and fifty; Sebastian, so many; Corambus, so many;
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Jaques, so many; Guiltian, Cosmo, Lodowick, and
Gratii, two hundred fifty each; mine own company,
Chitopher, Vaumond, Bentii, two hundred fifty each;
so that the muster-file, rotten and sound, upon my life,
amounts not to fifteen thousand poll; half of the which
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dare not shake the snow from off their cassocks lest
they shake themselves to pieces.
BERTRAM What shall be done to him?
1 LORD Nothing but let him have thanks. Demand of
him my condition, and what credit I have with the
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duke.
1 SOLDIER Well, that’s set down. [Reads.] You shall
demand of him whether one Captain Dumaine be i’th’
camp, a Frenchman; what his reputation is with the duke,
what his valour, honesty and expertness in wars; or
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whether he thinks it were not possible with well-weighing
sums of gold to corrupt him to a revolt. What say you to
this? What do you know of it?
PAROLLES I beseech you, let me answer to the particular
of the inter’gatories. Demand them singly.
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1 SOLDIER Do you know this Captain Dumaine?
PAROLLES I know him: ’a was a botcher’s prentice in
Paris, from whence he was whipp’d for getting the
shrieve’s fool with child, a dumb innocent that could
not say him nay.
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BERTRAM Nay, by your leave, hold your hands – though
I know his brains are forfeit to the next tile that falls.
1 SOLDIER Well, is this captain in the Duke of
Florence’s camp?
PAROLLES Upon my knowledge he is, and lousy.
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1 LORD Nay, look not so upon me; we shall hear of your
lordship anon.
1 SOLDIER What is his reputation with the duke?
PAROLLES The duke knows him for no other but a poor
officer of mine, and writ to me this other day to turn
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him out a’th’ band. I think I have his letter in my
pocket.
1 SOLDIER Marry, we’ll search.
PAROLLES In good sadness, I do not know; either it is
there or it is upon a file, with the duke’s other letters,
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in my tent.
1 SOLDIER Here ’tis; here’s a paper; shall I read it to
you?
PAROLLES I do not know if it be it or no.
BERTRAM Our interpreter does it well.
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1 LORD Excellently.
1 SOLDIER [Reads.] Dian, the count’s a fool, and full of gold.
PAROLLES That is not the duke’s letter, sir; that is an
advertisement to a proper maid in Florence, one
Diana, to take heed of the allurement of one Count
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Rossillion, a foolish idle boy, but for all that very
ruttish. I pray you, sir, put it up again.
1 SOLDIER Nay, I’ll read it first by your favour.
PAROLLES My meaning in’t, I protest, was very honest
in the behalf of the maid; for I knew the young count
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to be a dangerous and lascivious boy, who is a whale to
virginity, and devours up all the fry it finds.
BERTRAM Damnable both-sides rogue!
1 SOLDIER [Reads.]
When he swears oaths, bid him drop gold, and take it;
After he scores he never pays the score.
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Half-won is match well made; match, and well make it;
He ne’er pays after-debts; take it before.
And say a soldier, Dian, told thee this:
Men are to mell with, boys are not to kiss;
For count of this, the count’s a fool, I know it,
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Who pays before, but not when he does owe it.
Thine, as he vow’d to thee in thine ear,
PAROLLES.
BERTRAM He shall be whipp’d through the army, with
his rhyme in’s forehead.
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2 LORD This is your devoted friend, sir, the manifold
linguist, and the armipotent soldier.
BERTRAM I could endure anything before but a cat, and
now he’s a cat to me.
1 SOLDIER I perceive, sir, by the general’s looks, we shall
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be fain to hang you.
PAROLLES My life, sir, in any case! Not that I am afraid
to die, but that, my offences being many, I would
repent out the remainder of nature. Let me live, sir, in
a dungeon, i’th’ stocks, or anywhere, so I may live.
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1 SOLDIER We’ll see what may be done, so you confess
freely. Therefore once more to this Captain Dumaine:
you have answer’d to his reputation with the duke and
to his valour; what is his honesty?
PAROLLES He will steal, sir, an egg out of a cloister; for
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rapes and ravishments he parallels Nessus. He professes
not keeping of oaths; in breaking ’em he is stronger than
Hercules. He will lie, sir, with such volubility that you
would think truth were a fool; drunkenness is his best
virtue, for he will be swine-drunk, and in his sleep he
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does little harm, save to his bedclothes about him; but
they know his conditions and lay him in straw. I have
but little more to say, sir, of his honesty: he has
everything that an honest man should not have; what an
honest man should have, he has nothing.
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1 LORD I begin to love him for this.
BERTRAM For this description of thine honesty? A pox
upon him! for me, he’s more and more a cat.
1 SOLDIER What say you to his expertness in war?
PAROLLES Faith, sir, has led the drum before the
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English tragedians – to belie him I will not – and more
of his soldiership I know not, except in that country he
had the honour to be the officer at a place there called
Mile-end, to instruct for the doubling of files. I would
do the man what honour I can, but of this I am not
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certain.
1 LORD He hath out-villain’d villainy so far that the
rarity redeems him.
BERTRAM A pox on him! He’s a cat still.
1 SOLDIER His qualities being at this poor price, I need
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not to ask you if gold will corrupt him to revolt.
PAROLLES Sir, for a cardecue he will sell the fee-simple
of his salvation, the inheritance of it, and cut th’entail
from all remainders, and a perpetual succession for it
perpetually.
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1 SOLDIER What’s his brother, the other Captain
Dumaine?
2 LORD Why does he ask him of me?
1 SOLDIER What’s he?
PAROLLES E’en a crow a’th’ same nest; not altogether so
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great as the first in goodness, but greater a great deal
in evil. He excels his brother for a coward, yet his
brother is reputed one of the best that is. In a retreat
he outruns any lackey; marry, in coming on he has the
cramp.
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1 SOLDIER If your life be saved will you undertake to
betray the Florentine?
PAROLLES Ay, and the
captain of his horse, Count
Rossillion.
1 SOLDIER I’ll whisper with the general and know his
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pleasure.
PAROLLES I’ll no more drumming. A plague of all
drums! Only to seem to deserve well, and to beguile
the supposition of that lascivious young boy, the
count, have I run into this danger; yet who would have
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suspected an ambush where I was taken?
1 SOLDIER There is no remedy, sir, but you must die.
The general says you that have so traitorously
discover’d the secrets of your army, and made such
pestiferous reports of men very nobly held, can serve
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the world for no honest use; therefore you must die.
Come, headsman, off with his head.
PAROLLES O Lord, sir, let me live, or let me see my
death!
1 SOLDIER That shall you, and take your leave of all your
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friends. [unmuffling him] So; look about you; know you
any here?
BERTRAM Good morrow, noble captain.
2 LORD God bless you, Captain Parolles.
1 LORD God save you, noble captain.
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2 LORD Captain, what greeting will you to my Lord
Lafew? I am for France.
1 LORD Good captain, will you give me a copy of the
sonnet you writ to Diana in behalf of the Count
Rossillion. And I were not a very coward I’d compel it
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of you; but fare you well. Exeunt Bertram and Lords.
1 SOLDIER You are undone, captain – all but your scarf;
that has a knot on’t yet.
PAROLLES Who cannot be crush’d with a plot?
1 SOLDIER If you could find out a country where but
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women were that had received so much shame you
might begin an impudent nation. Fare ye well, sir. I
am for France too; we shall speak of you there.
Exeunt Soldiers.
PAROLLES Yet am I thankful. If my heart were great
’Twould burst at this. Captain I’ll be no more,
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But I will eat and drink and sleep as soft
As captain shall. Simply the thing I am
Shall make me live. Who knows himself a braggart,
Let him fear this; for it will come to pass
That every braggart shall be found an ass.
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Rust, sword; cool, blushes; and Parolles live
Safest in shame; being fool’d, by fool’ry thrive.
There’s place and means for every man alive.
I’ll after them. Exit.
4.4 Enter HELENA, Widow and DIANA.
HELENA
That you may well perceive I have not wrong’d you
One of the greatest in the Christian world
Shall be my surety; fore whose throne ’tis needful,
Ere I can perfect mine intents, to kneel.
Time was, I did him a desired office,
5
Dear almost as his life; which gratitude
Through flinty Tartar’s bosom would peep forth
And answer thanks. I duly am inform’d
His grace is at Marcellus, to which place
We have convenient convoy. You must know
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I am supposed dead. The army breaking,
My husband hies him home, where, heaven aiding,
And by the leave of my good lord the king,
We’ll be before our welcome.
WIDOW Gentle madam,
You never had a servant to whose trust
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Your business was more welcome.
HELENA Nor you, mistress,
Ever a friend whose thoughts more truly labour
To recompense your love. Doubt not but heaven
Hath brought me up to be your daughter’s dower,
As it hath fated her to be my motive
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And helper to a husband. But, O strange men!
That can such sweet use make of what they hate,
When saucy trusting of the cozen’d thoughts
Defiles the pitchy night; so lust doth play
With what it loathes for that which is away.
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But more of this hereafter. You, Diana,
Under my poor instructions yet must suffer
Something in my behalf.
DIANA Let death and honesty
Go with your impositions, I am yours,
Upon your will to suffer.
HELENA Yet, I pray you;
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But with the word: ‘the time will bring on summer’ –
When briars shall have leaves as well as thorns
And be as sweet as sharp. We must away;
Our wagon is prepar’d, and time revives us.
All’s well that ends well; still the fine’s the crown.
The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works Page 42
