“It’s okay little sister. It’s gonna get better. We just gotta hold on like you said. In two months it will be April, and I will be eighteen. I’m gonna get a job and get us the fuck out of here. You just gotta hold on like me. Besides, February 5th is just two days away... your 17th birthday. I promise there will be no pain that day. I promise.” Terricka said as I thought about her words.
I hadn’t realized time had flew by so fast. In two months my sister would be old enough to walk away, leaving me to bare all of the pain. Although I knew she would never do that, I couldn’t help but feel anxious and afraid. I didn’t want to live in fear of being alone, or fear of being molested, sold, or beaten every day. I was ready for the madness to end. I was slowly reaching the end of my rope, yet no one really saw it.
“I hate mama just like you, Terricka, but I think that hate is growing more and more each day. We can’t keep letting her get away with this. I won’t keep letting her get away with this.” I said with conviction as I sat up and looked my sister in the eyes.
I dried my tears as I stared at the only friend I had in the world, my big sister. She had endured just as much pain as I had and it was time for it to end.
“All of this shit about to end T. I mean that. I don’t even feel like that old, timid me anymore. I’m tired of being mild manner and obedient. Always making excuses for mama when she’s hurt us time and time again. I’m tired of just letting shit happen. The next nigga who comes into this room looking for a good fuck will get more than he bargained for. I promise you that!” I said to my sister as I thought about the knife my uncle had given me that I had hid under the bed.
I decided right then to fight back. I wasn’t going to let people easily take pieces of me anymore. I was ready to reverse the curse and give my mama back her own crosses to bear.
Chapter 3
I woke up the next morning energized, ready to get out of my mother’s house and go to school. I looked forward to Mondays, the beginning of the week which signified I had four additional opportunities to be away from the living hell my mother had created. Even if it was only for eight hours a day, it didn’t matter, school was my refuge. I loved to learn and reading was like my drug. I would get lost in books for hours, just pretending to be someone I wasn’t. Being anyone other than me was better.
I looked at myself in the mirror as I pulled on my dingy, white uniform shirt and wished I had a different life. I wished I had a mother who actually washed clothes, cleaned the house, and cooked food like all the mothers in the books I read did. Instead, I had a mother that did nothing but get high, have sex, and inflict pain on others. I went to school with dirty, outdated clothes on, and a nappy head every day. I was picked on all of the time by the other seniors and even underclassmen because of the way I dressed and I hated it.
I just wanted to be accepted and to have friends; however, my sister was the only friend I had. Being a senior herself, and a gang member made Terricka exempt from the bullying I had to endure. Every female in the school was afraid of her so even though she dressed bummy too, they never had the guts to fuck with her. Me, I was fair game though. Roxxy and her gang of skank hoes thought of me as an easy target, especially since she knew that I would never tell my sister about what they did to me. I didn’t want my sister to get in trouble because I knew she was close to being expelled and I wanted her to stay in school with me and graduate.
I needed my sister to graduate with me so I just took all the snide remarks, missing books, and stupid shit wrote on my locker. I took it all in stride, knowing that I would get peace when I got in class and when I got home I could disappear to my room. That was the way I dealt with it all. However, thinking of the new torture waiting on me when I got home, I hoped that I could still ignore the bullshit. I was feeling less and less like the weak Tisha everyone thought I was. I was tired of people treating me the way they wanted to. I was finally fed the fuck up.
“Today gonna be different. I’m not taking no shit from nobody. All of the anger I have for Denise and Jerome will be unleashed on the first bitch who messes with me today. I mean that!” I said to myself as I brushed my long, thick, nappy hair into a semi-neat ponytail.
I could see the conviction in my own eyes as I glanced at myself in the mirror once more before leaving the room. The usual stale, sweaty smell of crack mixed with bodily fluids met me in the hallway as I left me and Terricka’s bedroom. I glanced down the hall towards my mother’s room and noticed the door was open before slipping over to peek in. When I did get a glimpse of my mother laying naked in bed with the man who cleaned up paper and trash in the apartments we lived in, I almost threw up in my mouth. All I could do was muffle my groans by holding my hand over my mouth before quickly running down stairs.
I couldn’t believe how nasty and disrespectful my mother was. Since from as far back as I could remember, my mother had gotten progressively worse as a mother and a person for that matter. It was like she really didn’t care about anything but her drugs and satisfying her own needs. I couldn’t remember a time when there wasn’t some type of pain in our lives that our mother didn’t cause. Every time our lives would get a little better and we would feel hopeful my mother would come back around and ruin it all. She was like a dark cloud over our lives that just continued to pummel us with storms, and I was tired of getting wet. I was tired of her thinking she could do whatever she wanted to.
“Uggghhh, I’m starting to hate that bitch!” I said to myself as I walked into the kitchen, bumping into my sister as I continued to think about the sickening spectacle I had just seen.
“I hate that bitch too, Tisha. I know you talking about mama, so I don’t even have to ask. I guess you saw her up there in bed with the man who picks up paper too. That fucking lady is out of control. We’re not coming back here tonight until late. Hopefully, if we stay out late enough, she will be gone or passed out by the time we come home. Sha, when you get out of school go straight to the Boys and Girls Club. We’ll come get you before we come home.” Terricka said turning to look at Sha as he shook his head that he understood while eating his bowl of Fruity O’s with water.
“Where are we gonna go, T?” I asked my big sister as I walked over to Sha to eat a spoon of his cereal.
We were so used to not having what we needed, eating cereal with water didn’t even matter. We were just happy we had something to eat, although that was still not from any efforts of our mother. Everything we had to eat, drink, and wear mostly came from me stealing from my mother’s tricks and Terricka’s gang activities. Whenever she could cut school or sneak away at night, my sister would hit the street with her G’s and get money. My sister had tried to get me to join the gang many times too, so that I could have the protection and opportunities to make money she got. However, that wasn’t for me.
I never wanted to be the type to run with a gang just doing bad shit to be doing it. I liked to keep a close circle and just lay low, drawing little to no attention to myself. Terricka was just the opposite and so was her gang, which is why I usually stayed away from them. After eating a few spoons of cereal and then looking back at Terricka and seeing that sneaky smile on her face, I knew staying away from her gang was about to get harder.
“Maine Tisha, we need food, clothes, and some more shit. I’m finna be eighteen and you know I’m put out on my birthday whether I want to be or not. Denise already made that clear, so I gotta get some money, NOW! You need some too so you and Sha can roll with me. I can’t leave y’all here with her. We just need enough money to get far the fuck away from Tennessee as possible. Denise ain’t looking for us beyond Tennessee. Hell, she might not even look beyond Memphis. We just gotta go. I ain’t gonna get you in nothing I can’t get you out of lil sis. Trust me.” Terricka said as she came over to me, snatching Sha’s spoon out of my hand and eating a spoon of cereal herself.
I stood there and thought about what my sister had said, weighing my options as her and Sha finished the cereal. I knew that my sister was telling t
he truth, I did have to start thinking about getting away. I just didn’t want to have to rob, sell drugs, or beat people to get it. As I thought about what I would do, I suddenly heard footsteps over my head. Terricka, Sha, and I all paused, staring at the ceiling as the person walked towards the stairs. My heart raced in my chest as I watched Terricka motion for me and Sha to creep out of the kitchen door as she circled around the table.
I quickly backed out as Sha burst out of the door and Terricka and I followed. My mother’s voice yelling our names trailed us through the parking lot as we ran across the grass and cut between two buildings. Just as we disappeared behind a building, I looked back to see my mother standing in the door still naked, smoking a cigarette. Embarrassed was not the word for what I felt as the Freak of Breezy Point, my mother, continued to yell my name as I ran.
We ran all the way to Sha’s school, not taking a second to catch our breath. When we finally did stop running, I gasped for air as Terricka cursed and raged while Sha looked on.
“How dare that bitch do that in front of everybody. Maine, I hate her. I can’t wait to get away from her. Uggh, I just want to kill that bitch. Hell, she trying to kill us. Why can’t I get the bitch before she gets me?” Terricka raged as she lit a cigarette of her own.
Watching her stand there raging intensely as she deeply inhaled the cigarette smoke made me think of my mother. Some times when Terricka was really mad, I could see my mother come out of her. I never told her that though because I knew she would probably kick my ass. I wondered could I act like my mother, all reckless and just crazy if pushed. I wondered did I really have that mean, insane streak in me that my mother had. I wondered and I would soon find out.
“Don’t say that in front of Sha anymore Terricka. Don’t worry about anything lil bruh. We gonna be okay. Just go in school, do your work, and go to the Boys and Girls Club afterwards. Everything will be fine when you get home tonight. Okay?” I said hugging my brother before fixing his clothes and pushing him towards the walkway to his school.
I watched him as he took a couple of steps forward with his head down and shoulders slumped before turning to look at me.
“You don’t have to hide things from me, Tisha. I’m not a baby anymore. I know what’s going on and I think I hate mama more than y’all do. Hurry up and get us away from her… Please!” Sha said before turning back around and hurrying into the building.
He left Terricka and me standing there thinking about what he said. The little brother we thought we were protecting, knew way more than we gave him credit for. That wasn’t all that surprising to me though because no matter how much he disappeared and tried to make himself invisible, I knew that he could still hear and see. I hated it, but I knew that my little brother was aware of the new business our mother had set up. He saw the men coming to our room and I know he heard our cries. I hated he had to go through that and I wanted to get him out of that more every time I thought about it.
“This shit gotta end.” I told Terricka after watching Sha disappeared into the building and walking away.
Terricka and I went over a plan to lay low for the next two months as we walked to school. Terricka said if we just stayed away from the house as much as possible and pooled our money together we would be okay and make it until April. I believed that our plan could work and even started feeling more confident as I walked down Steele Street with my sister by my side. When we got in front of The Overlook Apartments, which was across the street from Frayser High, my sister and I parted ways. I felt a little lonely and vulnerable as I watched my sister walk over to the dozen GD’s standing in front of the apartments smoking weed, and showed them love. Terricka shook up with everyone, grabbed a blunt, and began puffing it as she counted the bags of weed she pulled out of her stash spot.
I walked on towards the school glancing back at my sister periodically as she sold drugs to the other school kids and laughed with her friends. I really envied the confidence and ability to fit in my sister had. No matter how much I tried to fit in and belong, I still stood out. I was the smart girl all of the other girls hated and I was that weird girl who was always reading that the boys ignored. It seemed like I didn’t fit in anywhere so I tried to fade into the background. The only people at school who recognized me and cared that I was alive were my teachers. My teachers made school a fun, welcoming place for me. It was good that someone wanted me around because it was clear that Roxxy and her crew didn’t.
“Look who it is, the skank, junky hoe’s daughter. I guess we should call her the mini hoe.” Roxxy said laughing as her crew joined in and I tried to push past them to get up the steps to enter the school.
My ex-best friend since first grade, Roxxy, and her crew of little minions made a wall with their bodies, trying to block my way. I glanced back over my shoulder and saw my sister looking in our direction as I got the courage to push passed Roxxy and her friends.
“Just leave me alone, Roxxy, before Terricka sees you. Just leave me the fuck alone anyway. Damn. You don’t fuck with me anymore and I don’t fuck with you so why do you make me so relevant in your life. Hell, you think about me more than you think about yourself. Lame ass. I’m tired of the shit so just find you something else to do.” I said as I pushed my way into the building.
I could hear them laughing and making fun of me as I rushed into the building, holding my books tightly in front of me. I glanced back to see my sister walking towards the school smiling as Roxxy trailed behind me with a sinister look on her face. When I got to the doorway of my favorite class, literature, Roxxy grabbed me by the back of my shirt causing me to spin around.
“This isn’t over bitch. I’m gonna get yo smart mouth ass. Hoe, you the child of a junky prostitute. How the fuck you gonna buck at me? I’ma get you though. Your sister ain’t gonna be here to save you, bitch, and I’ma fuck you up.” Roxxy said pushing me as her crew crowded around.
The fear I usually felt when Roxxy and her crew would corner me was gone as I felt rage take over. I couldn’t see that bully bitch who tortured me every day when I looked at Roxxy at that moment. All I saw when I looked into her pimply, red face was the little cry baby bitch I used to protect. Back when Roxxy and I were best friends she was the weak, vulnerable one I would always defend. When people would talk about her father being a crackhead and her mother being crazy, I was the one who defended her.
Our backgrounds were so similar it was only right that we became best friends, and I naturally took on the role as protector when I saw how much everyone else made fun of her. Roxxy and I were inseparable until our freshmen year. Ninth grade is when everything went downhill and I wondered how Roxxy and I had ever been friends. One moment she was at my house spending the night and the next thing I knew her father, Jerome, was running out of my mother’s room naked as her mother chased him downstairs with a bat.
From that moment forward, her mother’s hate for MY mother became her hate for me. She condemned me because my mother broke up her parent’s relationship and her father moved out to live in the crack house around the corner. She blamed me for everything and vowed to make my life a living hell. Up until that moment, Roxxy had done a great job at upholding her promise of making my life miserable too. She had done everything in her power to break me, from humiliation to exposing my mother’s lifestyle. She had done it all, but I still held my head up high while soaking it all in. I was done soaking it all in though. I was at the end of my rope with her bullshit and my rage was just about to explode.
“BITCH, do what you want to. You know what? Fuck YOUUU!” I yelled as I rushed towards Roxxy with my hands out, ready to strangle her ass in front of the entire school.
I could feel my hands around her skinny throat as I squeezed the life out of her; however, that fantasy never came true. Before I could get to her my literature teacher, Mr. Glass, had rushed out of his class room to grab me up and carry me inside. I continued to curse at Roxxy causing the crowd of kids standing around to yell and laugh as Mr. Glass carried me
to my desk and sat me down. I growled and hit my desk as Mr. Glass tried to calm me down by telling me how bright my future was.
I didn’t want to hear that shit about a bright future Mr. Glass was saying when I couldn’t see past my miserable existence. I rolled my eyes, blocking out what Mr. Glass was saying as I looked out into the hall to see my sister and her friends standing in the crowd behind Roxxy and her crew. Terricka looked at the back of Roxxy’s head and smirked before she whispered for me to be ready after class. I knew that whether I wanted to or not it was going to be a fight that day. Roxxy had finally let Terricka see what I had been hiding from her and her ass was about to pay for it.
The entire 90 minute block I was in Mr. Glass’ class I watched the clock, just counting down the minutes until class was over. At 9:45 a.m. when that bell rang my heart raced in my chest and my butt felt glued to the chair as I tried to get up. Everything seemed to move in slow motion when I finally made it into the hallway and walked passed Roxxy as she rolled her eyes and her friends threw paper, pencils, and pennies at me. I held my breath and swallowed back my screams as I made my way over to the north stairwell where my sister and her gang hung out.
SINS OF THY MOTHER Page 3
