by Caitlyn Dare
Lowering my thumb, I hit call to someone else who might be able to talk some sense into me.
“Bro, how’s it going? Thought you’d been too deep in Hadley to come up for air, let alone call me.”
“Shut up, Con.”
“Shit, what’s wrong?”
I blow out another breath as I try to figure out what the hell to say. I can hardly tell him the truth. He’ll have me fucking committed if I admit to carving my girlfriend up while I fucked her. A shudder runs up my spine at the thought.
“I fucked up.”
“Wait, wait, wait. You’re calling me for girl advice?”
“I… I don’t know why I’m calling you. I just need… fuck, I don’t even know what I need.”
“Okay, okay. How bad are we talking? Like, she caught you checking out another girl's ass, or you had your tongue down another girl's throat, bad?”
“If that’s the scale then she caught me with my cock in her ass.”
“Fuck, man. What did you do?”
“The details don’t matter, Con. I did something I shouldn’t have, lost my temper. I… I took things too far. She’s locked herself in the bathroom and is refusing to come out.”
“Just make her come a few times, she’ll get over it.”
“Didn’t you hear me? She’s locked herself in the bathroom, dumbass.”
“Okay, okay. So you need to lure her out. What does she like? Get all her favorites, then do whatever you do that makes her squeal like—”
“Okay,” I cut him off. I don’t need to know that he listens while I make Hadley scream.
“Seriously though, bro. I want to know what you do. I want to make someone make that noise.”
“Get a girl and I might tell you,” I mutter, already knowing Conner would probably shit a brick if he knew the truth about what goes down between me and Hadley. He might talk a good game, but he forgets that I know his previous experiences and the girl he’s pined after for… well, forever. He might plead otherwise, but he hasn’t got his dick wet since we moved to the Bay, and I can’t see that changing anytime soon while he’s still got a Heights girl stuck in his head.
“Killjoy. Just go and turn on the Jagger charm. You’ve clearly got some, because you snagged her in the first place.” I’m pretty sure that had nothing to do with charm, but I don’t burst his bubble. “Go and remind her why you’re both perfect for each other.”
I nod to myself.
“You still there?”
“Yeah, man. Thanks.”
With an idea brewing in my head, I dump the packet of smokes in the trash and make my way back to the store, staring down the candy aisle.
By the time I’m back in the elevator and heading for our room, I’ve got two full grocery bags in my arms and I’m ready to grovel on my knees if I have to.
I might have been gone less than an hour, but it was enough time to tell me just how much I need her. How badly I need her to forgive me for what I did.
I might not be good enough for her, but that doesn't matter right now because I’m the one she’s chosen, and I need to prove to her that she made the right choice.
Shuffling both bags into one arm, I manage to pull the keycard from my pocket and tap the screen to unlock the door.
The room is still empty when I push inside, and my heart jumps into my throat that she might have left. But once my initial panic subsides, I spot my car keys still on the desk where I left them and her bag on the floor.
Looking around the room, I find the bathroom door now ajar. I want to march in and demand she listens to me, but then my little shopping spree would have been pointless. As quietly as I can, I set everything up before stripping down to my boxers and crawling onto the bed and hoping that she doesn’t take too long to emerge.
Chapter Twenty-One
Hadley
I peek around the door to find Cole sitting on the bed, eyes closed, his head resting against the wall. There’s a bag of candy and snacks sprawled out in front of him.
“Hey,” I say.
His eyes snap open. “Thank fuck.” Relief washes over him as he runs his eyes over my face and down my body. I’ve wrapped the fluffy hotel robe around myself, but it doesn’t stop him from checking me over.
“Are you okay?”
“I will be.” I swallow around a small nod as I step into the room. “Pregnancy hormones.” My shoulders lift in a small shrug.
“I fucked up.” Cole swings his legs over the bed, his head hanging low as he looks up at me through his thick lashes. “I’m sorry.”
“We let it go too far.”
He inhales sharply. “I let it go too far.”
“No, this isn’t all on you. I told you to hurt me... I just didn’t think...”
He stands up and comes toward me. I flinch as he pulls the robe open slightly to see his handiwork. His jaw clenches. “Fuck, Dove, I—“
“Don’t. It happened, it’s done.” I bat his hand away and pull the robe tighter.
Awkward silence descends over us. Cole looks gutted, his skin pale and eyes glittering with shame.
I press my hand against his cheek. “You have to trust me, Cole. This can’t work if you don’t.”
“I know, fuck, I know. But I knew something was wrong. All day, I watched you act skittish every time your cell vibrated.”
“I was only protecting you, protecting us.”
He covers my hand with his and brings it to his lips, brushing my knuckles gently. “I see that now.”
“This is new, for both of us. I promise to try harder, but you have—“
“I will, Hadley, I swear. The second you flew into the bathroom, I knew I’d fucked up. I wanted to hurt you, but not like that. Never like that.”
“Where’d you go?” I’d heard him leave and return.
“To the store. I needed something to take the edge off.”
“Did you find what you were looking for?” I eye him carefully. He doesn’t smell of liquor or weed, but Cole has gotten good at covering his tracks since being on the team.
“I bought some cigarettes, but they didn’t help.”
“You don’t smell like smoke.”
“I ate a packet of gum and drank a bottle of water before coming back here.”
“So what’s all that?” My eyes dart to the mess on the bed.
“I thought it might cheer you up. I got your favorites… Swedish Fish, Twizzlers… there’s even a cookie sandwich.”
A faint smile tugs at my lips. “And the fact that you’re half-naked?”
Cole looks at me with heat in his eyes. “I thought we could finish what I started.” He smirks, and I want to be angry with him, but all the ice around my heart has slowly melted away.
Cole might be messed up, but so I am.
“You did, huh?” I arch a brow, fighting a smile. “And if I wanted to eat my bodyweight in candy and watch a movie instead?”
Surprise registers on his face, and I love that I can still affect him. “You really want to do that?”
I nod. “I’m a little sore... from before,” I admit, dropping my gaze. Cole’s finger slips under my jaw and tilts my face to his.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know.” Lacing my arms around his waist, I lean in and let my lips glide over his. Cole is as still as a statue, his apprehension swirling around us.
“Cole,” I whisper, “this would be the time to kiss me back.”
“Yeah?” The uncertainty in his voice makes my heart clench.
Cole is such a paradox.
“Yeah.” I grin, touching my head to his. “Kiss me, Cole Jagger. Kiss me like you love me.”
I wake cocooned in Cole’s arms. After he’d kissed me, his apology seeping into every stroke of his tongue, every slide of his lips, we’d rented a movie off the pay-per-view channel and gorged ourselves on candy.
It would have been easy to let him touch me again, to finish what he’d started, but the truth was, we needed a moment of normalcy.
&
nbsp; At some point during the movie, I’d shed the robe, pulling on Cole’s t-shirt instead, and curled into his side and fallen asleep.
Damn Tim for almost ruining everything. I’m going to have to talk to my parents if he continues. Surely they will understand if I change my cell number.
You don’t need their permission. I push the little voice down. If I start disobeying them now, it’ll only cause more problems.
It’s always been easier to go along with their plans than fight them on anything. Besides, I know the lengths my father is willing to go to uphold his reputation and our family’s name.
My hand slips to my stomach instinctively. I can hide the pregnancy for a few more months. It’s not like they come to visit. By the time I’m really showing, it’ll almost be graduation.
I leave Cole sleeping soundly as I slip out of the bed and pad into the bathroom. Checking my reflection, I can’t help but take a peek at Cole’s handiwork. The small C is a little red and tender, but it’ll heal. I run a hand through my messy bed hair, smiling at myself.
We had our first big fight last night, but we came out the other side. To anyone else, it might be fucked up but, to me, knowing Cole the way I know Cole, I call it progress.
Gingerly, I lower myself to the toilet, wincing when a pain shoots through me. Shaking it off, I pee, but something doesn’t feel right.
I tear off a handful of tissue paper and wipe, gasping at the sight of the bright red blood.
No.
No.
No.
It can’t be.
I grasp some fresh tissue and wipe again, hoping I’m seeing things. There’s so much blood.
“Cole,” I yell, fear paralyzing me. “Cole.” My voice cracks, tears stream down my face.
This can’t be happening.
Cole bursts into the room, his eyes going straight to my hands. “Hadley?” he croaks.
“I’m... bleeding,” I breathe, the words splintering my chest wide open.
“I don’t understand.” His eyes fill with unshed tears. Even though his brain hasn’t yet processed what’s happening, his heart knows.
It knows I’m losing our baby.
“What do I do? Shall I call 9-1-1?” He fists his mouth, his eyes glistening with pain.
“No, there’s nothing they can do. Not if—“
“No, don’t say it. Don’t you dare fucking say it. I’ll drive you to the hospital,” he says, storming out of the bathroom while I sit there, unable to move. My stomach already feels empty... I feel empty.
Cole rushes back into the room with a bunch of my clothes in his arms. “The nearest ER is only a ten-minute drive. Do you think you can get dressed?”
“Cole, there’s nothing—“
“Don’t tell me there’s nothing we can do. Don’t tell me that.” His fist collides with the counter. “I need to do this, Hadley.”
“Okay... let me get cleaned up and we’ll go.” It’s pointless, I know that. But Cole needs this. He needs to feel in control.
“Thank you,” he exhales, placing my clothes on the side of the bath. “I’ll get our stuff together.”
I give him a weak nod and wait for him to leave before trying to clean up. I pad my panties with toilet paper, knowing that it isn’t enough.
When I’m dressed, I step back into the room. “I’m ready.”
Cole has our bags packed. He strides over to me, cupping my face tenderly. “It’s going to be okay, Dove. I know it.”
My heart breaks all over again.
This will kill Cole, and part of me isn’t ready to lose him. So I paste on a weak smile and say, “I’m sure it is.”
Cole managed to get us to the hospital in record time. He may have run a few red lights to do it, but he had nothing but steely determination in his eyes as he maneuvered the unfamiliar streets of Colton.
By the time we reached the hospital, my leggings were soaked with blood. Cole rushed inside to get me a wheelchair, and now we’re sitting in the ER, waiting to be seen.
Cole clutches my hand in his, holding on as if it’s his lifeline. I feel numb, completely and utterly numb.
I can’t help but think it’s the universe’s way of saying we’re not ready—that I’m not ready. But it doesn’t ease the ache I feel in my heart.
I thought I’d lost Cole once, but we worked our way through that.
We won’t survive this, though.
He’ll blame himself.
When the doctor makes him understand what I failed to, he’ll blame himself and then he’ll pull away. And I’ll be alone again.
Maybe it’s better that way.
Maybe Cole and I are destined to drown in the darkness, not live in the light.
Silent tears drip down my cheeks.
“Hadley?” A nurse with kind eyes looms over us.
“Yes,” I say.
“Why don’t we get you somewhere a little more private and we can see what’s happening.”
But the sympathy in her eyes tells me she already knows.
“Okay, thanks.”
Cole shoots up and she adds, “Maybe Hadley would like some privacy?” She asks me quietly.
“No, he can come.”
Cole expels a sigh of relief, wheeling my chair behind the nurse as she leads us down a long hall, into a side room.
It’s cold and clinical—four walls, one bed, a trolley filled with an array of medical supplies.
She grabs a roll of white paper towels and covers the bed with it. “Hop on up, sweetheart.”
Cole helps me onto the bed, treating me like a fragile bird. His hands tremble as he strokes my arm. “It’s going to be okay,” he says, as if he thinks saying the words will make it come true.
I don’t have the heart to tell him it won’t.
“You think you’re about eight or nine weeks?”
I nod. “I have my first appointment with the OB-GYN next week.”
“Okay, we’re going to arrange an ultrasound and some blood tests. I’m going to get you some sanitary towels and some water. I’ll be right back.”
She leaves, and the air turns cold, sending a shudder through me.
Cole leans against the wall, his gaze hard and unwavering
“Cole...” I reach for him. “We should probably prepare for the—”
“Don’t, please don’t. Everything will be okay. It has to be.”
I smother the rush of tears, turning my head to the side. I need to be strong for him, for myself.
The next hour passes by in a blur. The doctor visits and performs the ultrasound. He points out the sac. The tiny white mass that was supposed to be our baby. Then, after what feels like a lifetime, he snaps off his gloves and looks at us both with apologetic eyes and confirms what I already knew.
Our baby is gone.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Cole
There was nothing you could have done.
Sometimes these things just happen.
It wasn’t the right time.
Everything happens for a reason.
The words of the doctor and nurses we saw this morning run around my head as we make the silent drive back to Sterling Bay.
This weekend was meant to be amazing. It was meant to show us what our lives could be like once we graduate, but instead, everything has turned to shit.
Hadley’s concerned stare burns into the side of my face, but I don’t turn to look at her. I can’t. All of this is my fault.
All of it.
If I didn’t lose control last night, then none of this would have happened.
They can tell me all they like that there’s no reason, but I know the truth. I caused this.
I did this.
I remember how I forced her against the wall, how hard my hand connected with her skin as I spanked her, how hard I fucked her as I tried to punish her for lying to me.
Turns out that all I was doing was punishing myself, because as I did those things, I was ruining the only good thing I have in my life.
The only thing that makes me think I can change my life.
My lifeline.
My redemption.
“Cole?” Hadley breathes, and my entire body tenses. It’s not the first time she’s tried to talk to me since we stared at that screen and were forced to look at the evidence for what I was refusing to accept.
I killed our baby.
Hadley was nurturing it, loving it and protecting it, and I ruined everything.
“Don’t. I can’t.”
“I hate seeing you like this,” she whispers. “Stop blaming yourself. This is no one’s fault. You heard the nurse, one in five pregnancies end like this. It’s just one of those things.” Her voice cracks at the end, making pain shoot through my heart as if someone’s just shot me.
“Stop,” I snap. “Just fucking stop.” I hate that she knows exactly how I’m feeling without me having to say anything to her.
“Cole, we need to—”
“No,” I bellow. “We don’t need to do fucking anything. It’s done. It’s ruined. It’s fucking dead.”
Finally, as the traffic slows to a stop, I turn to look at her.
Her eyes are red-rimmed from crying, and they only fill with more tears as she looks at me. “W-what are you saying, exactly?”
I blow out a breath, trying to figure out what I need to say, what I should be thinking right now, but I can’t get a grasp on anything. All I feel is pain, grief, despair.
“I’m taking you back to the dorms.”
“What?”
“I… I just can’t right now.”
“Cole, please,” her voice quivers, “I need you.”
“Yeah, well. I don’t need you. Call Remi or something.” Her gasp of shock rings throughout the car, but I refuse to take the words back.
All of this, everything Hadley has been through over the past few weeks, is all my fault. It’s finally time I do the right thing.
The tension in the car is unbearable by the time I pull up at the front of her building.
“Please don’t do this, Cole. Just come up. We don’t have to talk, I just need—”
“I don’t give a shit what you need. Just go.”
