by J. L. Ostle
This is stupid.
But I feel mega guilty now.
I don’t even know if it was worth it.
I stay lying on my bed, looking at the ceiling, releasing the odd tear. I was meant to have sex with him and get him out of my head—for him to get me out of his system. But now that I have been with him intimately, I feel that my feelings for him have gotten stronger. I am so stupid to even think that sleeping with him once was a good idea in the first place.
But I wasn’t thinking was I?
I was thinking of my fucking sexual needs.
Cory’s face keeps popping into my head and again tears start to fall. Cory has been there for me, being patient, understanding, loving, and caring. How am I meant to be able to be with him, knowing that I have been with another man? Cory is too good for me, and this has made me realise that I don’t deserve him. He deserves better than what I’m offering him. I need to speak to someone about this so I call Ella, hoping she will answer straight away, and luckily for me she does.
“How come I can feel the drama all the way from here?” she jokes.
“I slept with Sebastian.” I just come straight out with it.
“Please tell me this is a funny joke.”
I cover my mouth with my hand as I suck in my tears. “I fucked up, Ells.”
I hear her sigh. “Oh, Iris. What about Cory? What are you going to do?” She pauses. “But was it good? Please tell me he made you scream and gave you the best sex of your life?”
I remove the phone from my ear and look at her name on the screen, and place the phone back to my ear again. “You serious? I need help, Ella,” I groan, rubbing my forehead with my hand.
“I know, but just tell me the gory details and then I will help.”
I groan. “Yes, it was unbelievable. He fucked me so good that I was screaming his name a few times, and he also has his dick pierced.”
I hear her gasp. “His dick is pierced? Holy shit, now I want a go,” she tries to joke.
“Ells,” I say sternly.
“Sorry, just fanning myself. Okay, well, a cock piercing … now that’s interesting. Okay, so what happened after?”
I lie back down. “He said he was going for a run, literally right after.”
“Ouch. He was blowing you off? What a dickhead.”
“Yeah, so I got dressed and left. I feel like I just made the hugest mistake of my life.”
“But the sex was good?”
“Ells, that isn’t helping right now.”
“Okay, sorry, sorry. Well, the question is, can you live with it and still be with Cory?”
I look over at my wall of photos where I have recently added pictures of Cory and me, and even Sean is in a few as well. I can’t keep this lie and be with him. I know I can’t. “I can’t, Ella, it would eat me alive.” I let out a deep sigh.
“Then you need to end things with him.”
“I know,” I whisper.
I texted Cory after I said goodbye to Ella, telling him that I need to talk to him first thing in the morning. I need to do the right thing, but when it comes to Cara, I have no idea what I am going to do. I am just going to take a step at a time. I am sitting in the campus coffee spot and when I see Cory’s face I feel like I could throw up. I hate that I am about to do this.
“There is my beautiful girl.” He gives me a quick peck on the lips and takes a seat. “Do you want another drink?” he asks me and I shake my head.
“Is it okay if we talk first?”
“Yeah, everything okay?”
I shake my head again, and I don’t mean to, but I end up sobbing, and like the amazing guy he is, he quickly stands and sits next to me.
“What’s wrong? You can tell me.”
Oh, God. “I have done something so horrible, Cory. It is so unforgivable.”
He rubs my back up and down, trying to sooth me. “It can’t be that bad.”
“It is, and because of it, I can’t be with you anymore. I am so sorry, Cory.”
He takes his hand away and looks at me, confused. “You are breaking up with me?”
I nod.
“But I thought we were good together. I have stopped my lifestyle with my brother for you.”
“I know and I’m so sorry.”
He sits back in his original seat and leans his arms on his legs. “You’re sorry? What has brought this on? Have I done something?”
“No, I just told you, I did something wrong and because of what I’ve done, I need to let you go.”
“Tell me what has happened, and I assure you, I will still want to be with you.”
“I know you won’t. Trust me.” I wipe away the tears.
“Tell me, Iris.”
“I can’t.
“Just tell me,” he yells.
“I slept with Sebastian,” I yell back. He looks at me in shock. I start crying again.
“You slept with Sebastian?”
I nod.
“When?”
“I really don’t think …”
“When?” he shouts.
“Last night.”
“Was it the first?”
“Cory, please …” I beg him.
“Iris, just answer me,” he asks calmly.
“Yes. Last night was the first.”
He nods, sitting back down and looks around the room. “Will it happen again?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Then I think I can forgive you.”
Wait what? “What?”
“I can forgive you. If it was just the once, I can forgive it. You told me straight away, which means you care.”
“Of course, I care. But I can’t be with you.”
“What? Why?”
I look at the floor.
“You have feelings for him?”
I look back up with watered eyes. “I think so.”
He nods again. “Does he want to be with you?”
I shake my head. “No, he doesn’t.”
“But you can’t be with me?”
“It’s not fair to you. I’m not in the right state of mind to be in a relationship. I know you don’t deserve this, but I still want you to be my friend. I don’t want to lose you.”
“I really care for you, Iris. I was even to the point that I was falling for you.” Tears start coming again. “You are an amazing person. You fucked up but you are facing the consequences for it. I admire that. I just need some time.”
I nod in understanding.
He stands and comes towards me and bends down, kissing the top of my head. “Will see you around, Iris.”
I watch him go.
The next couple of weeks went in a blur. Sebastian is back to ignoring me and stopped our tutoring sessions, and I can’t even look in Cory’s and Sean’s directions. I even texted Cory saying I could no longer work at the bar. He replied saying he understood and that was the last time I heard from him. I avoid the cafeteria as I can’t sit with Cara—can’t watch her be all loved up with Sebastian knowing what I did, watching her kiss him.
I just can’t.
I head to the library during lunchtimes and I work on all my assignments. I am quite ahead in all my classes, and with me not hanging with anyone, all I do is study or watch movies with my mum. It may be a simple life but it is drama free. I am sitting on the couch with a blanket over me, watching the new season of Vampire Diaries when there is loud knocking on the door. I answer it, seeing Cara standing there in a tight short black dress.
“Cara, what are you doing here?” I walk back to the couch and plonk back down, pulling the blanket back over me.
“I am here to take you out. There is a new club that has opened, and I am taking that ass of yours out.” She sits down next to me.
“I don’t think so. I am going to enjoy my night in with a very hot Damon.”
“I saw Cory today.”
I look at her with wide eyes. “Okay.”
“He told me you two broke up.” She looks at her hands.
<
br /> “Did he tell you why?” I hold my breath.
“No, he didn’t. But I can tell it didn’t end well.”
I release the breath I was holding in. Cory could have dropped me in it but he didn’t. Even now, he is being a good person towards me.
“I wasn’t fully into the relationship thing, that’s all.”
“That’s why I am taking you out. I haven’t seen you for weeks and I miss you.”
Please don’t say that.
“I think this will do you good. We only have a couple of months left of college and then it’s over. Let’s go dance and drink the night away.”
I bite my lip.
“Please? Pretty please?” She bows her head and pouts at me.
“Fine, but I am going to get steaming drunk.” I stand and she claps her hands in glee.
“Yayyyy. Now go and dress sexy.”
I nod. I quickly take a shower and I decide to wear a skin tight red dress that hugs me in all the right places. Since Cory and I broke up, I have to admit the weight has just dropped off me. I think it’s more the guilt than anything. I wave my hair and put on dark makeup. When I come back out, Cara is looking at me in shock.
“Fucking hell, you look hot, and I mean really, really hot.”
I chuckle. “Well, I want to feel good tonight.” I glide my hands down my dress.
“Wearing that, you should. Now let’s get going. I scored us some entry tickets so we don’t need to line up.”
We take a taxi there and it is a huge building with flashing lights called Noize, and there is already a line to get in that is a mile long. Thank God for the tickets or we could have been waiting for at least an hour, if not longer. I loved going clubbing back home, so tonight I just want to drink as much as I can and dance my little butt off.
When we get inside, I start heading towards the bar when Cara takes my hand and guides me in the opposite direction. We walk past the huge dance floor, where people are already dancing to nineties music, towards a few booths and my mouth falls open when I see Anna, Calvin, and the one person I have been trying to avoid.
Sebastian.
“Sorry, we are late, took a little persuading but got this little number to join us.” Cara sits in next to Sebastian and I notice her hold his hand.
“Wow, don’t you look steaming hot.” Calvin takes my hand, pulling me in so I’m sitting next to him. “Hello, stranger.”
I smile at him. “Hi to you too,” I chuckle.
“Where is your lover boy?” Anna asks, sucking on her straw.
“Umm.” I feel like my mouth just dried up.
“Anna, stop it.” Cara scolds her.
“What? I’m just wondering. He has been stuck to her ass since the first day she was here.”
“We split up,” I spit out.
“Oh, really? Why?” she pries.
I look up and see Sebastian watching me and I quickly look at Anna. “It just wasn’t working.” I shrug and she smiles. I mean an evil smile.
“Is it because you couldn’t give him what he needed sexually? Does he need someone else there to fuck someone?” She laughs and I quickly climb over Calvin, grabbing her hair so her face is close to mine.
“Listen to me, you little bitch. I have no idea what your problem with me is, but I am fucking sick of it. You hate me, and that’s fine. I hate you just as much, if not more. You are a nasty person with a black heart. In the whole time I have been here, I have never seen you with a guy who wasn’t just after a quick fuck. And you know why that is?” I grip onto her hair harder and she hisses in pain. “Because you are an ugly person. Maybe not on the outside, but on the inside, and that’s what people see. So get a life, and get out of mine.” I release her and sit back down.
“I am heading to the bar.” I stand up.
“That was fucking hot by the way,” Calvin jokes.
“Calvin,” Anna whines.
“You deserved it. You should be happy she didn’t punch you.”
“I used to get into fights all the time back home, but I’ve calmed down in the past year. I don’t really let girls talk to me like shit and get away with it.” I glare at her and she looks at the floor. “Will be right back.”
I walk to the bar and order myself four tequilas and a bottle of beer. And yes, they are all for me. I am waiting for my beer when I feel those tingles again.
Fuck, what is he doing to me?
“Go away, Sebastian,” I say, not turning around.
“I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
I scoff. “Yeah, I’m great, can’t you tell?” I say sarcastically. I pay the bartender and down the shots, one after another.
“I don’t think alcohol will help.”
I get my change and take a sip of my beer, turning to face him. “Well, I think it will.”
“Did you break up with Cory because of me?”
I burst out laughing, and he looks at me like I’m insane. “It’s not all about you, Sebastian. I ended things because I felt so guilty over what I did. I wouldn’t be able to kiss him, or to even hug him when we watch a movie, knowing I have been with another man. I told him the truth and guess what the funny thing was?” I pause and he shrugs. “He forgave me and still wanted to be with me.” I laugh again. “He cared for me that much that he was willing to let what I did go and make it work. But he deserves better than me and Cara deserves better than you.” I start to walk away but he grabs my arm and pulls me back. I shrug him off.
“Are you going to tell her?”
I look across the room and see Cara laughing with Calvin. She deserves to be with him, not Sebastian, but she’s happy. I won’t be able to stand it if she ever hated me. “No, I’m not going to tell her.”
He releases a breath. “Thank you.”
“I am not doing it for you.”
“I know that. Can we please just try to be friends? Please? For Cara’s sake?”
“Are you being serious? How can we be friends after your dick has been inside me and keep it from my cousin?” I feel the tears prickle my eyes.
“I know. I know this isn’t an ideal situation, but we need to move on from this and you can’t keep avoiding her. She misses you and I hate seeing her unhappy.”
God, this is totally fucked up.
“Please, do this for her. I swear I will prove that I am a good guy. Deep down, I really am.”
“Fine—friends. At least I know you got me out of your system and I’m not worried you will be trying to get in my pants again,” I joke sarcastically and head back to the booth.
I go to the bar every now and then, taking a couple of shots, and I am finally feeling that buzz run through me. I head to the dance floor, letting the beat of the music take me over, moving my hips to the music, and letting myself go.
A few good-looking guys try to dance with me, but I ignore them, letting them take the hint that I’m not interested.
I can feel his eyes on me every now and then but I ignore it. We are friends now and I need to stop sensing when he is watching me or even near me.
I head back to the booth and I see that I am alone with Sebastian and Cara. Cara is sitting on his lap, playing with his hair as he strokes up and down her arm. My stomach feels like I want to throw up from all the alcohol I have consumed.
I just want to head back to the dance floor where I won’t think. Cara gives me a smile and I return it, but it feels a little forced. I am glad she is happy, but I hate it’s with the guy who drives me mentally insane.
I am a bitch.
I am worse than dog shit.
“I got you another drink,” Sebastian says, leaning forward and taking Cara with him as he pushes the bottle of beer towards me.
“Thank you.” I grab it, taking a sip.
“What do you think of the place?” Cara asks me.
I look at her and she is snuggled into him, and I wish I could look anywhere else. “Yeah, I like it. Love the music.”
She smiles at me. “I knew you would. I thi
nk you deserve a new scene away from Cory and all that.”
I nod, looking at my drink and I start to peel off the label.
“I am so sorry. I promise I won’t bring him up again.”
“It’s fine. Really.” I look back at the dance floor.
“Baby, why don’t you dance with Iris while I run to the restroom quick? Is that okay?”
He looks at her and then at me.
“I’m fine, Cara.”
“The only time I have seen you happy tonight is when you are dancing, and you can’t keep going by yourself. Men will think you’re on your own or something.”
“It’s fine. I don’t mind dancing,” Sebastian reassures her.
“Thank you, you are the best. Look after her.” She gets off his lap and gives him a quick peck on the lips.
I watch her leave and then I feel a warm hand lift mine. I suck in a breath when I feel that charge surge right through me. “You don’t have to, you know.” I stand.
“I don’t mind, plus Cara was right, I don’t want these fucking perverts thinking you are on your own.” He pulls me away from the booth.
He doesn’t dance too close, which I appreciate, and he even makes me laugh so hard by doing very bad dance moves that my stomach hurts from laughing too much. I am having a blast, and soon Cara joins us and we continue to dance until our feet hurt.
Maybe this friend thing wasn’t going to be as bad as I thought—as long as I don’t witness Cara and Sebastian, all loved up, all the time.
It is closing time, and I am not ready to go to bed. I want to continue until I pass out. I am linked to Cara as she is linked to Sebastian, and we are giggling and stumbling everywhere as we head to the taxi.
“I don’t want to go home,” I whine.
“Me neither. I am having so much fun.” Cara hiccups.
“We should go to someone’s place and continue this,” Calvin suggests.
“Seb. We should go to Seb’s.” I have trouble saying his whole name. “Seb, I love it, that’s your nickname now, rocker boy.” I burst out laughing and he chuckles with me.
“Whatever you say, flower. I guess I have no choice. You are all coming to my place.”
“Why aren’t you drunk, Seb?” I almost fall over.
