by J. L. Ostle
I look at him with my eyes bulging out.
“Don’t worry—I’m not going to say anything. I was just wondering.”
“No, I can’t tell her. Sebastian and I are just friends.”
He nods, biting his lip. “Well, if you are happy. I am just happy we are friends again.”
“Yeah, me too.”
I leave Randi’s with Cara and Sebastian, saying goodbye to Cory and Sean as I am leaving, and Sean hugs me to death. He tells me how much he missed me, but from what I can tell, Cory never mentioned the reason why we broke up and it’s another thing I appreciate about him.
Cara is linking onto Sebastian as I walk on Sebastian’s other side, and he soon pulls my arm so I am linking on his other side. We leave like that—all three of us joined together.
“You and Cory okay?” Cara asks as we are heading up in the elevator.
“Yeah, we have decided to be friends.”
“That’s good. Do you think you will get back together?”
I feel Sebastian stiffen next to me.
“I don’t think so. I am happy that we are friends but I don’t think we are relationship material. I am just not fully into it.”
“I am happy I got a great guy. Soon your perfect guy will show up. Just you wait.”
“Yeah, lucky you.”
The next few weeks go by quickly and we are all getting ready for finals. Cory has once again become a fixture in my life. Even though he gives Sebastian evil looks when no one is looking, I have noticed and I don’t blame him. I am sure Sebastian can tell too, but he just ignores it. I continue studying with Sebastian at his place and we even hang out after, either watching movies or talking or playing music.
Sean and Ella have befriended one another on Facebook and I hate that she screenshots some of her messages. Trust me, the ones she shows me are basically X-rated. It has become drama free in my life right now and I like that.
Sebastian has become closer as a friend just like Cory has. I have noticed, though, that when we are hanging as a group, we seek out each other’s company. I have even started coming to watch him and his band rehearse, and I like how they involve me, asking for my opinions. I have even played a couple of songs with them.
Our one night together just seems like a distant memory now and even though we have moved on from it, there is still the odd time I will feel those tingles when he is near or when I feel like he is watching me, but I have learnt to ignore them. I see him looking at me at times, and even though he treats me like any other friend, there are times I don’t feel as comfortable with him as I would with Cory, Sean, or Calvin.
The more time I spend with him, the more I think about how he puts on this dick persona, but how sweet and kind he really is. I envy Cara that she sees this side of him, and I love that I get to see it now too.
Even though at times, I wish I saw him as just another asshole.
We are at Noize again and Sebastian seems a little down. He has been quiet and I have noticed that Cara isn’t sitting next to him, but is in a deep conversation with Anna. He looks at her every now and then with a fallen look on his face and I wonder what has happened.
He catches me staring and I force a small smile but he doesn’t return it. I look at the dance floor, wondering if I should just go and dance as I feel this tension around the table. I notice a few couples hiding in corners, making out very heavily, and I wonder why they can’t just get a room.
I think I am starting to feel broody as everyone seems to be coupling up. Cory has even started hanging with this girl in one of his classes and I was glad that I wasn’t jealous. It wouldn’t be fair if I was. I want him to be happy but it shows that I am alone yet again.
I feel a strong hand in mine and I see Sebastian standing in front of me.
“Would you like to dance?” he pleads with me, and I look at Cara but she isn’t even paying him any attention. I want to know what has happened, so I agree and I follow him to the middle of the dance floor.
I am hoping I can cheer him up and be an ear for him so he can tell me what is wrong. Sebastian pulls me in close as a ballad comes on. I wrap my arms around his neck as we sway.
“Are you okay?”
He gives me a small smile. “I just needed to get away. Thank you for dancing with me. There is no way I would dance with Anna.”
I throw my head back in laughter. “Yeah, she is a peach, isn’t she?”
“I swear that girl is just a cold-hearted bitch. She is always touching me—I think she just wants to see if I would give her any attention. I hate desperate girls.”
I give him a smile. “Maybe that’s why you like me,” I joke.
“Yeah, must be.” We smile and continue dancing.
We have a few more drinks and continue dancing, but he never brings up Cara and not once does Cara talk to him. We are laughing as we dance and I notice his thumbs circling my lower back and I hate that I like it.
His hands go on my hips, his nails digging into me, pulling me more into him. I feel myself shudder. I shouldn’t be dancing with him this close but my mind has turned into mush. It is like he is controlling my mind and body. I feel his lips on my bare shoulder and I gasp at the contact.
My heart is beating a million times an hour.
I don’t want him to stop touching me.
I breathe out his name. He steps back, stroking my cheeks, and his eyes look so vulnerable. He wants me, I can see it. I want him to kiss me so badly, but I know it’s the alcohol that’s doing this. His need for comfort and my need to give it to him is affecting our judgment. I step away and he looks at Cara and then at the floor.
“I need to go to the bathroom,” I tell him and walk away. It has been months and I thought we were over this shit.
Alcohol is the devil.
I slam the bathroom door and lean against it, banging my head. What the fuck was I doing? Cara could have seen us. I need to get a grip. I bet right now Sebastian feels just as badly. I want to cheer him up. I need to find out why he and Cara are being distant.
I open the bathroom door and I see Sebastian leaning on the wall opposite. He stands up straight when he sees me.
“I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.” He rubs the back of his neck.
“No, it wasn’t just you. I just think the alcohol is a partial reason to how we acted.”
“Yeah, I was just having such a fun time with you and you smelt so good that I just lost my head.”
I nod in understanding. “It’s fine. It’s just a slip.” I give him a small smile and I stand next to him, leaning against the wall. “So, are you going to tell me why you and Cara aren’t speaking?”
He sighs and leans back. “We have just been arguing a lot recently. I just can’t seem to get anything right.”
“I’m sure that’s not true.”
“It is. We just aren’t getting along and tonight when she was getting ready at my place, she asked if her outfit was nice. I said, yeah, it was okay, but it was obviously the wrong thing to say.”
I start to laugh.
“Why is that funny?”
“When a girl asks you if her outfit is nice, you are meant to go over the top and say she looks hot and breathtaking,” I giggle.
“You girls are complicated.”
“Aren’t we just?” I giggle and he chuckles.
“I have just noticed that she is a little different now that we are together than back when we were just friends. I can’t explain it.”
“Things change when you get into a relationship.”
He turns his head and looks at me. “I have never been in a relationship before. This is all new to me and I even said that back when we first started hanging out. You would think she would give me some leeway.”
“Cara being Cara, she probably doesn’t realise that she is being like this. You need to talk to her like you are talking to me.”
“I can’t talk to her the way I talk to you. I used to, but not anymore.” He s
ighs. “I’m sorry to dump all this on you.”
“Don’t be silly. I did say I would always listen. Just try to talk to her.”
He nods. “Thanks, flower.”
“Anytime.” I smile.
The following day, I knock on Sebastian’s door and wait for him to answer so we can study. He answers wearing nothing but a pair of jeans and I need to avert my eyes as they are glued to his bare, muscular stomach.
“Hi, flower. Come in and get comfortable, I’ll just be a sec.”
I sit on the couch and take out my books. I watch as he walks to the kitchen, with his jeans sitting low on his hips and with his muscles in his back on full display as he moves.
“Sebastian, have you seen …”
I look up to see Cara wearing only his shirt, and my stomach drops at seeing her like that. I guess they made up after all.
“Oh, hi, Iris, you ready for your finals?” She sits next to me.
“I think so.”
She smiles at me. “Yeah, I think I’m as ready as I’m going to be. I just can’t wait to get it all over and done with.”
“Cara, your clothes are dry.” Sebastian walks out of his room putting on a white T-shirt that hugs him.
“Thanks, babe.” She stands and kisses his cheek before walking off.
I watch her, seeing her beautiful blonde hair and her flawless skin. I start to feel a little jealous of her, feeling self-conscious. Cara comes back out after five minutes, wearing her jeans and the tank top she wore last night.
“Sorry, we didn’t go to bed till quite late and we just stayed in bed all morning.”
I lift my hands, stopping her. “Please, I don’t want to know the details.”
She taps my leg. “You are funny,” she laughs. “Right, I will leave you two alone to study. Have fun.” She kisses my cheek. Sebastian walks her out, hugging her, and she kisses him, so I look away.
“Will see you later,” I hear him say, and I watch as Cara leaves, saying goodbye.
We study for a couple of hours and I actually start to feel drained. These nights out are taking their toll on me. I stand and stretch out my body, standing up on my tiptoes and lifting my arms in the air. When I look at Sebastian, he is looking at my stomach, and I notice that my top has lifted, showing my midriff and a little of my black lace underwear. I quickly put my arms down and go to his guitar.
I grab it, sitting next to him, and start to strum a few strings. I see his eyes watching my fingers. I start to hum and he rests his head on his hand as he leans on his leg—watching me. I start to sing softly and his eyes stare at my mouth.
Again, I start to feel the air thicken. Tension is starting to build up. I need to stop. Whatever we felt ages ago is coming back. I can sense it. I can feel it. I don’t know how it has happened, but it has. I stop playing and quickly stand, making him jump. “I think I’d better go.”
He stands and I can see his breathing is coming in a little faster. He feels it too. “I will see you later?”
I nod. I gather my books and leave him the notes that I have made for him. “I thought you would like these,” I say, passing him the notes.
“Thanks, flower.”
I give him a shaky smile. He is looking through the notes, and I start roaming around the room to keep myself distracted, when I see photos on the far wall and head that way. I see an older man and woman with a young Sebastian. Why haven’t I seen these before?
“That’s my mom and dad.”
I look at them. He got his looks from his dad but I can see he got his eyes from his mum.
“They look very happy.” I turn and he is staring at the picture.
“Yeah, they were. They were good parents. They left me enough money to live off of until I die. They always said to follow my dreams, so I am.”
“They sound amazing.”
He nods and looks down.
“I am so sorry, Sebastian.” I feel tears sliding down my cheeks and he looks up and sees them. He walks closer to me and holds my face as he uses his thumbs to wipe them away. He is still looking at me and I can’t seem to look away. He steps in a little farther, leaning down and kisses me. It’s such a soft kiss. We have only kissed three times and this kiss is different from the other two.
“Thank you for caring so much.” He steps back and I wrap my arms around my body.
“I think I need to go.”
He nods.
“Bye, Seb,” I tease.
“Bye, flower.”
I grab my books and head out. I’m leaning against the wall outside his door when I hear my phone ringing. I look at the caller ID and I freeze when I notice it’s my dad calling.
I hold the phone in my hand as I keep looking at his name on the screen, and I feel my body start to tremble. I don’t know if I should answer it. He had stopped trying to contact me a couple of months after Mum threw him out. I bring the phone up to my ear.
“You shouldn’t be calling me,” I say with a shaky voice.
“Oh, sweetheart, it is so nice to hear your voice.”
It has been so long since I last heard his soothing voice. I start to glide down the wall, sitting down and hugging my legs.
“I have missed you, honey.”
“You shouldn’t have rung me.” I feel tears slide down my cheeks.
“I know you hate me, but I still love you, Iris. You are still my little girl, and not a day goes by that I don’t wonder how you are. Please talk to me.”
I sniff. “You hurt Mum, as well as me. You deserve to feel the hurt we feel.” I wipe my nose with my sleeve. My heart is in my throat. He can’t just say a few nice words and think I will forget all the misery he has caused us. I had to move away from my home and friends because of him.
“I know, honey. I know what I did was wrong and at the end of the day, all I can say is that I was just a coward. I miss you so much. Please tell me you’re doing okay. Tell me you are fine.”
I let memories from when I was a kid fill my head—him showing me his music collection, him taking me to my first concert. I jump when I feel arms go around my shoulders.
“Dad, you can’t call me again.”
Sebastian looks at me with concern and sadness.
“Please, honey.”
Sebastian takes the phone from me and starts talking. “Hi, this is Sebastian. I’m a friend of your daughter’s, and she isn’t ready to talk, sir. She is very upset.” He pauses and looks at me. “She is very beautiful and loving and has made my life interesting.” He chuckles. “I will. Bye.” He hangs up and sticks the phone in his jeans pocket. He then bends down and lifts me up, carrying me back into his place. We sit on his couch with me on his lap as he holds me. “You okay, flower?” His soft voice is making me want to cry even more.
“Yeah,” I whisper. “I just wasn’t expecting for him to call me. I wasn’t going to answer but a part of me was missing his voice. I used to love his voice. I always made him tell me bedtime stories when I was little.” I look up at the ceiling, trying to keep the tears at bay. “I better go.” I stand but he grabs my wrist, stopping me.
“Please don’t push me away.”
My lips are trembling and I know I am going to cry at any second, but I don’t want him to witness it. I step away from him and cover my face with my hands.
“Please,” he whispers and pulls me into him, and I bury my face in his chest. I cry as I let all the feelings that have been dormant for the past year go. He just holds me, stroking my hair and comforting me.
He sits us back on the couch, with me once again on his lap, as he rocks me back and forth, and I start to settle.
“I’m sorry for crying all over you.” I feel embarrassed and stupid. I shouldn’t have answered the call.
“Hey, I am here for you, if you ever need me. I am only a few floors up, remember?” he jokes and I chuckle. “I never want to see you cry again, seeing you like that …”
“Like it hurt me how you will never get to see your parents again?”
He nods slowly.
“I hate that I am throwing all my hatred for my dad on you after you lost yours. I am so sorry.”
He wipes the tears from my cheeks. “You need to stop apologizing.”
We both go silent and all I can smell is him. I lean into him and take in a deep breath, letting his smell surround me. I can feel his heart beating faster; I place my hand on his chest and it’s so hard.
I look up at him and something has changed. He is looking at me with dark eyes. My breathing is starting to come in faster. I feel hot and I gasp when I start to feel him harden underneath me. I don’t mean to, but I wriggle myself, causing him to hiss. I freeze, looking into his eyes. I want him to kiss me, but I can’t, and like he can sense it, he lifts me and sits me on the couch and stands.
“I will get you some water.” He leaves. I press my hand over my heart, trying to calm down.
“Thank you,” I call out. I head to the bathroom and I groan when I see my reflection in the mirror. My eyes are red and puffy and my cheeks are flushed. I splash some cold water on my face to help cool me down and hold onto the counter as I take in a few deep breaths.
I head back and Sebastian is on the couch, looking at the floor. When he hears me come in, he taps the space next to him, and I sit as he passes me a bottle of water and I take a good drink.
“You feeling better?”
I nod. “Yes, thank you. I think I really should go this time.” I stand back up.
“Remember, I am here if you need someone to talk to.”
I give him a small smile. “I know. Thank you again for letting me cry all over you.”
“Anytime.”
I walk out and head to the elevator when I notice I don’t have my phone. I head back and knock on his door and he opens it a few minutes after.
“Sorry, you have my phone.”
He hands it to me.
“Thank you.” I lean in and kiss his cheek and then leave and head back home.
Mum isn’t here but I need to tell her. I know I won’t be able to settle if I don’t tell her right away. I call her at work, and after waiting five minutes, she answers.
