Questions for the Soul
It seems the more they learn the more questions are left unanswered. Everyone in this mix of circumstances is in a state of upheaval. Beliefs and perceptions are questioned at every turn and just when the ground seems solid beneath their feet, something else gives way. In one fell swoop reality becomes the fantasy and there is no longer a clear differentiation.
Joanna finds herself completely stumped. There is no possible way she can come up with to explain the girls’ skin, and the missing birthmarks. There is no explanation for the endorphins, or the mutilated organs of Amber's step father. She is drowning in questions and even the slightest hint of an answer only makes the situation worse for her. She has begun to feel complicated feelings again for James and she knows it is only her guilt and selfishness for how she hurt him in the first place. She still wants him there and available even though there is no logic in it. She is still a woman, and women don't have to be logical. Even scientists have their moments of insecurity. Love and desire have nothing to do with science after all.
Joanna is a passionate woman and has come between the two most amazing men she has ever met, loving them both, has given her body to them and wrapped them around her little finger. It was never her intention to break the strength of their friendship or twist their hearts into angry and jealous knots, men too have irrational feelings sometimes. She follows her feelings and her desires, taking what she wants, when she wants it. Looking back now she knows she made the biggest mistake of her life. She can't mend the pain she caused James, she is powerless to return his friendship with her husband. She fails to hide the desire in her eyes when she looks at him and she cannot force her feelings to fade. They don't serve her well, she is left feeling she is living a lie. She loves her husband and there is no doubt they are meant to be together. Why is she finding it so impossible to make her desire for James just disappear?
He has found love, she can see it in his eyes, and the way he moves. Amber gives him purpose. He is strong, confident and extremely sexy again. The pain and the weakness she caused him has disappeared. Amber makes him happy and though Joanna is glad to see it, it also torments her. He has been lost to her. There is no going back now. She can't leave her husband at any moment and fall into his waiting arms and bed. The security is gone. She feels like a total ass for even thinking of him in this way, but it is the truth of it. She has lost her fall-back guy and it stings. She has to buck up and take it. It is her turn to suffer a little on his behalf. It is well earned and Karma is a bitch sometimes.
She determines to break this case to make it up to him. She will find something to help him with the most difficult puzzle they have ever faced. Seeing him as a colleague and a friend and nothing more is a challenge, but she is developing her boundaries, refraining from looking at him with the desire he reads on her in an instant. If she guards her emotions, she can finally set him free. She knows this will help him to be happy. She sets her mind back on the case and begins to muddle through all of the details that don't seem to make any sense. She tries to stop dreaming about kissing him, remembering how his body felt up against her, but she can't forget the passion she has known with him and no one else. He is very different from her husband, more wild and less stable, more passionate and less steadfast, more rough and tumble and less refined. These were her reasons for not choosing him when she had the chance, and now they are the very things she finds so appealing about him.
She never wants to forget the rain pouring down over them as he kissed her. The wind threatening to blow them over, a hurricane blowing around them as he stops the world with his touch. They stood allowing everything to wash away around them, his arms the most perfect and safe place in the world. Perhaps it is the realization that her life is again falling into chaos that is causing his current desirability. She wants comfort and an anchor from the storm that is so devastatingly brewing around them. She can't discuss the case and all it's gory and frustrating details with her husband and it is driving her crazy. Deciding her marriage is far more important than the rules, Joanna intends to bring her husband into her world. Hoping there is something he can help her see she is missing, she is willing to take the risk. Joanna needs to allow Tanner to save her this time.
He was once on the force with them, and is now working in a nearby precinct. The conflict of interest forced him to move when they began seeing each other. Tanner chose to separate himself from the questions and the guilt their choices caused... He knows James is not the kind of man to sleep with another man's wife no matter what the history between them. He knows James is honorable in the deepest sense of the word and no matter how their love for Joanna has come between them, they will always be the best of friends. They can't stand to be near each other right now, but both know it is temporary and as time passes will fade. They will always have each other's backs despite the distance. No woman could really break their bond.
Men have a special way of knowing how to be friends even when life gets in the way. Joanna will never know the strength of the bond between them, and she will never understand how difficult it has been for them to stay distant for her. They both love her in their way and they know she loves them. Together they probably make the perfect man, but apart each has something the other cannot offer her. They love each other and so it should be no surprise she loves them as well. Though Joanna tortures herself with the situation, the men have decided it is what it is; and accept the reality of it. Their choices are what matter now. Feelings are there but actions keep them in their proper places.
Joanna is strong willed and a difficult woman at times, her heart is always in the right place. Her strength is in her ability to control her emotions and actions down to the slightest detail. Something about the boys derails this focus within her. She is good at her job because she can step back and see all the possible consequences and causes of a situation. This truly fails her when she let's her emotions run wild. She never even considered the events of just one summer could have so much power to shift the direction of their lives forever. The threesome never going camping or on trips again. The three musketeers living apart and avoiding the admission that "all for one and one for all" is their lifelong motto. The team suffering due to the break-up of its two most successful agents and Joanna wishing now; on this case, the three of them could be sleuthing together again. She doesn't know James is also thinking about getting Tanner on board.
James calls Tanner and asking him to meet he and Amber for dinner; "Joanna is invited as well, call it a double date." The two men get a laugh over how strange the evening will likely be and jokingly place wagers on whose woman will start the cat-fight first. James is well aware of the risks, Amber doesn't know about his past relationship with Joanna and will probably not understand the way she sometimes looks at him. "This case we are working on is far too screwed up and important for us to hold on to petty issues. The girls will just have to figure it out." He clears his throat and says in a quieter voice, "and so will we."
"There are things here that might take all four of us to figure out, and Amber is an important addition. She evens out the playing field. She is strong, intelligent and has some very deep insights into the case. Everyone has to be on the same page, this is a rogue operation, we are working outside of the precinct. There is no way to bring you or Amber into the mix right now that will be morally and legally acceptable."
Tanner agrees to the meeting and when Joanna finally does get around to talking to him briefly he brings it up: "By the way, James invited us out to dinner with Amber so we can talk about some problems he is having on his current case. This is all under the rug stuff of course," he says; watching for her reaction.
Damn that man is always one step ahead of me, "sounds wonderful," she says with a touch of grumpiness. Overall she is happy she doesn't have to talk him into anything. She simply hates being beaten to the punch. Though, come to think of it, these two almost always have her pegged before she even has a clue what is going on.
At least Amber will be there… Wait, why is Amber involved in the case? She isn't tied to the force at all; this could get a bit touchy. Joanna feels a bit worried about this whole thing being so far out on the fringes of propriety. At least if something goes wrong they will both get into trouble.
She knows James can be a bit hasty and sometimes a bit reckless, but never when it comes to his work. There must be something more to this than what she knows. She trusts the instincts and decisions of these two men without question, and sets her worries about James bringing his new girlfriend aside. Maybe they will even be able to enjoy a decent evening out like the old days. Maybe Amber will be the key to their spending time comfortably, the old gang back together again. That would be wonderful. She smiles as she pictures these two men standing on the balcony in the moonlight drinking beer and talking about the good old days. Their eyes lighting up and the mischievousness in their smiles giving away the closeness of their relationship.
These two men opposite sides of the same coin. Both attractive, strong and well built, with fine-tuned physiques and tight jeans to show them off. The similarities end there though. Tanner is the beach baby of the two, with his sandy blonde hair and bright blue eyes. His hair always meticulously cut and his face shaven. His neat eyebrows and buffed fingernails hide his outdoorsmen nature. He is a man who prides himself on appearing in control, and put together. James, on the other hand always wears his hair a little too long and far too often forgets to shave, he wears his passion and his restlessness on his sleeve. You don't try to settle a man like that down she keeps telling herself. Although, she has already seen a change in him since he met Amber.
The possibilities have Joanna in extremely high spirits. She truly wants the best for James and knows Amber is something special. She has seen James meet hundreds of beautiful women and not even take a second glance. It used to be that he was not interested in anything but a good time. There is obviously something unique drawing him to Amber and she can see that it is mutual. Amber looks on him with protectiveness, adoration and intensity. Joanna knows this girl will do her best to keep him safe and happy. She is a fighter and Joanna respects that. Though she is a bit younger than she might have chosen for him, she has lived a very challenging life, which has given her a maturity and understanding missing in many women. Amber exudes strength and a sense of caution that makes their whirlwind relationship all the more surprising and out of character for them both.
Now that James knows he has his friends on board, he and Amber can spend some time just being together. They put the book aside, and all the dreary worries of the world, and head to bed. Spending the remainder of the night holding each other and falling in and out of restless sleep. They are both thinking about all that has happened and how neither alone fully understands their sides of the mystery without the knowledge of the other. It seems Amber is where she is meant to be. She doesn't like the idea her relationships might have been planned for her or are of necessity. She has come to know James fair and square and wants him because it is her idea to want him. She doesn't know why she is so rebellious or even what she is really rebelling against, she only knows she wants her life to be of her own making. James too is feeling the strain of feeling boxed in. He doesn't like feeling his actions will only take him where someone else already knows he will go. The two of them are much alike in their pride and independence and will not settle easily into the role of someone else's puppets.
The night is full of tossing, turning, and fighting little Allie for the covers, She has decided the perfect place for her is right between them. Flat on her back with her legs straight up in the air, her tiny body can take up a surprisingly immense amount of real estate. If either one invades her space, she simply braces her legs against them and pushes. She is a positively successful bed hog for being so small. Amber finally decides she will have to put Allie on her own bed and hope for the best. She is met with a little pouty whine and the exhausted puppy turns around a couple times before settling with her back to Amber and falling right back to sleep.
James and Amber nuzzle together immediately responding to the stress and closeness with intense arousal. Pulling her closer, her back against him, he feels her gentle curves pushing against him. Bracing his hand against her chest he pushes her harder toward him, his desire pressing into her. Backing into him, arching her back, she rests her head on his shoulder. James kisses the side of her neck, taking the fragrance of her deep into his lungs, a subtle spicy perfume working at the store leaves all over her. He pulls away, playfully rolling her onto her back and there is nothing sleepy about their coupling. The frustrations of the world are manifest in their passion. Her legs up on his shoulders, he takes her deeply and with an urgency unrestrained. He will find release, he will find the answer. She is everything to him in this moment, nothing else exists, there is only Amber.
Her passion blazing, she takes control of the situation, straddling him and forcing him to lie back and let her have him. As she moves, she feels the heat within her, feels the need. She lets the heat flow from her hands resting on his chest, lets the power connect with his pain. She finds the wounded flesh and sees the cells joining together rebuilding. She sees the blood flowing through the knitted vessels, she pushes the threads of muscle together and wills them to join, her power burning them both with its intensity. As he explodes inside her, he buckles as a tremendous burning in his side overtakes him. Panicking he pushes her aside, barely able to breathe the pain is so intense. He is sure he has managed to kill himself this time. They warned him to take it easy.
He mumbles to her "call an ambulance." She stares at him with worry, fearing she may have done something wrong. Placing a reassuring hand on his chest, she believes he is well on his way to healing. She sees the work her energy is doing inside him. She tells him to relax and take a deep breath. Slowly breathing he finds the pain has nearly gone. He stares at her. "I feel better now," he says. "You ought to," she responds, barely more than a whisper. That was quite a mess you made of yourself. One of these days you will have to tell me how you managed. Why don't you go take a shower, sexy, and have a shave. Unwind and then hurry back to bed, I might want more. She smiles at him but he can see she is drained, he feels strangely out of touch with reality unable to process all that is happening. He can think of nothing appropriate to say so he does as she instructed.
He feels she knows something he doesn't; he is on the outside of their own little inside joke. When he gets up he realizes something has drastically changed, though he moves carefully out of habit, he can no longer feel the pull of the tight sutures within his side, the pain has completely dissipated. Putting his hand on the familiar scarring, he immediately pulls it away. The tissue is warm and smooth, there is no sign of his injury. He runs to the mirror and nearly passes out. Shock and wonder stuns him into absolute silence. He takes a shower merely to steal some time and gather his thoughts. Using her pink razor to shave, he smiles at the intimacy of sharing such simple objects. What in the hell has he gotten himself into? Should he be thrilled or terrified?
Thoughts tumble wildly around his head. Has she done something to him? He knows she has, there is no doubt she knows it too. What is she, some kind of witch? He accepts life is not anything like he thought it was before these murders and this case, though he has not come so far as to accept this kind of possibility yet...... it is truly becoming impossible to deny any longer. James doesn't know where to draw the lines anymore. Reality and fantasy have so fully merged his mind is struggling to make sense of even the small parts of it; and now this...
When he gets back to the bedroom, she is out cold, and there is no waking her. The energy she used to heal him completely wiped her out. She needs to rest. He tries to sleep beside her but is too wound up even to close his eyes for long. Getting up quietly he brings the book back to bed so he can keep an eye on her. He spends hours reading as she sleeps. By the time she wakes, he has a pretty good idea what has been going on, he has read enough to understand
her part in all of this and he also has a pretty good understanding of the rituals and sacrifices he has unwittingly become a distant observer of.
The whole scenario is beginning to make some kind of twisted sense. They have the answers, but have not asked the right questions yet. There is far more to this mystery than these girls, and this town. Amber is a part of it and now so is James. He will not let her fight this battle alone. No matter what happens, he will stand by her side. She is his little fighter, his beautiful witch, and he loves her, but honestly he is also beginning to fear her... just a little.
"Thank you," he says, kissing her on the forehead. He brushes the hair off her shoulder again noticing the tiny scar where her tear used to be. It strikes him then, she could have been one of his dead girls. She is just like them, fragile, beautiful and vulnerable to a power beyond his understanding. How could it be that she was born to fight this darkness... this evil? She seems so innocent, naive and sweet; looking up at him still shaking off the mists of sleep. He can't imagine she might one day have to battle for the survival of them all.
Amber wants to take a shower before breakfast and talks him into coming in with her. Even though he already had one. She washes his hair and he moans in pleasure. He is always surprised how much he loves the little things she does for him. He washes her hair as well and finds the soap running down her back an incredible turn on. He runs the palm of his hand down the soapy trail to brush it off and finds that he cannot stop touching her. She turns and kisses him, soap and water practically drowning her. She doesn't care, they make love once more under the pounding spray.
Awakening - Book of Fire (Blood Heritage) Page 18
