by Caitlyn Dare
Cole climbs out of bed and looms over me, driving the final knife through my chest.
“I don’t want you, preppy. I never did.”
By the time the sun filters in through the blinds, I feel weak with exhaustion. But after Cole had broken my heart, I’d cried myself into a restless sleep.
When I needed him most, Cole decided to walk away.
A knock at the door sends my heart into my throat. “Yeah?” I call.
“Hads?” Conner pokes his head inside. “How are you feeling?”
“Maybe ask me again later.” I grimace, and he slips into the room.
“Let me guess, my brother—“
“Please, can we not talk about Cole.”
“Uh, sure. Do you want anything? A fresh drink? Breakfast? I make a mean pancake. Ellen taught me and everything.”
He looks so pleased with himself I can’t help but smile.
“I’d really like to get this out.” I lift my hand.
“Doc should be along soon. James just spoke to him.”
“He did?”
“Well, yeah. It’s James’ house, or did you—“
“No, of course. I just... it doesn’t matter.”
A dark expression crosses Conner’s face as he comes over to the bed and sits down on the end. “How are you feeling, really?”
“Like I got kidnapped by a drug lord and then almost killed in a trailer fire.”
“Fuck, Hadley...” He grimaces.
“You asked.”
“Yeah, I know. If it’s any consolation, I’m really happy you’re okay.”
“It is, thank you.”
“And Col—“
“We’re not talking about him, remember?”
“My brother is a stubborn asshole, but he’ll come around.”
“Have you seen him?” I can’t resist asking. Even though I’m so angry with him right now, it doesn’t stop me from caring.
“Not since last night. Ace talked to him though. He’s...” Conner hesitates.
“Yeah.”
My heart aches.
For Cole.
For me.
For the baby that might be growing inside me.
For Ace and Remi and Conner.
I even feel sorry for James.
This family is so broken, so lost. I’d wanted to help. To reach Cole in a way they hadn’t been able to. But everything is different now, and something tells me things will never be the same again.
“Hadley?” Remi calls, and Conner goes to open the door.
“The patient is awake.” He shoots me a playful wink.
“The doctor just got here. I wondered if you wanted some moral support.” She gives me a knowing glance.
“Yes,” I say. “That would be nice.”
“I’ll leave you two girls to it then.” Conner salutes and slips around her.
“Hey, it’s good to see you awake.”
“I barely slept.”
“I’m sorry.” Her expression falls.
“It’s not your fault.”
Remi pulls out the chair and wheels it over to my bed. “So I was thinking... you should tell the doctor you think you might be pregnant.”
“Remi...”
“I know, I know. It’s the last thing you want to deal with. But you can’t pretend it’s not happening either. I heard James mention some blood tests. He could easily run the test discreetly.”
“What’s the deal there, anyway?”
“He’s a family friend. I get the impression this isn’t the first middle-of-the-night house call he’s made.”
“I guess it helps to have friends in high places.” My family has a doctor on retainer. Along with a lawyer, a publicist and various other staff.
Maybe there is more to James Jagger than meets the eye.
“Do you know what happened last night?” I ask.
“Ace wouldn’t tell me. He just said that we didn’t need to worry about Donny anymore.”
“So he’s gone?”
She nods, her eyes clouding.
“You know what gone means, right?”
“He kidnapped you, Hadley, and then tried to kill you and Ace. Donny Lopez is not a good person.”
“I know, but you’re okay with it? Knowing Cole and Ace—“
“James was there.”
“What?” I shriek.
“I overheard him and Ace talking. I think he...” She trails off, and my eyes bug out.
“Holy crap.”
“You can’t tell anyone, Hadley. Not a soul.”
“Who am I going to tell? You’re all I have.”
“Not true.” Her expression softens. “You have me and Ace, Conner... Cole.”
“I don’t have Cole, Remi.”
Maybe I never did.
I skip school the next two days.
After James’ doctor friend came by the Jaggers’ and removed my IV, I had told him about my missed period. He agreed to do the test since he was taking a blood sample.
I’d convinced Conner to give me a ride back to the dorms after that.
Ace and Remi didn’t want me to leave. Even James had asked me to stay a little longer. But I needed space.
I couldn’t be under the same roof as Cole and not be with him.
It was killing me.
So I’d left and hidden out in my dorm room for the next two days. Remi and Conner check-in constantly, but they are honoring my request for some space.
My cell vibrates and I half expect to see one of their names. But it isn’t.
I snatch it up and answer it. “Hello?”
“Hadley, it’s Dr. Miles.”
“Hello.” My stomach twists.
“We’ve got the blood results back.”
“Okay...”
“Everything looks fine.”
“That’s good, isn’t it?”
“It is.” He lets out a steady breath. “The pregnancy test also came back.”
Blood roars between my ears as I wait, the room growing small around me.
“It’s positive. You’re pregnant.”
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck!
“O-okay. Thank you.”
“Your levels put you at about six weeks, so it’s still very early. I recommend booking an appointment with your regular doctor to discuss the next steps.”
“Yes, of course. Thank you.”
He says goodbye and hangs up.
But I just sit there, staring at nothing, his words echoing around my head.
I’m pregnant.
Six weeks pregnant.
And it’s Cole’s baby.
Chapter Six
Cole
I stare at the sky above me, watching the clouds moving in the wind as the alcohol flows around my system, numbing everything I feel.
It’s the only way I can cope right now.
Forgetting is the only way I can deal, because acknowledging what happened, what is happening… I just can’t do that.
The image of Hadley tied up inside that burning trailer is imprinted in my mind. If I manage to get any sleep, it’s all I dream of—only in my slumber, I don’t get to her in time. Instead of pulling her out alive, I’m forced to lift her lifeless body and carry her out of there so she can have a proper resting place, not be forced to end her days as a pile of ash.
When I’m awake, the fear in her eyes haunts me. The smell of burning. The acrid taste of destruction.
It’s the only thing I can think about.
It was all my fault. All of it. And no matter what anyone says, I can’t forgive myself for putting the people I care about in that position.
Hadley could have died. Ace could have died. Hell, even James could have died. And all because of me. Because I’m too much of a fuck-up to do something decent with my life.
I lift the bottle to my lips once more and swallow down liquid that I’m long past tasting.
I have no idea what time it is, but the sun is beginning to set behind the d
ark clouds that taunt me.
It was raining an hour or so ago, but I didn’t move. A little rain is the least I deserve.
The others got up and went to school this morning. Even James left the house to go to work. I know they’re giving me space, but at the same time I can’t help thinking that they’re looking straight through me. Almost as if I did die and I’m no longer here.
No one listened to me when I demanded that Hadley stay here so we know she’s safe. No one seemed to care when I didn’t turn up for school this morning.
Everyone just seems to have checked out… or is that me?
I rest my head back and close my eyes, but it doesn't last long. The second I feel myself start to succumb to my exhaustion, that image is there again. It feels so real, like I can actually feel the weight of her in my arms.
I wake with a start, my heart thundering in my chest. Ripping my eyes open to focus on the clouds once again, I’m confronted by the sight of three sets of concerned eyes staring down at me, scaring me almost as much as the dream.
“Fucking hell,” I mutter, lifting the bottle back to my lips.
“I think you’ve had enough, don’t you?” Conner asks, reaching forward to take the bottle.
“Fuck you. You have no idea what it’s like.”
He lifts a brow. I know he’s still angry that we left him behind with the girls, but quite frankly, I don’t give a shit. I’m barely holding it together as it is, the last thing I need is the added image in my head of almost losing him too.
“This isn’t going to help,” Ace says, joining in with Conner. He walks around the lounger I’m slumped in and prises the bottle from my fingers before throwing it across the yard until the glass shatters against the wall of the pool house. “That isn’t how you deal with this.”
“No? Care to tell me how I should then, big brother?”
“I can’t. Only you know that. But hiding your head in the sand, running away from real life isn’t it.” He narrows his eyes, saying a million things to me without actually speaking the words.
“Fuck you, Ace. You have your girl to lose yourself in when shit gets hard.”
“So could you, if you pulled your head out of your ass. She’s in her dorm waiting for you. All you’ve got to do is talk to her.”
I look away from him, unwilling to hear the words let alone think about what they mean.
Hadley doesn’t want me. How could she, after everything I’ve put her through?
I know they say that people do crazy things for love, but I stick by what I said to her the other night. That isn’t what this is.
Is it?
I wouldn’t know love if it slapped me in the face. Everyone who was ever supposed to love me screwed me over.
I’m unworthy. Unlovable. I accepted that a long time ago.
I’m just a person—a body—that people use to forget. It’s the way it’s always been. Pleasure to bury the pain. It’s all I’ve ever known, all I ever saw as a child, and my relationship with Hadley isn’t anything different.
We’re both lost, both hurting, both trying to outrun pasts and nightmares that continue to haunt us no matter what we do.
That’s not love. It’s just another addiction.
I’m addicted to the release, to the way she makes me feel. The way she makes me crave her like no other.
Movement at my legs makes me look up, and I find that Remi has wedged herself on the edge of my lounger. Her eyes are soft, sympathetic. Whereas my brothers like to take the hard line with me, I feel that what’s about to come out of her mouth is going to be very different.
She reaches for my hand and squeezes gently. “She needs you, Cole.”
“Trust me, she really doesn't,” I spit. How can she possibly need me? Because of me she was kidnapped, almost burned alive. And even before that, the two of us were so wrong, so toxic that it never could have lasted. Our sex life involved my knife, for fuck’s sake. That shit isn’t normal.
“She does, more than you could possibly know. More than she understands. Please, Cole. You can’t have forgotten what I told you.” Her eyes bore into mine. I know exactly what she’s asking, but I refuse to even think about it.
Ripping my eyes from hers, I stare at the still water of the pool and try to forget about the person we’re talking about.
“What did you tell him?” Conner asks, trying to stick his nose in.
“Nothing,” I bark. “She told me nothing.”
“Please, don’t do this. You’re both falling apart in front of our eyes,” she begs, her grip on my fingers getting tighter as she says each word.
“It’s what I deserve. Excuse me.” Pushing from the lounger, I turn my back on the three of them and storm inside.
“What are we missing here?” Conner asks, but I don’t hang around to hear Remi’s answer.
“Cole, would you like any—”
“No,” I bark at Ellen as I march through the kitchen.
“When was the last time you ate?” she calls out to me as I continue through the house.
I have no idea. The only things that have passed my lips the last few days are alcohol and weed. Exactly as it should be in my quest to forget.
The sun has long set, and I’m beyond drunk when there’s a knock at my bedroom door.
I don’t respond, but that doesn't mean I expect whoever it is to get the message and leave. That’s not how we do things. I don’t, however, expect to see the head that appears when my lack of response is ignored.
“What do you want?” I bark at James when he invites himself inside and sits in the chair at the other side of the room.
“I think it’s time we talked, don’t you?”
“No,” I say bluntly, keeping my eyes anywhere but on him.
“Cole, I know everything came as a bit of a shock.”
“A shock?” I ask. “I thought you were just our uncle who didn’t care about us. Then suddenly I’m meant to just accept that you’re not our uncle, but our fucking father?”
“I know. I know. But you have to trust me when I say that I’d have done everything so differently if I had the chance.”
“Trust you?” I balk. “Fuck off. You could have done something. You could have taken us away any time you wanted, but no, you left us there. You left me there to be…” I trail off, not wanting to go down that road on top of everything else.
“I couldn’t go behind your mother’s back.”
“Why? You didn’t care about going behind Charlie’s all those years before.”
“Cole,” he growls. I ignore his warning. If he wants to come in here and talk, then we can fucking talk. But then he says five little words that make my blood turn to ice.
“I know what you did.”
I shake my head, thinking that I must have misheard. “What?”
“I know about Charlie.”
My chin drops. That can’t be possible. “How?”
“How do you think it got covered up so easily? Donny certainly wasn’t going to help keep your name clean.”
“But—”
“I saw you leave the house that night, Cole. Deny it all you like, but we both know the truth, don’t we?”
I shake my head, because he can’t know the truth.
He can’t.
“You know nothing,” I say.
“That’s what you’d like to think, but it’s simply not true.”
“Whatever. I’m done with this conversation.”
I swing my legs from the bed, and my fingers are wrapped around the door handle when he speaks next.
“Go and see Hadley, Cole. Stop punishing yourself for something you couldn’t have stopped.”
“That’s just it though. I could have stopped it. I shouldn’t have gone anywhere near her in the first place.”
“We can’t help who we love, Cole. I know that better than anyone.”
I have the door open when he says, “I think it would be best we kept your secret between us, don’t you?”
Without answering him, I fly through the house and across the backyard. I need to get away from that house, from everyone who thinks they know what’s best for me.
They can’t possibly know what I need right now. None of them are in my head, none of them fucking understand.
Apart from her.
I walk along the beach until I’m forced up a path that I know will take me to the dorms.
I tell myself over and over to turn back, but because I’m unable to stop causing myself even more pain, my feet continue forward until I’m standing in the trees that surround the building and looking up at her window.
Hadley’s light is on, but there’s no movement inside, although I know she’s up there. Fucked up, I know, but I can feel her. It makes it a little easier to breathe, knowing she’s close. Although I have no intention of getting any closer. I shouldn’t even be here, but my self-punishment knows no bounds.
I have no idea how long I stand there for, willing her to come to the window just so I can see her face. But when there is movement and a figure does appear, it’s not her. It’s a guy.
My fists curl so tight that my nails dig into my palms to the point I swear I must draw blood. Stumbling back, I crash into a tree before sliding down until my ass hits the cold, damp ground beneath me.
My eyes remain on her window, hoping for a glimpse of the motherfucker I’m going to have to kill next. But I never find out.
The next thing I know, the sun is burning through my eyelids, and when I drag them open, I find myself curled up on the ground, still facing her window.
Chapter Seven
Hadley
Everything is a mess.
I can hardly focus in class, I’m lying to Miss Jones and the team about why I can’t practice, and Cole barely looks twice at me.
Donny Lopez is gone, but the scars of that night are still there. I wake in the middle of the night, clutching the sheets and soaked in sweat. I can still taste the acrid smoke, feel the heat closing in around me. Sometimes, I dream we don’t make it out, that the flames engulf us, burning the skin and flesh from our bones.
A shudder rolls through me as I shake off the memories.
