreams, she’d be ready to stay at the ranch for the rest of her life. It would work, wouldn’t it?
It was time to sit down and discuss their relationship—put it all out on the table. “Marisa, the ranch is an isolated existence. Do you really think you’ll be happy here?”
Why hadn’t he just been honest and upfront?
He couldn’t let her leave without telling her that he loved her. If they were going to part ways, at least she could leave knowing that he did have feelings for her. What had he been thinking? I’m such an idiot.
> “Maybe it’s better to let her go,” Jake commented. “I…what’s that?”
“Oh, God…” Josh pulled over and stared, aghast, at the wreckage of his truck. He was out the door in less than a second, running to Marisa’s side.
Please let her be okay, please let her be okay.
A few cars had stopped and several people were already surrounding the truck. “She’s alive,” one of them yelled.
The sight that met him was not one he would soon forget. Marisa was unconscious—and there was so much blood. She lay there so still, so lifeless, unresponsive and motionless. A moment of panic left him tearing at the driver’s door, frantically attempting to open it and get to Marisa.
It wouldn’t budge.
Jake held his shoulders. “Josh, help will be here soon. They’re sending an air ambulance. Calm down.”
But Josh couldn’t calm down. The sight of her broken and beaten was almost more than he could bear.
“Just talk to her, Josh. She shouldn’t be moved till help gets here.”
The window was broken, allowing him access to her. He reached in and held her limp hand, his fingers automatically reaching for her pulse. When he felt the steady rhythm beating slowly, but surely, he felt great relief pass through him. How had he ever thought he could live without her? “Hang on, Marisa. Please, hang on.” He felt so helpless. He wanted her back. He wanted to see her smile and laugh. He wanted to kiss her and feel her kissing him back. He wanted to hear her tell him that she loved him again. No one had ever fought for him the way she had. She loved him, she really loved him.
One of the bystanders handed him a towel. He held it to her head as it quickly turned red. He applied pressure, firm and steady, remembering that head wounds bleed profusely.
“Marisa…Marisa…” he whispered her name tenderly, his breathing ragged. For some reason the vision of her jumping on his bed in her pink pajamas at two a.m. yelling, “Wake up, Kensington, it’s you and me time!” wandered through his mind. He loved every minute of their two a.m. hot chocolate escapades. Life with her was so…fun. “Marisa…” he said again.
No response. She was unconscious, gone from him, as if she didn’t exist. He wanted her in his life. What was he doing? What made him think he could ever live without her? He wanted to hold her in his arms and feel her heart beating thunderously—the way it often did when they were close—against his chest. Please live, Marisa. I promise I’ll never leave you again.
Marisa slowly opened her eyes, pain engulfing her and leaving her gasping for air. “Mom, Dad,” she mumbled, feeling confused..
“It’s okay, Marisa. You’re going to be okay.”
Memories rushed to the surface. It was Josh’s voice, his deep, rich timbre—comforting, soothing. He was here, at her side, and for that she breathed a sigh of relief. For just a moment she’d thought…no, that was a very long time ago. A lifetime ago.
Josh was telling her that everything was going to be okay, attempting to soothe her with words. But it wasn’t okay, it would never be okay again. Josh didn’t want her. He didn’t love her. Marisa moaned aloud—not from physical pain. Josh leaned into the car in an attempt to get closer. The sound of a helicopter permeated the air overhead.
“Help is here, sweetheart. You’re not alone, I’m here with you, baby, and I’m not leaving.”
Josh. He was pale and he looked scared. She’d never seen him look that way before. She’d never seen him lose his cool. Not once. Breaking a vase didn’t count, not in comparison with this.
“Josh,” she whispered. She brought a trembling hand to her throbbing forehead. When she pulled her hand away, it was covered with bright, red blood. “I’m b-bleeding.”
“Don’t try to talk. Save your energy, sweetheart. Everything will be okay, I promise.”
Josh had never used so many endearments. She liked it. She didn’t want to die. She couldn’t die, not before she’d had the chance to make love with Josh. She had to survive, she needed to survive, she wanted to survive. She wanted to have children with him, have a life with him. This can’t be the end, she’d hardly had the chance to live.
Really live.
She was so close to home. Just like her parents. Just like the astronaut.
But then she remembered one very important detail. Josh’s ranch wasn’t her home.
It never would be.
When Marisa next awoke, she was in the hospital, filled with only hazy memories of a tense helicopter ride with paramedics poking her with needles and asking her questions she didn’t remember giving them answers to. Josh had been at her side, holding her hand, his anxious expression looming over her. “You’re going to be okay, sweetheart,” he kept repeating over and over again, as if trying to convince himself. Marisa remembered looking into his eyes and wishing his love and concern for her could extend beyond the traumatic moment.
Her head pounded with pain and her entire body ached fiercely. When she tried to move, her eyes shot open. Her left leg was in a cast—from her knee down—and movement caused a swift, stabbing pain to radiate up and down its length. She took in her surroundings; the slow beep of the heart monitor, an IV dripping fluids into her body, a beautiful bouquet of flowers by the window, and then her gaze landed on Josh. He sat in a chair next to the bed, unmoving, and he was watching her with worried eyes.
“Hi,” he said with apprehension evident in every fiber of his being.
He didn’t look well, he appeared almost haggard. His shirt was stained with blood—her blood—and his face was rough with stubble.
Marisa didn’t respond, she simply looked upon him with a furrowed brow. He wasn’t hers anymore, maybe he never had been.
“I’m so sorry, Marisa,” he said, almost inaudibly.
She nodded. They continued to get their fill of each other, the air thick with tension, a myriad of emotions between them.
“You broke your leg,” he said softly. “You have a concussion and five stitches on your forehead. You were very lucky.”
Somehow, she didn’t feel very lucky. While his words were comforting, there was an anxious look in his eyes, a look that would almost make her believe he did have feelings for her. He did care for her, she knew he did, evidently just not enough to commit to a life together. For that kind of promise, you had to be in love with the person you were committing to.
And he wasn’t.
Her memory slowly drifted back. The wild ride, being bounced around the truck, thrown about as if gravity no longer existed. The seatbelt was the only thing that had saved her. That and the airbag.
“Mary and Jerome are on their way. They arrive this evening. You should be able to go home in a day or two.”
“Home?”
“To the ranch. The doctor doesn’t want you to travel just yet.”
The ranch was not her home. Josh had asked her to leave. He doesn’t love her. Now he was stuck with her for an indeterminate amount of time as she recovered.
Marisa’s face crumpled and she started to cry. Once she started, it seemed beyond her control to stop.
Josh was immediately at her side. “Marisa, sweetheart, everything’s okay, I promise. Please don’t cry, baby,” Josh consoled.
It didn’t help. Josh called the nurse and she put something in her IV. It was just what she needed—to be sent off into oblivion, to a place where Joshua Kensington adored her and told her he loved her on a daily basis, a minute to minute basis, an every second of every day basis.
Otherwise known as la la land.
It was three days later that she was allowed to leave the hospital. Mary and Jerome had arrived. They were awaiting her homecoming at the ranch. Although they’d spent much of their time at her bedside, she had slept through most of it.
Josh had just arrived to take her back to the ranch and she wondered why he didn’t just let Mary do it. It would save them the awkwardness of being alone. He was doting, albeit restrained. He didn’t touch her or kiss her, he didn’t even hold her hand. That time was over.
Neither one of them acknowledged the elephant in the room. She felt horrible, the muscles in her back and neck, tense from whiplash. It was nothing compared to the pain in her heart. She didn’t want to go with Josh, anywhere, mostly because it was what she wanted more than anything in the world. As it turned out, it didn’t really matter. Due to the pain medicine, she was far too out of it to even notice the passing of time. He carried her to a brand new truck and settled her in the backseat with blankets and pillows.
One thing was already replaced in his life. She’d be next.
The sight of him made her chest constrict. He felt responsible for her accident and was simply taking care of her out of a sense of duty. That’s all.
“How about some lunch?” he asked quietly after pulling the blanket up to her chin, making her feel like a small child.
She shook her head in the negative. The thought of food made her nauseated. She couldn’t even feel her stomach. She felt like one big, massive, throbbing head.
He drove through a fast food place and the next thing she knew he was waking her up to hand her a soda. He’d pulled over and he held the drink for her as he put the straw to her lips. They didn’t speak. What was there to say? She had to admit, the soda settled her stomach and she drank almost all of it, gulping it down quickly. The simple act took all of her strength. She collapsed back into a deep sleep and slept for the entire drive back to the ranch. The two-hour span seemed to happen within the blink of an eye. One moment he was helping her to drink, the next he was waking her up. He took her into his arms and carried her into the house. Marisa rested her head on his shoulder, while imagining being held by him like this under entirely different circumstances.
