Sins of thy Mother
-A Novel Written by-
Niki Jilvontae
Copyright © 2015 by True Glory Publications
Published by True Glory Publications LLC
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This novel is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to actual events, real people, living or dead, organizations, establishments or locales are products of the author’s imagination. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are used fictitiously.
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Editor: Kylar Bradshaw
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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
First, I’d like to thank the Most High for this incredible gift. I’d also like to thank my family; my mother, Phyllis, brother Monderious, daughter Briuna, and son LaDaveon as well as Shameek A. Speight and the entire True Glory family. I’d also like to send a Major S/O and much love to some of my most loyal supporters and readers:
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Dedication
This book is dedicated to every abused, neglected, and emotionally battered child in the world. Know that your stories aren’t going unheard and that someone cares. No matter how hard it gets someone out there cares and will step out on that limb for you. Don’t be afraid to reach out if someone is hurting you. Please take a chance and ask for help!
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 1
Chapter 2 16
Chapter 3 34
Chapter 4 51
Chapter 5 71
Chapter 6 95
Chapter 7 116
Chapter 8 135
Chapter 9 153
Chapter 10 169
Links 181
The Sins of Thy Mother
Written By:
Niki Jilvontae
Chapter 1
My grandmother once told me that the sins of a mother can often be visited upon her child. I never understood what she meant by that, and I never really cared before today. However, as I lay here now with blood in my panties and a heavy heart, holding my big sister Terricka’s hand as the monster, who bought our innocence for a $40 piece of heroin, dressed to leave, I knew exactly what my grandmother meant. I had suffered for my mother’s sins from the day I was brought into the world. My father left because he couldn’t deal with my mama’s mental illnesses, drug abuse, lying, stealing, and being just down right evil and trifling.
I was thirteen months old when he walked out and my big sister, Terricka, had just turned two. He left us that day; and from what my sister remembers, that is when our hell began. Why wouldn’t it? Terricka’s father was long gone. He wouldn’t have been much help anyway though because he was nothing but another crack head our mother had sex with on one of her heroin binges and my dad just didn’t give a fuck. He punished me from the start, simply because I was a product of my mother. Her sins condemned me before I even had a chance to make a name for myself. The sins of my mother ruined my life. Her sins led me to the situation I now found myself trapped in.
I closed my eyes tight as tears ran down my face and I laid on my side, pulling my legs up to my chest and placing my head on my sister’s shoulder. When I reopened my eyes, I watched as tears rolled down Terricka’s copper cheeks and she bit her bottom lip, gripping my hand as she poured her heart out in a rap. That was our solace...our way out. We released it all in a song. My sister rapped from her heart, releasing all of the emotions and stereotypes pinned on us because of our mother. I felt everything she said as she let go of her pain.
“Don’t nobody give a fuck about a bitch like me,
I was raised by a junky what you think I’ma be.
A hoe just like my mama what the hood always said,
Or maybe I’ll get my bank up being a rat, to the Feds.
She gonna be just like ha mama, another roguish ass bitch,
Or like Pookie on New Jack City sucking on a glass dick.
Everybody had me figure out, everybody but me,
Cause when I looked in the mirror that’s the shit I never could see.
Wasn’t nobody crying at night with me and Tisha in bed,
You can’t feel my fucking pain or see the tears that I shed.
I just want out of this shit, no more selling my soul.
I keeping praying to God for help while watching mayhem unfold.
It’s gotta get better one day, but what do I tell my brother right now,
When he asks what’s going on and he wonna know how?
How a mother who gave us life could cause us so much pain?
I don’t think 1000 years could erase the shit from my brain.
So, I’m crashing out, fuck the world it’s just Tish and my brother,
I’m forever a cursed child carrying the sins of thy mother!”
Terricka rapped with so much pain and passion tears poured from my eyes and my words got stuck in my throat as I tried to sing the chorus to the song.
“Terricka, I don’t think I can do this.” I said in a cracked, raspy voice barely above a whisper.
“Just take your time lil sis. Let it all out in the song.” Terricka said to me as she reached over and wiped away some of my tears.
At that very moment I felt all of the pain and anger I experienced every time I was beaten, abused, or mistreated because of my mother, because of something she did or didn’t do. Before long, I felt emotion take over me and my mouth opened, releasing every bit of pain, hurt, heartache, anxiety, and fear I had inside. I felt free at that moment.
“Nobody understands how it feels to be a cursed child,
Nobody even cares when you lie, rebel, and run wild.
It’s a cold, cruel world when you don’t have the love and care from others,
But the pain goes deep, carrying the sins of thy mother!”
I sang as I squeezed my eyes shut and tears ran down my cheeks.
<
br /> I opened my eyes and looked into my sister’s sad, critical face as my heart raced in my chest. Somehow I knew that our pain for that day wasn’t over with yet. I could feel that there was more to come and that thought made me just want to pull myself inside of myself and die.
“Maine Tisha, has mama lost her fucking mind? The little bit she had anyway. Why did she refuse inpatient treatment and lie like she takes those meds? Mama is fucking sick in the head Tisha and she is gonna kill us, eventually. I can’t let her do that though…I’ll kill that crazy bitch first, I promise…. I just hate her, Tisha. I hate her with all of me!” My big sister Terricka cried as I pulled her closer to me and we laid in the bed, head-to-head, tears-to-tears like we’d done all of our lives.
I understood Terricka’s feelings and thoughts completely. I often found myself hating our mama because of the shit she did too, but unlike Terricka I always forgave her and tried to rationalize her behavior. I don’t know why I always tried to find the silver lining in everything, but I did. I think I did it to keep myself sane because if I let the hate and anger inside of me out it wasn’t no telling what I would do. My sister was the opposite though. Terricka was the hot head, the gangsta. She didn’t give a fuck about anything in life but me and our little brother, Shamel, whom we called Sha for short. Terricka didn’t give a fuck that our mama was clearly bipolar, schizophrenic, and a manic depressant.
All Terricka saw when she looked at our mama was the woman who beat us mercilessly since we were two years old. The woman who starved us for days on end and kept us home from school sometimes just to torture us, physically and mentally. My mother, Denise, was also that woman who submerged our little brother, Sha, in a tub of scolding hot water when he was sixteen months old, leaving a burn up his left leg all the way to his chest, which was still visible even though he was ten years old.
She was the reason he rarely spoke and didn’t trust anyone but me and Terricka. My mother was the woman who was supposed to love and protect us, yet, she did nothing but cause us unthinkable pain. That is why I totally understood the way that my sister felt. I just couldn’t make myself hate her no matter what she did to me. I always believed in honor thy father and mother, but I couldn’t figure out what you were supposed to do when that mother and father hated you.
“I know T….I know. She is still our mother though and she’s sick T. I hate all the beatings, psycho rants, and now this new torture she started. I hate it all, but what are we gonna do T? No one cares. Look how many times we ran away or called CPS only for them to do nothing, or for them to remove us and then send us right back. No one believes us Terricka or they simply don’t give a fuck, either way it goes we’re stuck until we’re eighteen years old.” I said to Terricka as I wiped my tears with the back of my hand.
I hated to admit it and it sounded so damning when I said it out loud, but it was true. No one cared about what happened to us so we just had to endure it all until we could make a better way for ourselves. I just hoped that we would be able to hold on. It seemed our mother was getting worse by the day with the punches to the face and degrading remarks, but now she had taken it to another level, pimping us out like little whores.
After her welfare got cut off the previous month for her missing welfare-to-work classes, our mama quickly found out that she couldn’t support her drug habit. She came to me with her proposition one day while I was sitting in the kitchen helping Sha with his homework. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I can still smell the liquor coming out of her pores and the thick heroin and cigarette smoke emitting from the tattered, dingy white t-shirt and black tights she had on. My mama looked like a cracked out skeleton as she sauntered into the kitchen smoking a blunt with her hair all matted on her head and her glossy, bloodshot eyes planted on me.
She smirked at me with a nasty, insane look that made my flesh crawl as I sat up straight in my chair and waited for whatever madness that was about to come out of her mouth. She said nothing at first though, she just walked around the table and ran her dirty, wrinkled hand across my brother’s nappy head. I watched as Sha cringed in fear when her fingers touched him and he quickly got up and ran away. He didn’t even like my mother to look at him, let alone touch him, so I knew he was waiting for the perfect time to leave the moment he saw her come in.
“Awwww Shamel, how you gonna act like that with yo mama…lil retarded mute ass!” My mother yelled after Sha as she laughed a raspy, insane laugh while looking at me.
I couldn’t help but to roll my eyes and suck my teeth at her because she made me furious whenever she messed with or talked about Sha. He wasn’t retarded and she knew it. He was born addicted to heroin and was expected to be mentally retarded but he wasn’t. He was actually really smart, always reading and telling me stories about princesses and castles. However, he never let the rest of the world see that side of him. He cut everyone else off, not letting them get close enough to hurt him. He did that because of the things my mother had done to him. She had caused everything bad in me and Terricka’s lives, and was doing the same to him, yet she blamed him for his own inadequacies.
“He isn’t retarded mama, just stop, please. Let me run you a bath and make some coffee.” I said getting up and heading over to the stove to put on a pot of water.
I could feel my mother’s eyes on my back as I turned on the burner and put the pot of water I filled up on it while she continued to laugh, causing the hair on the back of my neck to stand up.
“Awww Shartisha doesn’t like when I talk about her lil retarded brother, huh? I’m supposed to just ignore the fact that the lil faggot is ten years old and won’t talk. He won’t talk to me or anybody else, nobody, but you and your sister anyway. Oh, so that’s normal, huh? Fuck that, that muthafucka is retarded…a damn Radio.” My mother said laughing as I looked down at the boiling water in the pot while biting my bottom lip, holding my rage inside.
A part of me just wanted to turn around and punch her right in her fucking face, but I knew how that would end. Terricka had tried that once and my mother broke her hand by hitting her with a metal bat as she blocked her head. I knew my mother was too crazy and reckless to buck like that so like always, I sucked up my feelings. I closed my eyes and listened to the lyrics of our salvation song in my head as my mother continued to rage. I must have zoned out or something because the next thing I knew my mother had grabbed me by the back of my hair with one hand and punched me in the stomach with the other as she bent me over the boiling pot, pushing my face closer to the heat.
“Now listen here lil bitch, don’t you ever tune me out like what I’m saying is irrelevant. I run this, I run you. That lil fucker is retarded and you and Shaterricka are some lazy, little, ungrateful bitches, but guess what? All that shit finna end. Now, my shit got cut off so in order for US to keep a roof over our heads you lil bitches going to pull y’all weight. That means what the fuck I say goes. Do you understand me, Shartisha?” My mother yelled at me as she pushed my face so close to the boiling water I could feel the steam sear my skin.
I struggled in my mama’s grip as she pushed me closer to the water and my body began to tremble. I couldn’t imagine a parent doing something so hateful to their child as tears fell from my eyes into the boiling pot that my mother was about to drown me in. It was my worst nightmare coming true and I couldn’t get out of it. I knew I had to go along with whatever she said to save myself. I had to do what I always did, surrender.
“So starting in a couple of weeks Sharterricka and you will joining in the family business.” My mama said before laughing as I gave her a crazy look out of the corner of my eye as she continued to hold my face over the pot.
I couldn’t understand what business she was talking about. I tried hard to figure out what business she meant, the being a crazy, evil bitch business or the thieving junky business. I wanted no parts of either of them; however, something inside told me that neither of them were what my mother was talking about.
“I’m going to put a b
ell outside of y’all door to let y’all know when to get ready. I will send up customers that don’t want me, but are looking for something younger and you and your sister will do whatever they want. I don’t want to hear no shit either Tisha because y’all heifas owe me. I sacrificed everything to have y’all asses and now it’s time you pay me back. Remember, I see and hear everything too, Tisha, the robots tell me everything so if you try to get help or sabotage my shit in any way you will suffer. I may just make Shamel suffer to show you I mean what the fuck I’m saying. Now, are you ready to act right or do I have to dip yo fucking face in this pot and give you a chemical peel from hell?” My mother asked me as she held my head tighter, jerking it close to the water and then pulling it away.
My heart was stuck in my throat and I felt as if I would faint as I replayed everything she had just said in my head. I couldn’t believe it, but she wanted to sell us to men to support her habits because she surely wasn’t going to buy food or clothes with it. I hated her for even suggesting something like that, but I knew it was no fighting it. I had to do what she said or else.
“Yes Mama, I understand. Please mama, let me go, you’re hurting me.” I cried as my mother laughed before letting me go and standing back to watch me cower in the corner by the stove and cry.
I could tell that she enjoyed seeing me suffer as her eyes lit up watching me shake in fear. In that moment I felt the rage Terricka always felt, but I held it inside.
“Come give mama some sugar.” My mother suddenly said raising her arms and motioning for me to come over.
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