Out in the waiting area, Ellen sprang up to her feet as I came around the corner – and then her mouth dropped open as her eyes shifted to Dr. Daniels. "Wow," she managed to get out, looking like someone had just lightly smacked her in the face.
I winced as I saw her eyes blatantly scan the good doctor from head to crotch, and then back up to his face. "Ellen, this is Dr. Rick Daniels, my obstetrician," I introduced her. "Dr. Daniels-"
"Rick," he corrected gently, shifting his smile to me.
I melted under it, just as he surely knew that I would. "Right, Rick. This is my best friend, Ellen Beckers."
"A pleasure," he said, shaking Ellen's hand – but his eyes seemed drawn back to me. "Now, Tori, just because everything looks good for the moment, this doesn't mean that you can fully relax. This is your first pregnancy, so I need you on your toes." He glanced past me. "Is the father around?"
"No," I said, and even the heart-meltingly gorgeous doctor couldn't fully block the surge of coldness and warmth, totally conflicting emotions, that shot through me at the thought of Seb. "He isn't. Not any longer."
Wisely, Rick decided not to pry any deeper into that particular nest of vipers. "Okay, then," he said, glancing back towards the nurse's station. "Will you hold on for just a moment? Let me check to see if we've got your chart fully updated."
As soon as Rick moved away from the two of us, Ellen spun to me, her mouth still hanging loose. "Oh my god," she whispered to me. "How have you never mentioned him? Forget that – how have you never tackled him in the examination room and let him get in an extra-special exam, if you know what I mean?"
I winced, hoping desperately that the man couldn't hear us. "Shush! I only met Rick after I got pregnant, and I wanted things to work with Seb. What am I supposed to do, proposition him while I've got another man's baby inside of me?"
"Yes!" Ellen dropped this word as if it ought to be obvious. "Your vagina isn't totally closed, and besides, your boobs have never been bigger! And he's clearly into you!"
"No he isn't." I glanced over at Rick again, unable to ignore the bulge of his broad shoulders as he leaned slightly forward over the nurse's station, his flexing muscles visible even through the white doctor's coat. "Is he?"
Ellen punched me in the shoulder. "No way to know for certain unless you ask him! You need to get over Sebastian – and the best way, in my experience, is to get under someone else!"
Rick finally came back over to us, smiling as his eyes returned to me. "Yes, it looks like you're all set," he said, taking my hand and patting it with his. "Now, you take it easy, okay? Don't do anything too stressful before this baby arrives."
"What about after the baby comes?" Ellen asked.
My cheeks flamed red and I quickly looked away, hoping in vain that Rick didn't notice. He, however, just chuckled. "As long as she doesn't strain herself too much, I think a little excitement might be acceptable," he said, and his eyes lingered on me. "She can always call me up and ask for permission, too."
I just knew that Ellen was about to ask for his number for me, try and set up a date. But just as she opened her mouth, her phone started ringing inside her purse. Oh, thank goodness for that.
Ellen turned away to answer her phone, and I took advantage of her lapse in concentration to reclaim my hand from Dr. Rick Daniels. "Thank you, Dr. Daniels," I said.
He nodded. "I'm looking forward to seeing you again, Ms. Lilly."
I turned away, heading out towards the waiting room where Ellen had stepped to take the phone call. I knew, however, that he hadn't missed seeing me blush from how he said my name, how his eyes lingered on me.
Maybe Ellen was right. Maybe I did need to move past Seb by dating someone else. But that would come later, once I was ready. I still felt that confusing swirl of mixed emotions whenever I thought of Seb, still couldn't stop myself from thinking of him, even in moments like this.
If Seb was here with me, he'd just laugh at any suggestion that the good doctor wanted to take me out on a date. He'd laugh, but I'd see that competitive little spark flare in his eyes, and he'd take every opportunity to put his arm around me, to caress me, to make it clear that he and I were very much together, and were going to stay that way.
Heading out to find where Ellen had wandered off to while speaking on the phone, I once again found Seb filling my head, occupying my thoughts. I knew him so well, I could predict exactly what he'd say.
Somehow, knowing those words comforted me, in a strange way. I tried not to think about it as I looked for my best friend.
Chapter Twenty-Five
TORI
*
I found Ellen all the way out in the main lobby area of the hospital. No longer on the phone, she instead scowled down at the piece of electronics on her palm when I caught up with her.
"Hey," I said, hating how I already felt a bit out of breath, just from walking down a single hallway. Hauling this nearly-full-term baby around with me was exhausting! "Who was on the phone?"
She glanced up at me in surprise, as if she hadn't heard my huffing and puffing as I approached her. She paused for a second before answering, her eyes flicking briefly back to the screen of the phone, and I guessed who had called.
"It was Seb, wasn't it?" I guessed, and her stiffening shoulders provided answer enough. "Why? What did he want?"
He hadn't reached out to me in weeks – no, more than a month by now. Why would he change his mind? And why would he call Ellen?
Actually, I knew the answer to that last question. If he called me, there's no way that I'd pick up that phone call. I'd block it, send it straight to voicemail, and then delete the voicemail without listening to it, just for good measure. I already had to deal with his voice inside my head. I didn't need to hear his actual voice on my phone, as well.
Ellen bit her lip for a second, but I kept looking at her and waiting for an answer. "He wanted to talk to you, that's all," she finally said, shrugging and trying to act like it wasn't a big deal. "Has he tried calling you yet?"
I pulled my own phone out of my purse, checked it. "Nope. Nothing."
"Well, I told him that you definitely didn't want to talk to him at all right now, and if you changed your mind, you'd be the one to call him. Right?"
You don't need to call me to hear my voice, said the voice of Seb inside my head. You know me well enough to hear me right here, whenever you want.
Oh, yeah? I challenged that voice inside of my head. Then why are you calling? What do you want from me now? To torture me some more, or to try and apologize for everything that you did? Because it's a case of too little, too late, baby.
The voice of Seb inside my head was silent to that, and I chalked it up as a win. A win against myself, admittedly, but it still was better than a loss. Or maybe he just wanted to call to brag about some chick that he'd just scored, tell me how he totally had his old life back.
I wouldn't do that, Seb's voice piped up in my head again, as if I hadn't just won an argument against him. I do a lot of stupid things, Tori, but I wouldn't hurt you in that way.
Yeah, well, I wouldn't put it past him. He'd spit it out and only realize halfway through saying it that it might not seem as wonderful to me as it did to him.
That was the old me. The new me is more mature-
"Then why did you leave?" I screamed at him inside my head. "Why did you walk out on me, if you've become more mature? You're just the same old immature spoiled brat, living in the moment and never able to think about the future!"
"Um, Tori?"
I blinked, looked up at Ellen. "What?"
"Are you okay?" she asked softly, and I suddenly realized that I'd shouted those last words out loud, albeit still under my breath. One of the nurses gave me a sidelong glance as he hurried past me. Probably wondering whether he'd need to tackle me and force me back into my straitjacket, I assumed gloomily.
I took a deep breath, or at least as deep as I could breathe with this stupid big baby pushing up against the bottom of my
lungs. "Yeah, I'm fine," I said, although I could hear the shakiness in my own voice. "And everything's good with the doctor, so we can get out of here and go back home."
"Did you get his number?" I glared so fiercely at Ellen that she took a step back, holding up her hands as if to ward off incoming blows. "Hey, sorry! No need to snap at me and bite my head off."
For a moment longer, sudden anger filled me – but then it vanished, replaced just as abruptly as it had appeared. Instead, I now felt tired – and at the same time, ravenously hungry.
"No, I'm sorry," I admitted. "But let's get out of here. Maybe we could swing through a drive-through place on the way home, grab a bite to eat?"
Ellen laughed. "As long as we finish it in the car and throw away the bag before we get all the way back and Vicky spots it. She'll be heartbroken that you didn't ask her to cook something for you." She glanced around the lobby of the hospital. "Ooh, hold on a second."
A moment later, Ellen was back, this time pushing a wheelchair. I hesitated for a second, debating whether I wanted to accept the ignominy of being pushed out to the car in a wheelchair, like an invalid. My feet settled the matter for me by letting out a twinge of pain that shot up my legs and nearly made me stumble, however, and I gave in and dropped down into the chair.
Ellen didn't say anything else until after we'd received our food at the second window of the Burger King. She cleared her throat hesitantly as I took a huge bite out of the double cheeseburger I'd ordered, holding one hand under my chin to catch the drips of sauce.
"So," she began. "Have you thought about, er, plans for after the baby is born?"
I looked over at her, taking advantage of my mouthful of food to buy myself a couple seconds. "What do you mean?" I asked after I managed to swallow the big mouthful of hot meat, half-melted cheese, and soft bun.
She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel. "Vicky really likes you – I think she's decided that you're basically an adopted second daughter, now. But while we're happy to have you living with us for as long as you want, there isn't really a lot of space for a baby in the apartment with the rest of us."
Ellen did have a point. I'd have to put the baby's crib in my own room, and while I loved living with Ellen and her mom, I couldn't picture myself raising an infant there. "I guess I was thinking of moving out," I said. "I do have plenty of money to find a place of my own, now. Someplace for a fresh start."
Someplace where you'll be away from me? Seb's voice challenged me, inside of my head. Is that why you want to get away? Afraid that if you stay near me, I'll manage to win you back again?
I ignored the mental voice, instead trying to focus on what my best friend was saying. "We'll miss you if you go, but I think that it's a good chance," she said, nodding to herself. "And you've done so much for us already – the café has never been making as much money as it does now, and with less effort at the same time! I don't know why you didn't go into business management from the beginning."
Because Sebastian Stone lured me into the party scene instead, I thought to myself. And I willingly followed him, because I was young and ignorant and in love and wanted to live in the glamorous limelight. I didn't know then that my time in the spotlight, in the clubs and at those expensive parties, wouldn't last forever.
I waited for Seb's voice inside my head to say something taunting, make a smart-ass remark about how I should have been watching out for myself instead of relying on him to do it for me.
He didn't say it. I'm sorry, I heard faintly inside my head.
What? Excuse me?
I'm sorry, his voice repeated. You're totally right. You could have been successful on your own, but I lured you away, changed your future to this. It's my fault, and I'm the one to blame. I never should have taken you away from your studies, from your own bright future. It was selfish of me.
I wasn't quite sure how to handle this. I knew it wasn't the real Seb speaking these words, just an imagined version inside my head.
Would the real Seb say the same thing? Or was I just projecting what I wanted to hear?
"I could still go back and finish up my degree," I said out loud to Ellen. "There are probably other businesses that would love my help, just like Vicky and River's Edge Café. I could use it as my first case study, show that I can help other small, local businesses earn more and succeed."
Ellen nodded. "I bet you'd be great at it, too. You really care about helping people, Tori."
Unexpectedly, my eyes filled with tears. "Thanks," I choked out, leaning awkwardly across the central console of the car to hug Ellen.
She hugged me back, even though she had to reach further since my big pregnant belly got in the way. "Any time," she assured me, her voice catching. "Now, let's get you home before you end up delivering the baby right here in my car, okay?"
Back at home, I lay on my bed and gazed up at the ceiling of the room. I tried to imagine Seb sitting there beside me, or maybe laying back with my head resting on his stomach like a pillow.
Did you really mean it? I asked the mental version of him. Are you really sorry that you got me into all of this in the first place, all the partying and drinking and not working on building a future for myself?
I practically felt his abs tense beneath my head as he winced. I didn't even think about my own future, much less anyone else's, he replied to me. I can accept that I screwed up my own future, but it hurts me so much that I ruined yours, as well. I didn't know what I'd done at first, and by the time that I realized, I couldn't fix it. So I just said nothing and kept going, hoping that I'd figure something out later on.
"Didn't really work out, did it?" I asked aloud, patting my swollen, massive belly.
My mental version of Seb laughed along with me, but then his nonexistent hand tilted my face up towards him, even as he sat up and leaned over me. Maybe it did work out, better than I realized, he said to me. This isn't the future that I imagined, but it's something.
For a moment, I imagined him leaning in to kiss me, to pull my body against him, kiss away the concern and pain and regret over what might have been. But I resisted the mental picture, waving my hands above my head in the air as if trying to sweep away the cobwebs of the idea from my brain.
"No!" I sat up, turning on the bed to glare at the imaginary Seb. "You don't want this future! You ran away, back to go be irresponsible and keep on partying and getting drunk and sleeping with random women! Don't try and tell me that we can be together, that we can still have some kind of fucked-up future together with this child, when the real-life version of you couldn't even stick around until it was born!"
I glared back at my mental version of Seb, waiting for him to defend himself, to make some kind of crack or taunt. He, however, just sat there looking silently back at me.
I'm just a voice in your head, he finally pointed out. But you know me pretty well. Maybe the real-life version of me is thinking the same things, and wants to say them to you. Maybe he regrets his choice as much as I do.
"Yeah, well, too bad and too late," I grumbled, even as my heart cracked inside my chest at the possibility. For all that I told myself I was past Seb, that I'd moved on beyond him, I still felt that last flame of love, guttering but not yet extinguished.
Try as I might, I couldn't quite bring myself to snuff it out.
Instead, I pulled out my phone and started searching for apartment listings. After a few pages, I switched over to house listings instead, widening my search out to towns on the west coast of the United States. I'd always wanted to move closer to the ocean, someplace where I could sit and just watch the waves.
Once the baby came, I'd pack up and leave. Maybe then, in a new place, with a whole new take on life, I'd finally be ready to snuff out that last little flame of flickering love.
Chapter Twenty-Six
SEBASTIAN
*
Ellen didn't say anything to me, either that time or the next three times that I called her. It wasn't until the fifth call when she finall
y paused for a second instead of immediately hanging up on me.
"Do you have any idea how annoying you are?" she yelled into the phone, so loudly that I had to hold my own cell phone several inches from my ear. "If I knew how to block a number on this stupid cell phone, I'd do it to you – and I'm really close to being annoyed enough to look it up so that I can do it to you!"
"Wait, wait!" I got out, speaking as quickly as I could in hopes that she'd hear before hanging up. "I really need to talk to you!"
"Yeah, well, I don't have any interest in listening," she countered. "You're a disgusting pig, you know that? I can't believe that you'd dare to run out on Tori like you did! What the hell is wrong with you? She's got your kid growing inside of her, and you ran away from that! You might still be rich, but you're also the worst person I've ever met-"
"Yes, I know, I know," I said, wincing at the barrage of insults, doubly so because I knew they were all true. "I'm the worst, and I deserve every bad thing that you want to say about me, but that's not really why I'm calling you."
"Well, too bad, because that's all I've got to say to you!" And then, with a click, she hung up on me.
Three calls later, she finally picked up again. "Asswipe," she snarled into the phone.
"Yeah, that's me. Look, if I sit here and listen to all your insults, will you then let me say my piece to you?"
She paused for a moment, perhaps surprised by this offer. "Fine. But trust me, I've got a lot of them saved up. And they're pretty offensive."
"Fire away. I can handle it."
"You better keep on listening," she said after a second. "If you've just put me on mute for a few minutes, I'll know, and then I'll definitely not listen to anything else you say."
"I'll repeat each one back to you, if that's what it takes. I just really need your help, Ellen."
"Fine. Then you'd best make sure no one else is listening to this conversation for the next five minutes." And the insults began to come.
The five minutes of insults turned out to be closer to twenty minutes. "Ouch," I said, when she finally lapsed into silence. "Some of those cut pretty deeply."
For Love of Freedom (Stone Brothers Book 3) Page 17
